I'm cleaning out my garage

Parents bought me some plastic shelving, which is perfect. They are lightweight but heavy duty enough to hold hundreds upon hundreds of cd cases and old shirts and novelty underwear and whatever else is floating around my garage. It was important that they be lightweight so that they aren't a super bitch to move when our lease is up (my old shelving was super heavy chromed metal and it was awful to move).

I'm cleaning this garage up. It was already pretty bad, then Louis "cleaned" the house and basically just threw everything from the living room and main house randomly into the garage. So it was almost unbearably messy. Shit everywhere. I walked in and literally said, "Oh, my God. Shit everywhere. There's shit everywhere! Damnit! There's shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There's shit everywhere!" Or something like that. I don't remember EXACTLY what I said. Whatever.

Anyways, so I'm cleaning that shit and finding crazy old stuff. Like pictures of me from back in the day. And of old friends. And other things. Old clothes. Magazines. Books. CDs. I miss some of my friends that I don't get to see much. I realize that there is a chance that I'll leave for Peace Corps while Leslie is off exploring the world in the way that she has chosen to do so. I found a picture of her from her prom when she wore a blue dress with black bow detail stuff and was very tan and Stevie sort of ruined the picture, but he didn't look all that bad honestly. I found pictures from Cancun of myself with my shirt off. I found pictures from Italy of me and Elizabeth and my hair looks like Anthony Kiedis' hair did a few years ago, although the picture predates that stage of his career. Prom pics with Julee and Co. Fun times. We looked good. That one picture that haunts me of me flexing in front of my dad's car after it was painted. To be back there. I hate not being able to stop looking backwards. Saying more than once that things will change is worse than never knowing that they need to in the first place.

ashley, trust me, watch this NOW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhHbrESPTOc&NR=1

Feeling kind of shitty

I'm organizing my co-workers I've decided. I just want some sort of severance plan or at least a two week notice built in to our contracts so that people aren't left stranded.

I want to get out of this place. Fucking Leslie. Fuck that guy, too. I can't remember his name.

None of my friends like RR. Or at least, none of my friends who have an opinion that I listen to like her. But fuck that, too, because she's fun to hang out with, even if she IS sort of ditzy and dumb and stuff. Maybe they don't believe me when I tell them that I hate sleeping alone or even being in my bed by myself (RR doesn't spend the night, so that still exists). My bed is cold.

It'd be nice if ANYthing were what it ought to be.

Oops

Have you ever meant to text something to Person 2 regarding Person 1 that may have been sort of embarrassing or totally out of line, but you accidentally texted it to Person 1? Yeah, my bad.

W T F and O M G

Let's start with OMG for Leslie:

From the Betty Beauty Bridal Division: http://www.bettybeauty.com/bridal.php
I think that blue is a beautiful color on you.

And now for the WTF:

This morning I woke up with a text from Roadrunner that said
"I was wondering whose number this is would you please text me back?"
So I texted and said
"This is Nathan, did I text you by accident?"
And she responds with
"oh good no you didnt. I needed to tell you something. I miss you and i have not been able to stop thinking about you since we broke up"

Blah blah blah, long story short, we're going out the weekend after this coming one. I'm not really planning anything either way. I'm just sort of curious to see what happens. Updates to come.

More and more

Some of my friends have postulated that I have an odd ability to befriend people who will need me in a significant way at some point. Some of my friends consider this a weakness. Some of my friend consider this a strength. Some of my friends probably don't think this is true anyways. I think that I do tend to meet people who are in hard places in life. Or maybe everyone has those hard places, and I just tend to be around when they go down. Whatever. The point is that I seem to always be called on during major crises. I've mentioned before that I love this about my life. It is kind of like being good at a really important job. I don't know, like being a food safety investigator who has never let an outbreak of E. Coli slip by on his watch or something. I mean, the other thing here is that people define crisis in different ways. For some, the crisis is simply whether or not to take a chance on loving someone unexpected. For others, it is whether they are going to be able to survive living with their parents any longer. For others still it is whether they will have a home and their daughter when they leave. I helped Terra move out of her mesa house and away from her raging husband. I packed up her uhaul. I drove to tucson to help unload it. I even slept there and tried to help console her. I tried to convince Heather that it was going to work out (it did). Et cetera et cetera. Et Set Terra. I wonder if it is that people who need me find me, or that people that I need find me. Or maybe that I'm just more aware of people who need help. I don't know. I think that it really comes down to whether I'm here for everyone else, or if they're here for me.

The New List

I'm operating under the premise that Bunna girl is going to more or less continue blowing me off, so here are the two new contenders:

Ironwoman (remember her?). She is a pro triathlete who works at the running store wherein I spend lots of money to flirt with her. She could conceivably be a lesbian, but I'm thinking she isn't. She also may have responded to my preliminary flirtations so I'm going to check back in on her after her next race or two when she has fewer time commitments.

Neighbor. She lives across the street and a house over. She lives with Elizabeth who dated Tree and who also lost my ipod. I've seen Neighbor in Cartel and always found her to be a cutie pie. Anywaaaaaaaaays Louis, Adam and I went to Rosita's for dinner (thanks for dinner, Adam) and she was the hostess girl, so I talked to her a little bit. She invited me to their party next Saturday. We'll see. She may be a druggie, but that's only based on her being friends with a modern want to be hippy. That's all.

Just a sec

Bunna girl texted me today and said that she wanted to go out later this week and sorry about her last week being crazy and shit.

Spammers are getting pretty literate

Attached to this masterpiece was a jpg in russian or something. Clearly legit.

Hello my new friend!!!
How are you? I hope that at you all Ok.
My name is Ekaterina. To me of 29 years. I was born on October, 12th 1979.
I have found your profile and email address on a site of acquaintances.
I wish to find the favourite person. For me not important what religion and what race there will be a person,
the main thing that in this person such qualities as have been put in pawn:
honesty, trust, sincerity, responsibility, romanticism. I wish to tell to you a little about myself.
I work as the agent under the real estate.
I wish to find the person whom I will love me and which as I will be ready to love and care.
That I could rely on it during the difficult moment.
That it could support me a difficult minute which I as will support.
Really remarkable moment as writes this letter to you, and I pray
That I should hear the good answer and the answer of sweat from you.
You can be in long distance from me, but I believe, that the love can make all.
I believe, that the love can move mountain, and the love can turn a life of people to
Remarkable life and sweet one. Well, I wish, that you have written to me in
E-mail also allows conversation and to learn more about each other.
My new friend I ask, that you have written to me on e-mail: ekaterinavolk@yahoo.com
Because the Internet here is very bad, but on e-mail I can check up mine Mail easily.
I will be great to read the good letter from you.
Hoping in the God of love and in the power of love I hope to receive news from you.
Thanks for reading of my letter.
Ekaterina.

Los Updatos

Okay, real quick:

Told SL what was up, she says that we cannot hang out anymore.
RR texted me today to wish me luck on my first day (at the new job...tomorrow).

Just wanted to make sure I understod.

Siiiiiiigh

I'm getting a little tired of this.

SL has written me yet another long ass myspace message telling me where she stands. As if I didn't already know from the previous four. I'm gonna put a nail in this shit.

