Learn me

Can I just say that it drives me a little crazy? 

Not that none of my friends understand me, but that they don't understand that they don't understand me.  They are ignorant of their ignorance. 
I really do feel always like I am some sort of other species and I am living in another world.  Like I am an outsider.  I have learned the patterns of behavior of the humans, and I use that knowledge to engage with them and build relationships.  It does not feel very natural to me, because it is not.

I do not do things out of spite.
I do not ever want to make anyone feel stupid.
I do not ask questions to which I already know the answer.
I treat you as an individual.
I do not forget who I am talking to.
I do not think that you are doing something just because someone I once knew did something.

Stop treating me like every other person you know.
I think that I may be not like any other person you know.
I think that you will admit that, if you are asked.

Ramble On

I usually watch shitty tv. Or sometimes good tv, but mostly just sitcoms and other light nonsense of that ilk.  It is the only way that I have found to at least temporarily dull the sensation of her absence.  I don't know why I still have to endure it.  I would think that it should have passed by now, it has certainly been quite a while.  For whatever reason though, I can't move on.  I am stuck.  Stuck at 250, stuck on her, stuck on this couch.  I really do know and believe that she was wrong for me, and that she could never be right for me.  I get that.  I know and believe that she treated me like shit, even if she maybe also loved me.  It is how it is sometimes.  I used to wonder about my friends having trouble getting over their emotionally abusive boyfriends.  I would ask "What is it?  Why would you even think about talking to that guy, let alone want to be with him?"  Now I understand when they said, "I don't know."  I understand because I do not know.

Once a week, usually.  Sometimes when I am driving.  Too many songs remind me of her.  So sometimes when I am driving, I will scratch lazily at an itch on my cheek, and then I will understand what is happening.  I sing sometimes when I drive, too.  Before, I used to scream.  Loudly and unabashedly.  I think that I actually did some real damage to my throat doing this, but it helped me express something.  Probably anger, but I think frustration most likely.  I for a while was scared because I found myself converting all emotions to anger.  My old self thought that this was bad, and that all anger was to be avoided.  In real hindsight, anger was saving for me.  If I didn't learn how to change despair into anger, I would not have come out of it.  A few times, I thought about borrowing something from a friend to finish things off.  I figured out slowly how turn anger into movement.  How to use it as fuel.  I don't hold a grudge, and I don't do things out of spite.  I learned to use anger.

Chicago, With Difficulty

After many months of incredibly frustrating comparison shopping, I have chosen to attend University of Chicago Law School.  It came down to them vs Vanderbilt, really, even though schools more highly ranked than Vanderbilt extended offers as well.  Vanderbilt is in Nashville, a town which, after only one weekend spent there, I realized was perfect for me.  I think that I would fit in very nicely in Nashville, and so it was hard to choose to go to Chicago.  I have never actually been to Chicago.  The closest I came was St. Louis, I believe, and that trip taught me that Midwesterners are super weird, and that I do not fit in particularly well with them.  I think it is not naive to expect Chicago to be more diverse, and not quite so midwesterny, but maybe i'm in for a surprise.  In any case, it is only three years, and I figure I could live just about anywhere for three years, so I am not too worried.  UCLS is just a better fit for me, and I think it will open doors that Vanderbilt would not have been able to open.  Hell, one of the reps for Vandy even said, "Well, I mean, we aren't Chicago, but we do pretty well," when I asked about their placement of students in the highest level clerking positions.  This was not the first time that another top law school referenced Chicago as the epitome of one thing or another.  The alumnus who interviewed me for Vandy told me, after discussing at length what I wish to do with my career, "Well, Vanderbilt is a great school, and you will not really be limited by attending there.  However, if you get in to Chicago, you should really go to Chicago."  So to Chicago, I now go.

Of course, this decision could not have existed without the universe first presenting some outside difficulties.  Namely, Terra (remember her?) essentially saying that she loves me and always has and that she wants to be with me.  Long story short: she is going to take the next year "off," and will try to get her own shit in order before thinking about possibly moving to Chicago.  More on this some other time, but know that I did extend the invitation if she was willing to accept.

Just wanted to keep this thing active.  More when time permits.  Did I mention I have a new job?




