Leslie

I met Leslie when I was about 17 and playing drums in Fountain Hills. She was only 14 at the time, and the niece of our band director, Jackie. She looked far older than 14, and sort of hit me off guard. She was so beautiful that a spotlight from the heart of God literally glowed around her wherever she walked. She acted sort of bitchy and quiet, but it was only because she was sick, although she denies this now. I remember thinking that she was one of the most beautiful girls that I'd ever seen at that point in my life.

We worked together for a long while before I really started talking to her. I mostly just creeped her out and sat by myself for a year or so. Eventually we started talking before mass began, and found that we got along fairly well, although she can be pretty caustic, which sometimes hurts me, because i'm pretty sensitive.

From the beginning, she was dating this guy, Stevie. I always joked about how with other girls I didn't mind that they had boyfriends, because I was better than their collective boyfriends, and that I could win them away if I wanted. However, the kick was that with Stevie, I was bested. He was slightly cuter than me, taller, liked good music, AND was a better drummer. He also treated her well, so I had nothing to be optimistic about. That's fine though, I was just happy that she was with someone who treated her well.

In May 2006, she and Stevie had apparently been broken up for a little while, so I decided that I should at least tell her what was up. So I did. I told her everything, and held absolutely no detail out, not matter how pathetic or embarrassing it was. I told her how beautiful I REALLY thought she was, and I used the words that I wanted to use, or at least the words that I use in my head. She was appreciative, but she and Stevie had already reconnected and were now back together. I told her that it was alright, and that I was just glad that she knew, and that I wasn't going to be awkward about it, so she shouldn't either. The next week at mass, I brought her some flowers and thanked her again for not being all weirded out. Oddly, this whole episode brought us much closer together. I think that it was actually because I also analyzed her at her request. It is something that I am sometimes able to do. I called her out, and told her things about herself that she was unaware that I knew. Things that I was just able to deduce. I so completely nailed who she really was that it scared and excited her. I think that it convinced her that I would be a valuable ally, and so we became better friends.

By the time that I moved to East Campus (Fall 2006), we were very close, and she had no problem talking to me about everything in her life. At one point she called me at like midnight, and we talked for about four hours. This happened again a few days later. Then, it happened almost every night for two solid weeks. It was weird; it almost felt like cheating. I told her things that I wasn't comfortable telling Julee, for example. Then, all of a sudden, she said that we couldn't do that any more because she just didn't think it was fair to Stevie, or that she felt like she was wronging him. What this secretly says to me is that she started to have feelings for me, but felt loyalty to Stevie, and so called it off. Very upstanding.

All through this I WAS dating Julee. I'm not sure if I think it was wrong. I mean, I don't plan on telling her, because I know that it would indeed hurt her, and for that reason, I think that I probably should not have done it to begin with. In all honesty, there were a few points when I would have left Julee had Leslie only asked (right after the epiphany, and in the midst of the midnight phone calls). I think that I would have regretted doing it, but I would most likely have done it nonetheless.

Leslie and Stevie eventually broke up (I think the following Spring). She has since become an entirely different person (this was actually sort of formative in my thoughts regarding Julee's need for freedom). She sees the world differently, and is now actually exploring her possibilities. I like her less now, honestly, but every so often she makes me melt. She abuses our friendship and forgets easily, so I have had to create a certain amount of distance just to protect myself. She is now dating a guy named Joe who looks just like me only slightly smaller (though also less muscular), and slightly cuter. He also isn't as charming as I am. But i'm not bitter or anything.

Oh, she also managed to find the literal perfect man:
He was tall (like 6'2" I believe)
He was handsome (no fucking joke, like model hot)
He was a dancer (a number of styles, including break and spanish)
He was incredibly rich (self made millionaire at 21)
He was super nice and willing to go to great lengths on her behalf

For some reason, things with this guy just didn't work out. Anyways, that's about all now. She is gaining weight, which is unfortunate, because she gains it awkwardly. She gets fat arms first. Then she gets the rest in her legs (including ankles/calves). She still looks great, and her waist is still pretty tiny, but she just doesn't wear heels as well as she used to.

She is still a watermark when it comes to my evaluating girls physically, even though I feel like she has sort of abandoned me, or that I am more of an annoyance in her life than an actual friend. We'll see how this all turns out.

