Reevaluating the shit

It is part of every responsible person's duty to periodically reevaluate their feelings and decisions on various experiences. For myself, this includes past relationships, conversations, career plans, and personal creeds. Of course, the most obvious things for me to reconsider occasionally are Julee, med school, and straight edge.
The Julee thing is fairly open and shut. I think that I maybe should have stuck with Danette that night at prom, but then everything nowadays would be upside down. I don't know that I'd even be able to have this sort of reflection. I'd probably be a kinesiology student still, for instance. I don't know, it's impossible to say what could have been. I still occasionally miss Julee, but I am mostly glad that I'm away from her. I have developed a new taste for women, and a new appreciation as well. I see now that if I were to meet Julee NOW, I wouldn't be all that interested in her, really.
Medical school is too vague to talk about. I wonder if it is the right decision, but I don't think that I'm ready to commit to either side.
Straight edge demands reflection. Any reason that I have for STAYING straight edge will probably be different than any reason I had for BECOMING straight edge. I wonder if I'm not depriving myself of something, as opposed to protecting. I still generally view alcohol and drugs and casual sex as detrimental to spiritual fulfillment, but is it really so black and white? Small amounts of alcohol or weed can actually have beneficial effects on the body (and the soul, according to some), so why do we take such a hard line stance? Should not the stance be against getting drunk as opposed to drinking? Is it true that you can not have an honest opinion on a situation to which you are unexperienced? Because I've never been high, can I really say that I don't see any spiritual betterment in doing so? This is not the same thing as abortion.
Someone who has never known love cannot say that it isn't important to them, I don't think. Someone who has never had sex cannot say that sex is not important to them, unless they throw an asterisk on the end of that statement. And what about the word love? In an effort to retain the sacred aspect of SOMEthing, I used to hold back my affection. I was separated. Kisses considered too valuable. Sex considered distant. The word itself saved for unique situations. Maybe we'd be better people if we didn't overload that word, or put too great of expectations on it. Why can't we redefine love? People claim that using the word too often devalues it. This may be true, and in fact probably is. But that's why we have poetry, isn't it? We can prove the level of our love (love is a spectrum, after all) by our actions, more so than we'd ever be able to with words. Sometimes it may be better for us to tell someone we love them, even if we don't LOVE THEM. Why is there some weird quota involved here? It feels like we attribute the word to a feeling we had with someone at some point, and then we only use it again when we achieve the same feeling or something greater. If we do THAT, I fear that we might be OVERvaluing the word. Why not just love everyone, but be aware that perhaps we love some people more than others, and that the word may not always mean the same thing every time we use it? The danger lies in the interpretation of the word by the other person. If I tell someone that I love them, they may not understand exactly how I feel. Once again, poetry comes into our lives and demands that single words only superficially represent the way that we feel. Didn't Adam tell me that the Japanese don't say "I love you," but rather use a word that basically means "loving" or is a verb for a loving feeling experienced at that moment? This makes more sense to me. In this way, we are not locking ourselves into a designated height of expression, but rather just saying "At THIS moment, I feel something for you that it tremendously positive and enjoyable." However, I wouldn't dare say that to a girlfriend who just said she loves me, lest she cut my testicles off.
So what's the point? Love is transient and subjective. How we feel at any point is only how we feel at THAT point. If I'm laying next to someone and I feel my mouth forming the words, "I love you," maybe I'll just say it. Or maybe I'll preface it and protect my own future heart by saying. "At this moment, I feel love for you." It's hard to say.
Is the whole straightedge thing similar to veganism? I don't know. I feel like since I have already categorized the animal products industry as a negative thing, I cannot partake at all. In other words, I've decided that it is bad, so for me to support it would just be hypocritical in the most damaging way. It isn't even really possible to say, "veganism is too hard, I'm going to just have a little bit of cheese now and then," because I know that it ISN'T too hard. Or maybe it is, but I like to think that we ought to allow things into our lives that we know are hard, because it makes us better. If it really IS too hard, then you don't just throw it out the window. You strive and strive for it, and actually do the best that you can. You don't just SAY that you're trying your hardest. I mean, I think that I'd rather you didn't try at all than to lie to everyone and lower your standards. The point though is that I don't necessarily consider alcohol and weed to be the same as like meat and fur. The meat and fur are damaging and destructive in their production, and my consumption thereof only encourages that. My support further enhances the idea that man has been given unchecked domination over all of creation. That we can decide who dies and why. We're all just creatures. Weed and/or alcohol are only as bad as the people who consume them. Getting drunk is damaging, but is DRINKING that bad? Some of the most respected and peaceful peoples in the history of peoples enjoyed the occasional drink (or smoke). Who else might I be? And besides, people who are straight edge are usually just scared, honestly. Scared of various things, but scared nonetheless. Maybe of their past, or their family's past. Maybe of the future, or a lack thereof. It's hard to say.

