Locate and Love

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Calico beginning and END

I'll spare you most of the details, because they are way more funny in person.

Night ended with her literally rubbing her boob saying that she just wants to get the left one pierced because the right one is bigger and gets all of the attention. She thinks that if the left one had a little "bling" it may get more noticed.

She also rubbed lip plumper on my lips...with her finger.

These things happened in the parking lot of the restaurant.

This experiment is over. Obv.

A Little Bit of Lemonade In Your Eye

I found recently that I was avoiding writing about Lemon. I'm avoiding it because it feels like a trap. It feels like I will think about it and realize that I'm choosing to make my entire life into some massive sisyphean task. I'm pushing this boulder up a hill, proving with every push that I'm worth her and definitely better than any other guy that she knows. However, once I get up to the top of this hill, I get drunk and ask her out in the least attractive way possible. What I'm saying is that I'm not sure yet whether I'm cool to just be her friend for the rest of my life. I have a feeling also that she tends to date guys who end up really fucking her over. I mean, that's based on nothing other than intuition, but if it's true, that means that I'd have to stand by and watch while that happens. That is hard. It's like watching Erin date totally obviously crappy guys. Gets old. Especially when i'm better. It makes me have to question myself, actually. I don't like having to question myself anymore. I thought that I was past that? I thought that I knew who I was, and what that was worth.

Why is friendship more valuable to some people than love? Why do so many girl-types prefer my company in that platonic way only? I suspect that I know the answer, but it makes me sad, so I prefer not to.

"And I saw Sisyphus at his endless task raising his prodigious stone with both his hands. With hands and feet he tried to roll it up to the top of the hill, but always, just before he could roll it over on to the other side, its weight would be too much for him, and the pitiless stone would come thundering down again on to the plain." - Homer

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Prophet - Gibrain

From Kahlil Gibrain’s “The Prophet”

And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Introducing....someone?

I had forgotten that Match will keep renewing your membership as long as you don't cancel. I'd recently signed up (and paid) so that I could get in touch with this girl, Emily, who I never wrote about, but did go on exactly one date with (lol, she wouldn't call me back). Anyways, so I still had this membership floating around, and a girl winks at me all of a sudden. To my tremendous surprise, she actually looked cute, so I emailed her back and we began a light correspondence. We quickly moved on to texting, and decided to meet up for coffee on Wednesday night, which was last night.

She lives in Glendale (which may actually be problematic, since it's kind of far), so I figured we'd meet somewhere in between. She had never been to or heard of Lux, so we decided to go there. Blah blah blah, a bunch of nothing happens, I go to work, whatever. So even though the news people were expecting rain last night, I figured I'd go through one of those drive through car wash things at the gas station, since my car looked like a bucket of dirt. So now, car is clean and gas is full. I had also stopped earlier by Safeway, because Safeway has a deceptively good flower section usually. More or less paid off, as I grabbed a red and red calico rose (I think they call them "Intuition" roses these days), which was brought to prominence in my life first with Leslie. I think it was her 17th birthday, perhaps? I don't remember. Anyways, rose, gas, clean car, good to go.

I didn't have much time after all of this, so I did not get to take a shower or do my hair. I just changed my shirt and threw on some deodorant, basically. Oh, and washed my face. I definitely still had my trashy beard and crappy hair, lol. I sent her a text warning of my impending terrible experimental beard, even. She said that she didn't mind, so I suppose all systems are go?

Anywho, she ended up having to follow me to Lux, because she could not find it, so I feel that the car wash paid off. She was a little bit overly impressed by the rose, frankly, which leads me to believe that she has had shitty relationships in the past (turns out I was right). Reconfirming this thought was her sincere gratitude for me paying and opening the door and doing other very obvious things that I still can't believe all guys don't do automatically.

She had a caramel iced coffee. I ordered a medium breve cappuccinos, but Sammy said he only makes small cappuccinos, so we did a latte instead. We sat outside, and apparently RIGHT below the crazy misting system. We talked for a long time at that first table before I realized that my hair was like dripping wet, and we moved to the next table over. We also spoke for a long time at that table. Topics of conversation included work, past relationships (hers, mostly...I didn't much feel that mine were important at this time), favorite colors, buying houses, and pets.

She's really very pretty. In the interest of disclosure, I'd be forced to admit that she would be the curviest girl that I'd ever been out with. This was not a surprise, as her Match body type is indeed, "Curvy" so it is not a point of contention or anything. So yeah, she's very pretty, and has like three or four piercings in each ear (she works at a Piercing Pagoda). Her style is hard to describe, but she looked cute anyways.

She agreed to go to dinner with me this Sunday (pending my schedule being clear...I may be in Flagstaff), so we'll just see how this goes.

Oh, I have yet to name her...let's go with Calico.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Recent Sexy Dream Participants UPDATE

Erin
Julee
Ashlee
and now introducing...Leslie!

Congratulations Leslie!

UPDATE:
I feel bad that I forgot to mention Terra, but Terra has definitely participated as well.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Just Asking For It

I'm now openly asking someone to direct me to either pursue or NOT pursue Ms. Julee once again. Give me what you got.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Oh, faulty subconscious memory

Did I just have a sexy dream about Julee?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Leslie will like this

http://viewat.org/?hd=1&i=en&id_aut=34&id_pn=4704&md=sf&sec=pn

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Do You Want To Come In?

Check me out. Erin said that she didn't really like me writing about her in here instead of just saying things to her face, but here I am, writing away.