"Angel, you can come and see me here tonight
Angel, of course you're always more than welcome here
Still I'm needing somebody else… again"

Angel - Iggy Pop

Does this make sense?

Girls tend to tell me, as Ashlee recently did, that i'm some sort of otherwise perfect guy. This usually boils down to me being an above average listener, a compassionate confidant, a preternaturally feministic full-on male, and not completely ridiculously hideous. Apparently, my views on sex and intimacy are more female in nature, which most chicks squirm about. However, with all of this in mind, no girls seem to jump at the opportunity to snag me, and none seem to want to set me up with their friends. I have a feeling that it's really the whole "not completely ridiculously hideous" thing, which translates to "eh, he's got a good personality," which then really translates to "he's really not that good looking." All girls will then refute this assessment, but come on now, you can't hide your lying eyes. This is the confusion that is my constant romantic life. All girls tell me constantly how they wish they could find a guy like me, or that they wish their boyfriend was more like me, or that they wish I wasn't seeing anybody (obviously, this happened when Julee and I were still together). Three wishes, no genies; consider it granted. Then why do I sleep alone in this cold bed? Why, now that I'm available, no one comes running, even when I ring that fucking triangle bell? No one says, "You'd be perfect for my friend." All I hear NOW is how I'm not their friend's type, or they're not mine. This is fairly frustrating, of course. Some of my friends try to explain this by saying that their friend isn't good enough for ME. This is bullshit. I don't believe it for a second. I wish that they'd just be honest and be like "listen, if you lose some weight and maybe clear up a little, then I'll consider it, but for now you just aren't cutting it." I can deal with that. It might even convince me to commit to changing, which I still have a few issues with. Stop lying to me.

"I'm ok, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this
Prison cell

Some day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Find me somebody to love."

Somebody to Love - Queen

Zolee part one

So I just got off the phone with Zolee. I tried calling her twice this weekend, but got her voicemail both times, so I was just about to write her off when I saw "[Zolee]" light up on my phone's LED screen. We had a decent conversation about a wide range of first conversation topics: "Why the hell would you move TO arizona?" "You're from Florida? Oh, I hated Florida." "You've lived here for four months and haven't even been hiking, and it's because you don't know where to go? Oh, well I will not take this opportunity to ask you out for a hike. Instead, I'm just going to berate you." Those things and others. Anywho, her phone sucks. I think that it is still serviced from Florida, because it had a shit connection, and there was an obvious delay on the line, or she was dumb and had to take a second to comprehend my hilarity before she laughed. I mean, I speak QUICKLY, so I need a reliable phone connection. I don't know, I think that I can get over it.

Rebirth

So I just admired house and horse for about 7 miles. In other words, I just ran and walked a little more than 7 miles. It took me forever, and I walked at LEAST as much as I ran, but it was long overdo. Sometimes a bloodletting is necessary. I want to keep going, but my bones and skin are blowing away. I like Coldplay more when I run than at any other time. I saw some beautiful homes, and some beautiful animals, and I found a couple of little alleys and thoroughfares that may come in handy later. I was out there for an hour and 45 minutes, which is way slower than I'd like, but I wasn't all that worried about my time, frankly. I just needed to be on my feet and moving for more than 30 minutes (it's been a long while).

Second winds are funny things. After a certain point, my feet become so painful, and my legs become so tired that I just want to quit. However, when the second wind really kicks in, it is actually less painful to run than it is to walk. I like that idea. Again, pain is perception. Pain is unexpected, and sometimes welcome in the light of monotony. Walking may become boring and painful; running then becomes a release. A chance to sleep in a waking world. We should fight the impulses of society and realign ourselves with the earth's desires. Movement. Flow. Remove stagnation.

"rapid motion through space elates one"
James Joyce

Top Five Songs

***For the sake of symmetry, I've added six songs here, as there are six albums on my previous list.***

So to continue my top five listing, here is the list of the top five songs in my life. These songs are on the list for various reasons, including their immediacy to my circumstance, sincerity of lyrics, or just plain beautiful arrangement.

This list is in no particular order, and I got all the lyrics from www.sing365.com, so they might not be 100% accurate.