कॉफी रेफिल्ल्स

Okay, so do you remember my telling you about the cutest girl ever who worked at Bunna? Well, I'm renaming her (she used to be tagged on here as Coffee, but I recently misused that tag to reference the actual drink, so the change is necessary). I'm going to call her Buster, in reference to Buster from Arrested Development who studied Cartography. This makes sense because she is taking a cartography class right now. Amazing. She is a geography major. In love.

Okay, sooooo, I hadn't seen her in a long time (more or less since I had moved to Tempe from Gilbert, as she had suggested I might like this new coffee shop called Cartel Coffee Lab). What I mean is that I used to go to Bunna, then I stopped because I found that Cartel is amazing. I would still every so often go to Bunna just to flirt with Buster, but she was never there.

About a month ago maybe I was at Cartel and she walked in. Heart stops. She's STILL the cutest girl ever, in case you were wondering. She actually recognized and remembered me, which was fun for me. We spoke for a second and my flaming desire to be engulfed in her fiery embrace was once again doused with the most flammable of combusting liquids. I mean to say that my crush was uncrumpled and recrushed. I liked her again, in other words. However, at that time, things with Roadrunner were just starting to get interesting, so I wrote it off to chance for a second.

She came in again a week or two later and the same thing happened and I decided that if things with Roadrunner didn't work out, she'd be my next big interest.

Fast forward to yesterday.

My car broke down on the way to Sedona/Flagstaff. I had to come back. I didn't tell anyone this, but I felt like there was something that I needed to be here for and that's why maybe my car didn't let me get to Oak Creek. I mean, camping would have been fun, but I would have missed something while I was gone.

Fast forward to today.

I'm sitting in Cartel drawing in my sketchbook. I've been there for a few hours at this point, having no where else to be and not a car to get there in. I look up when the door opens and a vaguely familiar silhouette moves into the room. As she moves closer, the lights wrap around her and reveal her face, complete with new haircut. She walks over and says hi. I compliment her new style. She smiles and asks if she can see what I'm drawing. I hand her the stack of my already finished drawings, since those were better than the one I was working on. I admit that "these are less embarrassing." We talk, and then someone opens the door so I suggest that she get in line, lest she be waiting there forever. I say that I'll stand with her, and she agrees. She orders. She gets her drink. We talk about where she lives. She says that she lives on Mitchell. I mention that that is the same street that Mucho Gusto is on. She says that she has never been there. I say that it is tasty, but expensive. I relay story of Adam almost ordering a $15 bean and no cheese burrito. We laugh. She says that her friends all tell her that she'd like it, but she has just never gone. I say, "Would you like to go with me?" or something like that. She says sure. I pat my pockets adorably and say, "...the one time in my life that I don't have a pen on me...let me get your number." I offer one of my colored markers and the first page of my sketchbook. She doesn't want to draw on one of my drawings. I tell her it's okay, the page is just a protective page for the next page which has an actual drawing on it. She says okay and writes her cutest number in the world. She has a foreign area code. We talk about where she's from. She goes to class.

WEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD

So RR and I broke up. I will now commence dating many random Cartel girls. Discuss.

What a world or something

Things with RR were oddly casual. There was no reciprocity. She was down on me all the time, but was reticent to receive. Then there was the offer of sex. Too far too fast.

Secret Lover and Savra broke up and Savra moved out. That night, SL came over for dinner and movies. Royal Tenenbaums. When Harry Met Sally. She slept here. I may have had the chance to kiss her. In fact, I have no doubt. But I felt guilty. On the one hand, I was with RR, even though that was rocky and weird. On the other, even if SL and I are to be together, it can't be for a long long time. Like months. Many months. So I didn't want to confuse things this early. I don't want her to feel tied down, because I don't want to be tied down myself.

The next night things with RR got better. It was unexpected. We conciled (the re seems unnecessary). I felt much more connected to her all of a sudden. I am with her.

Now things with SL are weird. Hmm. Game night.

Weirdest. End. Of. Night. Ever.

After the 2ND blowie, she says, "Do you have any condoms?"

Of course, at this point I laugh and say, "We're not having sex"

What the fuck? I feel a certain pang of regret and guilt immediately after saying this.

Me: "You just blew me TWICE, I'm not having any sex"
RR: "You don't think you could get it up for just a minute?"
Me: *stunned silence* "Is this really how you want to lose it?"
RR: "No...you could just put it in once, I just want to know what it feels like"
Me: "No, we're not doing it"

She then proceeded to get dressed again and tried to leave sort of fast-ish. I had to slow her down just so that I could walk her out.

There were a few things that I left out. I mean, right before she went down the second time, I had my hand in a particularly tender place on her body, OVER her jeans. She mentioned maybe doing her (oral, I guess?) tonight, but rehashed the whole worried about how she'll compare with my exes thing. She also was worried about me thinking she was gross etc etc, and whatever. So I said, "maybe we should just wait until you're all groomed and showered and whatever" which she responded to with, "but I want it," which was promptly followed with more hee-hawin and anxiety. Then she went down on me before letting me know whether or not she was gonna have a go. THEN we had the above conversation.

What.
The.
Fuck...?

This girl is weird as hell.

Oh, but dinner was amazing. I'm great at cooking some stuff.

So here's the deal

Was drunk and with phone, so hilarity and destiny ensued.

Roadrunner got some lame dirty texting, which she thought was fun, so no problems. People and their guilt. Makes no sense. Just enjoy your life for a second or two. It's okay, Jesus won't damn you. Or maybe he will, in which case I apologize. My bad.

Secret Lover got the table and all that's on it, which is now everything.

Peace Corps application is officially submitted. Now I shiver with anxious energy for the entire next year, wondering if I'm man enough to do this. Expect a whole new slew of "will she wait?" songs based on SL probably, but don't tell RR that they aren't about her. It's casual, and it's okay that way. We're both invested. We're Jim and Karen, but Pam is still answering phones. Does that make sense? Yes, it does.

The new job starts on the 15th (a Monday). I will do a week or two of training here in Tempe, then may have to relocate to a battleground state until the end of the election. I'm super excited about this.

Leslie is going backpacking forever. I really want to do this, too. I was thinking that maybe when I get back from Peace Corps, if I still don't want to rejoin civilization, I could take the money they give me and go backpacking through Europe or something. I mean, I could also invest the money wisely, but that sucks and doesn't do anything except yield more money. Money is for fools. Or am I going to do that Masters program thing? I forget. Oh well.

Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit

I think that I've figured it out.

I'm with Roadrunner currently. I mean, not right NOW, but in general.

Secret Lover is breaking up with Savra. We hung out last night and, um, for lack of a better word, cuddled. We drank a bottle of wine. Nothing else happened.

When Secret Lover breaks up with her boy, I will abstain. Demand she have time on her own. I will continue to casually date Roadrunner.

There is too much history with Secret Lover. We can't just date. It's like Jim and Pam. We ARE them. Ha, called it.

Roadrunner OMG

Okay, so she deserves an entire long update, but I just don't have time right now. All I time for right now is to say enough to make Adam pee his pants with giddy joy.

Apparently, as some point, the phrase "I'm sorry, but we have to slow down" started to mean, "I want to do things to you on a country club golf course at night"

I ain't saying something happened. I ain't saying something DIDN'T happen. All I'm saying is that those two phrases, in my universe, now mean the same thing.

Tonight

I'm playing tonight at 8pm.
Here's the setlist

Dm Instrumental Thing
Dirt & Water Salvation
Linoleum Floors
Oh, Leslie (By Adam)
Two Years From Now
Roadrunner (Give Her To Me)
I Wish That I Could See You Soon (By Herman Dune)

I wonder how long that'll be?

