Amburger LOL FML

Okay, just real quick one:

Asked Amburger out.
She's seeing someone, it's new, she hasn't told anyone yet.
FML.

Bar with Lemon, Louis, and Matt C tonight.

Lemon II

So, this girl, seriously. Alright? I mean, come on!!! This is like a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that went through a house fire and then was doused by fire houses. Impossible to assemble. It is true that she seems to be open to hanging out often, although it is also true that I'm like her only friend in Phoenix other than her roommates, and even so, I may be the only native and, therefore a valuable asset in general. We DO get along preternaturally well, and she has admitted as much. She does outstanding and weird things like invite me to go camping with her and her family over the weekend in New Mexico. This seems like an obvious thing, but it becomes significantly less so when I mention that she also initially invited Louis (this happened when we three went to First Friday). I am worried about the things that are at risk here. I mean, if she ISN'T cool, and I spill guts, she'll never be able to be friends with me again, which I would hate. There are a few girls out there who can totally break your heart but then remain your friend. I don't know if she is one of these girls or not. When I first went to dinner with her and Marble and this other guy from training, she and Marble made a point of telling me how they hate it when they make a male friend, and that guy immediately thinks that they're interested, and gets all creepy with the texting and phone calling and stuff when they really just wanted to be his friend. I sort of took this as a warning. Co-workers tell me that this is overthinking it. I don't know. Opinions?

I'm cleaning out my garage

Parents bought me some plastic shelving, which is perfect. They are lightweight but heavy duty enough to hold hundreds upon hundreds of cd cases and old shirts and novelty underwear and whatever else is floating around my garage. It was important that they be lightweight so that they aren't a super bitch to move when our lease is up (my old shelving was super heavy chromed metal and it was awful to move).

I'm cleaning this garage up. It was already pretty bad, then Louis "cleaned" the house and basically just threw everything from the living room and main house randomly into the garage. So it was almost unbearably messy. Shit everywhere. I walked in and literally said, "Oh, my God. Shit everywhere. There's shit everywhere! Damnit! There's shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There's shit everywhere!" Or something like that. I don't remember EXACTLY what I said. Whatever.

Anyways, so I'm cleaning that shit and finding crazy old stuff. Like pictures of me from back in the day. And of old friends. And other things. Old clothes. Magazines. Books. CDs. I miss some of my friends that I don't get to see much. I realize that there is a chance that I'll leave for Peace Corps while Leslie is off exploring the world in the way that she has chosen to do so. I found a picture of her from her prom when she wore a blue dress with black bow detail stuff and was very tan and Stevie sort of ruined the picture, but he didn't look all that bad honestly. I found pictures from Cancun of myself with my shirt off. I found pictures from Italy of me and Elizabeth and my hair looks like Anthony Kiedis' hair did a few years ago, although the picture predates that stage of his career. Prom pics with Julee and Co. Fun times. We looked good. That one picture that haunts me of me flexing in front of my dad's car after it was painted. To be back there. I hate not being able to stop looking backwards. Saying more than once that things will change is worse than never knowing that they need to in the first place.

More and more

Some of my friends have postulated that I have an odd ability to befriend people who will need me in a significant way at some point. Some of my friends consider this a weakness. Some of my friend consider this a strength. Some of my friends probably don't think this is true anyways. I think that I do tend to meet people who are in hard places in life. Or maybe everyone has those hard places, and I just tend to be around when they go down. Whatever. The point is that I seem to always be called on during major crises. I've mentioned before that I love this about my life. It is kind of like being good at a really important job. I don't know, like being a food safety investigator who has never let an outbreak of E. Coli slip by on his watch or something. I mean, the other thing here is that people define crisis in different ways. For some, the crisis is simply whether or not to take a chance on loving someone unexpected. For others, it is whether they are going to be able to survive living with their parents any longer. For others still it is whether they will have a home and their daughter when they leave. I helped Terra move out of her mesa house and away from her raging husband. I packed up her uhaul. I drove to tucson to help unload it. I even slept there and tried to help console her. I tried to convince Heather that it was going to work out (it did). Et cetera et cetera. Et Set Terra. I wonder if it is that people who need me find me, or that people that I need find me. Or maybe that I'm just more aware of people who need help. I don't know. I think that it really comes down to whether I'm here for everyone else, or if they're here for me.

The New List

I'm operating under the premise that Bunna girl is going to more or less continue blowing me off, so here are the two new contenders:

Ironwoman (remember her?). She is a pro triathlete who works at the running store wherein I spend lots of money to flirt with her. She could conceivably be a lesbian, but I'm thinking she isn't. She also may have responded to my preliminary flirtations so I'm going to check back in on her after her next race or two when she has fewer time commitments.

Neighbor. She lives across the street and a house over. She lives with Elizabeth who dated Tree and who also lost my ipod. I've seen Neighbor in Cartel and always found her to be a cutie pie. Anywaaaaaaaaays Louis, Adam and I went to Rosita's for dinner (thanks for dinner, Adam) and she was the hostess girl, so I talked to her a little bit. She invited me to their party next Saturday. We'll see. She may be a druggie, but that's only based on her being friends with a modern want to be hippy. That's all.