From http://www.top-law-schools.com/chicago-law-school.html :

University of Chicago Law School

"Lauded as one of the most intellectual law schools in the country with one of the most acclaimed faculties, The University of Chicago Law School has long been rooted as one of the true elites. ..."

"At just under 600 students, Chicago Law has one of the smallest student bodies of the top schools (only Stanford, Yale and Cornell are smaller, and the latter two by only a few students), so it’s no surprise that students and faculty describe it as a setting of intimate, “intellectually intense” engagement. ..."

"Students said that from visiting other campuses, they could tell that students at Chicago seemed like they “actually wanted to be at law school to have careers in law, instead of just because they did well on the LSAT or something and had nothing else to do.”

Professor Leiter said the students are “self-consciously intellectual, ‘let’s argue about ideas all day’ types.” He continued to say,

Partly because Chicago has the reputation of being serious intellectual, rigorous, the self-selection factor perpetuates that. The nice thing about the law school is it’s happy to be nerdy. People take their work seriously, they take ideas seriously, and they like to argue — nobody’s a slouch around here.

A rising 2L offered:

Chicago’s reputation for competition is deserved insofar as you’ll find a lot of students who are willing to work hard to get good grades, but you’ll not find any mean spiritedness in the student body. People don’t discuss their grades or brag. It’s just that people are serious about doing well. It’s more about individual success and achievement as opposed to beating other students. ..."

"The reverence for Chicago Law graduates in the legal community is both apparent and deserved. Students are exposed to a plethora of legal concepts, and the school’s emphasis on teaching quality is manifested through student’s admitted engagement in class and, consequently, in their work. Employers know of Chicago Law students’ dedication and in turn reward them with consistently promising career prospects."

2013 USN Rank (March, 2013)	2012 USN Rank	2011 USN Rank	2010 USN Rank	2009 USN Rank	Law School	ATL Rankings (May 2013)	2013 GPA 25th-75th Percentile	2013 LSAT 25th-75th Percentile
1	1	1	1	1	Yale U (CT)	1	3.84-3.98	170-176
2*	3	2	2	2	Harvard U (MA)	3	3.77-3.95	170-175
2*	2	3	3	3	Stanford U (CA)	2	3.76-3.96	168-173
4*	4	4	4	4	Columbia U (NY)	8	3.58-3.82	170-174
4*	5	5	5	6*	U Chicago	4	3.65-3.96	167-173
6	6	6	6	5	New York U	10	3.54-3.84	169-173

When and Where

I said it the other day, then I realized it was true.  I will always get everything that I want, but I will not always get it when I want it.  I will get the girl, and the job, and the whatever and ever on and on, but it may all come on my deathbed.  Is that good enough?  Is it about winning?

Would I rather get only some of what I want, but always exactly when I want it?  I don't know.  I think of her warmth and her nearness, and how it then does not matter what my brain does.  It does not matter then that I can comprehend this or that, or that I can solve the problems.  In that brief moment, the universe says that "when" is the most important experience.  A sandwich means everything to a starving man, and nothing at all to he who is full.  She means everything to me now, but what will I think when I have everything else?  Do I wager that? Fuck.

Are we here for ourselves, or for others?  If I am here for myself, then I move and I be with her and life is simple but hard.  If it is for others, then who is here for me?  Where is the person who is living their life for my sake?  It is a big circular back rub, which only really works if we are all actually giving each other back rubs.  If I sit there with my hands in my lap, then at least one other person is not getting what they want.  Can I trust the circle?  I want her now, and I want her completely, but does it matter what I want? 

Does it matter what anyone wants?  Or does it matter only what we seek to obtain?  These are two different ideas, of course.  We want perfect bodies, yet we eat to obtain normal pudgy shitty bodies.  Which matters?  I have heard that we all judge everyone else on their behavior, but ourselves on our intentions.  Seems true.  Sounds legit.  My intention is to be happy.  My behavior is questionable.

Natal Chart

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Leo


You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!



Sun is in 26 Degrees Aquarius.

You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.



Moon is in 00 Degrees Capricorn.

You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring.



Mercury is in 22 Degrees Aquarius.

You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.



Venus is in 10 Degrees Aries.