Assorted Pictures

Roadrunner V: Well, THAT was unexpected

I called Roadrunner at about 2:30 to ask how her finals are going. She was done, and did well, by the way. But that's besides the point.
I'd spent the whole day deciding that date idea numero uno would be for her to come over and watch some Planet Earth, and I would make us dinner. I also decided that I should have some backup ideas, in case she was uncomfortable coming to my house. I mean, maybe I'm overthinking the whole situation or overestimating her conservatism or something, but I was worried that she would hear that connection between my HOUSE, and the third date and think that I was just trying to get in her pants. Blah blah, the point is that I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, so I spent the day at work gathering backup date ideas. Got some excellent places:

-Kazimierz (www.kazbar.net) which is a super rad wine bar in Scottsdale.
-The Orange Table, which is apparently some sort of breakfast and lunch kind of place in Old Town.
-SMoCA, or the Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art, which also butts rights up to a lake thing that has eating and wine and such.
-Challenger Space Something or Other, place in Peoria that has stargazings and related space things.
-Something else that I forgot.

Well, anyways, I called her and threw out the idea about me making us dinner and all that, and she was down, so I was obviously worried about nothing.

I head off to get supplied.

Whole Foods:
Bell Peppers (Red, Orange, Yellow)
Onion (Yellow)
Rainier Cherries
Black Grapes
Salad
Blueberry Dressing
Kiltlifter 6pk
Fat Tire 6pk
Demi Baguette (tiny french bread)
Raw Vegan Cheesecake
Stravecchio (sort of like Parmeggiano)
Angel Hair Pasta
Basil and Zucchini Pasta Sauce
Bottled Water

Target:
New pillows (my old ones are getting lumpy and lame)
Lighters
Tumblers

Alltel Store:
Getting a new phone sent to me

So I got home and immediately set to cleaning the house, duh. I managed the hide most of the really bad shit from the living room, and did a decent job in the kitchen, since that's where we'd be. Took out the trash. Hid my clothes and stuff in my room.

She rolled up while I was still in the shower, so Louis let her in. I finished up and got smelling good and all that then set to do dinner.

Here's what I made:

"Sauteed" half of each bell pepper with about 1/3 of the onion and two sliced garlic cloves. I warmed two cans of diced tomatoes, and added the vegetables to it to sort of simmer. We had that sauce over the pasta, and I also skillet toasted demi baguette slices with stravecchio shavings and some italian seasoning. I forgot about the salad, and neither of us really wanted beer. Anyways, it was great, and she loved it.

We had some issues with Planet Earth, trying to find that sweet shark footage, which was on some nonsense disc. Anyways, after that was all over we started making out on the couch, which is not really built for making out it would seem, so I asked if she wanted to move off the couch. We walked back to my room and resumed where we'd left off. Things got a little heated, which is why I titled this entry how I did. You don't know what I'm about to tell you, but somehow I ended up having my hand all up in between her thighs. I will also mention that ALL clothes are still on, which is a little awkward and made it hard to, um, finish the job, but that's a whole nother story. Anyways, considering what was occurring I moved to gain easier manual access (undo her jeans), and she stopped me. Now, that's fine, I mean this all sort of came out of nowhere, so I totally expected her to stop me, but what I didn't expect was what she SAID. She stops me for a second, then looks at me, and goes, "I have a penis." LOL, nah, I'm just kidding, she said, "I'm sorry, I've never done this before" So that was kind of trippy (considering how gorgeous she is), and I just did my best to assure her that it's totally cool, and that we move at whatever speed she's comfortable with. Anyways, we ended up back there again (overpants), but everytime I ventured anywhere near underneath of clothing she totally stopped me, haha. So yeah, totally unexpected.

We made out for a long while, and then just laid there and almost fell asleep, so we got up and she left. She's going to Michigan on Saturday morning, and won't be back for like a week, so there will be no news regarding her for a while.

Anyways, if anything ever happens with Roadrunner, NEVER tell her that I just told you what went down. The point of this entry is that this girl is super sweet and seems sort of conservative, but I think that she is mostly just unexperienced (she kisses kind of awkwardly to be frank). Lesson learned: everyone's horny, and that includes you.

Roadrunner on the way

This Thursday I plan to take RR out again. Or I should say, I plan going out with her again. I called her on like Saturday and she said that she'd like to go out again. Thursdays seem to be the day for now, just because of her schedule. No biggie, it just means that I'll have to wake up early the next day to go to San Francisco. She mentioned that she needed to be home sort of early on Thursday anyway (pick up a friend from the airport), so it works out. Anywho, the plan is looking like Botanical Gardens, as she has never been, and would like to go. Then probably some dinner. I was sort of thinking The Breadfruit for dinner. Like half of their menu is vegan. Tight.

Anywho, I'm going to shower and go to work now.

Drinks

Hey Adam, Amaretto Sours are like slushees. Really really sweet. Like crazy sweet.

Roadrunner Redux

So I don't really much feel like explaining the whole sitch, but Roadrunner has made a comeback. We went hiking, blah blah, now we're going out tonight. Here's the plan:

Pick her up at 7:30
Go eat at Malee's on Main in Scottsdale
Maybe drive around or hang out or something
Goodnight
Good Morning?

For the record

For the record, my first official will heretofore be known known to have been Mothership Wit by New Belgium, or whatever the company that does Fat Tire is.

Haus of Alkies

Ash Ash wishes she were cool and progressive like me.

Decisions being made for me

Tango and I spoke for a long time today. I "counseled" her on relationships and how to handle the situation with the guy she currently likes.

I called Miss Jen before going to Porter and Pinar's house. We are going out on Saturday more or less. I guess one of her friends just lost a close friend, so Miss Jen might be busy on Saturday consoling (she thinks that's the day of the funeral), so she warned me that she might have to cancel. It's all good.

Catfight

PROS
Miss Jen
-Cutest face ever
-Super smart
-Dedicated
-Volunteer-minded

Tango
-Also super cute face
-Shy (in an endearing way)
-Inexplicably sexy
-Likes world travel

CONS
Miss Jen
-Might think I'm a little goofy
-Maybe TOO smart?

Tango
-Never exercises, I think
-I don't want to have to open someone's eyes again

These are just silly things, of course, and I'd never make a decision in this way. I'm pretty much just doing it for fun, so whatevzies.

The birth of a Nation

I called Miss Jen on Thursday, but she did indeed have plans for Friday.

I remembered how long it had been since I'd seen Secret Lover.
I called Secret Lover. She called me back. She wanted to go to First Friday on the Fourth with me. Anna was already busy.

I call Secret Lover about three hours early. Confirmation.
She is going to be at a party with her boyfriend, but wants an excuse to leave early. This will work.

Her boyfriend drives her to my house. I showed them around the place, and make some small talk. It was mildly awkward, even though I've known him for a while now. He left. She changed into something more comfortable.

We left then.

We parked across the street from the Coronado Hotel and a few gangsta' ass lookin' thugs. We walked to CB/AG and see some of my friends. We walked through various galleries and studios. We finished through Just Breathe, some wellness studio thing. Back to the car we headed.

We drove, hoping to go to Lux, which turned out to be closed due to parade or something. We continued driving.