Assorted Pictures

No textie

Just so you know, I'm like super over on my text (hundreds of dollars over), so stop texting me for the time being.

Met with Allan (alan? allen? alin? al inn? aladdin?) and picked up the lease, which looks fine, but we ARE going to be liable for the whole security deposit + rent for this first month, which is going to be insano expensive/I will be living completely on credit card for the little while.

Think that I'm going to work at the bikeshop. It'll give me about $9 an hour and hopefully 32.5+ hours a week. It will also be a good reason to become more bike-dependent again aka commute by bike. I previewed my planned route from the house to the shop, and it is beautiful, so I'm totes stokes.

Much love.

Laird of the Hunterbear

Sexy Pics

The master's biff



Wood fliz!


TIZ ON THE WIZ!


Sexy kitchen with brand new e'erthang!



Tasty log-infused great room:

Just checking in

Some things work out in weird ways. I hate being/sleeping alone, but I can spend extended periods of time largely by myself and be totally content. I can sit in a coffee shop or tea house for 5 or 6 hours filling out crossword puzzles and watching people. I hate walking next to a girl without touching her.

I've changed some strategies. Whereas all girls think that they value honesty and forwardness, they don't actually value it in the same way that they value animal attraction and cheesy game. Once I would have been the best listener she'd ever met, but then also possibly the best friend she'd ever stood to gain. I'm aware. Now I am young, dumb, and more or less full of cum, I guess. I can still listen like a fuckin' fox, but instead of responding, "maybe you should give your ex another chance," I'm going to be straight up like, "He's an idiot for not appreciating you." I mean, to whom do I hold loyalties, and why don't I hold them to myself? I still will never LIE to a girl, but if she stands to benefit as much from me as from someone else, I'm going to stop martyring. This is already working, to a certain degree. I think that I have Raerae confused, which is actually good for me. She was fairly sure that she didn't want to get into anything too quickly, but I think that she might be reconsidering, now that she knows how rad I am. We flirt. I say WE. I mean, I definitely do it more and more often, but she doesn't respond the way that an uncomfortable girl would. The other difference would be that in the past I would ask over and over if it was okay to flirt with her, and if she was comfortable and all that. Fuck that. I am going to do it even if it makes her uncomfortable. If she can't handle it, then we'll fall apart, but maybe that's best in that case. However, what if she CAN handle it? Then I win. Or we both do, or something.

Holy crap, the old wannabe Stevie Nicks playing guitar here at Bunna is now singing the weirdest cover of "The Reason" (Hoobastank maybe?) ever. It's actually better than the real song, but that isn't a tremendously difficult thing to accomplish. I just sneezed and it was better than the original. How that jerk won a songwriting award for that crap blows my mind.

Here's the list, in order:
Raerae
Hana
Delux
Tea
Coffee
Ironwoman
Granola

If any of those names are foreign to you, it's either because I haven't mentioned them (Delux), or you aren't paying enough attention.

Raerae: Duh, see this entry and the one before it.
Hana: I liveblogged about her and Tea, who both work at Mandala.
Delux: Plain Jane working at Lux.
Coffee: Cutest girl ever. Works at Bunna.
Ironwoman: Sold me these here running shoes.
Granola: Scary Eye's roommate. She has become rather boring.

So yeah, Granola is boring. She wakes up at like 2 or 3 and sits around until she goes to sleep again. She doesn't work or go to school. With all due respect, when you do so little with your day, you aren't going to have much to talk about. And she doesn't. Nothing is ever up nor is it ever new. Although it usually IS the plan for the day. Ugh.

Oh yeah, Carebear turned out to be part of a Bible study at our shop, which is for some reason a huge turnoff for me. I mean, I'm all for reading the Bible, but I hate the "four girls talking about Jesus and feminism" setup of their group. She is still cute as a ladybug, so if I think that she'll accept an advance, I'll extend one, but I don't necessarily plan on doing so now.

I'm looking for houses now. I'm about two weeks early, but I'm looking anyways. I'm looking in Tempe, South Scottsdale, North Chandler, and West Mesa, in that order. I've found some pretty promising listings already, so I think we'll be able to get something sort of nice. It shall be myself, Ashlee, and Lou Bega, so I'm hoping for a 4 bedroom (spare for storage) or a big 3 with a den or garage or something. My preferred neighborhood would really be the Maple Ash area that is just SouthWest of University and Mill. I want to sort of be near happenings, and people our age. I think Ashlee feels the same way. Lou Bega just wants to be somewhat closer to any semblance of an arts scene, since such a thing is completely absent from our area now. I'm excited. I want to have sex with some girl and have BOTH of them hear it. Not for any sort of pervy excitable reason like I get off on it, I just think that'll be funny. I'm also totally getting a sex gong. I think that being the age that I am, sex sort of loses its sacred aspect and becomes a little more fun, since now essentially every girl that I meet will have had sex at least once previous to me. Does that make sense? I mean that a virgin or a girl for whom I was her first might be offended by a sex gong, but a girlie who isn't so embarrassed by it would probably just think I'm a dummy, then roll over and go to sleep. Which I'm okay with. Lou B and I have been laughing about the idea for a long time, so I think it's definitely going to have to happen now at the new place. Especially since we will both be college graduates. I plan to help Loubiez get some, somehow. I am really pestering him about joining the gym and going with me. He says that he just wants to run, but honestly, I am going to be running a lot less than previously. I want to focus more on physical appearance than athletic ability, so running will become just one of the many things that I do. Whatever.