1) DO IT AGAIN - NADA SURF
This is the second song on the CD "The Weight is a Gift," which is on my Top Five Albums list. This song is a perfection of alternative rock, and seems to have been written FOR me. The sentiment of waiting and wanting is common in alternative rock, though I think it is most masterfully explained in this song. The feeling that one is spending one's life just existing, hoping for something great, but not really knowing how to achieve it is a feeling that I secretly hold. This song also contains the key lyric that is also the name of the album, "Maybe this weight was a gift." This line is intensely important to me, as it seems to apply to all aspects of my life. On a literal level, as I constantly battle my own weight, I have to wonder how much better I will be when I come to defeat it, or at least learn to love it. On a more wide reaching level, I wonder if the burden of my own martyrdom will in fact pay off later in some way that I cannot appreciate yet fully.

"well i'd snap to attention
if i thought that you knew the way
i'd open my mouth
if i had something smart to say

i bought a stack of books
i didn't read a thing
it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

the hum of the clock
is a far-away place
the azalea air holding your face
you're lying down
and the moon is sideways
(from the hot to the cold
it never gets old)

it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

i spend all my energy
staying upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

i want you lazy science
i want some peace
are you the future?
show me the keys

i spend all my energy
walking upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

when i accelerate
i remember why it's good to be alive
like a twenty-five cent game

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift"

2) GO OR GO AHEAD - RUFUS WAINWRIGHT
This song is number 6 on Rufus McGarrigle Wainwright's amazing album "Want One," which is on my top 5 albums list. This song made my list initially on its musical merits. It is an extremely powerful superballad with massive harmonies and intricate arrangements. The song speaks about love and abandonment and isolation. There is a feeling of wanting; screaming in the wilderness at uncaring trees. It is being in the middle of a crowd of wives and feeling completely alone and unloved. The song begins and ends with lyrics that are very important to me. It begins this way:

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love"

and ends this way:

"This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

The song sums up all of my fears about God and love, and makes me want to give up, which is a powerful thing to feel. I appreciate also though that the song does not deny love, just the definition that we all want to give it. The song calls to task the idea of love as a painful thing, and perhaps is speaking more about the hypocrisy of modern understandings of love.

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love
You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love
So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me
Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

3) PARANOID ANDROID - RADIOHEAD
One of the few songs in which I can find no fault. It is about alienation within modern culture, and isolation in an increasingly branded world. It may be getting clear that I relate well to ideas of isolation and alienation, and this song explains it on a societal level. Additionally, the music in the song is inspired evolutionary rock. It combines simplified cerebral rhythms with ambience and dynamism. It's quite simply brain music, for me. It puts my brain in a state of agitated excitement, but in a good way.

"Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking, screaming gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does...

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

That's it sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!"

4) TWO-HEADED BOY - NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
This is perhaps the most simple song on my list. The music is not technically impressive. The singing is not particularly impressive. The chord progressions are not particularly progressive or advanced. However, this song could not be more beautiful than it is, as it is. The lyrics are some of the most amazing that I've ever heard, even though I am still not sure how I take the song. It seems to me to be a statement about a delicate life. Something about separation and depression. In this song I hear freedom in art and music, but slavery in love and society. This song relates to my tendency to hide things away within myself - hide things that may be more of my true self than any of the other things that people see of me. I hear in this song that no one dies alone, or that God exists. I'm not sure if those are the same thing or not.

"Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it has passed
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

Two-headed boy
Put on Sunday shoes
And dance round the room to accordion keys
With the needle that sings in your heart
Catching signals that sound in the dark
Catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
With pulleys and weights
Creating a radio played just for two
In the parlor with a moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays
Silver speakers that sparkle all day
Made for his lover who's floating and choking with her hands across her face
And in the dark we will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
There is no reason to grieve
The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves
Left beneath Christmas trees in the snow
And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go"

5) BACHELORETTE - BJORK
This is off of Bjork's albm Homogenic. The song is intense with beat and arrangement, and is beautiful like all things that Bjork does. I relate to its vision of a person constantly giving love and being abused. The image of a tree growing hearts. This is a song about abuse and neglect, and offering oneself for the salvation of others. Or maybe it's about being taken advantage of, I'm not entirely sure, to be frank. The lyrics were not written by Bjork, but that doesn't matter to me. This section is important to me:

"I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near"

I have this odd thing happen to me every so often. I will be sitting or driving or otherwise alone and feel just that I would benefit from human connection. At this point I open my phone and start calling people. I usually call the same 6 or 7 people every time. For some reason, at these times when I so desperately just want to know that there is someone on the line, no one answers their phone. This happens at least once a week. No matter who I call, I get voicemail. It is maddening and depressive, and increases my feeling of alone-ness. This song seems to be about this feeling.