Drove to Zen/32, a sushi place right near The G Spot. I realized that I can't pass up the chance to say something quick and ironic or with a double meaning even if it doesn't always accurately convey my intentions:

Secret Lover: "You can't go to Peace Corps! You can't leave!"
Me: "It's only two years, no biggie."
SL: "I know, but still!"
Me: "It'll go by quickly. But you can't get married while I'm gone, I won't be able to afford to come back."
SL: "Aww, you'd go to my wedding?"
Me: "I figure I'll be there."

The double meaning is extra vague, which is what made it so tantalizing. Anyways, to continue:

We went in to Zen/32 and realized the immensity that was our collective hunger. Sushi menu. Ordered two vegetarian rolls and one tiger roll (for her). She also ordered a Mocha Jamocho, a hard coffee drink with Tia Rosa and Bailey's and two other things. I tried a sip of it. Tasted like chocolate covered cherries. It was pretty tasty, though the coffee aspect wasn't the greatest. With better dark coffee, it would have been awesome.

We drove a little bit then and saw some fireworks float up above the hill tops in the distance. It was a beautiful night.

I let her out (my inside passenger door handle is broken) and walked her to her front door. We said goodbye and hugged hard.

We spoke about her and her boyfriend. She has doubts, like anyone would. If it was two years ago, I'd push the issue. It's now, and there isn't time. Who has time?

Miss Jen IV

I think that Miss Jen is like a crystal ball. An extraordinarily fragile thin glass thing that holds tremendous potential and confusing power. A person holding a crystal ball must feel awe for the power, but anxiety over the fragility and the apparent ease with which the ball could be reduced to nothingness.

I am excited about this girl because she is ridiculously cute, but also (and now mostly) because she is very smart and able to comprehend complex concepts. I'm nervous or something about ruining this, which is new and weird. I'm not in to playing games and counting days before I call or whatnot, but I really don't want to be all dorky and call super early. I don't know.

Oh, by the way, we met for coffee, it was excellent. I promised her that I was going to take her out for dinner. She agreed. Dope!

Tucson Day Trip or Miss Jen iii

Went to Tucson today with Adam.

Met with Lesley, the Peace Corps Recruiter.

Found out about Fellows International. Can get giant tuition forgiveness for Peace Corps service.

Love Falafel.

Miss Jen on phone. Coffee tomorrow, no dinner.

She has to babysit.

Told her that I want to take her out sometime also. She said sure.

Miss Jen II

It's Thursday and I'm on my way down to the bike shop to work on the 1973 yellow Schwinn Super Sport that a customer had given us the week before. I had promised the bike to a cute girl that Adam, Jose, and I had met at Cartel the week before. I'm walking to the back of the store, through the double doors and into the thick air of the warehouse area where there is no air conditioning. Through the rows of metal hooks I see the faint lemonade paint and the post-it note with my name on it. It's heavier than I expect, and I emit a low grunt unexpectedly while lowering it to the ground. The cracked gum wall tires, void of air, slide along the dusty treated concrete as we push back through the double doors. Hospital doors. Operating room. A rebirth seems imminent, and excitement begins tugging gently.


I hoist her heavy skeleton into the grabbing arm. As I'm wiping down the steel frame, it occurs to me that this bike completely outlived its significance before I was even born. Ten years or more of existence prior to obsolescence, and twelve years prior to my own arrival. I work through the bike slowly, noting the good condition on its metal, and the surprisingly good mechanics. It needs just a little love for the wheels, and the headset has to be completely repacked. The once slick grease has turned now to gum and sticks hard. New tires. New tubes. New chain. Grease and oil all around. Finally it's coming to a close.


I'm scrolling through the contacts on my phone now, and the worry tugs at the back of my throat a little bit as I am not seeing "Jen" anywhere. I remember now, and I zip down to 'Ms Jen (bike)'. I hit SEND a little too soon. I haven't thought of what to say yet. She isn't answering. Four rings. There she is. The conversation stumbles, but it's hard not to come out on top. I tell her that I'll call when I leave my house to go to Adam's dinner party. I'll drop it off on the way. No problem. No, it's on the way. Okay, I'll call you. Bye.


She sounded so professional on the phone. "Is that the bike shop which is located upon the corner of Southern and the 101 freeway?" she asked. Not really, not so many words, but memory seems to be so.


I change my shirt and wash my face. I grab the blue tie which looks like a church window, and the short stack of vinyl that I'm taking to Adam's. The bike is three pieces, and already loaded in the back half of my car. I call her as I pull on to Margo and head towards University. I should have just taken Priest. I know exactly where she's describing. Broadway, just before the 101. There is limited parking, but there's always limited parking when you live across the street from a park. I drive past the house so that I can turn around and face the proper direction. She is in the open garage, but didn't see my drive by. I slide up to the curb and pop my trunk. She sounds excited when I pull the frame out and stand it upside down on the sidewalk. I slide the wheels in with expertise, but realize that maybe she needs a tutorial. I took for granted her knowledge when she told me that she was piecing together a bike at the co-op. But her question speaks to inexperience: "So when the wheel has that lever on it, that's known as a quick release?" I take the wheel back off and show her how to do it right. How to adjust the brakes with extreme prejudice if need be. I warn about the wet wet chain and its staining intentions. Enough business.

Ms Jen: "Are those tires new? I hope you didn't spend too much fixing it up. Can I pay you back for them?"
Me: "Nah, I get all the stuff wholesale, so it really isn't very much."
Ms Jen: "Well, I feel like I want to repay you. Can I take you out for coffee?"
Me: "Yeah, that'd be great. I'm always down for a cup."
-we talk about nothing in particular...she comes back to the point-
Ms Jen: "So next week sometime then?"
Me: "Yeah, how about...Tuuuuuuuesday night?"
Ms Jen: "Yeah, that should be fine."
Me: "What do you think? Dinner?"
Ms Jen: "Yeah, that'd be nice."
Me: "Okay, awesome then."
Ms Jen: "You're vegan, right?
Me: "Yeah...is that a problem?"
Ms Jen: "No! I'm really down with vegan food. I love the places around here."
Me: "Okay, great, we'll go somewhere awesome then."
Ms Jen: "Well so thanks so much again, this is so awesome."
Me: "You're welcome, but it really isn't that big of a deal."
Ms Jen: "Well, can I give you a hug at least?"
Me: "Of course!"
*hug*
-now normally, this would be the exit point, but unexpected nervousness is too exciting to leave alone-
Ms Jen: "This is so perfect. I'm moving, and I was really hoping to have a bike when I moved."
Me: "Why are you moving? This place looks pretty rad." (the yard is really nice, and the neighborhood, too)
Ms Jen: "Oh yeah, it's great, but I sort of have to. The family is expanding."
Me: "..."
Ms Jen: "I live with a family. She's a schoolteacher, and she is pregnant now, so they'll need to the room."
Me: "Oh, raw deal."
Ms Jen: "Well, the original plan was that I'd leave in July, and then my friends had this house in South Scottsdale sort of, so it all works out pretty well actually. And now I have a bike, so it's perfect."
Me: "Well, excellent...Anyways, I should probably be going now, I need to get to that dinner party"
Ms Jen: "Oh, okay...well, thank you again so much, seriously"
Me: "No worries."
-hug-
Me: "Okay, I'll call you next week."
Ms Jen: "Alright!"
Me: "Bye, have a good night."
Ms Jen: "Bye, have fun at your party."