You are a very affectionate person but you hate to be tied down. You are more than willing to be the aggressor in initiating new relationships. Indeed, once you have set your sights on someone, you tend to pursue him or her ardently and passionately. But you do demand your own way in a relationship. Try to give in to your partner's needs and desires once in a while.



Mars is in 09 Degrees Aries.

You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy. You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your goals quicker because of the support you will get.



Jupiter is in 01 Degrees Aquarius.

Your personal growth occurs when you have the freedom to do things in new and interesting ways -- this brings out your natural inventiveness. You are an individualist, but you are also attracted to mass movements that emphasize social betterment and you will devote much time and energy to their efforts. Very fair- minded and objective, you have extraordinary skills at organization and administration.



Saturn is in 27 Degrees Scorpio.

You tend to release emotional energies only very reluctantly. This is partly due to your fear of what horrible calamity might occur should they be released -- your emotions are terribly complicated and intense. Try not to repress these energies entirely, however, or you will succumb to negative and destructive forms of compulsive behavior. Give yourself the freedom to look awkward or silly once in a while. The relief you feel will be quite therapeutic and the embarrassment (whether it is real or imagined) will pass quickly.



Uranus is in 17 Degrees Sagittarius.

You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.



Neptune is in 02 Degrees Capricorn.

You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.



Pluto is in 04 Degrees Scorpio.

For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.



N. Node is in 22 Degrees Taurus.

It's not in your nature to seek out many casual acquaintances in your daily round of activities. You feel much more comfortable with a small, close-knit group of people -- those with whom you can relax and work toward known and clearly defined goals. Your loyalty to a person or group, once given, is forever -- you'll expend all of your quite considerable energy in seeing that the group stays together and prospers. You choose your partners and relationships so carefully that you're bound to gain certain advantages from them, including those of a material nature. Be careful though not to let mere self-service be your motivation in establishing your connections -- make sure that there's an even give-and-take!

Closed Letter to Someone

Dear Matthew,

There are nights like these every now and then.  They seem to be more frequent lately, but I have not been able to pinpoint why exactly that is.  There are a number of variables, and not all of them are under my control.  That last part is sort of frightening, because it means that there may be nothing that I can do about it.  It is quite literally "out of control."

Despite what some of my acquaintances believe, I am not a control freak.  I believe that you should exert as much control as you can over everything of which you have control.  This is a human thing.  As I become older and begin to become what I think may be called "a man," I observe that people are in fact not inherently good.  The most simple example of this is a baby.  A baby is truly self-obsessed, crying and causing a big scene every time it wants (not needs) anything.  A baby does not care about your need for sleep, or that you may be speaking to someone.  It wants your attention, and it demands it right this instant.  This is how people really are.  People are concerned only with their own well-being, naturally.  It is society that conditions us to believe that there is such thing as a "greater good," and even that is a fallacy.  That belief exists because it benefits individual people to have their society believe as a whole that there is an inherent value in taking care of and caring for an individual other than one's own self.  In reality, this belief in a greater good serves only the very top and the very bottom of society.  The people who receive the benefit directly are at the bottom (welfare, charity, etc), and the people on top benefit because it draws the "needy" away from them and they are therefore not distracted from their own pursuits.  Don't think that just because some people have made a complete life out of "self less" service and that such that my theory is disproved.  It only proves true that not everyone measures a benefit in the same way.

Do not forget that we will always fail to express the truth of our own insignificance.  Here we hurtle through the universe at incomprehensible speeds, and under the weight of tremendous forces that we only barely understand.  We are but one planet of an uncountable total of planets.  We are the tiniest fraction of a unit of time in the lifespan of the physical world.  So to make ourselves feel better, we create GodHeads and other cosmic distractions.  This mostly serves to make us feel special.  Like we were put here, in this very place, for a reason.  Once again, this does not bear out to be true.  Perhaps 0.000000001% of all people who have ever lived will be remembered by more than 50 people 100 years after their death.  And I have a feeling that I am being extremely generous in my estimate.