I told Raerae that she inspired me. She has what I think is a totally hot body/nearly perfect build. Broad-ish shoulders, small ribcage and waist, but WITH hips. Long legs, too. Big calves. Doesn't SOUND sexy, but it IS. I felt sort of lacking, for sure. She also told me about her friend Glenn (who is my primary competition for her panties...err, I mean heart) who is an Air Force ROTC guy who works out like a madman and has aspirations of becoming a test pilot, and then an astronaut, which is like growing up to become Mick Jagger with a huge dick, ya know? I can't beat that even if I DO cure cancer/AIDS. Fuck him. Maybe he'll become an alcoholic or meth addict due to the pressure. See, now this is a situation where traditionally I'd be like "Raerae, for reals, Glenn is great, and he treats you well, right? You sort of like him? Well, why don't you go out with him and see how it works? If it doesn't really play out, then maybe we could go out." Anyways, so I told her that her mild self hate (she doesn't like her body, and thinks that she could lose a few pounds) inspired me to also hate myself enough to make a change. So I'm going to try. Again. For reals. Laugh Out Loud. Lots Of Laughs. Look Out Lucy!

Okay, time to do this midterm I guess.

The Reason lyrics (Hoobastank)

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

A Broken Engine

I left the church around 8:30, maybe later. I went straight to the gas station so that I could get that damn fuel light to stop bothering me. Forty dollars. Pei Wei was still open, so I called in an order for most delicious Honey Seared Tofu on Brown Rice, and two Spring Rolls. Ten dollars. I return to my truck, my baby. The food sits patiently in the passenger seat waiting for my attention. I turn the key, hoping to head home. The engine turns over, chokes, dies. I turn the key again. Turn, choke, die. I turn it again, and press some gas. Turn, choke, die. The pedal didn't activate any response. No gas is flowing. I know I have gas. The gas cap is on. Sounds like a fuel filter. Adam took me home, because Louis was asleep. I am home now, no vehicle and no food (I ate the spring rolls while waiting for Adam, and the tofu when I got home). I ate my last bread and fruit yesterday for breakfast. Said I'd go shopping that day. Never did. I have shopping to do. Christmas as well. Anyways, I need a ride to GetInTheZoneAutoZone to pick up a new filter, and then a ride to my truck. They can leave me there. I'll replace it, and hopefully that will work. If it doesn't, I'll call Adam again, and have the truck towed to Sun Devil Auto. I miss my baby.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Leave Them, We Gotta Go

So in my efforts to be there for people, I sometimes fail. I do this mental triage thing that basically says, "Okay, so who needs the most right at this moment? Who needs the second most? Ok, go." Should the triage instead be "Who matters the most to you at this moment"? It's hard, I guess. It's hard to look at three people, decide that you only have time for two, and just hope the other one understands. Combine this with my abstract concept of time (you'll notice, if you speak to me on the phone, how rarely I can actually say what day something happened on). I find that a week passes by before I realize even a day is gone. I hope that my friends grasp this about me, and that they will grant me their patience.

I hadn't spoken to Erin for a while (relatively), and I thought that she was mad at me, because every time we DID talk, she said very little:

Me: "So how was your day?"
Erin: "Fine."
Me: "...What did you do?"
Erin: "Work."
Me: "Anything happen at work?"
Erin: "No, just work stuff."
Me: "NOTHING happened today?" (this is the point at which my sensibility demands you to recognize at least ONE positive aspect of the day, so learn to identify this question)
Erin: "NO, just work. What do you want me to say?"
Me: "I don't know, SOMETHING"
Erin: "Ok, fine, I woke up, felt like shit, drove to work, got bitched at by my boss, did everyone's work like I always do, then I left work and now I'm talking to you."
Me: "Sounds like fun"
Erin: "Yeah, it was a blast"
Me: "..."
Erin:
Me: "..."
Erin:
Me: "You alright?"
Erin: "..."
Me: "Hello??? Are you alright?"
Erin: "What? Yeah! I'm fine!"
Me: "..."
Erin: "..."

So then I was supposed to go to this Christmas Party with her, but she told me that day that I wasn't going, and that she wasn't mad at me, and that she felt like shit. I felt bad, because I knew what she was doing (thinking that she was doing me a favor by not making me go, even though I actually did want to go), and I knew that there was no way around it. I intended to call her the next day, but some shit went down with Heather, and frankly, I forgot about it. And now it's Wednesday, and I was going to call her before I did anything with Duffy, but she called me first and was pissed off that I hadn't called her. Then she either hang up on me or her phone died (her phone always dies) after I told her about the week.