I drove off then. She was wearing the long short things that Leslie wanted more of, and a green t-shirt. Her body is unlike my normal preference, but I am drawn to it. Healthy. Curves, I think. But it isn't just her body. Her skin is the color of summer, or culture, I'm not really sure. Her freckles are each deep abysses into which I fall endlessly. She seems legitimate and enthusiastic, maybe even excited, and that has shed onto me as well. I don't know why I fall so easily, but I don't really care either.

Miss Jen

I'm having some coffee with Adam y Jose the other day at Cartel. Costa Rican Soy Au Laits for myself and Adam. Blue for Jose. Miss Jen sits down. I'm in love, naturally, as I fall in love with every girl I see. We all four strike up a conversation of sorts regarding random things and whatnots, as well as stuff or something. I agree to buy her love with a bike. (A customer at Landis donated her sweet old school yellow Schwinn the other day, which I accepted graciously). I am going to fix up the bike and then call Miss Jen and be like, "you owe me some mad sex." Nah, I won't bribe her. Or I will. Depends on if it will work or not.

Wink i

I went out with Wink, sort of. We met up at Xtreme Bean, which is an ass awful coffee shop in south central Tempe. They used to be an excellent chill spot with good art and talented baristas, but now they are all assholes and their coffee sucks. Anywho, I left with enough time to stop off and get a flower, as that is my custom. This proved to be harder than expected as the first place I stopped had nothing worth showing to anyone. The second place also had nothing. The third place (I'm already like 15 minutes late at this point) had nearly nothing, except for those individually wrapped roses with all the shitty white stuff and whatnot. I threw all that bullshit by the wayside and stripped some of the dead leaves, so I just had a single rose. Roses aren't really my deal, but I was out of options.

I rolled up and saw her chillin at an outside table. She had an iced tea sort of thing and was on the phone, but hung up when I walked up. We sat there and talked for like two hours maybe, and she had to go to some thing. She invited me to her birthday party/concert the upcoming Saturday night, but warned me that she was going to get drunk like crazy and that it probably wouldn't even start until like ten. I said that I'd go (I didn't go).

Impressions: Nice girl, and more or less smart. Has some back story that may be interesting. Not my physical type, in general. A little too smart ass or something; not coy at all.

We'll see. I think that we might go on an actual date this coming week.

Reevaluating the shit

It is part of every responsible person's duty to periodically reevaluate their feelings and decisions on various experiences. For myself, this includes past relationships, conversations, career plans, and personal creeds. Of course, the most obvious things for me to reconsider occasionally are Julee, med school, and straight edge.
The Julee thing is fairly open and shut. I think that I maybe should have stuck with Danette that night at prom, but then everything nowadays would be upside down. I don't know that I'd even be able to have this sort of reflection. I'd probably be a kinesiology student still, for instance. I don't know, it's impossible to say what could have been. I still occasionally miss Julee, but I am mostly glad that I'm away from her. I have developed a new taste for women, and a new appreciation as well. I see now that if I were to meet Julee NOW, I wouldn't be all that interested in her, really.
Medical school is too vague to talk about. I wonder if it is the right decision, but I don't think that I'm ready to commit to either side.
Straight edge demands reflection. Any reason that I have for STAYING straight edge will probably be different than any reason I had for BECOMING straight edge. I wonder if I'm not depriving myself of something, as opposed to protecting. I still generally view alcohol and drugs and casual sex as detrimental to spiritual fulfillment, but is it really so black and white? Small amounts of alcohol or weed can actually have beneficial effects on the body (and the soul, according to some), so why do we take such a hard line stance? Should not the stance be against getting drunk as opposed to drinking? Is it true that you can not have an honest opinion on a situation to which you are unexperienced? Because I've never been high, can I really say that I don't see any spiritual betterment in doing so? This is not the same thing as abortion.
Someone who has never known love cannot say that it isn't important to them, I don't think. Someone who has never had sex cannot say that sex is not important to them, unless they throw an asterisk on the end of that statement. And what about the word love? In an effort to retain the sacred aspect of SOMEthing, I used to hold back my affection. I was separated. Kisses considered too valuable. Sex considered distant. The word itself saved for unique situations. Maybe we'd be better people if we didn't overload that word, or put too great of expectations on it. Why can't we redefine love? People claim that using the word too often devalues it. This may be true, and in fact probably is. But that's why we have poetry, isn't it? We can prove the level of our love (love is a spectrum, after all) by our actions, more so than we'd ever be able to with words. Sometimes it may be better for us to tell someone we love them, even if we don't LOVE THEM. Why is there some weird quota involved here? It feels like we attribute the word to a feeling we had with someone at some point, and then we only use it again when we achieve the same feeling or something greater. If we do THAT, I fear that we might be OVERvaluing the word. Why not just love everyone, but be aware that perhaps we love some people more than others, and that the word may not always mean the same thing every time we use it? The danger lies in the interpretation of the word by the other person. If I tell someone that I love them, they may not understand exactly how I feel. Once again, poetry comes into our lives and demands that single words only superficially represent the way that we feel. Didn't Adam tell me that the Japanese don't say "I love you," but rather use a word that basically means "loving" or is a verb for a loving feeling experienced at that moment? This makes more sense to me. In this way, we are not locking ourselves into a designated height of expression, but rather just saying "At THIS moment, I feel something for you that it tremendously positive and enjoyable." However, I wouldn't dare say that to a girlfriend who just said she loves me, lest she cut my testicles off.
So what's the point? Love is transient and subjective. How we feel at any point is only how we feel at THAT point. If I'm laying next to someone and I feel my mouth forming the words, "I love you," maybe I'll just say it. Or maybe I'll preface it and protect my own future heart by saying. "At this moment, I feel love for you." It's hard to say.
Is the whole straightedge thing similar to veganism? I don't know. I feel like since I have already categorized the animal products industry as a negative thing, I cannot partake at all. In other words, I've decided that it is bad, so for me to support it would just be hypocritical in the most damaging way. It isn't even really possible to say, "veganism is too hard, I'm going to just have a little bit of cheese now and then," because I know that it ISN'T too hard. Or maybe it is, but I like to think that we ought to allow things into our lives that we know are hard, because it makes us better. If it really IS too hard, then you don't just throw it out the window. You strive and strive for it, and actually do the best that you can. You don't just SAY that you're trying your hardest. I mean, I think that I'd rather you didn't try at all than to lie to everyone and lower your standards. The point though is that I don't necessarily consider alcohol and weed to be the same as like meat and fur. The meat and fur are damaging and destructive in their production, and my consumption thereof only encourages that. My support further enhances the idea that man has been given unchecked domination over all of creation. That we can decide who dies and why. We're all just creatures. Weed and/or alcohol are only as bad as the people who consume them. Getting drunk is damaging, but is DRINKING that bad? Some of the most respected and peaceful peoples in the history of peoples enjoyed the occasional drink (or smoke). Who else might I be? And besides, people who are straight edge are usually just scared, honestly. Scared of various things, but scared nonetheless. Maybe of their past, or their family's past. Maybe of the future, or a lack thereof. It's hard to say.

Havasupai Trip: Wednesday

We wake when we wake. With the sun, I suppose. I have fantastic granola in air temperature soy milk. Very good. Kind of weird though. We prepare slowly, and I strap Chaco sandals to my Camelbak.

The end of camp is punctuated rather dramatically by Mooney Falls. It is the tallest fall that we will see.



