Progress

Progress has always been a funny little thing in my life.  Whenever I think that I'm totally prepared and pointed in the right direction, I end up falling on my face, coming nowhere even close to whatever goal I thought I wanted to progress towards.  I have started to think of these occurrences not as failures, but as corrections.  I thought for a very long time that I was destined to be a healer in a literal way.  A doctor.  A person who saved another person's life.  So I went to school for it.  I completed a degree in a field of health that legitimately interested me, and still does, in fact (holistic and progressive approaches to health).  I planned on working for a little while, then going to medical school of one type or another.

This obviously has not happened.  This is a good thing.  I've realized that I am just too far at odds with medicine to ever be satisfied practicing it.  I want to be proactive, not reactive.  Medicine is ultimately a reaction.  Everything that medicine has ever come up has been as a reaction to an existing problem.  Once that problem is "solved," nature is still unsatisfied, and comes up with a new problem, and medicine goes back to responding.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I employed a strategy that has worked for me in the past.  When I once wanted to be a firefighter, I anticipated that I would feel underutilized if I remained only a firefighter, so I started going up the line and increasing responsibilities.  I thought maybe I could be a paramedic, and then work on promoting up the chain and get onto the administrative level (Chief, Captain, etc).  Then I realized that I would still just be following policies put in place by people who were supposedly smarter than me.  So I kept going, and going, and going, and eventually decided that the only place where I could practice life saving medicine and not have to answer to anyone would be as a neurosurgeon (I know now that I was wrong, and that even there I would have to answer to administrators and whatnot).  Anyways, this is how I ended up in school for medicine.  Then I thought that naturopathy would be even FURTHER down the line, since most people really only turn to naturopaths after western medicine has already repeatedly failed them.  Whatever, I'm getting bored talking about this right now.  The point is that I spend a lot of time thinking of the possible results of every choice I make, and I proceed accordingly.  I almost always end up having to change my plan, or the plan doesn't work out at all even when I did everything right.  This is a good thing.

Without this phenomenon, I would never have stopped to ask myself, "What is more important than life saving medicine?"  The answer is, "An innumerable quantity of things."  I've already mentioned my modern belief that it may not be the most honorable quest to try to save the life of every person who is born, so I will not expand upon this any further than to bring attention to it now.  If medicine is not the answer, what is?  Stop looking at the situation from your own point of view.  What do third world peoples need?  Food, ultimately.  It does not help however to just deliver food supplies to these people.  Population dynamics will win.  If a peoples can not support themselves, then those peoples will ultimately be destined to die away.  The only possibility for a third world population to really be able to rise to second and first world status is for that population to pull itself up without help.  So how does a nation suddenly provide food for itself?  By obtaining and maintaining a steady supply of water. 

Hence my further education plan:  I intend to go to UA in Fall 2012 to begin studying Environmental Hydrology and Water Resources.  This is a Science college program, but I will be able to take (and hopefully pass) the Engineering test, if I so desire (I do).  I will be able to take skills from this program (actual skills!) and use them in the real world.  I will be able to choose where I work.  I will be able to work internationally and in crisis areas.  In fact, a few of the faculty helped set up water systems in Haiti following the earthquake there.  I would be able to stay in Arizona if I wanted to (up in the air right now), since water supply is a constant source of worry in the desert.  The point here is that I'd be able to go to a third world area and impart the tools and ability to sustain water supply, which could be used to maintain a food supply, which could be used to bolster an economy, which could be used to improve infrastructure, which could be used to expand the economy and build connections with other peoples and other nations, etc ad modernum.  Or, I could focus on engineering better and cheaper water related supplies, like ground water pumps or filters.  Either way, I would be impacting an entire population in one fell swoop, instead of working with one patient at a time.  It's all about maximizing your impact, right? 

Then there's body image.  I have recently sort of come more to terms with my body.  I don't have an unreal image of myself in either direction anymore.  I have a healthy and accurate image of myself, and I'm okay with it.  With this "revelation," or whatever you want to call it, I have found that I've also been better able to lose weight.  Weird.  I have been slowly but regularly losing since May.  I estimate that I topped out this year at 298 lbs sometime in January.  On February 14th, I was 295.  On March 1st, I was about 288.  Now I am 263.5.  This is a full loss of just under 35 pounds.  I'm still moving down.  I'm getting some of my strength back in a big way.  This is all good stuff.  I have lifting goals that are realistic and impressive.  I think that I can get there.  I'm not worried about these things. 


