Her Legs Grow

This next weekend is the Half Marathon. That's 13.1 miles through Phoenix and a little bit of Tempe. This post isn't really about running, though. It's about Julee.

I spoke to her on the phone this morning about how we're going to work this weekend out. The expo is on Saturday, and that is where you go to get all final registration stuff and race number and all that. There are also vendor booths and free stuff and whatnot. It's a lot of fun, actually. I went with her last year when she ran the full marathon, and we said that we'll go together this year since parking is a bitch and we're both doing it anyways. So that's Saturday. I think that on Sunday we'll probably drive to the race together, too.

Speaking to her on the phone is weird, still. I mean, it's hard for me to deny that I still have feelings for her. She is perhaps THE most intelligent girl that I've ever known (sorry Ash and others), which is tremendously appealing to me. I recently had a conversation with Ambuler about how it's hard for me to find girls that I can really talk to (I can listen to anyone, but it's hard to find someone who can actually listen back). Now, those of you who have been around for a year or more may remember that I became disconcerted by the fact that I didn't talk to Julee. Paul died, and I didn't call my girlfriend. I called someone else. I felt like I couldn't speak to her about stuff like that. Now that we're just friends though, I am able to talk to her about more things, so it's like the one MAJOR issue in the relationship has been worked out. That makes it difficult for me for what I would think are obvious reasons.

It is sort of evident to me that she has the same problems with guys that I have with girls. She cannot find guys who are smart enough to talk to her and listen to her. She knows though that I am that guy. That's why she wants us to remain friends, I think. So that she has more than just girls in her life, because she doesn't even really like girls, I don't think.

Is it arrogant to assume that she still harbors secret feelings for me? If she holds valuable the same things that she used to, then there is no way that she doesn't. Or is that the flaw of the ex? To always assume that they are still wanted? Hmmm.

So anyways, here're the main points:

1) Julee and I are essentially spending the whole weekend together
2) We will be in more or less vulnerable/embarrassing situations that generally render one overly emotional
3) I obviously still have feelings for her
4) Am I afraid of the word "love"?
5) I am worried that she'll ask me to get back with her or something after the race
6) Aren't these the same things that I wondered about when we met for coffee months ago?
7) I wonder if I'm somehow thinking with the wrong part of my body (head vs heart, you perverts)?


I guess I don't really know what the hell is going on. Oh, and just to add to her litany of confusing actions, Duffy rolled her eyes in frustration when she walked in on me talking to Ambuler about hanging out with Julee this weekend.

I think that I'd like to hook up with one or two girls at least before getting seriously considering getting back with Juju. I mean, if I didn't, then this whole time off would have been a stupid pointless lie. Someone stop me.

I think that honestly if I manage to get back into shape, I will want her less. Does that make sense? I am also making the possibly erroneous assumption that after I lost some weight I'll be better able to meet other girls, so that must be related somehow. I don't know, like I said, someone stop me.

"Your Legs Grow" by Nada Surf

If you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost

you're the only person in the world
i feel that way about
and if you move off to the side
i'll get swept back out
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow

there's a light that rises up
from the bottom of the lake
and its beam has hit me hard
now i'm wide awake
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow

if you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost

Always Love By Nada Surf

This one goes out to my girl, Ashlee:



To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me..
Always love… Hate will get you everytime
Always love… Don’t wait till the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight

Self-directed lies
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
any card that you've been dealt you...

Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said…
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love…hate will get you everytime
Always love…hate will get you…

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
I…



As do you, so do I. It is hard, maybe impossible. I have found that religion is inconsequential. God doesn't matter. These things are only words. If God is anything, it is a conceptualization; a cosmic embodiment of love. There is no hate but what we have created for ourselves, and all illness and sadness is borne of it. I used to feel alone in a cold universe, until I realized that love connected me with every aspect of that universe, and, in effect, with God itself. If I find myself asking "Does God exist?" I find that the question becomes "Do I exist?"

Top Five Songs

***For the sake of symmetry, I've added six songs here, as there are six albums on my previous list.***

So to continue my top five listing, here is the list of the top five songs in my life. These songs are on the list for various reasons, including their immediacy to my circumstance, sincerity of lyrics, or just plain beautiful arrangement.

This list is in no particular order, and I got all the lyrics from www.sing365.com, so they might not be 100% accurate.

