I've spoken with her a few more times. I usually stop her after class and talk to her for a few minutes. She called me on Friday to ask if I wanted to go hiking with her and some other people on Saturday. I told her that I had to work so that I would not be able to go. She sounded abnormally distraught about this, which was actually sort of weird, and she asked about the next Saturday. I wasn't on the schedule for the next Saturday, so she suggested I go on a long run with her. That would have been fine, except that she wasn't kidding about the long part. She wanted to do 9 miles. Not impossible or anything, just something that I wasn't excited to do yet. She mentioned that maybe we could hike instead, which sounded way better to me.
Anyways, so then I stopped her after class yesterday and gave her a brochure for the Skirtchaser 5k (http://www.skirtchaser5k.com/) and talked to her a little about Saturday. I, for some reason or another, suggested that we run Peralta Trail, which is a decent 6.5 mile hike. She sounded sort of scared, but maybe up to it. Whatever though, it's all good. I really cannot get a good read on this girl. I think that she might just be really nice, but it'd be pretty dope if she wanted to go out. I think that I'm going to see how Saturday goes, and then maybe ask her out after that.
“She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.”
-Benjamin Franklin
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Roadrunner II
Ironwoman pt I
Last week I stopped by the Rural and Warner shop to pick up a jersey for Matt. He has been wanting to get back on his bike, and maybe get into triathlons again, so he wanted some new gear. Next door to the R&W store there used to be a Scottsdale Running Company, even though R&W is actually Tempe. SRCo used to be my go-to running store, because they gave me a small discount and most of the people were actually very knowledgable. When I arrived at R&W, I noticed that what once was SRCo was now called Sole Sports, so I was made to be very curious. I walked in and was greeted by Ironwoman.
She explained that SRCo was run by partners, and that when one of the partners was arrested for DUI the business exploded and the two stores broke up (there is a SRCo in Scottsdale as well, natch). So now this store was run by one of the partners (I think the one who was NOT arrested) separate of SRCo.
I had some time to kill, and I was in a good enough mood, so I decided to try some new running shoes on. I mean, my current pair are getting pretty tired, and they weren't all that great to begin with. So Ironwoman pulled out like ten different pairs of various shoes that I might like. We shot the shit while I tried them all on. She was fairly cute, and pretty cool, so I of course fall immediately in love with her. I call her Ironwoman because she is a world class triathlete. She placed 3rd among women overall at the World Triathlon Championship last year, and she has done like 3 or 4 full length Ironman Tris. My DAD describes her as "amazing."
Two days later, I decide that I might actually be able to use a new pair since, like I said, my old pair isn't the best thing ever. So I head back in to Sole, and am happy to see that Ironwoman is working. She remembers me, which is cute. She brings out about four pairs. The first one is the Asics Gel Cumulus, and this is the pair that I end up going with. I talk to her more while I'm trying on all of the pairs, and I find out that our families actually know each other. Apparently her mom used to be way into triathlon and stuff, and she used to go to my dad's shop for her gear. Blah blah blah, they had a falling out, but now they're cool. Anywho, I was at the counter, and she was ringing me up. The words were floating up into and out of my mouth when this other dude who worked there came out of nowhere and chilled out at the other register, which is like right next to her. He started talking to me, lame. So I left. I called back later to ask her out, but she had already gone home. I went back in the next day, but she wasn't working. Now what?
"The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do."
Orison Swett Marden
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Equipped to Die
I think that maybe we are equipped in weird ways to deal with life, as well as death. In life, when we encounter something too terrible to comprehend, we often don't comprehend it at all. Our brains - and sometimes our bodies - will just shut down or close off in order to avoid the trauma. This is the thinking behind fainting upon seeing something disturbing, or repressed memories in general (which most likely exist in a far different capacity than what we currently consider). Some people explain that the body or brain thinks it is dying, and so it does whatever it can to avoid death - or the pain associated with death - including running away (shutting down).