"I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl

Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream

Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street

I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near

Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break
Hum-yeah!
** Icelandic part **"


6) PICTURES OF SHORELINES - FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER
I don't have a whole lot to say about this song, I just really enjoy listening to it. The lyrics describe a love that I'd like to have, I guess, but really not more than other songs. The music isn't intensely amazing or anything, I just enjoy the song on a basic level.

"If you insist on pictures of shorelines
then i insist on pages of your lines meant for me,
to be sent to me.

Remember watching the storms from the lifeguard stand.
Remember feeling the tingling in my fingertips
when I touched your lips.

And I recall how you sat on the same side of me,
it always seemed that you'd always be on my side.
You're my best side.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and you have got the boldest eyes,
and I can't help but think it's right,
that inside you it's me I'll find.
And I'm still waiting.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and the storm off shore is not far behind.
And I'm still waiting.

And sometimes you don't say a thing for a long while.
And the ships off shore hold stories that we'd make.
And sometimes we are held at bay by these miles.
But less of you is more than I can take.

And the moments that we've shared could last a lifetime.
And the faith I have in us will keep you near.
And several of these miles placed in between us
mean several of these words being sent by mail.
I hope this letter finds you well."

Top Five Albums

***It occurred to me that I made a tremendous mistake when I first wrote this post, and so I am now correcting this and adding a sixth top CD that should have been listed in the top five. Further Seems Forever should actually be number 6 (in the original post, I had it as #4), and so I am moving it down but allowing it to stay in the post. Radiohead's OK Computer replaces FSF.***

These are the top five CDs in my life thusfar, or at least the five most important/influential to me.

These are in no order, by the way.

1) Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This CD is amazing. It is the type of CD that builds in importance and relevance as you listen to it more. The music and lyrics are more sincerely searching than those of nearly any other band, which is why this CD in on my list. Honesty is important, and this CD says nothing but total truth. This CD contains the song "Two-Headed Boy," which is also on my top five songs list.

2) Rufus Wainright - Want One
This CD is a work of mastery. Rufus is a unique voice in a crowd of screaming idiots, and he has complete control over his expression. The music is totally his, and could never be confused with someone else's. Again, he only says things that he intends to say. This CD contains the song "Go or Go Ahead," which is also on my top five songs list.

3) Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
A work of perfect alternative rock, with a taste for pop and harmony. The very title of the CD is an idea that I've long worked to believe, and think it is a beautiful statement. Basically every song on this CD has the potential for life change, and should be taken in that very serious way, even though it is just rock stuff. This CD contains the song "Do It Again," which is on my top five songs list, and seems to speak to me on a very personal level. I feel that this song is MY song, if ever there was one.

4) Ok Computer - Radiohead
Everything about this album is amazing and beautiful. The cover art is cryptic and aesthetically pleasing. The entire album speaks largely about floating homelessly through a cold world. It is about moving in a world too fast. I'm not sure if I am moving too fast, or if the world is, but one of us is moving at a different speed than the other, and it is the source of our problems. We are aliens searching for ships, hoping to find our home planets. It is sometimes better to die than to live the way that we do. Sometimes death is the only stop for our oddly propelled existence.

5) Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
This CD was really my first foray into anger, and is the earliest cd (in my life) on this list. It was really my first experience with the idea of strife, or of institutionally based anger. I began listening to this cd around fifth grade, after my brother bought it. Though I can't say that I necessarily agree or disagree with all of the lyrics, it was really the first music that I'd listened to that was to the point and hard. It was about this time also that I began to rebel in general and to start considering the impact of my life as well as that of others. I still think that this CD is a masterpiece of hard rock. None of the songs on this CD are on my top five songs list.