On nights like this one, I think we can run around the planet and save the physical life of every god-forsaken wretch who is born while we're alive.  We can do this.  We literally have the means to ensure that no one dies, quote-unquote, prematurely.  What the fuck does that mean, anyways?  Why do people seem to think it is less valid to die from cancer or a car accident than from a heart attack while you're 90 years old and asleep?  Humans never were meant to live this long anyway.  We used to die out in our 30s, then 40s, then 50s.  After our 50s, it's almost a joke.  With modern science we have been able to prolong our bodies well in to our 70s before things really start going wrong.  Our muscles fail, our organs fail, our bones fail.  We are built to fail.  We were meant to live hard and fast, all the way up until the point at which someone else is living even harder and even faster and we were just in the way.  We're barely animals anymore.  I look at myself in the mirror and think, "God, what an embarrassment," and I'm not even all that bad!

On nights like this one, I feel compelled to sell something, buy some gas, and drive away.  Pick a direction and drive.  Doesn't matter where.  Never stop driving.  And once I'm out of gas, start walking.  Same direction, just keep walking.  And when I can't walk, die.  Just lay there and die.  Why not?  What's the argument?  So much to live for?  A brilliant mind?  An ability to excel at every single thing that I attempt?  So what?  What the fuck is the point?  I can use my mind to solve the problems of everyone I know, and what have I achieved?  I have robbed them of the opportunity to use their own mind.  I can use my body to build homes and shelter those who have no shelter, but what is gained?  I have momentarily distracted them from their past lifetime of shit and their assured future of shit?  Why?  Even if that is a good thing, what does it matter?  Do not tell me that it is all we can do to help people in our lives while we're here and hope that we made some kind of impact.  Not an acceptable answer to me.  Fuck 'em.

I may only have proof of my intelligence being "top 2%," but I tend to think of myself as being in the general top 2% of people.  Meaning that I am not going to deny that I have several gifts that most people do not.  I am able to will things into being that other people could not have imagined in the first place.  I am able to manipulate my world and put people where they should be, and myself as well.  These things are tools in a toolbox that I carry with me everywhere I go.  Why?  A plumber has a monkey wrench, but a fat lot of good it will do him when he has to fix a broken window.  The problem is not problems.  The problem is enlightenment.  The problem is that I am not.  It is not true that love will (fill in the blank).  Love perpetuates hate.  It is true that if there were no love in the world, there too would be no hate.  People usually hate because they cannot love.  For those of us who are doing neither, I suspect we mostly just feel anger.  People tend to confuse anger with hate, because they think that we are angry at something that we hate.  This is not correct.  We just are angry.  It is like in Japan, where I understand that you would not really say to someone "I love you," but rather you'd say something along the lines of "loving" and the object person would infer that it is them who is putting you in that state.  This is how love works.  Or at least, this is how I remember love working.  It is a terrible place to be when you do not love anyone.  When you are a single atom floating through an otherwise voided vacuum, it occurs to you that there will be no reactions occurring.  There will be no chance collisions, and you will continue to be a single atom floating in a vacuum, until you off-gas or whatever enough to finally disappear.

What is the future plan?  Become a lawyer?  Make a ton of money? Fight for more rights for people? Or less rights for people?  Fight to write laws that save the planet?  Fight to write laws that perpetuate humans?  What is the point?  What is the point?  What is the point?  If I crashed my truck and ended up in the hospital,  who would be there?  Who would I want to be there?  Of those that I'd want there, how many would come?  How many would come without me calling them?  How many would demand others came, too?  What is the point?  What is the point?  What is the point?  Future feels distant and undesirable. 

On nights like this one, I listen to Lucero:

It's nights like these that make me sleep all day  

It's nights like these that make you feel so far away 

It's nights like these when nothing is for sure  

It's nights like these I don't want you anymore  

And I've only got this one wish  

That I was good enough to make you forget  

The only boy who ever broke your heart  

Cause nights like these tear me apart  

It's nights like these the sad songs don't help  

It's nights like these your heart's with someone else  

It's nights like these I feel like giving up  

It's nights like these I don't seem to care for much  

The beer tastes like blood and my mouth is numb  

I can't make the words I need to say  

She had a weakness for writers  

And I was never that good at the words anyways

It's on nights like this one that I look for something to hold on to, and it seems like there is not anything there.  It's on nights like this one that I realize how much I have accomplished, and how there has been nothing that I have really ever failed to accomplish.  To fail, you must first try, and for everything that I have ever actually tried to do, I have also succeeded.  My documented "failures" are all things that I never really tried to do.  Wouldn't this normally be the sort of thing that propels a person forward?