Similarly, when we die, our body has a compensation mechanism. Actually, to be more specific, when we die "naturally" according to a scheduled break down associated with aging, our bodies have a compensation mechanism. If we die slowly enough, usually our brain will go before our bodies do. This sounds terrible, especially to a person like myself who finds pride in mental facility. However, as I think about it more, maybe it's better. It's certainly harder on the people around us who have to watch us revert to a childlike mental capacity, but it must be easier to die when we don't realize it. The most disturbing horror movie villains usually let their victims know that they are going to die, and that there is nothing they can do about it. The true trauma is in the knowing. Ignorance may actually be bliss. If you don't have the wherewithal to recognize that you're in a hospital bed, maybe you don't have the wherewithal to recognize that something bad is happening to you.
Something new is occurring to me, actually. So my grandfather is in the hospital. He is a doctor. He specialized in geriatric processes, or getting old. He was always secretly afraid of getting old, and of dying. That's a tragic thought, since those things are so very inevitable. He has been in and out of the hospital a number of times in the past year due to blood toxicity as a result of his own self over medication. He grew up in the polio vaccine and penicillin age, which means that he believes a little TOO much in pharmaceuticals (all aged doctors right now probably are the same way). He would take too much, or forget that he took something and retake it, or maybe he was just using too much in general. Whatever. He was running as fast as he could from the pain of dying. But I think it has caught up with him now. He fell last week and cracked 6 ribs. He is lying in the hospital now, and looks like he might just be on his final leg. He flitted in and out of conscious conversation, dropping occasionally into half lidded stupor. Forgetting my name. Thinking I'm my father. Then he's back. Makes a joke. Gone again. Et cetera. Et Set Er Uh. Et - "And," Ceteri - "The others." And The Others. 2001 Nicole Kidman vehicle. A woman who lives in a darkened old house with her two photosensitive children becomes convinced that her family home is haunted. Terrifying secrets are revealed. Haunted. We're haunted by the ghosts of things. Regardless of logic. Things fly into and out of consciousness without our control. Things that terrify us. Things that palliate that fear. Things that are just there to remind us that they will be coming back again to scare us once more. Age doesn't just fly into and out of our haunted brains. It actually never shows up at all. It is the long shadow of the colossus killer standing one hundred miles in front of us. Too far to see her wrinkled face. But the sun is blazing behind her, and if it weren't for that hot shadow crossing your face, you'd be blinded entirely.
"Grace: So you say you know this house well?
Mrs. Mills: Like the back of my hand, that is assuming the walls haven't sprouted legs and moved in the meantime.
Grace: The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything."
-The Others
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tiny Toons in Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
I think Adam mentioned that he hadn't seen the Tiny Toons video for the song, so here you go:
Just to Clear Up Any Confusion
Adam already knows what's up, but just in case the rest of you don't know, Istanbul by They Might Be Giants is one of the best songs ever. Here's the video, which is also super awesome:
Roadrunner
So on Monday, during one of those "introduce yourself to the class" type things, I mentioned that I had run the half the day before. I received a healthy round of applause and adoration from the predominantly female class (girls are always way more impressed by things like that than are guys), however one girl chimed in with "Oh, I did too!" She then asked me what my time was and I told her and found out that she beat me by like 45 minutes. Class then sort of resumed, so I sat down. After class, however, I hung out for a second and talked to her as we walked out. She's one of those very very happy people. She smiled big, and often, and for good reasons (I'm pleasant, and she has the whitest teeth ever). I didn't think much more about her that day.
Then today, on Wednesday, she sits down (she sits two seats to my left, on the other side of this gorgeous Asian girl named Julie) and immediately asks me how my legs feel. I tell her, "Actually, they feel good today. I am going to go hiking on Friday." She bounces back with "Oh good! I'm actually going on Saturday if you want to come" I can't, because I have to work on Saturday, and I told her as much. We didn't get to keep talking though, because class started, so after class I talked to her again. I found out her name is
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Seriously? Come on, now
PETA kills 97% of companion pets in 2006. Some pets' bodies thrown in dumpsters.
http://sev.prnewswire.com/
publishing-information-services/
20080111/DC1129510012008-1.html
copy paste fools
Monday, January 14, 2008
Last Supper Hymn
Hymn hidden in The Last Supper painting? Hear some of it below
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/21754494#21754494
here's a link to an article:
http://www.abqtrib.com/news/2007/nov/10/musician-finds-hymn-last-supper-painting/
13.1 Miles of Vindication
Let's start with Saturday. The expo. We were going to drive together, but Julee stayed at her parents' house, which is in Phoenix, so we decided to just meet at the convention center. We were both late, though I was a little extra late. Whatever. We meet there. Hug. Honesty: she doesn't look as good as I was remembering, though she certainly didn't look bad. Her eyes are smaller, somehow. Memory magnifies, I suppose. We walked around the expo and got some free stuff, and then took off. Nothing big.
