Natal Chart

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Leo


You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!



Sun is in 26 Degrees Aquarius.

You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.



Moon is in 00 Degrees Capricorn.

You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring.



Mercury is in 22 Degrees Aquarius.

You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.



Venus is in 10 Degrees Aries.

You are a very affectionate person but you hate to be tied down. You are more than willing to be the aggressor in initiating new relationships. Indeed, once you have set your sights on someone, you tend to pursue him or her ardently and passionately. But you do demand your own way in a relationship. Try to give in to your partner's needs and desires once in a while.



Mars is in 09 Degrees Aries.

You are very independent and self-assertive, and you have lots of physical energy. You are not satisfied unless you can be the first to do something. As such, you are more comfortable in leadership positions than you are as an underling. When you are challenged by anyone for anything, you delight in the competitive process and will fight long and hard for your beliefs. You are bold and courageous and often act without thinking. At times, in your zeal to get ahead, you are tactless and offensive -- learn that cooperation with others can often bring you nearer to your goals quicker because of the support you will get.



Jupiter is in 01 Degrees Aquarius.

Your personal growth occurs when you have the freedom to do things in new and interesting ways -- this brings out your natural inventiveness. You are an individualist, but you are also attracted to mass movements that emphasize social betterment and you will devote much time and energy to their efforts. Very fair- minded and objective, you have extraordinary skills at organization and administration.



Saturn is in 27 Degrees Scorpio.

You tend to release emotional energies only very reluctantly. This is partly due to your fear of what horrible calamity might occur should they be released -- your emotions are terribly complicated and intense. Try not to repress these energies entirely, however, or you will succumb to negative and destructive forms of compulsive behavior. Give yourself the freedom to look awkward or silly once in a while. The relief you feel will be quite therapeutic and the embarrassment (whether it is real or imagined) will pass quickly.



Uranus is in 17 Degrees Sagittarius.

You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.



Neptune is in 02 Degrees Capricorn.

You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.



Pluto is in 04 Degrees Scorpio.

For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.



N. Node is in 22 Degrees Taurus.

It's not in your nature to seek out many casual acquaintances in your daily round of activities. You feel much more comfortable with a small, close-knit group of people -- those with whom you can relax and work toward known and clearly defined goals. Your loyalty to a person or group, once given, is forever -- you'll expend all of your quite considerable energy in seeing that the group stays together and prospers. You choose your partners and relationships so carefully that you're bound to gain certain advantages from them, including those of a material nature. Be careful though not to let mere self-service be your motivation in establishing your connections -- make sure that there's an even give-and-take!

Closed Letter to Someone

Dear Matthew,

There are nights like these every now and then.  They seem to be more frequent lately, but I have not been able to pinpoint why exactly that is.  There are a number of variables, and not all of them are under my control.  That last part is sort of frightening, because it means that there may be nothing that I can do about it.  It is quite literally "out of control."

Despite what some of my acquaintances believe, I am not a control freak.  I believe that you should exert as much control as you can over everything of which you have control.  This is a human thing.  As I become older and begin to become what I think may be called "a man," I observe that people are in fact not inherently good.  The most simple example of this is a baby.  A baby is truly self-obsessed, crying and causing a big scene every time it wants (not needs) anything.  A baby does not care about your need for sleep, or that you may be speaking to someone.  It wants your attention, and it demands it right this instant.  This is how people really are.  People are concerned only with their own well-being, naturally.  It is society that conditions us to believe that there is such thing as a "greater good," and even that is a fallacy.  That belief exists because it benefits individual people to have their society believe as a whole that there is an inherent value in taking care of and caring for an individual other than one's own self.  In reality, this belief in a greater good serves only the very top and the very bottom of society.  The people who receive the benefit directly are at the bottom (welfare, charity, etc), and the people on top benefit because it draws the "needy" away from them and they are therefore not distracted from their own pursuits.  Don't think that just because some people have made a complete life out of "self less" service and that such that my theory is disproved.  It only proves true that not everyone measures a benefit in the same way.

Do not forget that we will always fail to express the truth of our own insignificance.  Here we hurtle through the universe at incomprehensible speeds, and under the weight of tremendous forces that we only barely understand.  We are but one planet of an uncountable total of planets.  We are the tiniest fraction of a unit of time in the lifespan of the physical world.  So to make ourselves feel better, we create GodHeads and other cosmic distractions.  This mostly serves to make us feel special.  Like we were put here, in this very place, for a reason.  Once again, this does not bear out to be true.  Perhaps 0.000000001% of all people who have ever lived will be remembered by more than 50 people 100 years after their death.  And I have a feeling that I am being extremely generous in my estimate.