I wonder if it's better to spread it out or concentrate. It's not quite the 99 vs 1 conundrum that I thought it was (100 sheep, 1 runs away, shepherd leaves the 99 to find the 1, etc etc). I'm okay with that problem, but I find this is distinctly different. This is more like I have 100 sheep on a mountain rim and 3 of them run away. Two of them run straight at a cliff that's still about a mile away, and the other one starts walking down a path into the dark valley below us. Now, do I stop the one that is easiest to stop and then hope that I still have enough time to catch up to the other two? Or do I take off after the other two knowing that it'll be hard, but ultimately possible, to eventually get the third? The choice seems obvious, but the obvious answer is not always the right one.

"But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman"

Superman by Lazlo Bane

No Shoes Lyrics

No Shoes

(Written by Paranoid Lary, As performed by the Roches)


One, Two Three, Four

I had no shoes
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no feet
That's really beat

I had no feet
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no knees
That was his disease

I had no knees
And I complained until I met a man
And you know what?
He had no butt

I had no butt
And I complained about it all
And then I met a man
Who had no balls

I had no balls
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no guts
No balls, no butt, and now no guts

I had no guts
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no heart
The most important part

I had no heart
And I complained, I did not understand
And then I met a man
Who had no hands

I had no hands
And I complained until I met a man
Who was a wreck
He had no neck

I had no neck
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no chin
Some folks lose, some folks win (Ahhhh)

I had no chin
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no nose
That really blows

I had no nose
And I complained until I met a man
Who never cries
He had no eyes

I had no eyes
And I complained until I met a man
Who felt no pain
He had no brain

I had no brain
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no head
As good as dead

I had no head
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hair
There was nothing there

I had no hair
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hat
Picture that. Not even a hat (Ahhhh)

I had no hat (had no hat? no hat!)
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no sky (no sky)
No reason why

I had no sky (why?)
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no stars (he had no stars?)
No Venus or Mars (no Venus or Mars?)

And not any stars!

I had no stars
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no God
That's rather odd

I had no God
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no faith
Nothing just in case

I had no faith
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no love
Nothing to dream of

I had no love
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hope
At the end of his rope

I had no hope
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no luck
That really sucks

I had no luck
And I complained that I had nothing left to lose
And then I met a man
Who had no shoes... (Ahhhh)

Duffy VI

So I just had a particularly tasty encounter with Duffy.

Here's the day leading up to it:
9:00am...Wake up.
9:00am-11:00am...Watch various judge TV shows (Mathis, Milian, etc).
11:0am-12:00pm...Deal with delinquent Sparkletts account.
12:00pm...Go get Oregano's Favorite Jr. salad and Bollo pasta.
12:30pm-2:00pm...Eat Oregano's Favorite Jr. salad and half of Bollo pasta. Update blog.
2:10pm...Should take leftovers downstairs before I leave to run.
2:15pm...Leave for run. Didn't take leftovers downstairs.
4:00pm...Get back from run, realize that leftovers were left in room. Update blog.
4:05pm...Realize that I have a final at 4:30.
4:10pm-4:20pm...Take shower/get ready for class. Decide to take leftovers downstairs on way out to class.
4:21pm...Leave for class, don't take leftovers downstairs.
4:35pm-5:35pm...Arrive at class, take final, get A in class.
5:35pm-6:15pm...Hang out with Anna and Stephanie after class. Stephanie reacts whenever I talk about other girls. She still has hidden feelings for me, I think. I'll make an entry about her some other time.
6:15pm...Drive to Coffee Bean to pick up tips, maybe see Duffy.
6:18pm...Realize that Duffy opens on Mondays, and won't be there; sadness washes over me.
6:28m...Arrive at Coffee Bean.
6:28:30pm...See Duffy walking out of Coffee Bean in street clothes.
6:29pm...

Duffy: Hey!
Me: Helloooooo, what's goin' on? *I have this supremely creepy way that I say "hello" to Duffy*
D: Nothin'. Just goin' to class.
Me: Oh, that sucks.
D: Yeah, I have a final tonight.
Me: Oh yeah? What class?
D: Ummmm. Spielberg and Lucas.
Me: Ah, yes, Spielberg and Lucas.
D: Yeah.
Me: Oh. So when's our next movie night?
D: I don't know, but soon. *ok, so this is definitely a good sign, right?*
Me: Yeah, I know, for reals.
D: But not tomorrow, I have class. *see? she really did mean soon*
Me: Ok, I'm open basically all week. Wednesday is reading day, and I don't open Thursday, so maaaybeeeeee...
D: Ya know, we were apparently supposed to call Becca and watch Ace Ventura with her.
Me: Fuck Becca. I already told her...*I realize that what I told her is that I can't get my groove thang on with her there*...Ah fuck it, I'm just like lick my balls, Becca
D: Hahaha, that's right.
Me: ...
D: You smell pretty.
Me: I smell pretty?
D: Well, like, "guy pretty."
Me: I see. Yeah, I went for a run, then I took a shower *right about now, I realize that what I'm about to say doesn't make any sense* but then I wasn't sure if that was enough, so I hit some cologne. It's a different one than the one that I've been wearing lately. That's probably why you noticed.
D: Yeah, it's sort of...spicy...
Me: Well, that works. I'm pretty spicy. Actually, I'm more saucy than spicy.
D: Saucy.
Me: Saucy.
Us at the same time: Saucyyyyy. Hahahaha.
Me: Well, I guess that I'll let you go to your final. Good luck.
...We hug...I think that she launches herself into me with a little bit more awkwardness than she was expecting...Her face sort of hits my ear with decent force...This is okay though, because we have an inside joke about her warm eye heating up my cold ear...I dispel any semblance of awkwardness:...
Me: Ah, my cold cold ear.
D: >teehee<
Me: Ok, goodnight, call me later this week.
D: Okay, 'night!

