Karma and Eight Legs

I killed a spider tonight.

It had come in through the crack under the screen door.  We often leave the sliding door open, and just close the screen door, since it is still so nice outside, and Our Nancy is outside gardening.  It's annoying to have to open and close two doors every time you want to come in or out.  Anyways, I'm guessing it came in through the crack under the screen door.  I noticed it early on just hanging out in the door track on the floor.  I did not think too much of it, but made a note to pay attention to where it went. 

After a while, I peaked back towards where I had seen it, and noticed it was gone.  I grabbed one of my many flashlights and looked all around the base of the door, but did not see it.  I figured it must have gone back outside.

Twenty minutes later or so, we're all watching a dvd when I notice it has come back in, and is hanging out in the same place.  I announce its presence to Adam and Our Nancy, and Nancy suggests capturing it and putting it somewhere far away.  I make a mental note to do this, and we go on watching the dvd. 

At the end of the show, Adam and Our Nancy go to bed, and I remember that I never did anything with our surprise guest.  I grab the flashlight and find it pretty easily, although now it seems much jumpier, and is running unpredictably about.  It eventually stops running where the carpet meets the tv stand.  I go in to the kitchen to try to find an appropriate capturing dish when it hits me.  There is no way that I will be able to capture this thing.  I am mildly to moderately arachnophobic.  I do alright when there is a spider that is outside of arms length, or if it is a little tiny guy that I know is not dangerous.  However, when it comes to things like black widows or recluses, I get a little more jumpy.  The spider in question here was a brown sort of thing about the size of a quarter.  Perhaps bigger if all splayed out.  Certainly not gargantuan, but big enough to notice.  I realized that every time I tried to get close enough to place a container or something over it, my heart rate rose dramatically, and I was unable to ensure that I would not just accidentally drop the bowl or dish, which could break it and create a whole new problem. 

I picked up a dowel that we use to lock the sliding back door, and intended to smash the spider, but when it came time to do so, I felt again that I could not do it.  I then stared at the spider for an actual 15 minutes while I pondered the karmic implications of killing it.  I acknowledged that it was innocent, and had simply wandered in to our house on accident, or bad advice.  I also acknowledged that I had no idea whether or not it was at all dangerous, and that it was sort of my responsibility to protect unaware roommates from known dangers.  But is that a reason to kill it?  I just could not decide.  I tried to rationalize it by saying that I eat meat, and that is most likely not the most acceptable karmic act, either.

I sat there, staring at this spider, for 15 minutes.  I then went back in to the kitchen and tried to divine a new plan.  Nothing came to me, and when I went back, the spider began to run for it.  At first it hid behind a big empty plant jar that I have sitting next to the tv stand, but when I picked the jar up to look for it, it ran behind the tv stand.  I grabbed the wood dowel and held it, unsure of what I was doing, when suddenly it began running erratically.  This freaked me out, and I found, before I knew what I was doing, that I had smashed the spider with the dowel.

I immediately felt bad about this, and said a short prayer of apology to the dead spider.  I admitted that I had not intended for things to end that way, and that I was sorry if it was painful.

I worry now that there is some karmic retribution for this action.  However, I am also relieved to know that there is not a somewhat large, unidentifiable spider roaming around the house. 

Mostly, I am disappointed that I am still letting fear inform my decisions.  It is my hope to one day be free of fear and to be able to make all decisions with a clear and rational mind.

As for right now, though, I am going to sleep.