On nights like this one, I feel that it's all a big joke that no one else gets.

On nights like this one, the future feels like the past.  The path has been walked, and the lessons are already learned.  And what of it?  A very well informed corpse with a good understanding of the machinations of other corpses?  At best, yes.

Love,

Nathan

Owl Attacks Invisible Food

Just another photo example

Here are some photos of Dr John Berardi that were in an article on elitefts.com.  The article is about intermittent fasting, and can be found here: http://articles.elitefts.com/articles/nutrition/intermittent-fasting-big-help-or-big-hype/

Interesting short article.

Anyways, he attached the following two photo sets.  The first one is him at 10%, and the second is him at 4%.  With all lean body mass remaining, this would be my general condition at 210lbs, and then at 196lbs.  Dr Berardi is obviously far more well developed than I am, so I would not be quite so bomb looking, but this gives another glimpse at different body fat percentages.  I am currently sitting at 253lbs and about 25%, which is admittedly far away from my goal, but way closer than it seems.  Just a little dietary discipline and the addition of cardio, and I think I could be within spitting distance of single digits by next mid-Summer for sure.

Anyways, on to the photos.  The first set is 10% bodyfat, the second is 4%.  Had trouble locating his bodyweight and height.

ou'll probably observe that the most noticeable difference shows through in the abdominal definition and back definition.  Some of this is due to the dramatic lighting of the second set of photos.  You may also notice his face actually leaned up a little bit, even though it was certainly not chubby or anything in the before photos.

I don't have a great set of before and after photos, because I frankly was just not that interested in photographic proof of my fatness.  So, in light of that information, here are the best I can do.  These first two are from when I hiked the Grand Canyon in October 2010.  This was actually not my top end weight.  In these I weighed about 280 or so, and I estimate that I was easily over 40% body fat.  Probably in the range of 45%.  I topped out by the end of the year at 300lbs, and probably close to 50% body fat, but I literally have NO pictures of this stage of my life. 

Now, this is the best I could do for progress pictures.  This is me all bossed up for a night out with Blaise.  This is very recent, and I'm about 258lbs and 26% body fat.  Obviously, since I'm wearing a suit jacket you cannot really see much, but for those in the know, I went from a size 56R jacket in January at my largest to a 48R in this picture:

Sometimes When You're On, You're Really Fucking On

An interesting thing happened today.  Interesting enough to warrant a post.

I was at the gym today (I had today off, because I worked Saturday for someone).  Did some shoulders and chest and a little bit of arms.

I asked the personal trainer guy there if he wouldn't mind checking my body fat percentage for me (I offered to pay, but he said that was not necessary).

Here are the results:

Weight..................................256 lbs
Body Fat.................................26.5 %
Lean Body Mass........................188 lbs
Fat Mass.................................68 lbs


This is interesting, because my long-term goal has been to get to 185lbs. For anyone not following this on their own, if I were to retain my current LBM and also achieve my previous goal of 185, I'd be dead.  I'd be negative body fat.

This is actually a great thing.  This means that I'm much closer to being in a desirable body (desirable to ME, fuck you society and your shitty standards) than I'd previously thought.  Here are some new goals:

Short-term weight goal.........225 lbs
Long-term weight goal..........200 lbs

These weight goals are associated with a presumptive retention of the same level of LBM (although, an increase would not be a bad thing either).  This means the following:

At 225 lbs, I'd be about 17% body fat.  The last time I was around 17% body fat, I weighed about 187 lbs and felt fucking fantastic.

At 200 lbs, I'd be about 6% body fat, which is ludicrously ripped.  I may in fact not even want to be this low.

Here are some picture examples that I lifted from: http://www.myfitnessstudio.co.uk/what-different-body-fat-percentages-actually-look-like/ and http://www.naturalphysiques.com/144/body-fat-percentage-guide-for-men-by-jeremy-likness

30% (this is not me...none of these are me):

25% (definitely look/feel fatter than this):

20%:

~16%:

10%:

~6%:

So 6% may not look too good on me.  I think I'd look a little emaciated.  I guess we'll see.

Anyways, every now and then, it can be awesome to have a day in the gym that is not JUST disappointment and disgust.