Danette

Danette was Korey's friend. Korey owned the house at which my then band practiced (her parents/neighbors were pretty understanding). Korey was friends with AJ and Vic who were the guitarist and singer, respectively, in this band (The Virgin Yard, by the way). So anyways, this was during my freshman year of college during the portion of time that I Julee and I were broken up. Danette was very charming, and still rather young; she was naive, but not stupid. I liked that she hoped for the best from people, but already knew that most guys were generally shit, and would treat her poorly. She was busty and cute, though like with many of the girls that I call "cute," I was apparently the only guy who thought so. High school and college aged people generally have very underdeveloped appreciation for beauty, especially that which is steeped in nuance. Danette was this type: full of promise and defined by her subtlety.

We sort of flirted a little while the band played, and we would continue said flirting during band breaks. Eventually, Korey told me that I should ask Danette to her prom (reminder: at this point, I'm a freshman in college, Danette is a Junior at my old high school, where Julee is a senior). I instead take Danette out a few times. I don't really remember exactly all of what we did, but I know that we drove quite a bit. I loved driving at the time, and I would take her to places that she hadn't seen before, or places that were really dark, which is always exciting. I remember driving through a neighborhood full of gardens. We had the windows down so that we could smell the sweet aromas drift lazily through the desert development. I saw a large stand of bougainvillea that stood out among the low lying daisies and roses. I stopped my truck abruptly, jumped out and broke off a decent sized little branch covered with lush purple petals and got back into the truck, where I presented it to Danette. This was, obviously, the sweetest thing ever. A few of the petals fell off in my truck, where they stayed until my father unwittingly threw them away one day weeks later.

One day Danette for some reason or another had driven to the townhouse which I lived in with Louis. Frankly, I don't really remember why, but it ended up with us at my back gate in front of her car. I was holding her by the waist, and she had her hands around my shoulders. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed back. I did it once more, same thing. Then I attempted the third, and probably more involved (read: open mouthed) kiss, and she backed off. I let her go sort of gracefully, and with the least amount of embarrassment or awkwardness possible. We said goodnight, and she left.

After that, we sort of cooled off. I still don't entirely understand why, honestly. She says that I backed off after that, and that she assumed it was because of the kissing thing. I said that SHE backed off, and I assumed that it was because I was either a terrible kisser, or I was somehow moving too quick for her. Didn't matter really, we still remained friends, and I still planned on going to the prom with her (oh yeah, I had asked her at some point between the dates).

Before I asked her, I checked with Julee. I didn't want to cause any trouble, and I figured that the best way to do that would be to ask Julee if she was okay with me going to her prom with Danette. Julee told me that she didn't care, so I went ahead and asked Danette.

Danette, Korey, AJ, and myself went all together in my dad's 72 Caprice. I remember that I let my then hair stylist (Hope) do my eyebrows. She did a terrible job, and I looked ridiculous, but I'm over it now.

Once at the actual prom, it became pretty clear to everyone that Julee was really NOT alright with me being there. This coupled with the fact that Julee wore the exact same dress as Julia (she gets a tag, now). So after talking a little bit, a massively offensive date swap was worked out, and I swapped dates with Josh who had come with Julee. He agreed to take care of Danette, who didn't seem too offended to be swapping. Now, this was in my earlier days, before I could really read people all that well, so don't blame me for my idiocy. Of course Julee wasn't okay with me going to her senior prom, even if she said that she was okay with it. Of course Danette wouldn't be okay with me dumping her at prom to go back with my ex girlfriend, and then pawning her off to the guy that said ex had come with.