Yeah, so I think that there is definitely something there. All girls know the ol' "compliment his cologne" trick right? Or, at the very least, we've all heard that in a movie at some point or another, and Duffy does nothing BUT watch movies, so she definitely has heard it. I think I'm in pretty solid at this point, no? We'll see.

Oh, after I got home, I updated the blog that I share joint custody of with Louis:
gubom.blogspot.com check it out.

GTIII update

So I'm up to the battle against the devil on expert. It's "Devil Went Down To Georgia," but all the parts are redone in a hard rock style. It's hard. Like way hard. After I beat that, I will have officially unlocked "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce, but really, Louis already cheat coded it open. I can beat it on Hard, and we beat it on a Hard/Medium co-op. But expert is way harder. I think that I can conceivably finish it as soon as I can just get past the intro, which is deceptively hard. I've so far only made it 3%, but that's almost the entire intro, so once I get that shit done, I think that I'll be able to survive the rest of the song, even though the solos are harder than hell. We'll see.

I H8 Louis

Louis just broke the internetz. I'm stealing the neighbor's. I h8 Louis.

Erin

Where to begin?

First love of life, most likely. Advent of love, in fact. 2nd grade introduction to wonder and appreciation. I remember new emotions, like jealousy and desire. I hated Andy because I thought he had her. Turns out he didn't, though I still think that he could have. I turned to art for the first time ever. I drew the thing that I couldn't imagine and that I would have hated to have known (Andy and Erin having sex, though they both had penises, and one of them was floating above the other. It didn't really make sense, but it was the thought that mattered; and it got me in trouble, just like a grown up artist). It occurs to me that this really WAS the first time I had done this thing, and that it is something that I now do often. I find catharsis in facing fear or hatred or ugly evil, even if I have to create it first. That is, I might have to draw or paint or write this thing that I'm afraid of before I really realize that I'm actually afraid of it. So Erin may have introduced me to art as well. She has been my apparent host here. The person who announces my arrival. I didn't know that until just now, which is another example of her influence.

In 2nd grade I went to Las Vegas with my family. I think that I've told this story before. We were on a people mover or a conveyor belt or just walking next to a long picture window that opened up onto a man made lake with a volcano in it. This must have been at the Mirage where they have a volcano show with fire on the water. At some point I was able apparently to throw a coin in. The coin contained all of my love, and everything that I knew of prayer. I sincerely begged the volcano god to put me and Erin in the same class every year from then all the way through college, and then I secretly (even more secretly than this silent wish already) wished that we'd get married.

I still love her, and I'm sure that I'd do anything she asked me to do. She has experienced shit, and her life is so empty, that it almost makes me angry. Paul died, and killed a large portion of her. The bags under her eyes are my monument to him, and they will seemingly never let me forget him or his impact on her. If I were to want her to love me, I am not sure that I'd ever be convinced that I had 100% of her. She belongs to him still, and I do not know how to help her let go; I'm not sure if she's ready to yet.

It was always understood (by her and I) that she and Paul would end up together after he cleaned up.

Erin became the watermark for beauty, and my standard. She had a lean physique, like a drawing in my mind. She had jutting hips and long sinews of limbs that complimented her features and her hair, which appeared to be of a greenish tint. I know now that it was not green, but I seem to always see the hair of girls that I like as colors that it is not. That is extremely difficult to explain, but basically when I think of Erin, I picture her from eighth grade in front of a classroom that never existed, and her hair is light brown, but my brain looks at it and says "Green." I mean, it knows that it is light brown, but my brain SAYS "green." It's weird. Same thing happens when I picture Julee, only sometimes it's green and sometimes it's auburn.

On to 3rd grade, I don't remember Erin here, because Ms. Loyola was so hot that my memory was wiped clean. Okay, now 4th grade. Erin got me in trouble once, and I got detention. During recess she sat with me on the bench, which actually got her in trouble. I don't even think we spoke during that time we shared on the wooden bench. Okay, now on to 5th grade.