1) DO IT AGAIN - NADA SURF
This is the second song on the CD "The Weight is a Gift," which is on my Top Five Albums list. This song is a perfection of alternative rock, and seems to have been written FOR me. The sentiment of waiting and wanting is common in alternative rock, though I think it is most masterfully explained in this song. The feeling that one is spending one's life just existing, hoping for something great, but not really knowing how to achieve it is a feeling that I secretly hold. This song also contains the key lyric that is also the name of the album, "Maybe this weight was a gift." This line is intensely important to me, as it seems to apply to all aspects of my life. On a literal level, as I constantly battle my own weight, I have to wonder how much better I will be when I come to defeat it, or at least learn to love it. On a more wide reaching level, I wonder if the burden of my own martyrdom will in fact pay off later in some way that I cannot appreciate yet fully.

"well i'd snap to attention
if i thought that you knew the way
i'd open my mouth
if i had something smart to say

i bought a stack of books
i didn't read a thing
it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

the hum of the clock
is a far-away place
the azalea air holding your face
you're lying down
and the moon is sideways
(from the hot to the cold
it never gets old)

it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

i spend all my energy
staying upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

i want you lazy science
i want some peace
are you the future?
show me the keys

i spend all my energy
walking upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

when i accelerate
i remember why it's good to be alive
like a twenty-five cent game

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift"

2) GO OR GO AHEAD - RUFUS WAINWRIGHT
This song is number 6 on Rufus McGarrigle Wainwright's amazing album "Want One," which is on my top 5 albums list. This song made my list initially on its musical merits. It is an extremely powerful superballad with massive harmonies and intricate arrangements. The song speaks about love and abandonment and isolation. There is a feeling of wanting; screaming in the wilderness at uncaring trees. It is being in the middle of a crowd of wives and feeling completely alone and unloved. The song begins and ends with lyrics that are very important to me. It begins this way:

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love"

and ends this way:

"This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

The song sums up all of my fears about God and love, and makes me want to give up, which is a powerful thing to feel. I appreciate also though that the song does not deny love, just the definition that we all want to give it. The song calls to task the idea of love as a painful thing, and perhaps is speaking more about the hypocrisy of modern understandings of love.

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love
You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love
So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me
Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

3) PARANOID ANDROID - RADIOHEAD
One of the few songs in which I can find no fault. It is about alienation within modern culture, and isolation in an increasingly branded world. It may be getting clear that I relate well to ideas of isolation and alienation, and this song explains it on a societal level. Additionally, the music in the song is inspired evolutionary rock. It combines simplified cerebral rhythms with ambience and dynamism. It's quite simply brain music, for me. It puts my brain in a state of agitated excitement, but in a good way.

"Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking, screaming gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does...

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

That's it sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!"

4) TWO-HEADED BOY - NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
This is perhaps the most simple song on my list. The music is not technically impressive. The singing is not particularly impressive. The chord progressions are not particularly progressive or advanced. However, this song could not be more beautiful than it is, as it is. The lyrics are some of the most amazing that I've ever heard, even though I am still not sure how I take the song. It seems to me to be a statement about a delicate life. Something about separation and depression. In this song I hear freedom in art and music, but slavery in love and society. This song relates to my tendency to hide things away within myself - hide things that may be more of my true self than any of the other things that people see of me. I hear in this song that no one dies alone, or that God exists. I'm not sure if those are the same thing or not.

"Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it has passed
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

Two-headed boy
Put on Sunday shoes
And dance round the room to accordion keys
With the needle that sings in your heart
Catching signals that sound in the dark
Catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
With pulleys and weights
Creating a radio played just for two
In the parlor with a moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays
Silver speakers that sparkle all day
Made for his lover who's floating and choking with her hands across her face
And in the dark we will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
There is no reason to grieve
The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves
Left beneath Christmas trees in the snow
And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go"

5) BACHELORETTE - BJORK
This is off of Bjork's albm Homogenic. The song is intense with beat and arrangement, and is beautiful like all things that Bjork does. I relate to its vision of a person constantly giving love and being abused. The image of a tree growing hearts. This is a song about abuse and neglect, and offering oneself for the salvation of others. Or maybe it's about being taken advantage of, I'm not entirely sure, to be frank. The lyrics were not written by Bjork, but that doesn't matter to me. This section is important to me:

"I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near"

I have this odd thing happen to me every so often. I will be sitting or driving or otherwise alone and feel just that I would benefit from human connection. At this point I open my phone and start calling people. I usually call the same 6 or 7 people every time. For some reason, at these times when I so desperately just want to know that there is someone on the line, no one answers their phone. This happens at least once a week. No matter who I call, I get voicemail. It is maddening and depressive, and increases my feeling of alone-ness. This song seems to be about this feeling.