The plan for Sunday was that I'd call her and pick her up then drive us both to the pick up spot for the shuttles (you park at the finish, then take a shuttle to the start so that when you're done you can just walk to your car. This all required that we be parked and waiting for a shuttle before 7:30, since the last shuttle leaves at that time. I had some trouble sleeping the night before, and ended up getting up and taking a shower around 5:15 or so. I ate then and called her, apparently waking her up. I found out later that she was stupid and went out drinking the night before (didn't get drunk, but was out until like 3:30am, and was wearing heels), so she only got about an hour of sleep. The entire morning from when I picked her up until we actually passed mile one she complained about how tired she was ("to the point of nausea"), and how she sort of wished that she had slept through my phone call and stayed home. We stayed together until around mile 9.5, at which point I was having some issues (my right knee), so I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She really wanted to break 3:00 hours (we were on pace for about 2:55 or so if we had been able to continue that same pace, though I would've held her back what with my knee).
She took off then, and I took to a steady quick walking pace. I kept this same pace until about mile 11, at which point I was planning on running again, however, my knee was only worse, so I decided to hold out for the last .6 miles or so. Also, my left ankle was starting to act up a bit. I found myself at mile 12, and I was starting to feel the beginning of cramps in both of my calves, and my right quad, so I hit a cup of Accelerade, and looked for a COACH who might have salt (the marathon hires people to walk around certain portions of the race shouting encouragement and possibly advice. Some of these people also carry salt with them for people who may be cramping, although certainly not all of them do this). I then ran out of water, and entered the bridge over Tempe Town Lake (Mill Ave Bridge), which told me that I was about .8 miles from the finish, with no water in sight. I spotted a COACH and asked them if they had any salt, which they did not. Worried, but not too much so, I decided to just go, since there was no help between where I was and the finish. So I picked it up to a quick pace and ran the bridge. On the way down the bridge however, my left calf and my right quad entered full spasming cramps, which was intense. At the bottom of the bridge, when we take a left on to Rio Salado, they were both largely completely seized, so I stopped for a moment and tried to stretch them out. This sort of helped, and I started walking again. After about 100 meters, I decided that I was going to run that last little .4 miles regardless, so I took back up, and didn't stop until I was through the line.
I was a little more exhilarated than I expected, honestly, as I weeded my way through the massive chaos that is the ending line family reunion area. I couldn't find my mom, so I just made my way back to my car. I met up with Julee, who DID finish under 3:00 (I think she was like 2:53). I finished 3:05, by the way. We walked back to get my car, only to realize that I had parked on the third floor of a parking garage. The stairs looked pretty hardcore, so we just walked to HER car (she had left it nearby the night before), and she was going to drive me up to mine. She did this, and then we promptly sat in a line for 20 minutes. I think that an ambulance was on the first floor, blocking anyone from leaving. I felt really bad about this though, because Julee was supposed to be at work at 2:00, and we didn't get out of that garage until 1:40. In any case, I decided to play at mass that night, because I wasn't dying, and I sort of need the money.
Here's the point, though: I'm over her. I realized that I still think she is cool and smart and all that, but that I'm not attracted to her anymore. Physically. Emotionally. Whatever. I look at her as a friend now. I can't guarantee that this is a permanent condition, since she will always be a very specific character in my love history, but for now, I have moved on. I think that is what I am most excited about after this weekend. I mean, I set a new distance watermark for myself, and I proved that I can do something that I was wondering if I was going to be able to do, but really, moving on from her is much larger. I'm happy about this.