In 5th grade, I was sort of born. I decided that, for reals, I liked girls, and that was okay. At some point, I dated Laura. Maybe more about that later, I'm not sure yet. Also though, this is when Erin became the most sought after girl in our class. Every guy sort of simultaneously decided that Erin had it, and that we all wanted it. That sounds gross, but that's how it was; we didn't even know what it was, frankly. We just all sort of realized that she was hot and cool, and that we'd be hotter and cooler for being closer to her.

At some point, I wrote a note to Erin. It was neon green on one side, and white on the other. On the white side, I drew a skull that I largely lifted from a shirt I saw at Miller's Outpost, and I wrote "ERIN" in crappy Olde English lettering. I wrote something like, "Will you go out with me?" and then, "Yes/No Why/Why not?" and THEN "PS I really like you alot" (and the whole PS part was circled). I'm mostly excited that I asked "Why?" as in, "Yes? You WILL go out me? WHY?! What the hell's wrong with you?" Oh, and I wrote my name on the bottom, too. So yeah, I was a pretty smooth operator. I gave this note to Daniel to give to Erin (side note: Daniel was Erin's first kiss), which he did. Erin claims NOW that she wrote a note back that said "Yes," but I certainly didn't receive it. Her postulation is that Daniel didn't give me the note because of his jealousy (Daniel also liked Erin). I don't know, though, that's pretty convenient. So in the end, we never went out. Her loss. No, that's not true. My loss.

In sixth grade, I was completely smitten and in love with her. I called her all the time; enough even to be banned from calling by her mother. She dated Adam, one of my two best friends at the time, which actually really made me angry, but I didn't let anyone know. This was the height of my frustration.

In seventh and eighth grade I became more friendly with Elizabeth, and less with Erin. Those two did not like each other very much. I still secretly loved Erin, and wrote notes to her and stuff, but I was not as close to her as I used to be. Had she asked, I'm sure that I would have dropped everyone else for her.

High school was black days. We spoke rarely. She went to the all girl school across town. We grew apart. We came back together senior year, when we both worked at the rectory at St. Francis Xavier. We didn't like completely "rekindle," because she was with George, and I was with Julee, and we didn't always work together, but we became friends again.

We've sort of stayed friendly since then, and have recently (the past year or so, especially since Julee and I broke up) become very close. Inextricably close; perhaps symbiotically, at least on my end. My well-being these days involves her, even though we don't talk EVERY day anymore. I still love her as much as I did in 2nd grade, and in the same confusing way. I am perpetually secretly in love with her, though I am willing to hide that away for her benefit. It may be better for her that I am only her friend. I am okay with that, if that is what is truly best for her. I have only her best interest in mind.

to be continued...

The Ashy Ashleez

Ashlee wanted to leave, so I told her she could come here. We played massage and layabout and dinner. I had work the next morning, so I left her creamy corpse on someone else's bed and slung beans. She stuck around and "cleaned" my house (aka picked up a single piece of usable ware and made it into trash). Then after work we Chil[l]i[ed] for lunch. We also grabbed some iced gut death, and she bought Guitar Hero III (GHIII) for [louis and] I, but mostly less of the []. She loves me. I found out later that Erin had also bought GHIII for L&I, and was thusly very angered by this. But that's not what this is about.

My homage to Ashlee'z kindness was that I named my career after her: "The Ashy Ashleez". Louis did the same thing: "Baseline Rapi$t", I think because Ashlee'z buxom proportions inspire intense almost uncontrollable lust and desire. L&I also started a co-op career as "2 Crude Beez," which is code for "Two C-Cup Boobs," aNOTHER reference to Ashlee. Actually, I made that last one up. 2 Crude Beez doesn't mean anything.


“Gaily the Troubadour
Touched his guitar.”

Thomas Haynes Bayly

Danette

Danette was Korey's friend. Korey owned the house at which my then band practiced (her parents/neighbors were pretty understanding). Korey was friends with AJ and Vic who were the guitarist and singer, respectively, in this band (The Virgin Yard, by the way). So anyways, this was during my freshman year of college during the portion of time that I Julee and I were broken up. Danette was very charming, and still rather young; she was naive, but not stupid. I liked that she hoped for the best from people, but already knew that most guys were generally shit, and would treat her poorly. She was busty and cute, though like with many of the girls that I call "cute," I was apparently the only guy who thought so. High school and college aged people generally have very underdeveloped appreciation for beauty, especially that which is steeped in nuance. Danette was this type: full of promise and defined by her subtlety.

We sort of flirted a little while the band played, and we would continue said flirting during band breaks. Eventually, Korey told me that I should ask Danette to her prom (reminder: at this point, I'm a freshman in college, Danette is a Junior at my old high school, where Julee is a senior). I instead take Danette out a few times. I don't really remember exactly all of what we did, but I know that we drove quite a bit. I loved driving at the time, and I would take her to places that she hadn't seen before, or places that were really dark, which is always exciting. I remember driving through a neighborhood full of gardens. We had the windows down so that we could smell the sweet aromas drift lazily through the desert development. I saw a large stand of bougainvillea that stood out among the low lying daisies and roses. I stopped my truck abruptly, jumped out and broke off a decent sized little branch covered with lush purple petals and got back into the truck, where I presented it to Danette. This was, obviously, the sweetest thing ever. A few of the petals fell off in my truck, where they stayed until my father unwittingly threw them away one day weeks later.