Erin wasn't really responding to my texts. She wasn't exactly answering my phone calls. She most certainly was not calling me back. After about a week of this, I was convinced that there must be something up. Turns out I was right. She happened to also be sick that week, but that major player here was this very blog. She stumbled upon this thing most likely by following comments on Adam's Italy blog (not a big deal as I did originally gave her the address, but she told me she couldn't deal with the rules, and would therefore not read it). She most likely did what most people would do, and searched her name to see if I'd written about her, which of course I have. She found the old entry about herself, and focused in on a very specific portion of it.

I wrote about Paul, very briefly. Keep in mind that this was about a year and a half after he'd gone. My observation sounded cold,

"She has experienced shit, and her life is so empty, that it almost makes me angry. Paul died, and killed a large portion of her. The bags under her eyes are my monument to him, and they will seemingly never let me forget him or his impact on her. If I were to want her to love me, I am not sure that I'd ever be convinced that I had 100% of her. She belongs to him still, and I do not know how to help her let go; I'm not sure if she's ready to yet.
It was always understood (by her and I) that she and Paul would end up together after he cleaned up."

Now, to me, this doesn't sound as bad as I suppose it might to someone else. What I meant at the time was that Paul had become such a big part of her life, and with him gone, she didn't know how to refill that void yet. There is an interesting phenomenon to mention now. In some clinical studies, scientists looked at hibernating animals in order to understand the relationship between calories, fat, metabolism, exercise, and obesity. Basically, a hibernating animal is a very obese form of its normal self. The animal puts on a tremendous amount of weight in anticipation of a cold hard season that would yield an insubstantial amount of food to continue daily living. The weight is in the form of fat (brown fat, I believe), and it serves as an energy source for the animal, who then enters a state of something sleep-like wherein they can dramatically reduce their energy requirements. This reduction is generally attributed to the drastic lowering of core body temperature and the slowing down of all bodily functions. Blah blah blah, we all know how hibernation works, I guess. Anyways, scientists would take an animal who was in the midst of hibernation and then surgically remove a portion of their fat. Now, I'm not sure what I would have expected to happen, but what happened was certainly unexpected. The animal regenerated the lost fat to compensate. Considering that no additional food was going IN to the animal, it's baffling to try to figure out how they managed to regenerate fat to replace that which was removed. The point of this, though, is that when an important part of them was removed without their permission, they were able to replace it with something just as valuable that ultimately may save their life.

Erin is a hibernating ground squirrel, and Paul was forcibly removed by a curious surgeon. Her self has since regrown and recouped, in a way that ultimately saved her life. While once she was cold inside and her heart was beating very slowly, she is now gallivanting about the meadow with a thousand acorn-producing trees in each direction. The piece of her that was taken has not prevented this from happening.

To continue, Erin must have read the various parts of that post in which I extol her virtues and proclaim undying secret love for her. I wonder why I don't feel more embarrassed about this? I mean, she must have put the pieces together to understand that nothing has really changed, right? I think so, at least.

On Friday night, I had my bike and a jones for some trouble. I laced up and hopped on the light rail in to Phoenix. I rode in to downtown, where I got off and rode over to her (parents') house. I texted her, "Can you come outside for a minute?" and waited about for about ten. No answer, so I called her. She woke up and came outside to talk. We talked lightly for a minute or two to lighten up the mood or something? We hadn't spoken for like two weeks now, right? Then I just launched in to it and asked her what was going on. Laundry list. I hurt her with the stuff that I'd said. She didn't understand why I didn't just say it to her. She always comes to me with her problems, and maybe she should start to distance because she won't always be able to do that. A few others. Nothing that really surprised me, I guess. I apologized, because I think this was largely misunderstanding. She can't tell if I'm writing facetiously sometimes or not. Fair enough. I almost spilled guts when I started to tell her about how she had confused with me a few things, but it just didn't feel right yet.

Eventually, it became time to leave. I made motions to this effect, and she said that she would walk me to the light rail stop, which was right near her (parents') house. She was barefoot, but insisted that it wasn't a problem. We walked and talked and it was cute. Got to the light rail, bought a ticket, sat down. We continued to talk. Light rail arrives, but there appears to be approximately three crap loads of people on it, and no more bike hooks open, so I say that I'll just ride to the next stop and catch a less busy one. We start walking back to her house then, since I'm not going to get straight on a train. I don't remember when or how, but she offers to drive me home. I sort of felt like riding actually, but the night seemed unfinished, so I said okay. Drive home is light, but fun still. At the apartment too soon.

An interesting exchange occurred at the apartment. She had stopped the truck, but it was still running. We had a moderately awkward, "okay, well, I guess, goodbye then?" sort of moment happening, so I said, "Do you want to come in?" I was almost joking, but not really. Then, in a tremendous mindfuck, she thinks about it for a seconnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddddd that lasted what God considers to be eternity. She eventually declined, due to lack of privacy, sort of? I mean, I don't think she was even considering the extrapolated extreme ending that is implied by my question, but it's fun to live in fantasies, isn't it? It feels like being a goldfish. You live in a fish tank with a castle and a rock and a seaweed thing. When finally someone introduces another goldfish to your tank, it is the beginning of an epoch. A new era of existence that surpasses your three month memory. Something better than a new castle, or a piece of coral, or a diver guy with a treasure chest that floats bubbles to the top of your tiny world. You can't ignore it when God puts a new colored rock there, but after three months, you forget why the rock was interesting in the first place. You always have someone to swim in circles with, though.

As for love:
"If you have it, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have."
-Sir James M. Barrie