"Moving on moving on from town to town
Movin' on I can't seem to stop now
Movin' on I never seem to slow down"
Movin' On by Bad Company
Friday, January 11, 2008
Monday Bloody Monday
I'm looking forward to Monday. It's the first day of my new year, really. I am going to get back on a bodybuilding type diet (with a few modifications, of course), as well as a powerbuilding weights routine. I'm also going to reduce the expected frequency of running, but increase the average duration. In ADDITION, I have rebuilt three of my bikes, and I plan on riding them more. One of them is a single speed mountain bike that I built last year (I built everything except the actual pieces of metal...I even laced my own wheels) that I never took to the mountains. I plan on getting back into cycling, because, after all, the revolution will have two wheels. Get with it. ALSO. Actually, I'm not sure if there is an also or not.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Secret Lover pt something IIa
So I picked her up from her place at around 6:40pm. We drove into Tempe and talked about her day and the impending arrival of a new semester. She mentioned that she had never been to California Pizza Kitchen, and since there was one right by the theater, I made the final decision to go there.
She order The Greek pizza, which is like cucumbers, olives, maybe bell peppers, onions, lemon herb vinaigrette, tzatziki, and some other little stuff (and chicken). I had the relatively simple Italian herb and cheese, which is just diced tomatoes for sauce, some cheese, and strips of basil on top. Now, I'm always amazed that a restaurant as expensive as CPK - which isn't prohibitively priced, but certainly more expensive than Olive Garden - could serve such crappy pre-dinner bread. It's cold and flavorless, and more often than not, it's stale as well. They also give it to you with a few sticks of wrapped butter. Make sure to request olive oil and balsamic, but be ready for slightly rancid olive oil.
Anyways, her pizza was pretty good, but it sounded better than it actually tasted. Sort of the same thing for mine. It was obvious that they used canned diced tomatoes, which is an especially stinging insult considering that that means I could have made the EXACT same pizza at home, only entirely organic, for less than half of the menu price. In any case, it wasn't terrible, just disappointing, as it usually is when I stray from their basics. I guess I've never really understood the tremendous hullabaloo regarding CPK. Anyways, she liked her pizza. Had it with a bottle of Newcastle. She's a fine beer kind of girl, I suppose.
Then we went to Tea Infusions, because I wasn't sure if we'd make it out of the movie in time, which was starting in 10 minutes. The guy in front of us was one of those customers that I hate. You come in enough to be a regular, but that doesn't mean that anyone likes you, so stop talking to the staff, and let us order. She got the Tra Que Chai soy latte, which was very good, and I ordered the Creme Brulee (tea) soy latte. After the gave SL her drink, the extraordinarily beautiful girl behind the counter said "And what were you waiting for?" I told her, and she spun off real quick and said "I'm not sure if I made that yet." Of course, the movie was starting in like three minutes at this point, but I sort of wanted my tea latte, so we chilled. About 2 minutes later she handed me a cup, and I could see the tea bag hanging out the side, which means that she made me just a plain Creme Brulee tea, not a latte. I didn't REALLY mind, and we were late, so I just took it and said thank you. That tea was actually pretty bad though, I don't recommend it. It might've been pretty good as a latte, but whatever.
We met her friend Kathryn in the theater, who was only in charge of procuring seats, which she did with an amazing lack of aplomb. In a theater that was hardly full, she managed to find three seats wedged in between two other groups of people. There were a hundred other three seat options in that theater, but I guess she was comfortable where she sat.
The movie (Juno) was good. I actually liked it more the second time through, so I suggest re-seeing it for anyone who only saw it once.
Afterwards, we walked Kathryn to her car, then we drove to SL's house to hang out and record with her boyfriend, Sav. Sav set me up with two condensers, and a music stand for the lyrics that I posted earlier. We recorded me just screwing around for a while, so that my hands could get a little warmed up, and he could mess with levels.
Then I recorded that song. Sort of quietly, since it was late, and I was pretty sure that SL's sister and her new husband were trying to sleep. So basically, I just didn't belt it. It came out okay, but since I was singing into the same mic that was aimed at the sound hole of my guitar, my voice sounded a little faint or distant. That's fine though, this wasn't going to be some big fancy recording. I just wanted to do it to show Chris and LT the idea for the song, and the sort of quality of recording that we could expect from Savra.
Like I said, after he sends me the mp3, and I figure out how to embed it, I'll post it up for listening. Or maybe I'll just email it to friends. We'll see.
Um. What else?
