Note To Self

Make posts about:

Anna
Breanna
Sundin
Stephanie
Cori
Joelle
Giroux
Matt
Adam
Brian
Laura
Joe
Choir Girls
Francine
School Plans
Things I Want To Cure
Dee
Jess
Hiking
My Family
Skating
Football Tales
Movies that have made me cry
Poetry
Thoughts on: Sex, Drugs, Rock N Roll
Kissing
BiSexuality


And probably more stuff as well that I just can't think of now.
Goodnight.

“To have his path made clear for him is the aspiration of every human being in our beclouded and tempestuous existence”

Joseph Conrad

More of Who I Am

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Celebrities I Love

Here are some of my favorites. This is about lust, so Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley and the such are not represented, as I appreciate them in a different way.

Jessica Biel:




Mostly just her body really, though her face isn't like BAD or anything.

Amy Adams:


red hair...big eyes....mmmm

Scarlett Johansson:




A perfect body and an intriguing face. Unbelievable.

Lindsay Lohan:






The hair. The eyes. The freckles. The life failure. And even though I claim not to be a boob man, Lindsay for a long while had what I thought may be the perfect pair. Too bad she fucked up her body.

That's all for now. This post will be updated REGULARLY.

My type's phenotype

Bottom up:

Feet: Just SLIGHTLY larger than average, though not overly bone-filled or lean or sharp.

Calves: Larger than average, though not like fatty at all. I like a little muscle here.

Knees: No sagging.

Quads: Muscular shape, but no separation due to leanness.

Hamstrings: Muscle. Hook. It. Up. One of my favorite places. A nice curve. Mmm, tasty.

Butt: Thick due to muscular foundation, not fat. Cellulite not welcome here.

Waist: Smaller the better.

Stomach: I like to know that there is a six pack hiding under there, but I don't necessarily want to see it all the time. Just the side lines, and the oblique definition (another one of my favorite areas).

Boobs: Traditionally I pursue girls who are flat in the name of athleticism. I am not much of a breast man type (I prefer legs), but my ideal chick is otherwise athletic and lean with C cups. I don't like them too big. Although, Duffy might be edging up on some Ds. Side boob is one of the hottest things ever.

Arms: Um, what the fuck ever, so long as they aren't all flabby or trackmarked.



Here is a graphical representation of what I just described (my perfect female's body):



okay, so since it's apparently not obvious, this specimen is Jessica Biel

The revolution will have two wheels

I'm the first and only person in the history of Jesus' creation (the internet) to combine "AquaSource" and "014729" in the same website/page.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=
firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=
AquaSource+%2B014729&btnG=Search

Showerheads and conspiracy

So I was going to make an entry about my new showerhead, but I may have instead uncovered a massive cover up.

The brand is AquaSource. The Item/Article # is 014729. I bought it from Lowe's.

Lowe's doesn't even list the brand "AquaSource" on their website, and that item number brings nothing up. A Yahoo seach for "AquaSource 014729" yielded this:

"We did not find results for: AquaSource 014729. Try the suggestions below or type a new query above."

Not ONE single result? On the INTERNETS?!?! There are like two billion webpages per person on the earth, and not ONE of them used "AquaSource" and "014729"??? Not even the company that produces this thing?!

Worrisome.

So then I search just for "AquaSource" and find some hippy ass shit selling algae in a bottle (http://www.aquasource.co.uk/Products/products.html)

So then I search for "Aqua Source" and get "#
Aqua Source Irrigation of Atlanta. RainBird Select Contractor ...
Aqua Source Irrigation has earned a distinguished reputation in the residential ... Aqua Source Irrigation services a broad range of commercial and residential ...
www.aquasourcega.com - 8k - Cached "

Bullshit.

So THEN I try "Aqua Source Faucets" and get nothing helpful at all.

I look on the box for a website, and get only this: www.lgsourcing.com which turns out to be basically a non site, but it does show me that LG is just Lowe's distribution company, and probably also their manufacturer. I'm pretty sure that AquaSource is just Lowe's generic brand, but this is all very confusing.

Does my faucet even exist? I really just wanted to post a picture and an annoyingly wordy description of its capabilities, but that has proven to be an impossible task. More on this breaking development as it occurs.