Also, abject heartbreak can be a great reason to drink.  It can also be a great reason to improve yourself. Your choice.

Photos of Women from WWII

http://www.theatlantic.com/infocus/2011/09/world-war-ii-women-at-war/100145/

Worth a look

Best Dubstep Ever

Hey Leslie, check out this enormous shark

They estimate 18 feet long.  Sleep well.

100 Years of London Fashion

If this is cut off partially, just click on it to watch @YT

Creation

I was never conceived.

I was never born.

I spontaneously carnated after a million infinities of desperate belief. 

It is the desire for life that propels us into consciousness. 

It is the desire for death that commands us forward to find meaning before it is too late to learn anything more.

Violence begets violence.

People Are Stupid - Lyrics

People Are Stupid - 30 Foot Fall

I'm surrounded by idiots everyday
Frustrated by the games that people play
Confused by what the TV says I need

Lost in space and ugly too
people act like they've been sniffing glue
Never questioning the things that they believe

Freedom of choice must be a joke
just look at all the people that cannot cope
I've got something I want to say to them

There's a lot of stuff that I can do
That doesn't mean I have to impose on you
If you take offense to common sense
That's your problem

I can do what I want
Listern to some Slayer and play Nintendo all night long

Racism sucks and so do you
If you hate somebody cause they're not like you
And that goes for homophobia, xenophobia, and classism too

I can sit around and masturbate
have different colored friends that I don't hate
It doesn't matter if you don't approve

I can stick my finger up my nose
Never take a bath or change my clothes
And my underarms can ruin someone's day

I can ride a float in the gay parade
Terrorize the Christian Right for a day
And sing "homophobes are just pissed 'cause they can't get laid"

I can do what I want
Go to Sunday school and read the Necronomicon
I can do what I want

Progress

Progress has always been a funny little thing in my life.  Whenever I think that I'm totally prepared and pointed in the right direction, I end up falling on my face, coming nowhere even close to whatever goal I thought I wanted to progress towards.  I have started to think of these occurrences not as failures, but as corrections.  I thought for a very long time that I was destined to be a healer in a literal way.  A doctor.  A person who saved another person's life.  So I went to school for it.  I completed a degree in a field of health that legitimately interested me, and still does, in fact (holistic and progressive approaches to health).  I planned on working for a little while, then going to medical school of one type or another.

This obviously has not happened.  This is a good thing.  I've realized that I am just too far at odds with medicine to ever be satisfied practicing it.  I want to be proactive, not reactive.  Medicine is ultimately a reaction.  Everything that medicine has ever come up has been as a reaction to an existing problem.  Once that problem is "solved," nature is still unsatisfied, and comes up with a new problem, and medicine goes back to responding.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I employed a strategy that has worked for me in the past.  When I once wanted to be a firefighter, I anticipated that I would feel underutilized if I remained only a firefighter, so I started going up the line and increasing responsibilities.  I thought maybe I could be a paramedic, and then work on promoting up the chain and get onto the administrative level (Chief, Captain, etc).  Then I realized that I would still just be following policies put in place by people who were supposedly smarter than me.  So I kept going, and going, and going, and eventually decided that the only place where I could practice life saving medicine and not have to answer to anyone would be as a neurosurgeon (I know now that I was wrong, and that even there I would have to answer to administrators and whatnot).  Anyways, this is how I ended up in school for medicine.  Then I thought that naturopathy would be even FURTHER down the line, since most people really only turn to naturopaths after western medicine has already repeatedly failed them.  Whatever, I'm getting bored talking about this right now.  The point is that I spend a lot of time thinking of the possible results of every choice I make, and I proceed accordingly.  I almost always end up having to change my plan, or the plan doesn't work out at all even when I did everything right.  This is a good thing.

Without this phenomenon, I would never have stopped to ask myself, "What is more important than life saving medicine?"  The answer is, "An innumerable quantity of things."  I've already mentioned my modern belief that it may not be the most honorable quest to try to save the life of every person who is born, so I will not expand upon this any further than to bring attention to it now.  If medicine is not the answer, what is?  Stop looking at the situation from your own point of view.  What do third world peoples need?  Food, ultimately.  It does not help however to just deliver food supplies to these people.  Population dynamics will win.  If a peoples can not support themselves, then those peoples will ultimately be destined to die away.  The only possibility for a third world population to really be able to rise to second and first world status is for that population to pull itself up without help.  So how does a nation suddenly provide food for itself?  By obtaining and maintaining a steady supply of water. 