One day Danette for some reason or another had driven to the townhouse which I lived in with Louis. Frankly, I don't really remember why, but it ended up with us at my back gate in front of her car. I was holding her by the waist, and she had her hands around my shoulders. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed back. I did it once more, same thing. Then I attempted the third, and probably more involved (read: open mouthed) kiss, and she backed off. I let her go sort of gracefully, and with the least amount of embarrassment or awkwardness possible. We said goodnight, and she left.

After that, we sort of cooled off. I still don't entirely understand why, honestly. She says that I backed off after that, and that she assumed it was because of the kissing thing. I said that SHE backed off, and I assumed that it was because I was either a terrible kisser, or I was somehow moving too quick for her. Didn't matter really, we still remained friends, and I still planned on going to the prom with her (oh yeah, I had asked her at some point between the dates).

Before I asked her, I checked with Julee. I didn't want to cause any trouble, and I figured that the best way to do that would be to ask Julee if she was okay with me going to her prom with Danette. Julee told me that she didn't care, so I went ahead and asked Danette.

Danette, Korey, AJ, and myself went all together in my dad's 72 Caprice. I remember that I let my then hair stylist (Hope) do my eyebrows. She did a terrible job, and I looked ridiculous, but I'm over it now.

Once at the actual prom, it became pretty clear to everyone that Julee was really NOT alright with me being there. This coupled with the fact that Julee wore the exact same dress as Julia (she gets a tag, now). So after talking a little bit, a massively offensive date swap was worked out, and I swapped dates with Josh who had come with Julee. He agreed to take care of Danette, who didn't seem too offended to be swapping. Now, this was in my earlier days, before I could really read people all that well, so don't blame me for my idiocy. Of course Julee wasn't okay with me going to her senior prom, even if she said that she was okay with it. Of course Danette wouldn't be okay with me dumping her at prom to go back with my ex girlfriend, and then pawning her off to the guy that said ex had come with.

I honestly feel pretty bad about the whole thing now. I wonder though if Julee and I would have gotten back together if it weren't for that prom. At the same time though, would Danette and I have persevered if I hadn't gone? Maybe. Weird.

Danette is one of those girls that I sort of wish I had a second shot with. I still think that she is gorgeous, and she was so nice that I think I would have really liked a better chance to get to know her. I guess that timing just doomed us. I think that she is in a pretty serious relationship with some guy that she met in college. Too bad. She falls in with Marissa and a few others on my "Would like a second/better shot."

"Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."

William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

Adam

Adam is a curious story.

He had become engaged to his high school girlfriend Becky while he was still living in St. Louis, which is where he grew up and went to school, and also where he earned his music degree. The only major problem is that Adam was pretty sure that he was gay. So about halfway through the engagement, he broke down and drove to Becky's parents house and fell apart and said that he couldn't get married (though he didn't say why). Becky came over, or they called her or something, and the engagement was officially called off. Adam felt like his whole life was crashing down, so he wanted to get out of St. Louis. This is when he moved to Phoenix.

He came here and lived with a friend of his from St. Louis who had relocated to Phoenix previously. This friend was also gay (which Adam was now starting to identify himself as, though he still hadn't said it to anyone who lived in St. Louis). He played a few piano and jazz and gay bars for money, but didn't really settle into a job per se. After a few months, he followed an ad for a church looking for a new music director; he interviewed and was almost immediately offered the job, even though I think he was only 23 at the time, and looked about all of 16.

The band that I already played in at another church had been asked to come to this church to help with the contemporary mass. I met Adam and sort of realized that he didn't have any friends (he had to move out of his place with his friend, because the church was on the other side of the valley), so I asked him if he would like to hang out and go to lunch. We did, and we became friends sort of easily. I remember confusing him when I said that "I'd be gay for Rufus Wainwright."

Adam originally had issues with the church at which he accepted the job, because he was now referring to himself as gay, and he was worried that they might not be okay with that. I suppose that his concern was warranted, as the church had a touch of the conservative streak going for it. In the end though, he came out to his immediate bosses (a handful of deacons and a couple of priests), and they all told him it was no big deal, as long as he didn't act on it (or at least as long as they were unaware of him acting on it). So, it was all worked out in that way.

We had begun hanging out quite a bit, even though I still lived in Phoenix. I'd drive to his apartment to hang out. We'd press some coffee and watch a movie or go over some of his songs. Nothing romantic of course, as I wasn't really attracted to him at all, but we hung out a fair amount of time.