Oh.
So then she walked me out and said that she liked my song. I said thanks, and that I'd see her later. She said, "Yeah, on Tuesday when you're sitting with me in class," which reminded me that class does indeed start next week. I affirmed her statement, but suggested that we hang out again before that.
Anyways, that's all, I need to go to work now. Good morning.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Secret Lover pt something II
We ate at CPK
Got bad tea
Watched Juno
I recorded with Mike
I will post the song when I figure out how to embed mp3s
Bigger entry later
nightie night
Something less serious, more gratuitous
So here is the best part of the most famous Halloween episode of 7th Heaven. The part where Jessica Biel dances around the house in a shirt and panties (actually, the insinuate that she is not wearing any panties, because when she gets in the bath they only show her shirt hit the floor). I'm not ONLY posting this to exploit people searching Google for various things jessica biel, but also because I remember this episode vividly. This was when I OFFICIALLY switched allegiances from that Lucy chick to jessica biel's character, whatever her name was (at the time of this airing, I was closer in age to Lucy than to biel's character, so it wasn't pervy). Oh, and note to girls: shirt and panties is the hottest possible combination ever, even if the shirt is ridiculous, or maybe especially if it is. Oh, and by the way, is the weird pumpkin carver played by Stephen Seagal?
Secret Lover pt something
I'm going to the movies with Secret Lover tonight. We are going to see Juno, which I've already seen (but she doesn't know that). So the plan is that I will pick her up from her place and we are going to go eat or drink or something before the movie. Then, after the movie, we're going back to her house and I'm going to record a song with Mike, her live-in boyfriend. He is majoring in electronic music and music production so he has some decent equipment, and he actually knows how to use it. I'm going to be trying to finish this song, but if I can't came to a close on it, I'll just cover something. Any suggestions on what I might cover?
"dirt and water salvation" by Me
desperate petals
float on gentle winds
please find their stems
roses frozen in snow
outline porcelain repose
don't think anybody knows
the earth breaths him in
dirt and water; salvation
set free by his sin
can we do this all over again?
did anybody hear
secret cries for help?
did anybody smell
skin melting away?
the earth breaths him in
dirt and water; salvation
set free by his sin
can we do this all over again?
Her Legs Grow
This next weekend is the Half Marathon. That's 13.1 miles through Phoenix and a little bit of Tempe. This post isn't really about running, though. It's about Julee.
I spoke to her on the phone this morning about how we're going to work this weekend out. The expo is on Saturday, and that is where you go to get all final registration stuff and race number and all that. There are also vendor booths and free stuff and whatnot. It's a lot of fun, actually. I went with her last year when she ran the full marathon, and we said that we'll go together this year since parking is a bitch and we're both doing it anyways. So that's Saturday. I think that on Sunday we'll probably drive to the race together, too.
Speaking to her on the phone is weird, still. I mean, it's hard for me to deny that I still have feelings for her. She is perhaps THE most intelligent girl that I've ever known (sorry Ash and others), which is tremendously appealing to me. I recently had a conversation with Ambuler about how it's hard for me to find girls that I can really talk to (I can listen to anyone, but it's hard to find someone who can actually listen back). Now, those of you who have been around for a year or more may remember that I became disconcerted by the fact that I didn't talk to Julee. Paul died, and I didn't call my girlfriend. I called someone else. I felt like I couldn't speak to her about stuff like that. Now that we're just friends though, I am able to talk to her about more things, so it's like the one MAJOR issue in the relationship has been worked out. That makes it difficult for me for what I would think are obvious reasons.
It is sort of evident to me that she has the same problems with guys that I have with girls. She cannot find guys who are smart enough to talk to her and listen to her. She knows though that I am that guy. That's why she wants us to remain friends, I think. So that she has more than just girls in her life, because she doesn't even really like girls, I don't think.
Is it arrogant to assume that she still harbors secret feelings for me? If she holds valuable the same things that she used to, then there is no way that she doesn't. Or is that the flaw of the ex? To always assume that they are still wanted? Hmmm.
So anyways, here're the main points:
1) Julee and I are essentially spending the whole weekend together
2) We will be in more or less vulnerable/embarrassing situations that generally render one overly emotional
3) I obviously still have feelings for her
4) Am I afraid of the word "love"?