Hence my further education plan:  I intend to go to UA in Fall 2012 to begin studying Environmental Hydrology and Water Resources.  This is a Science college program, but I will be able to take (and hopefully pass) the Engineering test, if I so desire (I do).  I will be able to take skills from this program (actual skills!) and use them in the real world.  I will be able to choose where I work.  I will be able to work internationally and in crisis areas.  In fact, a few of the faculty helped set up water systems in Haiti following the earthquake there.  I would be able to stay in Arizona if I wanted to (up in the air right now), since water supply is a constant source of worry in the desert.  The point here is that I'd be able to go to a third world area and impart the tools and ability to sustain water supply, which could be used to maintain a food supply, which could be used to bolster an economy, which could be used to improve infrastructure, which could be used to expand the economy and build connections with other peoples and other nations, etc ad modernum.  Or, I could focus on engineering better and cheaper water related supplies, like ground water pumps or filters.  Either way, I would be impacting an entire population in one fell swoop, instead of working with one patient at a time.  It's all about maximizing your impact, right? 

Then there's body image.  I have recently sort of come more to terms with my body.  I don't have an unreal image of myself in either direction anymore.  I have a healthy and accurate image of myself, and I'm okay with it.  With this "revelation," or whatever you want to call it, I have found that I've also been better able to lose weight.  Weird.  I have been slowly but regularly losing since May.  I estimate that I topped out this year at 298 lbs sometime in January.  On February 14th, I was 295.  On March 1st, I was about 288.  Now I am 263.5.  This is a full loss of just under 35 pounds.  I'm still moving down.  I'm getting some of my strength back in a big way.  This is all good stuff.  I have lifting goals that are realistic and impressive.  I think that I can get there.  I'm not worried about these things. 


"Do you ever feel like you just landed
On this earth?
See the creatures all do their dances
Back and forth
You get restless and then you join them
On the floor
Suddenly it's tomorrow
It's not today anymore"

Hi-Speed Soul - Nada Surf


"When I accelerate
I remember why it's good to be alive
Like a twenty-five cent game
Maybe this weight was a gift
Like I had to see what I could lift
I spend all my energy
Walking upright"

Do It Again - Nada Surf


The lips of time, they kiss again
When I walk alone into the night
They know my voice, they know my name
My need for love, my fear of heights

So I keep my wit, my running game
My shoulders straight, chin up high
But it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie

And I forget how the time, it flies
When my fingers crossed, I hope in vain
That you'll be home with sleepy eyes
To fix it all, cause you know my pain

And I forget how the time, it flies
When the day is long, and it keeps me dry
Cause it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie

There's no perfect way to clear the mess
We both have a past in a silver frame
See my heart, it died a slow weary death
In the tainted arms of another man

You and I we're no different
Than the rest of the world when the morning rings
Everyone wants a piece of the love of God
Everyone sings, everyone sings

I know you can tell that I can't help myself
Can't help myself
Cause it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie

The lips of time, they kiss again
When I walk alone into the night
They know my voice, they know my name
My need for love, my fear of heights

But seen I'm not different than the rest of the world
When the morning rings
I just want a piece of the love of God"

It's All A Lie - Keren Ann

Best dance ever?

Get Real Already

What do you think is going to change?

You're going to look different?
You're going to act different?
You're going to be better at something?

You're going to worse at something else?

It's all bullshit.  You are who you are, and no one ever changes.  The only thing that changes is how the world perceives you.  In one moment, you're talentless, and in the next, visionary. 

You already know these people, and you know how they think.  You cannot change them.  There are other people, though.  People who may get it.  I hold on to some sliver of something that tells me that they are out there, and that they will form the army that I see in my mind.  They will understand the importance and the historic nature of you.  They will tell their children, and their grandchildren's children will find photographs and do research, and love you from afar.  They will feel kinship and wonder what it was like then.  They will wonder what you would think about their modern issues.  Things that you never could have conceived of having to have an opinion on.

They will wonder what things would have been like if the world only understood you.