I honestly feel pretty bad about the whole thing now. I wonder though if Julee and I would have gotten back together if it weren't for that prom. At the same time though, would Danette and I have persevered if I hadn't gone? Maybe. Weird.

Danette is one of those girls that I sort of wish I had a second shot with. I still think that she is gorgeous, and she was so nice that I think I would have really liked a better chance to get to know her. I guess that timing just doomed us. I think that she is in a pretty serious relationship with some guy that she met in college. Too bad. She falls in with Marissa and a few others on my "Would like a second/better shot."

"Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."

William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

Fear and Self Loathing

HISTORY:
I've been overweight my whole life. Not necessarily "fat" (I know this in hindsight only), as I apparently have always carried the weight well and come off as muscular, but overweight and certainly over fat nonetheless. I was 185 (at 5'8") as a freshman in high school, and I had not really ever worked out or anything previously, so it was a loose 185 (size 36 pants). I played football those two years and got up to about 190 or 195 (still size 36) during the sophomore season. I didn't play junior year and stuck around 195 (size 38) or so. I'd lost a lot of muscle because I did not replace the exercise I lost from football. On the first day of senior year (2002), I began a hardcore low carb diet and lost weight like crazy. I dropped 18 pounds in two weeks and eventually landed at around 165 in October or so. I joined the wrestling team and was asked to get down to 152. I did, no problem. I never once had a problem making weight. I came in at 151.5 (size 30) for the entire season (except State Finals, for which I was 153). I did well. I was one of the best wrestlers on the team, though I did poorly at State (8th). After the season, I finished out the semester at around 160 (size 32) or so.

After graduation, I stayed around 160. In August (2003), I joined a gym and made it to 161.5 and 11% body fat, which was my all time best at that point. I continued to bodybuild and powerlift (powerbuilding, essentially, with a bias towards bodybuilding). By the next spring (2004), I was about 170 (size 33), and rather muscular. I spent that Summer literally eating everything possible, and got up to 215 by the next Fall, though I was still more thick and muscular than anything else. In January 2005, I began to diet back down again, and in the Spring of that year I was about 180 and muscular. I spent the summer working at a bike shop, working out, and rock climbing a few times a week. I was about 185 (size 36, sort of loose though) and very muscular (for me) in August, when I fell from a bouldering wall and broke my ankle. I had surgery to repair it and was laid up for a few weeks. I had to withdraw from school, and I spent that semester gaining 40 pounds of fat (225lbs). I had trouble getting back in to the gym, even after I was given the all clear to begin heavy loading again. I hit an all time high of 230 (size 40, tight) that Summer. It was not a solid 230.

I went back to college that August 2006, and began to eat a vegetarian diet. I moved on to campus to accommodate my intense pre med schedule. I had trouble still keeping to a program (diet or physical). I stayed at about 225-228 that semester (size 40). I attended the pre-race convention for the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Marathon 2007 with Julee (who was running it), and was inspired by the energy. I enrolled in a Spring Half Marathon (Whiskey Row in Prescott), and a Summer Full (San Diego Rock N Roll). I had trouble really sticking to a running program because my schedule was even more intense than the semester before it. Spring rolled around and I had to downgrade to the 10k Whiskey Row, and I dropped entirely out of the San Diego race. Disappointing, but I still enjoyed the experience in Whiskey Row, which I ran with my brother.

At that point, I was between 223-225 (size 40). I spent the Summer working and occassionally running and working out. I started the Fall semester at 226. I've spent this semester battling various issues with food, though I've managed to work out and run and hike enough to find myself at 213.5 (size 36) and losing. I am enrolled in the PF Chang's Rock n Roll Half Marathon in January. I was recently measured to be 23.2% body fat at 214.5 lbs.

ETIOLOGY and EFFECTS:
My mother used to tell me to eat less, and would ask me "You don't want to be obese, do you?" However, I was 10 when she asked this. I had no idea what obese really was. I also didn't see the connection between eating and obesity clearly. I found myself feeling ashamed when she said these sorts of things to me, and I responded by eating even more. I spent a lot of time eating or finding ways to eat. I ate crazy things (american cheese and butter on a tortilla with ranch dressing). It got quite out of hand. I found that I was able to eat enormous quantities of food in single sittings, and this "talent" was encouraged by family when we went out to eat.