To get to the bottom of Mooney, we must descend a rather treacherous path made even more so by my mother's slow movement.




(this one is a shot from the bottom up, the chains are for climbing, as it is pretty much straight up)

We hike past Mooney into some dense greenery that is sort of ridiculous. It is all dominated by what appear to be grape vines.



We were hoping to get to Beaver Falls, but my mom didn't want to do the second chain climb, so we turned around (there is a second - more intense - chain assisted climb later on in the hike to Beaver Falls). We stop and have lunch before turning around.


(this is where we stopped to take a shower)

Havasupai Trip: Tuesday

Tuesday:

We wake up early to shower and eat (peanut butter and jelly sammies and some fruit). We have about 70 miles to drive to the Hualapai Hilltop where we will leave the bags that are to be packed into the canyon on mules. We leave our stuff and head out.

From the hilltop there are some amazing and daunting vistas.

(this picture was actually taken on the last day as we left...the weather was more clear on the first day).

The hike begins with a 1 mile steep descent reminiscent of Squaw (Piestewa) Peak in Phoenix. Then, a 9 or 10 mile flatland hike through small canyons to the Supai village and eventually to the campground below Havasu Falls begins.

The 9 or 10 miles to the village are largely uneventful, and mostly boring looking (other than their vastness), so I didn't take any photos until we started to get into the verdant bottom, where water flows freely. The first 6 miles are just desert desert desert, and then all of a sudden:




(that's water in the bottom right)

We walk through overgrown foliage like this for another 2 miles or so, crossing the creek a number of times. The creek is sourced by melting snow in mountains far away, rain, and water that seeps slowly out of the stone cliffs themselves (more on this later).

Wi'igliva (spelling varies) marks the arrival at Supai. These two stones are supposedly ancient protectors of the Supai.



The Supai village is a little bit of mindfuck. In the words of my dad, "It's got a bit of that 3rd world thing going for it, doesn't it?" This is a fairly accurate description of the shitty attempts at farming, and emaciated horses tied tightly in the sun next to dilapidated houses. The place is spotted occasionally by flowers (cactus flowers are in full bloom during this trip), but the road is heavy heavy sand, like beach sand. The going gets really slow, and our shoes fill up. We stop for a quick bean burrito at the cafeteria, and then proceed. Just outside of the village, we hit our first real water.



This sort of water yields fantastic greenery. We continue:



Here are the first real falls that we found. These peak out of a green cliff side and fall a total of about 50 feet.



Then we proceed another long ways on that beach sand until we actually see Havasu Falls. It is impressive, indeed. This falls a little short of 100 feet I think.



And it forms the first of the famous terraced pools. The water is a sort of luminescent green-blue because of lime deposits in the sand.



Ugh, I'm tired of typing, and hungry. We keep going, get to the camp site, it's packed. We carry our bags in about halfway down a mile long campsite. I rinse off in the river, and we eat and then sleep.

Total mileage for the day: approx. 14 miles.

I look pretty rough before going to sleep:

Havasupai Trip: Monday

Monday:

I wake up at 6:15am to finish packing and go to my parents' house. Ashbaby and Lou Bega had just cleaned the house (aka moved all my shit) so that last little bit of packing took way longer than I expected. This didn't really matter though, as my dad takes forever to do everything, so we didn't hit the road until two hours later than we wanted.

We drive to Flagstaff and eat at an Olive Garden. Cute hostess

We continue through Williams (Road Kill Cafe) to Seligman and eventually to a hotel called Caverns Inn or Canyon Caverns Inn or something. The hotel is located near the Grand Canyon Caverns (which really have nothing to do with The Grand Canyon other than maybe some air from the cavern exits a Grand Canyon wall). We toured these caverns, which are dry (they are no longer growing, probably because of tourism and such). They weren't too bad. Some cool selenite formations, and a dead bobcat, and some 50 year old government rations (the gov't wanted to use it as a fallout shelter during the Cuban missile crisis, so they stocked it with a bunch of crackers and candy and shit). We eat at the cafe there afterwards.

best animation ever

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

Match.com makes a comeback

So a few days ago, match emailed me to inform me that someone had emailed me. This reeked of fake profiles and the such, and they wouldn't let me see the email or who it was from without re-subscribing, so I ignored. Then, a day or two later, I got a wink. Now, unlike emails, match will show me the profile of the winker, even though I don't have a subscription. She was cute and sounded awesome, so I bought another month in order to talk to her. In the meantime, I also checked that first email, and then the profile. Definite no. Here are some highlights:

"I love playing video games, watching movies, reading, and drawing. I love anime and manga which has led me to an interest in studying Japanese and the Japanese culture."

"I'm just a geek that enjoys doing things like playing video games, watching movies and anime, and just hanging out."

"I work on Japanese comics and in my free time I enjoy studying about Japan and the Japanese language (helps with work sometimes too!)."

And her email wasn't very exciting either. Now, the winker, whom I will heretofore refer to as "Wink," was much more interesting. Here are some highlights:

"I can't live without sunshine, genuine friendship, music and the hope that there's always something more (and the inescapable desire to pursue it)."

"I'd like to jump into work with non-profits similar to Amnesty International and other organizations that are trying to impact global issues like genocide, environmental destruction and other dilemmas that are so often put on the back burner by society."

"I just got back from a three-week backpacking trip through Australia - it was fantastic and I can't wait to return"

"I want to meet a man who has ambition to do great things with his life and improve humanity and the world in some form or another"

"a guy I can ride bikes, hike mountains and swim across lakes with"

Anyways, so I emailed her this morning, and she has already gotten back to me. I'm going to read it again and then respond. Hope springs momentary.

Grades

I got all As this semester...one was an A-, but still, booyah.

I Never Feel Proud

Ash is an INTP, I am an INFP:

I always wonder about this, because out of the "fictional" famous INFPs, I find some of my favorite characters:

Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
Bastian (The Neverending Story)
E.T.: the ExtraTerrestrial
Doug Funny, Doug cartoons
Tommy, Rug Rats cartoons
Rocko, Rocko's Modern Life cartoons

If any of the following doesn't sound like me, you must not know me very well:


INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.

INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse.

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response.

Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil.

Stranger Dazier

I am sitting at a window. A girl who looks like Chelsea is outside playing with her daughter and husband. The small orange trees outside the window move slightly because of the wind, and the flowers move even more. I'm hot. Espresso hits me like a flaming brick, and I just had two shots in a very quick drink. I catch a draft every so often from someone opening a door behind me, and I think that I'm feeling what the trees feel. I've decided that I like the sound of wind through pine trees. It is a nonviolent brushing noise that is like a very large man walking heavily. Intimidating for no reason at all. The steam wand makes a good attempt at impression, and I have to wonder about the serendipity of things. I look at friends often and think, "How can they still not know who I am?" It occurs to me that Leslie does, which is odd. We don't see each other, and I always feel like I'm sort of bothering her at least a little bit, or like she has so many fun friends and I'm always too serious. At the same time though, I really do tell her things. Not that all of my friends have betrayed me (most have not), but I really believe her when she says that she won't tell anyone. Maybe it's because we don't have any overlapping circles; rays pointed in different directions. She is moving to Tucson. I am sad about this for no reason. I don't see her now, even though we live within ten or fifteen miles of each other. I hope that she does well where she's going. Maybe I like that she does what I feel like I cannot do. She moves through her world with blinders on. She is just running straight forward towards nothing at all, not letting heavy people slow her down. She is living largely for her own purposes, which she isn't even sure of. She goes to California. I feel like I'm tied down. Like if I leave, people will die. I am in the crowd on which she is being carried, maybe. If I am rooted in the ground, blowing straight up with all of my breath, she is the person that I'm keeping aloft. The roots are what worry me. They aren't my body. They are the invasive tendrils of beautiful dying things. Little orange trees stand up against gentle winds, but they are in the pots that I put them in. I'm constantly nailing metal hoops around wooden pots. I need to make metal pots for more trees.