I eventually moved out to his part of town to go to a different campus, and we started hanging out even more, of course, as none of my other friends really wanted to drive all the way out here. I remember one time Adam drunkenly came on to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, it's actually kind of funny. We had gone to Karaoke with the band leader from the band group that I came over to the church with (and her husband). Adam had a number of amaretto sours, a martini or something, and a scooby snack, and so was fairly drunk. I drove us back to his house, where I figured I'd just spend the night and then have him drive me back to my truck. He for some reason slept on the couch, instead of his bed, so I slept in his piano room on a recliner. At one point during the night, I got up to use his bathroom, and as I was walking in its general direction, Adam says "I'm still awake, ya know." So I said "Um, okay." He said, "I just thought you might like to know" or something to that effect. So I basically ignored him. In hindsight, and knowing Adam better now, it is sort of clear that that was his advance. I never told him that he said it though, because he was too drunk to remember saying it at all.

Adam went on a few dates with girls, just to see, and a few dates with guys, just to hope. The girls never panned out, and most of the guys seemed sort of creepy. Finally though, he went out with his old roommate (the one he originally lived with when he moved here), and they ended up having sex. He described giving oral as making him "feel like a pornstar," which was obviously hilarious.

As far as I know, they never hooked up again.

Adam is now with Kristin. She came on to the church as the new youth minister, or the person in charge of the youth groups and other such things. He had begun speaking to her before she even arrived in town (Facebook is a fabulous thing). She was moving back here after leaving to go to school on the East Coast. I cautioned him against getting involved with her romantically (oh yeah, by the way, Adam had sort of arrived on the idea that he was more bi than gay, but more gay than straight), because he was going to have to work very closely with her, and if the relationship didn't work, it would be very bad. Ignoring my advice, as so many foolish people often do, he started hanging out with her constantly when she first arrived, and they sort of started dating. Within about 3 or 4 weeks they were in a full blown relationship situation, and within 6 weeks, he was sleeping at her house more than ours (oh yeah, we had moved in to a house with Louis). I continually cautioned him against where he was heading with her, because I had sort of figured out who she was by this point, and didn't think that they would work well.

They don't. She is rude and largely humorless. She hugs like an old tire. She is critical, and probably dismisses his homosexual tendencies. She thinks that she is smarter than me, which is impossible. She is one of the few women that I've ever met that I have absolutely no attraction to in any way. Sexual, emotional, intellectual, whatever, absolutely no attraction to this girl.

Whenever just he and I hang out now (which is almost never, especially since he now essentially lives with her) he spends the time complaining about her, and saying basically how much he wishes he wasn't with her. THEN, he'll tell me that he's moving his piano into her house or something. He doesn't make any sense.

Adam believes that he will die in November (the month that we are currently in). He believes this because someone (a priest who has since left the priesthood) told him that he will die in November of this year. Adam then corroborated this prediction by using some Angel Rods (his were made out of coathangers, of all things), which did indeed say he would die in November, although I've already explained to him how faulty these methods of prediction are. I've explained to him also that I believe if ANYTHING, he will experience a kind of death other than a physical one. I would see it more likely that he experience a social death, or an emotional death, or the death of someone he is symbiotically linked to, or in a relationship with.

Anyways, if Adam dies this month, I'll probably blame it on self-fulfilling prophecy (he really secretly believes it to be true), rather than the predictive abilities of someone as flaky as Basil.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen

Louis

I became friends with Louis late in grade school, even though we'd been attending the same school since like 2nd grade or earlier. We became friends because we were generally recognized as the artists of the class/school, and it just seemed to make sense. We are largely antithetical, although if there were one person who really understood my humor completely, it would be him. I can say "I pi R squared protein in the brain" and he will respond in kind with something along the lines of "Warmeanie, cloudmeanie, shark-cloudmeanie, fuckin carbone" to which I will then respond "SHADdup yeeeouuuu." It ONLY makes sense to us, and even then only slightly. I said that we are antithetical because I prize nature and exercise and pushing my limits physically and mentally. I eat insanely healthy food only, and am constantly evaluating things. He sleeps as much as possible, exists entirely on frozen pizza and can't run a neighborhood block. He hopes to die before he turns 40 just to avoid having to endure aging poorly (whereas I would rather gird myself in advance for a long lifetime of healthy and exciting aging).

I moved in with him (and Ashlee) after we graduated high school, and lived there for about 3 years. I lost my virginity in that house (to Julee, not Louis). My relationship with Julee wilted and re-blossomed in that house. I learned who I was, and experienced various extremes in that house (I was my most muscular in that house, as well as nearly my fattest/sloppiest/weakest).

Louis graduated college with a Fine Arts degree, which is appropriate because he is one of the most gifted artists that I have ever known. He not only has technical ability, but also unique vision which is the most important aspect of art anyways. He does not pursue this with enough vigor though. I wish that he would quit the bank job and give himself to art. But that is not fair of me to ask of him.

Louis acts like he doesn't give a shit, and he sort of doesn't. Really though, he is dangerously fragile, and desperately alone. He would like to have a girlfriend, but he has terribly high expectations and unrealistic standards. He needs to get his feet wet, but he is afraid of water. In fact, his toes are cracked and bleeding. Do you understand?

"People are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling."
- Dr. Robert Kelso