"Do you ever feel like you just landed
On this earth?
See the creatures all do their dances
Back and forth
You get restless and then you join them
On the floor
Suddenly it's tomorrow
It's not today anymore"

Hi-Speed Soul - Nada Surf


"When I accelerate
I remember why it's good to be alive
Like a twenty-five cent game
Maybe this weight was a gift
Like I had to see what I could lift
I spend all my energy
Walking upright"

Do It Again - Nada Surf


The lips of time, they kiss again
When I walk alone into the night
They know my voice, they know my name
My need for love, my fear of heights

So I keep my wit, my running game
My shoulders straight, chin up high
But it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie

And I forget how the time, it flies
When my fingers crossed, I hope in vain
That you'll be home with sleepy eyes
To fix it all, cause you know my pain

And I forget how the time, it flies
When the day is long, and it keeps me dry
Cause it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie

There's no perfect way to clear the mess
We both have a past in a silver frame
See my heart, it died a slow weary death
In the tainted arms of another man

You and I we're no different
Than the rest of the world when the morning rings
Everyone wants a piece of the love of God
Everyone sings, everyone sings

I know you can tell that I can't help myself
Can't help myself
Cause it's all a lie
It's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie, it's all a lie

The lips of time, they kiss again
When I walk alone into the night
They know my voice, they know my name
My need for love, my fear of heights

But seen I'm not different than the rest of the world
When the morning rings
I just want a piece of the love of God"

It's All A Lie - Keren Ann

Best dance ever?

Get Real Already

What do you think is going to change?

You're going to look different?
You're going to act different?
You're going to be better at something?

You're going to worse at something else?

It's all bullshit.  You are who you are, and no one ever changes.  The only thing that changes is how the world perceives you.  In one moment, you're talentless, and in the next, visionary. 

You already know these people, and you know how they think.  You cannot change them.  There are other people, though.  People who may get it.  I hold on to some sliver of something that tells me that they are out there, and that they will form the army that I see in my mind.  They will understand the importance and the historic nature of you.  They will tell their children, and their grandchildren's children will find photographs and do research, and love you from afar.  They will feel kinship and wonder what it was like then.  They will wonder what you would think about their modern issues.  Things that you never could have conceived of having to have an opinion on.

They will wonder what things would have been like if the world only understood you.

Karma and Eight Legs

I killed a spider tonight.

It had come in through the crack under the screen door.  We often leave the sliding door open, and just close the screen door, since it is still so nice outside, and Our Nancy is outside gardening.  It's annoying to have to open and close two doors every time you want to come in or out.  Anyways, I'm guessing it came in through the crack under the screen door.  I noticed it early on just hanging out in the door track on the floor.  I did not think too much of it, but made a note to pay attention to where it went. 

After a while, I peaked back towards where I had seen it, and noticed it was gone.  I grabbed one of my many flashlights and looked all around the base of the door, but did not see it.  I figured it must have gone back outside.

Twenty minutes later or so, we're all watching a dvd when I notice it has come back in, and is hanging out in the same place.  I announce its presence to Adam and Our Nancy, and Nancy suggests capturing it and putting it somewhere far away.  I make a mental note to do this, and we go on watching the dvd. 

At the end of the show, Adam and Our Nancy go to bed, and I remember that I never did anything with our surprise guest.  I grab the flashlight and find it pretty easily, although now it seems much jumpier, and is running unpredictably about.  It eventually stops running where the carpet meets the tv stand.  I go in to the kitchen to try to find an appropriate capturing dish when it hits me.  There is no way that I will be able to capture this thing.  I am mildly to moderately arachnophobic.  I do alright when there is a spider that is outside of arms length, or if it is a little tiny guy that I know is not dangerous.  However, when it comes to things like black widows or recluses, I get a little more jumpy.  The spider in question here was a brown sort of thing about the size of a quarter.  Perhaps bigger if all splayed out.  Certainly not gargantuan, but big enough to notice.  I realized that every time I tried to get close enough to place a container or something over it, my heart rate rose dramatically, and I was unable to ensure that I would not just accidentally drop the bowl or dish, which could break it and create a whole new problem. 