Strange Daze

I always wonder if no one is as perceptive as me. When I am acting obviously not myself, no one ever seems to realize that and ask me what's up. They float on by like so many idiot butterflies. I generally recognize the distress in other people, and if they haven't already told me (most people can't wait to tell you about the stress or problems in their life), I will ask what is wrong. I try not to pry. If they say something about not wanting to talk about it, or that they are fine and just drop it, I let it go. The point though is that I ask. Now, when I am not myself, and I am responding to things in ways that I would never normally respond, I wonder why no one asks me what is wrong. They claim after the fact that if I had only told them that I was having a bad day, they would have understood. But that's not the point. I struggle with isolation and invisibility. I want to know that someone sees me, despite my best attempts at hiding. I feel like I see a lot of people like me , and they usually become my friends, which must mean that they also wanted secretly to be found. But still no one asks. They let me snap at them. They let me respond without sympathy to sympathetic situations. They let me say nothing at all, which is against my nature. I don't care if I've insulted you in this way. If you were a friend, you'd know that it wasn't my normal response, and you should be worried. If a person suddenly falls to the floor and convulses, the thought process is "Oh what the hell? This isn't normal. Is this a joke? I think it's serious. What's the problem? How can I help?" unless you're an asshole, in which case the thought process is "Oh what the hell? This isn't normal. I'm getting weirded out. I'm out of here." So why when I'm verbally and emotionally convulsing, everyone seems to just get the fuck out of here? What a strange week.

Liquid Days by Philip Glass

This is one of those songs that blows me away EVERY time I hear it, but somehow I always forget about it. It's one of the greatest compositions I've ever heard. Definitely one of the most important songs of my life. Should have made the previous list, but didn't. Another song addendum coming up.


IN LIQUID DAYS

Oh Round Desire
Oh Red Delight
The River is Blood
The Time is Spent

Love likes me
Love takes it shoes off and sits on the couch
Love has an answer for everything
Love smiles gently...and crosses its legs
well here we are well here we are

Sleep
Sleep

Sleep...Being in Air
Sleep...Turning to speak
Sleep...Losing our Way
Sleep...Pour it all Out

We are old Friends
I offer Love a Beer
Love watches Television
Love needs a bath
Love could use a shave
Love rolls out of the chair and wiggles
on the floor
Jumps Up
I'm Laughing at Love

Drink Me
Drink Me
Drink Me
Drink Me

Drive...Why do You Ask?
Breaths...Still is the Night
Drive...It is much Further
Sleep...Than We Thought

In Liquid Days
Land Travel(s) Hard
Fly Home Daughter
Cover Your Ears

To Ashbaby

You can mostly move in on Thursday, which is when I plan on like offish signing the lease and doing a walk through (you may come to this if you like)/getting the keys. So if you be wantin' to, you can bring a small load with you on Thursday to drop off when we do a walk-through. Or a large load. Whatevzies. I'm going to start moving non-essentials this weekend. Stuff like clothes that I don't need or whevr. Call me.

No textie

Just so you know, I'm like super over on my text (hundreds of dollars over), so stop texting me for the time being.

Met with Allan (alan? allen? alin? al inn? aladdin?) and picked up the lease, which looks fine, but we ARE going to be liable for the whole security deposit + rent for this first month, which is going to be insano expensive/I will be living completely on credit card for the little while.

Think that I'm going to work at the bikeshop. It'll give me about $9 an hour and hopefully 32.5+ hours a week. It will also be a good reason to become more bike-dependent again aka commute by bike. I previewed my planned route from the house to the shop, and it is beautiful, so I'm totes stokes.

Much love.

Laird of the Hunterbear

Sexy Pics

The master's biff



Wood fliz!


TIZ ON THE WIZ!


Sexy kitchen with brand new e'erthang!



Tasty log-infused great room:

New House

The landlord called me this morning to let me know that they are accepting our application. I am heading over to the place tomorrow (11am) to get the lease from him. I am thinking that hopefully our move in date will be April 15th or so. Move in is going to be expensive ($2500), which sucks. Oh well, I love the house, so I am okay with it. Woot, more update later on. Byeee.

Regarding Getting A New House

So I faxed the application for the new house in yesterday morning at work. Actually, let's redo this. Here was my day:

6am - wake up
630 - work
900 - fax application for carpet free house
930 - leave work, eat excellent breakfast burrito
1030 - shower
1130 - arrive at church
1200 - mass
130 - leave church, head to paul's dad's house for reception remembrance thing
200 - get call saying that grandmother may be dying, should go see her in hospital
245 - arrive at hospital
330 - leave hospital
345 - call landlord, tell him that I faxed the application...he says he'll look tomorrow for it
350 - get awesome soy mocha from Lux
425 - pick up vegan BLT from mandala...super delicious
500 - get back to church
600 - mass
745 - finally leave church
845 - rockband
1000 - talk to erin on the phone. She says that the landlord already called her (around 5ish) because I had listed her as a reference on the application. She said he was sort of weird, but that he was impressed by my plans to go to medical school and stuff. She said it went pretty well.
That's all. He should be calling me today, I think. I'll update as I know.

Regarding New House

So I faxed

Dirt and Water

Today was one year.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080327/ts_nm/merck_fda_dc

FDA probes suicide risk in Merck Singulair

15 minutes ago

U.S. health regulators are probing a possible connection between Merck & Co's Singulair asthma drug and suicidal behavior, the Food and Drug Administration said on Thursday.

The FDA said it is reviewing the issue after receiving reports of mood and behavior changes, suicidal thinking and suicide in patients who took the drug, which is used to treat stuffy nose, sneezing and other allergy symptoms as well as asthma.

The agency did not say how many reports it had received.

While no definite link to the drug has been established, the FDA said it has asked Merck to evaluate its data for more information on the risk. The agency said it expects it to take up to nine months to finish its own review.

The FDA said it is also reviewing reports of behavioral changes in patients taking other similar drugs, including AstraZeneca's Accolate and Critical Therapeutics Inc's Zyflo but has not yet decided whether further investigation is needed.

Merck earlier added information about the risk of tremors, depression, anxiousness and suicidal behavior to Singulair's label.

Representatives for Merck had no immediate comment.

Shares of Merck were off 31 cents at $44.39 in morning trade on the New York Stock Exchange.

(Reporting by Kim Dixon and Susan Heavey, editing by Dave Zimmerman)

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She may be on to something

So Ashlee may be on to something that is a little deeper than I'd previously suspected. She makes fun of me for seemingly attracting girls with massive problems (emotional, financial, et al). I've always sort of thought very little of this occurrence, since it never really BOTHERED me, per se. However, with the slight happening of this morning in mind, I wonder if there is some other force at work.