5) I am worried that she'll ask me to get back with her or something after the race
6) Aren't these the same things that I wondered about when we met for coffee months ago?
7) I wonder if I'm somehow thinking with the wrong part of my body (head vs heart, you perverts)?
I guess I don't really know what the hell is going on. Oh, and just to add to her litany of confusing actions, Duffy rolled her eyes in frustration when she walked in on me talking to Ambuler about hanging out with Julee this weekend.
I think that I'd like to hook up with one or two girls at least before getting seriously considering getting back with Juju. I mean, if I didn't, then this whole time off would have been a stupid pointless lie. Someone stop me.
I think that honestly if I manage to get back into shape, I will want her less. Does that make sense? I am also making the possibly erroneous assumption that after I lost some weight I'll be better able to meet other girls, so that must be related somehow. I don't know, like I said, someone stop me.
"Your Legs Grow" by Nada Surf
If you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost
you're the only person in the world
i feel that way about
and if you move off to the side
i'll get swept back out
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
there's a light that rises up
from the bottom of the lake
and its beam has hit me hard
now i'm wide awake
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
if you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Celebrities Doing Stupid Crap In Front of Paparazzi pt I
So everyone has been posting these pictures of Jennifer Aniston on vacation with Courteney Cox. It's basically the both of them wearing trampy bikinis and sitting around. Pretty boring really, but I guess if you're a stalker you love this kind of shit. But my point is why do celebrities do ridiculous things in front of paparazzi? Here's a shot of Jennifer Aniston, and one of Courteney Cox's totally not sexy ass crack:
Are they legitimately unaware of paparazzi constantly taking their picture, or are they intentionally slutting up their pictures so as to get themselves back into relevance?
Here is Lindsay Lohan getting her ass felt up by some skeevy Italian guy who is also apparently unzipping his pants. This looks like it was taken by one of his buddies who now has a few bucks in his pocket:
Oh, and just for fun, here is a hilarious picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar and I think that Freddie Prinze, Jr guy. She literally fell on like a three inch wave, so the intensity of her facial expression is way out of hand.
btw, I got most of these from What Would Tyler Durden Do?
Ambuler
Ambuler is one of my supervisors at work. She lives with her boyfriend "Don" who is a nice guy, but pretty flawed in a few ways that she is well aware of. She is young though, and also knows that. I've been trying to convince her to go back to school ever since I started working with her (she has her GED, but never attended any college at all), and she finally did it. She texted me today, here's how it went:
Ambuler: "Im enrolld"
Me: "Awesome!!! What are you taking?"
Ambuler: "Math and eng"
Me: "Good. I'm proud :o) now we're like school buddies."
Ambuler: "Lol. ur a dork."
Me: "Lol, whatever, i'm still proud/excited"
Ambuler: "Thank u."
Ambuler: "That means alot. i wish there was more ppl in the world like u"
Me: "Well, there aren't, so cherish me while i'm still here."
Was that a dick thing to say? I don't think so, because I would have said that if she were talking TO me about someone ELSE, so I think that I was being honest. I've lost people already in my life, as has she, so I think that it is okay for me to say that to her. I'm serious about it, too. I think that if she really feels that way, then maybe she should be aware of the rarity, and appreciate it. Anyways, maybe i'm just a dickhead.
Ambuler is really very beautiful, though I must admit that I think of her beauty in a different way than everyone else, for the most part. She has a family history of modeling, and has even done some on her own. She is also built like a model, which is something you either have or not. Anyways, I like Ambuler, she's the shit.
Sometimes She's On
Erin makes me a little bit sad. When she's on, she's fantastic, but she falls away just as quickly. I wish I really knew how to keep her up. It'd be great, but I run out of ideas. She is lonely and desperate. Not desperate for guys or love or anything, just desperate. She lives desperately, which is not a good way to live I don't think. She lives at the mercy of her world, instead of taking charge of it. She ought to move out. She ought to get her Masters. She ought to get a new job. She hasn't done any of those things. I wish that she would do any one of them. It's too bad, really. She is still what she always was for me, even though she shrinks when I see her again. She becomes something smaller than the monumental glyph that exists in my brain associated with her name. The picture of infant Jesus is of a human deity trapped in a tiny body, when by all accounts he was crying, shitting, horrible thing like all babies are. Erin deserves something more. Do all guys always think that they are able to give what everyone needs?