***6)Further Seems Forever - The Moon is Down
This band was my first introduction to Chris Carrabba, who went on after this album to become Dashboard Confessional, which I also love, though he didn't quite make it into my top five. This CD is beautiful from beginning to end; it is a perfect emo hard rock mixture. Though it is largely about love and other very traditionally emo topics, I have no problem believing Carrabba's sincerity. This CD contains the song "Pictures of Shorelines," which is also on my top five songs list.


I will post my Top Five Songs List some other time.

Adam

Adam is a curious story.

He had become engaged to his high school girlfriend Becky while he was still living in St. Louis, which is where he grew up and went to school, and also where he earned his music degree. The only major problem is that Adam was pretty sure that he was gay. So about halfway through the engagement, he broke down and drove to Becky's parents house and fell apart and said that he couldn't get married (though he didn't say why). Becky came over, or they called her or something, and the engagement was officially called off. Adam felt like his whole life was crashing down, so he wanted to get out of St. Louis. This is when he moved to Phoenix.

He came here and lived with a friend of his from St. Louis who had relocated to Phoenix previously. This friend was also gay (which Adam was now starting to identify himself as, though he still hadn't said it to anyone who lived in St. Louis). He played a few piano and jazz and gay bars for money, but didn't really settle into a job per se. After a few months, he followed an ad for a church looking for a new music director; he interviewed and was almost immediately offered the job, even though I think he was only 23 at the time, and looked about all of 16.

The band that I already played in at another church had been asked to come to this church to help with the contemporary mass. I met Adam and sort of realized that he didn't have any friends (he had to move out of his place with his friend, because the church was on the other side of the valley), so I asked him if he would like to hang out and go to lunch. We did, and we became friends sort of easily. I remember confusing him when I said that "I'd be gay for Rufus Wainwright."

Adam originally had issues with the church at which he accepted the job, because he was now referring to himself as gay, and he was worried that they might not be okay with that. I suppose that his concern was warranted, as the church had a touch of the conservative streak going for it. In the end though, he came out to his immediate bosses (a handful of deacons and a couple of priests), and they all told him it was no big deal, as long as he didn't act on it (or at least as long as they were unaware of him acting on it). So, it was all worked out in that way.

We had begun hanging out quite a bit, even though I still lived in Phoenix. I'd drive to his apartment to hang out. We'd press some coffee and watch a movie or go over some of his songs. Nothing romantic of course, as I wasn't really attracted to him at all, but we hung out a fair amount of time.

I eventually moved out to his part of town to go to a different campus, and we started hanging out even more, of course, as none of my other friends really wanted to drive all the way out here. I remember one time Adam drunkenly came on to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, it's actually kind of funny. We had gone to Karaoke with the band leader from the band group that I came over to the church with (and her husband). Adam had a number of amaretto sours, a martini or something, and a scooby snack, and so was fairly drunk. I drove us back to his house, where I figured I'd just spend the night and then have him drive me back to my truck. He for some reason slept on the couch, instead of his bed, so I slept in his piano room on a recliner. At one point during the night, I got up to use his bathroom, and as I was walking in its general direction, Adam says "I'm still awake, ya know." So I said "Um, okay." He said, "I just thought you might like to know" or something to that effect. So I basically ignored him. In hindsight, and knowing Adam better now, it is sort of clear that that was his advance. I never told him that he said it though, because he was too drunk to remember saying it at all.

Adam went on a few dates with girls, just to see, and a few dates with guys, just to hope. The girls never panned out, and most of the guys seemed sort of creepy. Finally though, he went out with his old roommate (the one he originally lived with when he moved here), and they ended up having sex. He described giving oral as making him "feel like a pornstar," which was obviously hilarious.

As far as I know, they never hooked up again.

Adam is now with Kristin. She came on to the church as the new youth minister, or the person in charge of the youth groups and other such things. He had begun speaking to her before she even arrived in town (Facebook is a fabulous thing). She was moving back here after leaving to go to school on the East Coast. I cautioned him against getting involved with her romantically (oh yeah, by the way, Adam had sort of arrived on the idea that he was more bi than gay, but more gay than straight), because he was going to have to work very closely with her, and if the relationship didn't work, it would be very bad. Ignoring my advice, as so many foolish people often do, he started hanging out with her constantly when she first arrived, and they sort of started dating. Within about 3 or 4 weeks they were in a full blown relationship situation, and within 6 weeks, he was sleeping at her house more than ours (oh yeah, we had moved in to a house with Louis). I continually cautioned him against where he was heading with her, because I had sort of figured out who she was by this point, and didn't think that they would work well.