I picked up a dowel that we use to lock the sliding back door, and intended to smash the spider, but when it came time to do so, I felt again that I could not do it.  I then stared at the spider for an actual 15 minutes while I pondered the karmic implications of killing it.  I acknowledged that it was innocent, and had simply wandered in to our house on accident, or bad advice.  I also acknowledged that I had no idea whether or not it was at all dangerous, and that it was sort of my responsibility to protect unaware roommates from known dangers.  But is that a reason to kill it?  I just could not decide.  I tried to rationalize it by saying that I eat meat, and that is most likely not the most acceptable karmic act, either.

I sat there, staring at this spider, for 15 minutes.  I then went back in to the kitchen and tried to divine a new plan.  Nothing came to me, and when I went back, the spider began to run for it.  At first it hid behind a big empty plant jar that I have sitting next to the tv stand, but when I picked the jar up to look for it, it ran behind the tv stand.  I grabbed the wood dowel and held it, unsure of what I was doing, when suddenly it began running erratically.  This freaked me out, and I found, before I knew what I was doing, that I had smashed the spider with the dowel.

I immediately felt bad about this, and said a short prayer of apology to the dead spider.  I admitted that I had not intended for things to end that way, and that I was sorry if it was painful.

I worry now that there is some karmic retribution for this action.  However, I am also relieved to know that there is not a somewhat large, unidentifiable spider roaming around the house. 

Mostly, I am disappointed that I am still letting fear inform my decisions.  It is my hope to one day be free of fear and to be able to make all decisions with a clear and rational mind.

As for right now, though, I am going to sleep.

Living In Various Places

I live now with Adam in his home.  It is me, Adam, and Our Nancy.  We are surrogates in this house.  We eat breakfast together, although not always by design.  It just happens that way.  We eat dinner together, and it usually is by design.  I find myself wanting to go home, which is something that I've not felt in a long time.  At work, I will be thinking about home.  Not about the places that I might go before finally heading home to sleep.  When I wake up, I don't only wish to be asleep again.  I go to the store, and I call Our Nancy to see if she needs anything, because she cooks, too.  I usually don't bother to call Adam, because he doesn't cook much.  Sometimes I ask if he needs any bananas or pasta.

I've lost ten pounds after living here for two weeks. 

I am discovering wine.

I am rediscovering my love for music.

I have discovered a previously undocumented tribal family living in the harsh environment known as South Chandler. 

Away We Go

You are an unsinkable boat
   on an endless sea
I am the sea

You hold everything that I have ever believed
I do not believe in anything anymore

You will float forever
I am that into which everything sinks

Superhuman

Infographic by Smarter.org

Human As Destroyer

Has anyone ever noticed that humans seem to be hell bent on self destruction?  Yes, tons of people have pointed out that we are essentially a literal virus on the host body of the earth.  But really let it sink in.  Every other animal has instincts that guide it towards life.  Every single one.  Every plant.  Every animal.  Everything with life in it seeks more life.  Except humans.

Imagine a world with no humans.  Imagine the tremendous zen of this concept.  An entire planet covered in things all striving for more and more life.  Death exists, because without it, life could not.  But no animals killing each other for no purpose.  No animals killing themselves.  No animals killing thousands of other animals for the sake of money or prosperity.  No prosperity.  No money.  It would be nature, naturally.

But we are here.  We, the creators of guns and bombs and poisons and nuclear reactor meltdowns and medical testing and pollution.  We are here.  Correct me if I am wrong, but no other species has such a thing as suicide.  Imagine it, the very concept of a dolphin deciding that it has nothing left to live for.  A cactus wren resting on the desert floor, waiting for a bobcat.  It does not exist.  All animals are geared for life.  There are rare instances in which one animal inhabits the brain of another and forces that animal's body to commit itself to death (see: thousands of videos about parasitic worms that make ants stand out on branches waiting to get eaten).  It could be argued, I suppose, that this happens to people, too.  That our "parasitic worm" that takes over people's minds and makes them act against nature is something we call "mental illness."  Or, we could more realistically examine our lives.  We live on giant fields of concrete, formed of the crushed memories of mountains.  We sleep hundreds of feet in the sky, on top of fake ducks.  We eat things that do not grow.  We create food.  So arrogant as to think that there is not plenty available already, we make more.  And then we throw it all away.  We create wars, since suicide isn't fast enough.  We create great machines that collapse and kills hundreds or thousands at a time.  We have accidents, and whole countries get cancer.  We have cancer.  We are not some supreme destroying force.  We are a supremely self-destructive force.  We will not destroy the earth.  The rest of creation simply tolerates our presence.  One day, when our air is too thick to pass through our lungs and into our bloodstreams, when our water is too blackened to swallow, when our food is made only of plastic, we will simply cease to be.  And dolphins will still swim.  And cactus wrens will still fly.  And bobcats will still try to eat cactus wrens.  There will be fewer of them, but they will not be destroyed by us.  We are an accident.  We are not the proof of evolution, but rather the DISproof of it.  What other animal evolves to point of self-destruction?  None.  Or if it has, it surely does not matter all.

