http://jeremygillitzer.blogspot.com/
in case you want to hear what he had to say about all sorts of stuff before he was taken by the officials
Saturday, December 15, 2007
jeremy's blog
Jeremy Gillitzer
I read about Jeremy on http://www.queerty.com a while back, and was intrigued because he used to look pretty dope before he got into anorexia and bulimia, and the difference was disturbing. Well, I guess he is being held largely against his will now for treatment (he is obviously not of a right mind). I'm not sure where I stand on this. I'm very big into ownership of the body and the self, and this may be infringing on what I consider to be his rights. But he may be vulnerable to himself, so it's hard to say really. I think it's better that he is there now, but I'm not sure that I like the way that he ended up there.
interview about the whole deal @ http://www.queerty.com/health/jeremys-journey-continues-20071214/1/
BEFORE
AFTER
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Duffy VIII
So I was supposed to hang out with the duffster last night, but she had to open this morning, so we decided not to. Instead, we went to lunch today when she got off of work. So I drove there and picked her up and we went to Oregano's, which is always delightful. I got a big slice of pizza (thin crust cheese) and a little salad (Oregano's Favorite Jr.) that I ended up taking home. She got Alfredo the Dark which is like macaroni with a Poblano cream sauce, and shrimp. It was actually pretty good. I think it went alright, but it's hard to tell. I mean, it was lunch for Christ's sake. How sexy can lunch even BE? The answer is not very. Not very at all. However, I think that we are going to go see Juno tomorrow night, which could be VERY sexy. It's still hard to say though. I need to buy more of that Curve Soul cologne that she likes, but I'm not sure if they still make it or not. Anyways, on Friday, I may even HOLD HER HAND. Thaaaaaat's right. Take it in. Let it engulf your loins. You're hot. You're hot and you don't even know it.
"I'm hot cause I'm fly
You ain't cause you not
This is why
This is why
This is why I'm hot"
This Is Why I'm Hot by MIMS
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Strange Strange Time
Sometimes I like to fantasize about not eating. At all. For long periods of time, like political statement long. Just let myself whither away. Muscle. Fat. Skin. Hair. Nails. Teeth. Let it all beg for salvation. But just let it all die. I don't think that I'D die this way, rather, I think I see it as a rebirth. A way to shed all the muscle that reminds me how strong I USED to be, and the skin that reminds me how clear it USED to be, and the fat that reminds me just how fat I AM. A way to put a pile of plates in the ground and cover it in dirt. A way to grow daisies with memories, instead of dreams. Are pain and results directly proportional? They just might be. I'm sure that all things worthwhile are painful, but I'm not yet positive that the most worthwhile are also the most painful. Is there any way else that I could be? I don't think so. So for the ultimate birth, I guess I'd be needing the ultimate death.
"Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul
O(h)m my Lord...
Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you
Won't you please
Oh won't you"
Give Me Love by George Harrison
I sometimes wish that I could flit in and out of people's lives unquestioned. That I was able to be there for a moment, make an impact, and then float away secretly lonely. This seems impossible though, as the more that I make myself emotionally available, the more people realize how few people are willing to do this. This realization is followed usually by an immense request. That's okay, that's why I'm here. But how great would it be to be KNOWN for being absent all the time except when you need it most? Would people demand less, but expect more? I'd love that, I think.
"I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps
I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love
I don't know how someone controlled you
They bought and sold you.
I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps
I don't know how you were diverted
You were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
No one alerted you.
I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
Look at you all . . .
Still my guitar gently weeps."
While My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison
I rarely get overwhelmed, but sometimes I feel like giving up. It seems so silly to me that nothing bad happens to ME, but instead to all of the people in my life. Is this an indication that the universe really does revolve around me? I had a decent upbringing, never really wanting much more than I got. I wasn't abused or lied to. I didn't make any major mistakes, and I wasn't the victim of someone else's. I haven't wasted love, and I realize how big that is. So why don't I have cancer? Why aren't I addicted? Why haven't I lost the love of my life? What's the deal? Is this all build up until the major event that will truly destroy me? When it gets to be too much, I like to think that I have a strategy, but it mostly involves trying not to cry, even if I'm sitting alone.
"Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
Golden slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles awake you when you rise
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby
Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullaby"
Golden Slumbers by The Beatles
I really like when sitcoms have dramatic episodes. For instance, I love the episodes of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when Will's dad shows up and gets back into Will's heart, only to break it again at the end. In all honesty, and at the risk of sounding like a geek, this was the episode that proved Will Smith's acting ability. At the end, he breaks down, and everytime I watch it, I still secretly cry. The only thing that has changed since the first time that I saw it is that if I'm alone I'm not ashamed to cry. The series finale of Roseanne is also excellent. In the last season or so, the show gets really weird. They win the lottery, Roseanne/Jackie's mom comes out as a lesbian, Dan has a heart attack, Jackie starts dating the Prince of Moldavia, Dan cheats on Roseanne, Darlene and David's baby is delivered premature and is supposed to die but lives. So anyways, it sounded really like the show had jumped the shark, but the last episode reveals that the season was a creation of the character of Roseanne, who took up writing as a coping strategy after Dan's heart attack, which he actually died from. The rest of the season is basically her way of running away or fantasizing, which is why so much great stuff happened. What really happened is: Jackie is a lesbian, her mother is not, Dan died from his heart attack, Darlene's baby (with Mark, not David) was delivered premature and somehow survived, Becky had gotten together with David, and Roseanne had begun writing. Anyways, in the series finale, when she exposes all of this, she comes to the point of telling about Dan dying and she almost starts crying, and I almost do as well. There was also an earlier episode I think where Dan's dad dies or something, and Dan cries, and it's pretty hard for me to watch as well. Now that I think about it, there was another episode of Fresh Prince that makes me cry, but I can't remember what it was. There was an episode of Scrubs that did as well, but I can't quite remember it well enough at this point to talk about it. Maybe I'll make a post of the things that have made me cry in my life. I can probably remember just about all of them. Here's a teaser: Fresh Prince, Roseanne, Julee, Paul, Magnolia, Armageddon, About Schmidt, Castaway, and some other stuff as well.
"Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru deva, om,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru deva, om,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my opened ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying Love which shines around me like a
million suns, It calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru deva, om,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva"
Across the Universe by The Beatles
Paper Bag
I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay put, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
And I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said, "It's all in your head"
And I said, "So's everything'" but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Oh hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving it works, when it costs too much to love
Duffy a no go
Duffy's a non viable option tonight. She has to open tomorrow morning (aka wake up at 4:30), so I told her never mind. We are going to go to lunch though I think. We'll see what happens. Updates to come as necessary. Erin never called me back.
Leave Them, We Gotta Go
So in my efforts to be there for people, I sometimes fail. I do this mental triage thing that basically says, "Okay, so who needs the most right at this moment? Who needs the second most? Ok, go." Should the triage instead be "Who matters the most to you at this moment"? It's hard, I guess. It's hard to look at three people, decide that you only have time for two, and just hope the other one understands. Combine this with my abstract concept of time (you'll notice, if you speak to me on the phone, how rarely I can actually say what day something happened on). I find that a week passes by before I realize even a day is gone. I hope that my friends grasp this about me, and that they will grant me their patience.
I hadn't spoken to Erin for a while (relatively), and I thought that she was mad at me, because every time we DID talk, she said very little:
Me: "So how was your day?"
Erin: "Fine."
Me: "...What did you do?"
Erin: "Work."
Me: "Anything happen at work?"
Erin: "No, just work stuff."
Me: "NOTHING happened today?" (this is the point at which my sensibility demands you to recognize at least ONE positive aspect of the day, so learn to identify this question)
Erin: "NO, just work. What do you want me to say?"
Me: "I don't know, SOMETHING"
Erin: "Ok, fine, I woke up, felt like shit, drove to work, got bitched at by my boss, did everyone's work like I always do, then I left work and now I'm talking to you."
Me: "Sounds like fun"
Erin: "Yeah, it was a blast"
Me: "..."
Erin:
Me: "..."
Erin:
Me: "You alright?"
Erin: "..."
Me: "Hello??? Are you alright?"
Erin: "What? Yeah! I'm fine!"
Me: "..."
Erin: "..."
So then I was supposed to go to this Christmas Party with her, but she told me that day that I wasn't going, and that she wasn't mad at me, and that she felt like shit. I felt bad, because I knew what she was doing (thinking that she was doing me a favor by not making me go, even though I actually did want to go), and I knew that there was no way around it. I intended to call her the next day, but some shit went down with Heather, and frankly, I forgot about it. And now it's Wednesday, and I was going to call her before I did anything with Duffy, but she called me first and was pissed off that I hadn't called her. Then she either hang up on me or her phone died (her phone always dies) after I told her about the week.
I wonder if it's better to spread it out or concentrate. It's not quite the 99 vs 1 conundrum that I thought it was (100 sheep, 1 runs away, shepherd leaves the 99 to find the 1, etc etc). I'm okay with that problem, but I find this is distinctly different. This is more like I have 100 sheep on a mountain rim and 3 of them run away. Two of them run straight at a cliff that's still about a mile away, and the other one starts walking down a path into the dark valley below us. Now, do I stop the one that is easiest to stop and then hope that I still have enough time to catch up to the other two? Or do I take off after the other two knowing that it'll be hard, but ultimately possible, to eventually get the third? The choice seems obvious, but the obvious answer is not always the right one.
"But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman"
Superman by Lazlo Bane
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