This one goes out to Erin AND AsheeBabeez:
"A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley
"Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying
And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them"
Thursday, January 3, 2008
My Type's Phenotype II
allison stokke
So here is another example of a body type that I am drawn to. Similar to Jessica Biel in general muscularity, though in this case it is due to necessity for her sport, which is pole vaulting. In looking up her name, I've found that she is sort of freaked out about all of the posting of her images online, but well, I don't know how I feel about that. Is it wrong to repost these knowing that she isn't really cool with it in general? If it is, then I'll take these down. Anyways, here she is. Oh, and here is the link to the story about her not liking the proliferation of her visage around the super tube systems
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/28/AR2007052801370.html
By the way, if you just search for her name you'll find an extremely creepy link to a site that claims to have ALL photos of her. I get the impression that it is not her own page, but it still includes like prom photos and personal shots and stuff; facebook and such. Weird.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
A New Year, A New Life
So this is 2008. This figures to be an important year in my life. This is the year that I have to commit. To decide. To finalize my direction at least for a short while. This is the year that many songs speak of (my 23rd birthday is in February). Jimmy Eat World said:
"Amazing still it seems
Ill be 23
I wont always love what I'll never have
I wont always live in my regret"
Rufus Wainwright wisely warns:
"Soaking on the ice, makin' eyes all by myself
Didn't realize you were so top of the shelf
Just you wait and see when you turn, turn 23"
God Lives Underwater reflected in this way:
"I've spent 23 years now
Trying to get by
Other people make it day to day
I still wonder why"
And anyways, even though I used to be too cool for New Year's Resolutions, I thought that maybe that was me being arrogant. In fact, it almost definitely was. An arrogance that I can do without. So I'm doing away with it now. I'm defining some resolutions. Some are awkward and abstract, and some are definite and concrete.
#1) Live more dangerously
I think that everyone probably says this every year, but I think that I really mean it. I want to embarrass myself and be humiliated and feel like an ass. I want that so that I can come out on the other side having survived. I want to ask out girls and get laughed at or slapped. Something dramatic. I want to run farther than I am able, and have to nearly crawl into my house. I want to find myself under an overloaded bar, with no spot. Save myself. Die otherwise. Put myself into danger.
#2) Run 1000 miles
This really isn't as big as it sounds, but I would like to have a documented 1000 mile year under my belt. I'm going to maybe keep tabs here and on coolrunning.com, which has a handy free journal thing that is awesome.
#3) Work out three days or more a week, every week
It isn't about achieving something tremendous. It's about making a positive change, and committing to something healthy and worthwhile. I would like to reclaim my body. Prisoner in my own soft cell.
#4) Make friends; lose friends
I'd like to lose a friend due to honesty. Perhaps there is someone out there that will be offended by some piece of honest assessment and will write me off because of it. I'm okay with that. I'm only okay with it if it is for that reason, though. I need friends with whom I can be straight up, and who can be straight up with me. If that is hard to handle, then so be it. I'd also like to make a friend or two for the same reason as well. Someone who recognizes the truth, and appreciates it.
#5) Eat better
I know how to eat. I know how to eat WELL, that is. I know I should eat 5-7 times a day. I know that I should eat organically and whole. I know that I shouldn't eat out. I know that I shouldn't eat sugar. So here's the deal. I'm going to carry a food log and note down everything that I eat. I'm going to try to eat out 2 times or less every week (there is an almost mandatory restaurant meal on Sundays). I'm going to try to eat the actual amounts of vegetables and fruits that I'm supposed to, and I'm going to try to prepare them myself. Oh, I also want to bake and cook more, instead of quick cooking stuff. I'd like to become a better chef.
That's all for now, I think. I may come up with some other things that I'd like to focus on this year. If I do, I'll post them. I leave you with Tori Amos:
"If I have a heart attack at 23
I'm loving you too much
If I have a heart attack at 23
Wave bye-bye
You'll miss me
You'll miss me baby
If I have a heart attack at 23"