Karma and Eight Legs

I killed a spider tonight.

It had come in through the crack under the screen door.  We often leave the sliding door open, and just close the screen door, since it is still so nice outside, and Our Nancy is outside gardening.  It's annoying to have to open and close two doors every time you want to come in or out.  Anyways, I'm guessing it came in through the crack under the screen door.  I noticed it early on just hanging out in the door track on the floor.  I did not think too much of it, but made a note to pay attention to where it went. 

After a while, I peaked back towards where I had seen it, and noticed it was gone.  I grabbed one of my many flashlights and looked all around the base of the door, but did not see it.  I figured it must have gone back outside.

Twenty minutes later or so, we're all watching a dvd when I notice it has come back in, and is hanging out in the same place.  I announce its presence to Adam and Our Nancy, and Nancy suggests capturing it and putting it somewhere far away.  I make a mental note to do this, and we go on watching the dvd. 

At the end of the show, Adam and Our Nancy go to bed, and I remember that I never did anything with our surprise guest.  I grab the flashlight and find it pretty easily, although now it seems much jumpier, and is running unpredictably about.  It eventually stops running where the carpet meets the tv stand.  I go in to the kitchen to try to find an appropriate capturing dish when it hits me.  There is no way that I will be able to capture this thing.  I am mildly to moderately arachnophobic.  I do alright when there is a spider that is outside of arms length, or if it is a little tiny guy that I know is not dangerous.  However, when it comes to things like black widows or recluses, I get a little more jumpy.  The spider in question here was a brown sort of thing about the size of a quarter.  Perhaps bigger if all splayed out.  Certainly not gargantuan, but big enough to notice.  I realized that every time I tried to get close enough to place a container or something over it, my heart rate rose dramatically, and I was unable to ensure that I would not just accidentally drop the bowl or dish, which could break it and create a whole new problem. 

I picked up a dowel that we use to lock the sliding back door, and intended to smash the spider, but when it came time to do so, I felt again that I could not do it.  I then stared at the spider for an actual 15 minutes while I pondered the karmic implications of killing it.  I acknowledged that it was innocent, and had simply wandered in to our house on accident, or bad advice.  I also acknowledged that I had no idea whether or not it was at all dangerous, and that it was sort of my responsibility to protect unaware roommates from known dangers.  But is that a reason to kill it?  I just could not decide.  I tried to rationalize it by saying that I eat meat, and that is most likely not the most acceptable karmic act, either.

I sat there, staring at this spider, for 15 minutes.  I then went back in to the kitchen and tried to divine a new plan.  Nothing came to me, and when I went back, the spider began to run for it.  At first it hid behind a big empty plant jar that I have sitting next to the tv stand, but when I picked the jar up to look for it, it ran behind the tv stand.  I grabbed the wood dowel and held it, unsure of what I was doing, when suddenly it began running erratically.  This freaked me out, and I found, before I knew what I was doing, that I had smashed the spider with the dowel.

I immediately felt bad about this, and said a short prayer of apology to the dead spider.  I admitted that I had not intended for things to end that way, and that I was sorry if it was painful.

I worry now that there is some karmic retribution for this action.  However, I am also relieved to know that there is not a somewhat large, unidentifiable spider roaming around the house. 

Mostly, I am disappointed that I am still letting fear inform my decisions.  It is my hope to one day be free of fear and to be able to make all decisions with a clear and rational mind.

As for right now, though, I am going to sleep.

Living In Various Places

I live now with Adam in his home.  It is me, Adam, and Our Nancy.  We are surrogates in this house.  We eat breakfast together, although not always by design.  It just happens that way.  We eat dinner together, and it usually is by design.  I find myself wanting to go home, which is something that I've not felt in a long time.  At work, I will be thinking about home.  Not about the places that I might go before finally heading home to sleep.  When I wake up, I don't only wish to be asleep again.  I go to the store, and I call Our Nancy to see if she needs anything, because she cooks, too.  I usually don't bother to call Adam, because he doesn't cook much.  Sometimes I ask if he needs any bananas or pasta.

I've lost ten pounds after living here for two weeks. 

I am discovering wine.

I am rediscovering my love for music.

I have discovered a previously undocumented tribal family living in the harsh environment known as South Chandler.