They don't. She is rude and largely humorless. She hugs like an old tire. She is critical, and probably dismisses his homosexual tendencies. She thinks that she is smarter than me, which is impossible. She is one of the few women that I've ever met that I have absolutely no attraction to in any way. Sexual, emotional, intellectual, whatever, absolutely no attraction to this girl.

Whenever just he and I hang out now (which is almost never, especially since he now essentially lives with her) he spends the time complaining about her, and saying basically how much he wishes he wasn't with her. THEN, he'll tell me that he's moving his piano into her house or something. He doesn't make any sense.

Adam believes that he will die in November (the month that we are currently in). He believes this because someone (a priest who has since left the priesthood) told him that he will die in November of this year. Adam then corroborated this prediction by using some Angel Rods (his were made out of coathangers, of all things), which did indeed say he would die in November, although I've already explained to him how faulty these methods of prediction are. I've explained to him also that I believe if ANYTHING, he will experience a kind of death other than a physical one. I would see it more likely that he experience a social death, or an emotional death, or the death of someone he is symbiotically linked to, or in a relationship with.

Anyways, if Adam dies this month, I'll probably blame it on self-fulfilling prophecy (he really secretly believes it to be true), rather than the predictive abilities of someone as flaky as Basil.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen

Martyrdom

There are lots in life. Things that we are either destined to be or do, or maybe just things that we BELIEVE we are destined to be or do. Some people think that this equates to having karma to pay, that they are paying off a very bad action from a past life. Anyways, this is not true. This is not what karma is, and this isn't how it works, but that would be a journal in and of itself, so I'll let it go for now. The point though is that we seem to be given certain gifts and lack certain others that sort of shape or niche in the world. For me, I call this my martyrdom. It appears to me that I may live my life as a martyr. That I will constantly be laying myself down so that others may not be rolled over. I donate a good portion of my own energy to help others, sometimes to the exclusion of myself, or the detriment of myself.

This idea sometimes presents itself in a very literal way. If there is a girl that I am really in love with, who likes me, but loves some other guy, I will do all that I can to help her get him. This seems sort of floot mat. This seems pushover. It is not. If I truly believe that the other guy will be better for than me, I will help her achieve that, even if it means my continuing loneliness and lovelessness. If I must enter a state of true suffering for someone else to leave that state, then I will do it. I do not necessarily WANT to, but I feel that I have to. For why else would I be here? My gifts seem to point me in the direction of helping. Do not think that I'm saying we are built perfectly for some thing. No one is. We are all given pain to deal with. I seem to be unable to deal with some of my own problems, even though I can "solve" the same exact situations for other people in my life. I'm not sure what this means. I'm overly fragile when it comes to myself, but I'm indestructible when it comes to others. I am here to be used. I love that about myself. I love that about myself. I love that about myself.

"A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘Can you tell me where I will go if I get martyred?' The Prophet replied, ‘To Paradise.' The man fought till he was martyred."
Bukhari: V5B59N377

Karma and such

I like the idea of karma, because it makes sense to me. It is comforting. It is the existence of God paraphrased but somehow made more clear. It is a rewards system (not one based on punishment, as some tend to believe), and it is the ether that links all of the universe of existence. Karma is in a constant struggle for equilibrium, always seeking to equalize forces, and eliminate pulls in either direction. Such is chi, and such is the concept of yin and yang.

Yin and Yang are not representative of opposite forces, but rather the representation of the lack of the existence of opposites. It is that all things exist simultaneously within their opposite concept. Love cannot exist without hate, because it would be nothing. Cold and hot are relative ideas that are defined alternately by the excess of one, or the lack of the other, but really, all things are both, only to certain degrees in either direction. The key to love within the universe is balancing oneself with the desires of the karma of creation.