On nights like this one, I think we can run around the planet and save the physical life of every god-forsaken wretch who is born while we're alive.  We can do this.  We literally have the means to ensure that no one dies, quote-unquote, prematurely.  What the fuck does that mean, anyways?  Why do people seem to think it is less valid to die from cancer or a car accident than from a heart attack while you're 90 years old and asleep?  Humans never were meant to live this long anyway.  We used to die out in our 30s, then 40s, then 50s.  After our 50s, it's almost a joke.  With modern science we have been able to prolong our bodies well in to our 70s before things really start going wrong.  Our muscles fail, our organs fail, our bones fail.  We are built to fail.  We were meant to live hard and fast, all the way up until the point at which someone else is living even harder and even faster and we were just in the way.  We're barely animals anymore.  I look at myself in the mirror and think, "God, what an embarrassment," and I'm not even all that bad!

On nights like this one, I feel compelled to sell something, buy some gas, and drive away.  Pick a direction and drive.  Doesn't matter where.  Never stop driving.  And once I'm out of gas, start walking.  Same direction, just keep walking.  And when I can't walk, die.  Just lay there and die.  Why not?  What's the argument?  So much to live for?  A brilliant mind?  An ability to excel at every single thing that I attempt?  So what?  What the fuck is the point?  I can use my mind to solve the problems of everyone I know, and what have I achieved?  I have robbed them of the opportunity to use their own mind.  I can use my body to build homes and shelter those who have no shelter, but what is gained?  I have momentarily distracted them from their past lifetime of shit and their assured future of shit?  Why?  Even if that is a good thing, what does it matter?  Do not tell me that it is all we can do to help people in our lives while we're here and hope that we made some kind of impact.  Not an acceptable answer to me.  Fuck 'em.

I may only have proof of my intelligence being "top 2%," but I tend to think of myself as being in the general top 2% of people.  Meaning that I am not going to deny that I have several gifts that most people do not.  I am able to will things into being that other people could not have imagined in the first place.  I am able to manipulate my world and put people where they should be, and myself as well.  These things are tools in a toolbox that I carry with me everywhere I go.  Why?  A plumber has a monkey wrench, but a fat lot of good it will do him when he has to fix a broken window.  The problem is not problems.  The problem is enlightenment.  The problem is that I am not.  It is not true that love will (fill in the blank).  Love perpetuates hate.  It is true that if there were no love in the world, there too would be no hate.  People usually hate because they cannot love.  For those of us who are doing neither, I suspect we mostly just feel anger.  People tend to confuse anger with hate, because they think that we are angry at something that we hate.  This is not correct.  We just are angry.  It is like in Japan, where I understand that you would not really say to someone "I love you," but rather you'd say something along the lines of "loving" and the object person would infer that it is them who is putting you in that state.  This is how love works.  Or at least, this is how I remember love working.  It is a terrible place to be when you do not love anyone.  When you are a single atom floating through an otherwise voided vacuum, it occurs to you that there will be no reactions occurring.  There will be no chance collisions, and you will continue to be a single atom floating in a vacuum, until you off-gas or whatever enough to finally disappear.

What is the future plan?  Become a lawyer?  Make a ton of money? Fight for more rights for people? Or less rights for people?  Fight to write laws that save the planet?  Fight to write laws that perpetuate humans?  What is the point?  What is the point?  What is the point?  If I crashed my truck and ended up in the hospital,  who would be there?  Who would I want to be there?  Of those that I'd want there, how many would come?  How many would come without me calling them?  How many would demand others came, too?  What is the point?  What is the point?  What is the point?  Future feels distant and undesirable. 

On nights like this one, I listen to Lucero:

It's nights like these that make me sleep all day  

It's nights like these that make you feel so far away 

It's nights like these when nothing is for sure  

It's nights like these I don't want you anymore  

And I've only got this one wish  

That I was good enough to make you forget  

The only boy who ever broke your heart  

Cause nights like these tear me apart  

It's nights like these the sad songs don't help  

It's nights like these your heart's with someone else  

It's nights like these I feel like giving up  

It's nights like these I don't seem to care for much  

The beer tastes like blood and my mouth is numb  

I can't make the words I need to say  

She had a weakness for writers  

And I was never that good at the words anyways

It's on nights like this one that I look for something to hold on to, and it seems like there is not anything there.  It's on nights like this one that I realize how much I have accomplished, and how there has been nothing that I have really ever failed to accomplish.  To fail, you must first try, and for everything that I have ever actually tried to do, I have also succeeded.  My documented "failures" are all things that I never really tried to do.  Wouldn't this normally be the sort of thing that propels a person forward?

On nights like this one, I feel that it's all a big joke that no one else gets.

On nights like this one, the future feels like the past.  The path has been walked, and the lessons are already learned.  And what of it?  A very well informed corpse with a good understanding of the machinations of other corpses?  At best, yes.

Love,

Nathan