"“My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”

-Mitch Hedberg

Keepin' up with the Asheez

So, unbeknownst to Ashee, and in direct opposition to her eventual advice, I totally responded to Erica's Facebook message by asking her out. I admitted that I'd been "secretly admiring [her] for the entire duration of this semester," and I called her "irresistible and intriguing" and something else equally Clark Gable-like (fuck you, Clark Gable's the shit). In any case, she said no. She said that she hated me and that I ought to just shit on my own face:

"As for Saturday... We could hang out sometime for sure, but I'm in this complicated sort of relationship with boy mentioned above...But yeah, learning some new restaurants would be cool. I'm not really a coffee person unless I need to be up for a few days straight, but I know some pretty chill places too. My friends are baristas around town and also attend some national coffee/latte art conventions each year. It's pretty cool.
Anyway, perhaps I will see you in class (assuming we both go... I might be hiking if the opportunity arises) on Monday. Who knows. Hit me up if you want to hang out :-)"

There were other things in there, too, but they were of no consequence to this entry.
Analyze as you see fit.

"It's New Year's Eve, I'm in Glendora
I'm the only living person in Glendora
Headin' east on the freeway
I left my prom dress on the busstop in Duarte
I switch the rules, you take advantage
You know I always like to play the victim
And would you fuck me? 'Cause I'd fuck me
Am I your wetnap?
Freestyle walkin'"

"Glendora" by Rilo Kiley

Duffy III

So I may have glimpsed something new. Duffy normally has what I consider to be a very obvious constant shield. She has become, maybe due to past experience, slightly jaded; a little sarcastic in a defensive way, and maybe a little self-conscious. However, I think that I may exist inside of the bounds of her defenses now. She acts a little differently than she used to. Her body language has changed. We flirt ferociously, and even physically. I stand abnormally close to her and look at her like Clark Gable probably looked at every girl that he then immediately had sex with. I mean, we don't immediately have sex, but she does send the same basic look my way. I suppose that it's more or less a "come hither" look, we just don't have any place to come OR hither, ya know? And we're also insultingly embarrassed of our disgusting bodies. Well, actually, she has huge boobs, but then so do I, and there just isn't enough space for both pairs.

"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."
Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) -Gone With the Wind

Julee II

I realized how little I entered about Julee. I think that this is because it's still a little too soon. I don't like reminiscing too much. It is slightly painful, at least. Instead of giving me an opportunity to put pieces together, it seems to push them farther apart. That's a lame expression, but it works. When I think about her, my brain does the same thing that it does when I think about The Lucky Eight: it induces massive sexual fluid release. Seminal fluid comes pouring out of every pore and covers those delicious chocolate-filled egg shell pirouettes like the delicious melted peanut butter/caramel and toffee bits that make me want to kill myself and holy shit that fuck hell was so good. So anyways, thinking about Julee is like December 2001, when we all WANTED to make terrorists/buildings/airplanes jokes, but felt like maybe it was still a little too soon for polite company to become aware of our truly pathetic selves. Real talk.

"How good it feels to be alive
And strive for your desire
Just cause you can't see your cage
Doesn't mean that you are free"

-Overcome (The Recapitulation) by RX Bandits

A Peek Into My Brain

So here's how my brain works:

I went after class to American Eagle at the new mall they built right near my house. I went to AE because Erica works there as a stock supervisor, and I wanted to try on a pair of pants.

I walk into the store and am not greeted. At all. I spend about 10 or 12 minutes browsing aimlessly with not a single person even attempting to approach me to help. I spend another three minutes becoming aware of the fact that there isn't a single pair of 36X30 pants anywhere in the store. I grab a random pair of the pants that I'd like to try on and approach what turned out to be the store manager. She confirms that they do not carry that size (though they do carry 36X32, and 34X30). I then ask her if I could try on a particular pair in 36Xanything. She agrees:

Manager: "Erica, can you bring me a pair of pants..."
Me: "Is that Erica ****??? Tell her Nathan says hi"
Manager: "Mumbly bumblies...Nathan...mumblerz...she says that she'll be right out"

So I walk around a little bit and took a bunch of stuff. Erica comes walking out with a couple pairs. She has a nose ring javascript:void(0)that I've never noticed before:

Erica: "Hey!"
Me: "Hey! I've never noticed your nose ring before"
Erica: "Oh yeah, I actually just got it yesterday"
Me: "Oh, I like it...it looks good"
Erica: "Thanks" *looks over shoulder*
Me: "Are you busy?"
Erica: "Sort of, we got a huge shipment of boxes today, and my personal goal is to get them all in stock tonight."
Me: "Oh, okay" *discouraged, for some reason* "Well, can I ask you something real quick?" *intending to ask her out*
Erica: "Yeah, what's up?" *hint of excitement? maybe*
Me: *suddenly anxious* "What did we do today? I missed class. Did I miss anything important?" *ashamed, maybe noticeable physically*
Erica: *something* "Oh, no, there was a presentation"
Me: "a FOOD presentation?!" *realize that makes me sound pathetically addicted to food* "What region??"
Erica: "Indonesia"
Me: *legitimately surprised* "Oh...I guess that's cool"
Erica: "Yeah, it was alright...alot of cinnamon though" *disgusted face*
Me: "I love cinnamon!" *realize that this isn't even necessarily true; want to kill self for idiocy*
Erica: "Eh, it's okay, but there was just so much of it"
Me: "Ah, thaz no good" *why the hell did I just say "thaz"???*
Erica: "Yeah, okay, so do you need a dressing room?"
Me: "Yeah" *no*
Erica: "Well, it was nice that you came in! I'll see you"
Me: "Mumble mumble, byeeee" *I'm an idiot*

I then actually do try on the pants. Surprisingly, the 36X32 actually fits really well, even lengthwise. Weird.

I walk out of the dressing room area then with the two pairs folded up in my arms, and I see Erica with her purse on her shoulder standing at a computer with her manager standing next to her.

*Is she trying to get out of here before I get out of the dressing room?*

Erica: "Hey, how'd they fit?"
Me: "Actually really well"
Erica: "Really?!"
Me: "Yeah, I was surprised"
Erica: "Hmm...so you coming in reminded me that I need to go on my lunch" *is she suggesting that I go on her break with her?*
Me: "Oh, okay..." *notice manager standing awkwardly next to me*
Erica: "You can buy those over at that register if you want"
Me: "Oh, okay"
Erica's manager: "I'll walk you out" *did Erica just get escorted away from me? Maybe she told her manager that i'm creepy and to help her get out of there before I started talking to her again*

I then say bye and don't see quite exactly where she went. I stand in line for a few minutes, and then end up just handing the pants to the register girl and walking away.

I figure that maybe Erica wanted to get away from me. Who knows though, until I get home and get this message on Facebook:

"It's cool you came in. I was going to take my lunch (which I totally forgot about) and stick around so I didn't seem so hectic, but my boss shooed me out. So I just went and got pierced. But yeah, you didn't miss anything in class. Just a presentation really."

Which makes sense, because she went across the way to Icing, which is like wannabe richer Claire's. I'm stuck on this part:

"I was going to take my lunch (which I totally forgot about) and stick around so I didn't seem so hectic, but my boss shooed me out."

Doesn't that mean that she took her lunch with the intention of hanging out with me? Am I totally off base on this? Was the boss a nuisance to both of us? By the way, the boss was a girl, not a guy.

Let me know.

A Loving Universe Is Not Enough

Acknowledgment of a loving universe is not always enough. Especially when that acknowledgment is a hidden denial of the necessity for human experience. I am a physically dependent person with an addictive family history. I am addicted to physical connection, if not emotional ones as well. However, at the moment, I am concerned with the scarcity of contact in my world. I have a feeling that I probably worry some friends (female) with the frequency and duration of physical contact that I seek from them. I hug hello. I hug goodbye. In between, I sneak little bits of skin; just enough to satiate me, and keep me alive. I hope that they don't always perceive this as a come on, as it only very rarely is. I am Superman, and the sun is touch. I feel that the bags under my eyes swell and droop and reveal my facial bones. The sadness is obvious in my brow, and I think my hands begin to shake. This must be apparent to others. I have come to believe that I would lay in a bed with just about any person, provided they were warm and assured.

Rich Girl

I think that I'll start writing about Lauren as Rich Girl, because that's what people in my real life know her as.

I'm going to go to Green (vegan restaurant) with her this Friday. I don't think that it's a date, but I guess we'll see.

Ha, that's all I can say for now. I have to go to class now. Bye!

