Leslie

I met Leslie when I was about 17 and playing drums in Fountain Hills. She was only 14 at the time, and the niece of our band director, Jackie. She looked far older than 14, and sort of hit me off guard. She was so beautiful that a spotlight from the heart of God literally glowed around her wherever she walked. She acted sort of bitchy and quiet, but it was only because she was sick, although she denies this now. I remember thinking that she was one of the most beautiful girls that I'd ever seen at that point in my life.

We worked together for a long while before I really started talking to her. I mostly just creeped her out and sat by myself for a year or so. Eventually we started talking before mass began, and found that we got along fairly well, although she can be pretty caustic, which sometimes hurts me, because i'm pretty sensitive.

From the beginning, she was dating this guy, Stevie. I always joked about how with other girls I didn't mind that they had boyfriends, because I was better than their collective boyfriends, and that I could win them away if I wanted. However, the kick was that with Stevie, I was bested. He was slightly cuter than me, taller, liked good music, AND was a better drummer. He also treated her well, so I had nothing to be optimistic about. That's fine though, I was just happy that she was with someone who treated her well.

In May 2006, she and Stevie had apparently been broken up for a little while, so I decided that I should at least tell her what was up. So I did. I told her everything, and held absolutely no detail out, not matter how pathetic or embarrassing it was. I told her how beautiful I REALLY thought she was, and I used the words that I wanted to use, or at least the words that I use in my head. She was appreciative, but she and Stevie had already reconnected and were now back together. I told her that it was alright, and that I was just glad that she knew, and that I wasn't going to be awkward about it, so she shouldn't either. The next week at mass, I brought her some flowers and thanked her again for not being all weirded out. Oddly, this whole episode brought us much closer together. I think that it was actually because I also analyzed her at her request. It is something that I am sometimes able to do. I called her out, and told her things about herself that she was unaware that I knew. Things that I was just able to deduce. I so completely nailed who she really was that it scared and excited her. I think that it convinced her that I would be a valuable ally, and so we became better friends.

By the time that I moved to East Campus (Fall 2006), we were very close, and she had no problem talking to me about everything in her life. At one point she called me at like midnight, and we talked for about four hours. This happened again a few days later. Then, it happened almost every night for two solid weeks. It was weird; it almost felt like cheating. I told her things that I wasn't comfortable telling Julee, for example. Then, all of a sudden, she said that we couldn't do that any more because she just didn't think it was fair to Stevie, or that she felt like she was wronging him. What this secretly says to me is that she started to have feelings for me, but felt loyalty to Stevie, and so called it off. Very upstanding.

All through this I WAS dating Julee. I'm not sure if I think it was wrong. I mean, I don't plan on telling her, because I know that it would indeed hurt her, and for that reason, I think that I probably should not have done it to begin with. In all honesty, there were a few points when I would have left Julee had Leslie only asked (right after the epiphany, and in the midst of the midnight phone calls). I think that I would have regretted doing it, but I would most likely have done it nonetheless.

Leslie and Stevie eventually broke up (I think the following Spring). She has since become an entirely different person (this was actually sort of formative in my thoughts regarding Julee's need for freedom). She sees the world differently, and is now actually exploring her possibilities. I like her less now, honestly, but every so often she makes me melt. She abuses our friendship and forgets easily, so I have had to create a certain amount of distance just to protect myself. She is now dating a guy named Joe who looks just like me only slightly smaller (though also less muscular), and slightly cuter. He also isn't as charming as I am. But i'm not bitter or anything.

Oh, she also managed to find the literal perfect man:
He was tall (like 6'2" I believe)
He was handsome (no fucking joke, like model hot)
He was a dancer (a number of styles, including break and spanish)
He was incredibly rich (self made millionaire at 21)
He was super nice and willing to go to great lengths on her behalf

For some reason, things with this guy just didn't work out. Anyways, that's about all now. She is gaining weight, which is unfortunate, because she gains it awkwardly. She gets fat arms first. Then she gets the rest in her legs (including ankles/calves). She still looks great, and her waist is still pretty tiny, but she just doesn't wear heels as well as she used to.

She is still a watermark when it comes to my evaluating girls physically, even though I feel like she has sort of abandoned me, or that I am more of an annoyance in her life than an actual friend. We'll see how this all turns out.

"Angel, you can come and see me here tonight
Angel, of course you're always more than welcome here
Still I'm needing somebody else… again"

Angel - Iggy Pop

Does this make sense?

Girls tend to tell me, as Ashlee recently did, that i'm some sort of otherwise perfect guy. This usually boils down to me being an above average listener, a compassionate confidant, a preternaturally feministic full-on male, and not completely ridiculously hideous. Apparently, my views on sex and intimacy are more female in nature, which most chicks squirm about. However, with all of this in mind, no girls seem to jump at the opportunity to snag me, and none seem to want to set me up with their friends. I have a feeling that it's really the whole "not completely ridiculously hideous" thing, which translates to "eh, he's got a good personality," which then really translates to "he's really not that good looking." All girls will then refute this assessment, but come on now, you can't hide your lying eyes. This is the confusion that is my constant romantic life. All girls tell me constantly how they wish they could find a guy like me, or that they wish their boyfriend was more like me, or that they wish I wasn't seeing anybody (obviously, this happened when Julee and I were still together). Three wishes, no genies; consider it granted. Then why do I sleep alone in this cold bed? Why, now that I'm available, no one comes running, even when I ring that fucking triangle bell? No one says, "You'd be perfect for my friend." All I hear NOW is how I'm not their friend's type, or they're not mine. This is fairly frustrating, of course. Some of my friends try to explain this by saying that their friend isn't good enough for ME. This is bullshit. I don't believe it for a second. I wish that they'd just be honest and be like "listen, if you lose some weight and maybe clear up a little, then I'll consider it, but for now you just aren't cutting it." I can deal with that. It might even convince me to commit to changing, which I still have a few issues with. Stop lying to me.

"I'm ok, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this
Prison cell

Some day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Find me somebody to love."

Somebody to Love - Queen