"I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl

Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream

Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street

I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near

Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break
Hum-yeah!
** Icelandic part **"


6) PICTURES OF SHORELINES - FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER
I don't have a whole lot to say about this song, I just really enjoy listening to it. The lyrics describe a love that I'd like to have, I guess, but really not more than other songs. The music isn't intensely amazing or anything, I just enjoy the song on a basic level.

"If you insist on pictures of shorelines
then i insist on pages of your lines meant for me,
to be sent to me.

Remember watching the storms from the lifeguard stand.
Remember feeling the tingling in my fingertips
when I touched your lips.

And I recall how you sat on the same side of me,
it always seemed that you'd always be on my side.
You're my best side.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and you have got the boldest eyes,
and I can't help but think it's right,
that inside you it's me I'll find.
And I'm still waiting.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and the storm off shore is not far behind.
And I'm still waiting.

And sometimes you don't say a thing for a long while.
And the ships off shore hold stories that we'd make.
And sometimes we are held at bay by these miles.
But less of you is more than I can take.

And the moments that we've shared could last a lifetime.
And the faith I have in us will keep you near.
And several of these miles placed in between us
mean several of these words being sent by mail.
I hope this letter finds you well."

Top Five Albums

***It occurred to me that I made a tremendous mistake when I first wrote this post, and so I am now correcting this and adding a sixth top CD that should have been listed in the top five. Further Seems Forever should actually be number 6 (in the original post, I had it as #4), and so I am moving it down but allowing it to stay in the post. Radiohead's OK Computer replaces FSF.***

These are the top five CDs in my life thusfar, or at least the five most important/influential to me.

These are in no order, by the way.

1) Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This CD is amazing. It is the type of CD that builds in importance and relevance as you listen to it more. The music and lyrics are more sincerely searching than those of nearly any other band, which is why this CD in on my list. Honesty is important, and this CD says nothing but total truth. This CD contains the song "Two-Headed Boy," which is also on my top five songs list.

2) Rufus Wainright - Want One
This CD is a work of mastery. Rufus is a unique voice in a crowd of screaming idiots, and he has complete control over his expression. The music is totally his, and could never be confused with someone else's. Again, he only says things that he intends to say. This CD contains the song "Go or Go Ahead," which is also on my top five songs list.

3) Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
A work of perfect alternative rock, with a taste for pop and harmony. The very title of the CD is an idea that I've long worked to believe, and think it is a beautiful statement. Basically every song on this CD has the potential for life change, and should be taken in that very serious way, even though it is just rock stuff. This CD contains the song "Do It Again," which is on my top five songs list, and seems to speak to me on a very personal level. I feel that this song is MY song, if ever there was one.

4) Ok Computer - Radiohead
Everything about this album is amazing and beautiful. The cover art is cryptic and aesthetically pleasing. The entire album speaks largely about floating homelessly through a cold world. It is about moving in a world too fast. I'm not sure if I am moving too fast, or if the world is, but one of us is moving at a different speed than the other, and it is the source of our problems. We are aliens searching for ships, hoping to find our home planets. It is sometimes better to die than to live the way that we do. Sometimes death is the only stop for our oddly propelled existence.

5) Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
This CD was really my first foray into anger, and is the earliest cd (in my life) on this list. It was really my first experience with the idea of strife, or of institutionally based anger. I began listening to this cd around fifth grade, after my brother bought it. Though I can't say that I necessarily agree or disagree with all of the lyrics, it was really the first music that I'd listened to that was to the point and hard. It was about this time also that I began to rebel in general and to start considering the impact of my life as well as that of others. I still think that this CD is a masterpiece of hard rock. None of the songs on this CD are on my top five songs list.

***6)Further Seems Forever - The Moon is Down
This band was my first introduction to Chris Carrabba, who went on after this album to become Dashboard Confessional, which I also love, though he didn't quite make it into my top five. This CD is beautiful from beginning to end; it is a perfect emo hard rock mixture. Though it is largely about love and other very traditionally emo topics, I have no problem believing Carrabba's sincerity. This CD contains the song "Pictures of Shorelines," which is also on my top five songs list.


I will post my Top Five Songs List some other time.