We Are Not Wolves, Though We Should Wish To Be

I realized, sometime during the past two months, that people really like to refer to humans as "pack-animals."  They like to say that we operate best as a community, and that we are genetically designed to seek communion with each other.  They say that isolative people die younger, and have greater rates of depression.  They often compare humans to wolves, which is weird because, as far as I know, wolves only exhibit the frequently referenced wolf-pack hierarchy (alpha, beta, omega) in captivity.  In other words, people love to say that wolves exist in highly structured packs that are run by the dominant or "alpha" male.  Second in line is the beta, who acts sort of like a servant to the alpha.  Last in line is the omega who apparently is just everybody's bitch.  In reality though, wolves only do that when they are packed together with wolves that they are unaccustomed to (like they would be in a zoo or a refuge or something).  In the wild, wolves travel as families.  Father, mother, kids.  Cousins?  I don't know, I'm not some wolf expert.  My point is that the "wolf pack" that everyone loves to reference so much is actually an artificial construct that is sort of a due directly to the meddling of man, or possibly to extraordinary natural circumstances (disasters, famine, etc). 

I've been thinking about this concept for a while though.  Before I learned that about the wolves.  It seems to me that the people who insist that humans are pack animals are generally members of the pack.  They aren't the Alphas.  They aren't the leaders.  They are people who are confident in their incompetence, and know that without a strong leader guiding them, they would not survive.  They may not be stupid, or weak.  But they are afraid.  And furthermore, it seems that the leaders generally look at the pack as a group of pitiful creatures.  People who can not care for themselves.  And so the leader is there.  To make the decisions, and to save people from their own backward instincts.  We are so firmly modernized that we say things like "Without air conditioning, he could die!"  Granted, people die all the time in Phoenix (where I currently am) from heat related issues, but think about how long we as a species survived in all sorts of environments without air conditioning.  Cars.  Sunscreen.  Rectal exams.  Flavored yogurt NOW! with Fiber!  It seems that we are this weird accident that inexplicably continues to propagate, and the rest of creation is just waiting for us to go away so that they can get on with it.

Quick update: Mensa

So about three or four weeks ago I scheduled a few hours of my Sunday afternoon off, and took the Mensa entrance exam.

It was administered at the Glendale Library, and lasted about an hour and a half or so.  If I had to guess, I would say that about 12 people were in that room with me, taking their chances. 

First, you take the Wonderlic, which is the very same test that all incoming NFL players take.  I suppose that it measures your general problem solving abilities, which may be of some use to scouts who are assessing a player's possible effectiveness.  Now, if you score in the top 1-2% on this exam, you qualify for Mensa.  I remember the test being like 8-10 minutes long, but having an impossible (pretty much literally) 50 questions that get harder as you go along. 

After the Wonderlic, you take the actual Mensa test, which I guess is designed and edited by Mensa members or something.  It was 7 or 8 sections of anywhere from 15 to 30 questions, and each section was 15 minutes or less.  Most of the sections were analogy-type questions where they'd show you a hat and a head, then a shoe, and the correct answer is '"foot."  Stuff like that.

I chatted with the proctors (who were very nice, by the way) after the exam, and they clarified that you have to score top 1-2% compared to the general population, not just compared to everyone who has ever taken the exam (I would imagine that the population that takes the exam is probably slightly above average in intelligence, or else they wouldn't even try.  But I could be wrong).  They said that somewhere around half of the people in the room that day may qualify, or no one at all.  They added that usually at least one or two people get in at each exam. 

Anywho, to jump to the chase, I received a letter at my parents' house today.  My mom opened it and informed me that I got in.  Woot.  They don't tell you what your score was, only that you qualified or didn't qualify.  Then they ask for money.  Natch.  Resume builder!