To be in balance is essentially to experience life as a human, with good and bad things affecting us sometimes greatly. It is not the quest for baseline or normalization. We all wronlgy seek out numb floating. Pain is the essence of life. Wanting is painful, and salvation can only be realized when we stop wanting and let pain exist. It is our concept of pain that helps us get through life in this way. What IS pain? What I consider painful may be wonderful and loving. How do we receive pain? We are told that pain should be avoided and that we should hate pain; but what worthwhile experience is NOT accompanied or preceded by some degree of painfulness? All things that should happen, happen with pain. Love is a path of generosity; an access to something that will make us better. In this way, pain is love, and should be received as such. When things in life are hurtful and cause us to yearn for numbness and desensitization, we should instead look to see in what way we will be made better by the pain. We should not run from it, but to it. Live for pain.

"Pain solves everything."
BME slogan

Fear and Self Loathing

HISTORY:
I've been overweight my whole life. Not necessarily "fat" (I know this in hindsight only), as I apparently have always carried the weight well and come off as muscular, but overweight and certainly over fat nonetheless. I was 185 (at 5'8") as a freshman in high school, and I had not really ever worked out or anything previously, so it was a loose 185 (size 36 pants). I played football those two years and got up to about 190 or 195 (still size 36) during the sophomore season. I didn't play junior year and stuck around 195 (size 38) or so. I'd lost a lot of muscle because I did not replace the exercise I lost from football. On the first day of senior year (2002), I began a hardcore low carb diet and lost weight like crazy. I dropped 18 pounds in two weeks and eventually landed at around 165 in October or so. I joined the wrestling team and was asked to get down to 152. I did, no problem. I never once had a problem making weight. I came in at 151.5 (size 30) for the entire season (except State Finals, for which I was 153). I did well. I was one of the best wrestlers on the team, though I did poorly at State (8th). After the season, I finished out the semester at around 160 (size 32) or so.

After graduation, I stayed around 160. In August (2003), I joined a gym and made it to 161.5 and 11% body fat, which was my all time best at that point. I continued to bodybuild and powerlift (powerbuilding, essentially, with a bias towards bodybuilding). By the next spring (2004), I was about 170 (size 33), and rather muscular. I spent that Summer literally eating everything possible, and got up to 215 by the next Fall, though I was still more thick and muscular than anything else. In January 2005, I began to diet back down again, and in the Spring of that year I was about 180 and muscular. I spent the summer working at a bike shop, working out, and rock climbing a few times a week. I was about 185 (size 36, sort of loose though) and very muscular (for me) in August, when I fell from a bouldering wall and broke my ankle. I had surgery to repair it and was laid up for a few weeks. I had to withdraw from school, and I spent that semester gaining 40 pounds of fat (225lbs). I had trouble getting back in to the gym, even after I was given the all clear to begin heavy loading again. I hit an all time high of 230 (size 40, tight) that Summer. It was not a solid 230.

I went back to college that August 2006, and began to eat a vegetarian diet. I moved on to campus to accommodate my intense pre med schedule. I had trouble still keeping to a program (diet or physical). I stayed at about 225-228 that semester (size 40). I attended the pre-race convention for the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Marathon 2007 with Julee (who was running it), and was inspired by the energy. I enrolled in a Spring Half Marathon (Whiskey Row in Prescott), and a Summer Full (San Diego Rock N Roll). I had trouble really sticking to a running program because my schedule was even more intense than the semester before it. Spring rolled around and I had to downgrade to the 10k Whiskey Row, and I dropped entirely out of the San Diego race. Disappointing, but I still enjoyed the experience in Whiskey Row, which I ran with my brother.

At that point, I was between 223-225 (size 40). I spent the Summer working and occassionally running and working out. I started the Fall semester at 226. I've spent this semester battling various issues with food, though I've managed to work out and run and hike enough to find myself at 213.5 (size 36) and losing. I am enrolled in the PF Chang's Rock n Roll Half Marathon in January. I was recently measured to be 23.2% body fat at 214.5 lbs.

ETIOLOGY and EFFECTS:
My mother used to tell me to eat less, and would ask me "You don't want to be obese, do you?" However, I was 10 when she asked this. I had no idea what obese really was. I also didn't see the connection between eating and obesity clearly. I found myself feeling ashamed when she said these sorts of things to me, and I responded by eating even more. I spent a lot of time eating or finding ways to eat. I ate crazy things (american cheese and butter on a tortilla with ranch dressing). It got quite out of hand. I found that I was able to eat enormous quantities of food in single sittings, and this "talent" was encouraged by family when we went out to eat.