In high school, my closest ring of male friends referred to me by the nickname "Fat." It was sort of intense to be called just that singular word so often, as a noun. As if it were THE thing that I WAS. I couldn't help but be affected negatively by this, even though I think that I was a fairly strongly willed person.

When I lost so much weight in Senior Year, I was flattered by the apparent circling concern among faculty that I was anorexic. People remarked to me, "You look so good now" and "Your face is built so much differently than I'd expected!" The word "now" from that first statement stands out to me. I take that to mean "You look good NOW, you didn't THEN." I was also able to finally convince Julee to date me, after months and months of trying (I started courting her in February 2002, and she didnt' go out with me until December in the Senior year (2002). EVERYTHING in my life seemed to get better.

I enjoyed bodybuilding very much, and I loved the way that my body looked, although I still felt like I had fat to lose. I was never satisfied, even when my friends told me how lean I was, or how excellent I looked. One girl (Korey, Danette's best friend at the time) even commented once while walking behind me, "Nathan, holy shit, you're so tiny! Your waist is smaller than mine!" But I couldn't hear these things.

When I gained the 40 pounds in the Summer of 2004, it was by eating anything and everything and working out very intensely 4 or 5 times a week. I was at my most muscular, though also maybe my fattest. I was not bothered by this though, as I felt like I was laying the muscular groundwork, and that I could diet the fat off later.

I broke my ankle at the end of the Summer of 2005, when I was probably at my all time most FIT. I was lifting the heaviest weights of my life, cycling to work (15.5 miles one way), rockclimbing, and doing other active things, too. So breaking my ankle was like falling off of a mountain. I had reached this awesome pinnacle of fitness, only to fall (literally) into a depressive inactive state.

I gained weight and gained weight.

Summer of 2006 hit me with 230 pounds and a tight size 40 pants. I was actually probably more like a 42, but I absolutely refused to buy a pair of 42 waist pants. This was the fattest AND least fit point in my life. I was mired in depression, and felt helpless. I struggled with eating issues. In the Fall of 2006, I found that I had to force myself to NOT purge, and that I was exhibiting symptoms of anorexia. I battled with it alone for that entire semester, not really telling anyone who could help me (I told Leslie, but she was limited in her capacity to help.

I've learned about anorexia athletica and hypergymnasia, which are basically when a person uses to exercise to overcompensate for food intake. Generally this is considered when someone figures "Ok, I ate 1000 calories today, so I need to do at least 1000 calories worth of exercise to make sure that I don't gain any weight." I didn't know it at the time, but I see now that back in Spring 2004 I did exactly that. I would say "I want to go out to eat with Julee tonight, and I think that I'm going to eat 750 calories, so I'm going to do 1000 calories worth of cardio before I go to compensate."

I still have issues with disordered eating. Lately, I've been refuting my body's desire to begin anorexic behaviors. Anorexia is either the absence or denial of appetite. I have had to force myself to eat a few times this past semester, and I'm finding that I'm losing weight for no apparent reason. I'm not really dieting, and I've not done very well to stick to an exercise program (even in light of the impending half marathon). However, this semester I have dropped from about 225 to my current 213.5. The past weekend (Thursday through Sunday), I ate poorly and excessively every day. I stepped on the scale on Tuesday just to see what sort of effect that had on me, only to find that I'd lost another half of a pound. I'm excited, but also worried. I'd like to be below 200 when I run the half, if that is possible, but I've decided to not focus on outcome oriented goals. Rather, I'm trying to set lifestyle or behavior goals, in the belief that the outcomes will follow.

I've spoken to Ashlee and Julee about my eating issues. I feel guilty because I never spoke to Julee about it while it was happening. But we are still great friends, so I feel comfortable talking to her about it. Ashlee is my girl, and she understands having issues with image and beauty, so I think that she gets me as far as this is concerned.

I feel ashamed of these things. I feel like I'm far too intelligent and aware to be victim to such silly things. However, I also feel like I can't affect my situation at this point. I'm a car with a full tank of gas in the middle of a faceless desert.

"Pray not for lighter burdens but for stronger backs."
-T. Roosevelt