I was chilling at The Coffee Shop, doing homework and hanging out and whatever. There are a number of girls now working there that I don't know, and one of them is Birdhand. I call her this because when she puts her hands together (like if cupping to catch water) there is a tattoo formed between the two that looks like she is holding a dead bird. Anywho, I was making smallesque talk like I do with coffee girls, and she sat down and started talking to me. She mentioned in stride how things changed for her when some dude died (this may or may not be a fiance or husband or something, as she IS wearing an engagement ring and a wedding band). Well, anyways, I've always sort of been drawn to her. I don't know if I would say attracted, although she IS the cutest thing ever, and I AM attracted to her. I mean that I have always felt more compelled to her than to other girls in the shop in general. She always seems pretty happy, though I've never believed her. I have a feeling that the loss she was talking about is sort of recent, and major. I am suspecting that she lost her fiance, though I have no real basis for that. And now I can't wait to talk to her again. This is essentially the same story as with Delux (Plain Jane), though I have even less reason to believe she is damaged. Watch out though, I'm expecting massive emotional scarring in at least one of these two.

The point = I think that there may be something about me that puts certain people at ease. Generally, "certain people" tends to mean people with a need to talk, or people who have some unresolved and/or unexamined issues. We'll see.

boomin system

So I bought a cd player and a pair of speakers for the car today. This is excellent, because I've been stuck listening to the radio for a few months now, and I don't think I can take it much longer. I got this tasteful little JVC deck on sale (open box) for like $20 off:



And then these 4 way Pioneer speakers were also on clearance for like $20 off:



So now I'm like LL Cool J:



LL COOL J LYRICS

"The Boomin' System"

[Marley Marl:]
Just kick a little something for them cars that be bumpin

Yeah aight
But we need a beat that they can front to
Oh, that'll work
Be funky
You know what I'm sayin?

(Cars ride by with the boomin systems)
(Cars ride by)

Funky
For all the cars out there
And all the brothers
That like to front in their rides
Check it out

You know it's funky, funky, funky cos you heard it from hear-say
A jam that you love that don't be gettin no airplay
Strictly for frontin when you're ridin around
12 o'clock at night with your windows down
Headlights breakin cos your batteries drain
Armor all on your tires and a big gold chain
Parkin outside of all the hip-hop spots
Push the E-Q and play connect the dots
Leanin to the side, people everywhere
The trunk full of amps, there ain't no room for a spare
Big beats bumpin with the bass in back
All the sophisticated suckers catch a heart attack
Cos they don't understand why I act this way
Pumpin up the funky beat until the break of day
It's because I want attention when i'm ridin by
And the girls be on my jock cos my system's fly

Girlies wanna ride with a brother like me
Cos they be hear me gettin funky frequently
They tell me don't drink and drive, I say what is this
Mind your business
Now pass it around
Laid back, hypnotized by the funky sound
People in the street see me bobbin my head
While I'm checkin out the rapper and the rhyme that he said
I'm frontin, and I don't care if you know
The backseat of my car is like a disco show
You would think I was a good friend of Al Capone
Crazy air freshener, who needs cologne
Bottom to the bottom to the top to the top
Cruise - it's 3 o'clock
The girlies, they smile, they see me comin
I'm steady hummin, I got the Funky Drummer drummin
My trunk be shakin, vibratin and rattlin
Pumpin so loud, all the shorties be battlin
A right-hand man's here without the swing
Every chance I get I'm showin off my rings
I can keep it up until the break of dawn
Cos I'm frontin in my ride and my word is bond

Sun roof open, so I can feel the wind blow
I don't give a damn if it cracks my back window
C to the o to the o to the l to the i to the n
To the f to the r to the o to the n to the t to the i to the n
That means I'm chillin
Like Spoonie Gee said, my seats are soft like a bed
They recline way back, so I can get real cosy
I got the gangster tapes in the place
Like a basehead would say: I want bass
I want a hit, I want a dose
You're rollin up smilin, but you can't come close
Cos my system is pumpin loud
Like Rakim said: I wanna move the crowd
I warm it up with Kane, fight the power with PE
Tell the cops: you gots to chill with EPMD
This is something devastatin that'll break your trunk
And remember, Uncle L is like the future of the funk

You know what i'm sayin
Word
So next time you're in your ride pumpin it up
Just remember
It's Cool

Peace

What is it about you?

I was just admiring a girl in class that I would have to admit is not good looking. At least not according to what most people (Ashlee) would consider good looking. Ashlee would meet this poor soul, laugh, and then say "Nathan, no, she is not cute. She is not pretty at all. She is, in fact, ugly." However, something about this girl allures me. She is very pale, and has bad skin. She isn't overweight, but she isn't particularly toned or anything. She has beautiful red hair that she wears in a not-very-flattering way, and kind of dorky (but not dorky-chic) glasses. So I don't know what it is. I know that I like the way that her hair color juxtaposes itself against her very light skin. It is like ketchup on mayonnaise. Or menstrual blood on cotton panties. Basically red on white. I don't know why, but I like it. I've never heard her voice, as she is very quiet and remains so in class. She seems shy. She is not a fashion-plate. She wore today a pair of jeans, flip flops, and a super bowl shirt. I'm not sure what it is.

There is a girl in THIS class, one who I actually awkwardly found on match.com. She is very skinny. She has a very long neck, and a sort of peculiar face. Blond hair. Tan skin. Not slutty. Very fashionable in the colder winter, but it's harder to do so when it gets so warm. She still dresses well though. She is very inviting, and I know that she has to have also seen me online in all of my shame. I wonder if she wonders why I never asked her out after finding out that she is alone and looking. I hope not. I think that that would be awkward and untoward of me. I pretend always that I am going to ask her out.

A girl in the same class as Ketchup and Mayonnaise has lupus. She is generally very well dressed, and has a fantastic haircut. She is sort of goofy looking, but in a way that I find attractive, apparently. I think that Ashlee would say that she is plain. Fuck it.

Roadrunner, by the way, is a funny opposite example. Her ass sort of reminds me of a 40 year old woman's ass. Which is to say that it isn't particularly sexy. I mean, I'm sure it's nice unclothed. Maybe she just doesn't know how to buy jeans that work with her curve. I can show her the way.

Whatever, I'm just killing time in class now. I have an interesting class coming up, and then we are going to dinner for class as well at this place called C-Fu. Our teacher has been freaking out about dim sum lately, so he wanted to have class there. Apparently, dim sum is like tapas, only chinese, and served with tea instead of booze.

Ugh, I can't wait for this semester to be over. I just want to spend the summer working out and making some money. I am pretty excited about starting entirely anew. A new house, a new lifestyle, a new job. Good stuff.

I made a new myspace, but really only for work related stuff. I don't intend to use it for personal crap at all.

I want to get another pair of glasses. It occurred to me that it is weird for us to expect everyone to only wear the same pair all the time. I mean, I don't always do my hair the same way, and I certainly don't wear the same shirt everyday, so why shouldn't I have some choices for these things? They are one of the most immediate and memorable aspects of my appearance. Let's shake it up.

I'm getting a cd player in the car, finally. I'm just going to go get it done by Best Buy or something, and my parents are paying me back as a (late) birthday gift. It's going to be good. I also need some new floor mats, and maybe some seat covers. We'll see.

Bored.

Ashlee last night

Watch until the end. Seriously.

Someone tell me

Where da slutz at?

Big Dog Robot

This is testing my sense of life