In high school, my closest ring of male friends referred to me by the nickname "Fat." It was sort of intense to be called just that singular word so often, as a noun. As if it were THE thing that I WAS. I couldn't help but be affected negatively by this, even though I think that I was a fairly strongly willed person.

When I lost so much weight in Senior Year, I was flattered by the apparent circling concern among faculty that I was anorexic. People remarked to me, "You look so good now" and "Your face is built so much differently than I'd expected!" The word "now" from that first statement stands out to me. I take that to mean "You look good NOW, you didn't THEN." I was also able to finally convince Julee to date me, after months and months of trying (I started courting her in February 2002, and she didnt' go out with me until December in the Senior year (2002). EVERYTHING in my life seemed to get better.

I enjoyed bodybuilding very much, and I loved the way that my body looked, although I still felt like I had fat to lose. I was never satisfied, even when my friends told me how lean I was, or how excellent I looked. One girl (Korey, Danette's best friend at the time) even commented once while walking behind me, "Nathan, holy shit, you're so tiny! Your waist is smaller than mine!" But I couldn't hear these things.

When I gained the 40 pounds in the Summer of 2004, it was by eating anything and everything and working out very intensely 4 or 5 times a week. I was at my most muscular, though also maybe my fattest. I was not bothered by this though, as I felt like I was laying the muscular groundwork, and that I could diet the fat off later.

I broke my ankle at the end of the Summer of 2005, when I was probably at my all time most FIT. I was lifting the heaviest weights of my life, cycling to work (15.5 miles one way), rockclimbing, and doing other active things, too. So breaking my ankle was like falling off of a mountain. I had reached this awesome pinnacle of fitness, only to fall (literally) into a depressive inactive state.

I gained weight and gained weight.

Summer of 2006 hit me with 230 pounds and a tight size 40 pants. I was actually probably more like a 42, but I absolutely refused to buy a pair of 42 waist pants. This was the fattest AND least fit point in my life. I was mired in depression, and felt helpless. I struggled with eating issues. In the Fall of 2006, I found that I had to force myself to NOT purge, and that I was exhibiting symptoms of anorexia. I battled with it alone for that entire semester, not really telling anyone who could help me (I told Leslie, but she was limited in her capacity to help.

I've learned about anorexia athletica and hypergymnasia, which are basically when a person uses to exercise to overcompensate for food intake. Generally this is considered when someone figures "Ok, I ate 1000 calories today, so I need to do at least 1000 calories worth of exercise to make sure that I don't gain any weight." I didn't know it at the time, but I see now that back in Spring 2004 I did exactly that. I would say "I want to go out to eat with Julee tonight, and I think that I'm going to eat 750 calories, so I'm going to do 1000 calories worth of cardio before I go to compensate."

I still have issues with disordered eating. Lately, I've been refuting my body's desire to begin anorexic behaviors. Anorexia is either the absence or denial of appetite. I have had to force myself to eat a few times this past semester, and I'm finding that I'm losing weight for no apparent reason. I'm not really dieting, and I've not done very well to stick to an exercise program (even in light of the impending half marathon). However, this semester I have dropped from about 225 to my current 213.5. The past weekend (Thursday through Sunday), I ate poorly and excessively every day. I stepped on the scale on Tuesday just to see what sort of effect that had on me, only to find that I'd lost another half of a pound. I'm excited, but also worried. I'd like to be below 200 when I run the half, if that is possible, but I've decided to not focus on outcome oriented goals. Rather, I'm trying to set lifestyle or behavior goals, in the belief that the outcomes will follow.

I've spoken to Ashlee and Julee about my eating issues. I feel guilty because I never spoke to Julee about it while it was happening. But we are still great friends, so I feel comfortable talking to her about it. Ashlee is my girl, and she understands having issues with image and beauty, so I think that she gets me as far as this is concerned.

I feel ashamed of these things. I feel like I'm far too intelligent and aware to be victim to such silly things. However, I also feel like I can't affect my situation at this point. I'm a car with a full tank of gas in the middle of a faceless desert.

"Pray not for lighter burdens but for stronger backs."
-T. Roosevelt