Erica

I went and saw Erica at American Eagle tonight. Just sort of to see her, I suppose. She works as a stock supervisor, and they happen to not carry ANY pair of pants in their store in my size (36X30). As it turns out, their 36X32 actually fits me. Anywho, she looked really good, and wasn't as tall as I had pictured. I may actually ask her out next week in class. We'll see. Did I ever make an entry about her? Oh, well, maybe I'll do that later.

3D tattoo test drive

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/test-drive-your-tattoo/cg-tattoo-program-allows-you-to-try-it-before-you-buy-it-322938.php

GTIII update

So I'm up to the battle against the devil on expert. It's "Devil Went Down To Georgia," but all the parts are redone in a hard rock style. It's hard. Like way hard. After I beat that, I will have officially unlocked "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce, but really, Louis already cheat coded it open. I can beat it on Hard, and we beat it on a Hard/Medium co-op. But expert is way harder. I think that I can conceivably finish it as soon as I can just get past the intro, which is deceptively hard. I've so far only made it 3%, but that's almost the entire intro, so once I get that shit done, I think that I'll be able to survive the rest of the song, even though the solos are harder than hell. We'll see.

More on Duffy

Here's the dilly (this was a comment response, but it was long enough to warrant its own entry):

Todd is the manager. He lives with his girlfriend Debra.

Duffy is a supervisor. She and Todd began working at the Bean at the same general time years ago, and Todd brought her with him when he was given his own store to manage.

I suspect that she secretly loves him. Other people also suspect this, others say that they are just really good friends. Todd would never make a move, I don't think.

In the end, honestly, I could lose this job and not lose much. If it was THAT awkward, I could quit, and find another job that paid as well, or I could even transfer stores or something.

Now, I'm not saying that I'd be willing to risk my livelihood for the love of the Duffster or whatever, but should the POSSIBLE FUTURE awkwardness deter me from experiencing something in the PRESENT?

Portal Song

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's Science to do.
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE (x2)

Duffy

So I work with Duffy. She is one of the supervisors. I can't tell, but I'm pretty sure we've been flirting.

I didn't like her a whole lot while I was a customer, honestly. I mean, I didn't DISlike her, but she wasn't my favorite girl there.

I think that she secretly loves our manager Todd. This used to worry me, but then I remembered how many people I secretly love, so I don't hold it against her anymore.

Is it weird to date someone you work with? Leave comments

“Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking,
Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.”

-Leanne Womack

I H8 Louis

Louis just broke the internetz. I'm stealing the neighbor's. I h8 Louis.

Erin

Where to begin?

First love of life, most likely. Advent of love, in fact. 2nd grade introduction to wonder and appreciation. I remember new emotions, like jealousy and desire. I hated Andy because I thought he had her. Turns out he didn't, though I still think that he could have. I turned to art for the first time ever. I drew the thing that I couldn't imagine and that I would have hated to have known (Andy and Erin having sex, though they both had penises, and one of them was floating above the other. It didn't really make sense, but it was the thought that mattered; and it got me in trouble, just like a grown up artist). It occurs to me that this really WAS the first time I had done this thing, and that it is something that I now do often. I find catharsis in facing fear or hatred or ugly evil, even if I have to create it first. That is, I might have to draw or paint or write this thing that I'm afraid of before I really realize that I'm actually afraid of it. So Erin may have introduced me to art as well. She has been my apparent host here. The person who announces my arrival. I didn't know that until just now, which is another example of her influence.

In 2nd grade I went to Las Vegas with my family. I think that I've told this story before. We were on a people mover or a conveyor belt or just walking next to a long picture window that opened up onto a man made lake with a volcano in it. This must have been at the Mirage where they have a volcano show with fire on the water. At some point I was able apparently to throw a coin in. The coin contained all of my love, and everything that I knew of prayer. I sincerely begged the volcano god to put me and Erin in the same class every year from then all the way through college, and then I secretly (even more secretly than this silent wish already) wished that we'd get married.

I still love her, and I'm sure that I'd do anything she asked me to do. She has experienced shit, and her life is so empty, that it almost makes me angry. Paul died, and killed a large portion of her. The bags under her eyes are my monument to him, and they will seemingly never let me forget him or his impact on her. If I were to want her to love me, I am not sure that I'd ever be convinced that I had 100% of her. She belongs to him still, and I do not know how to help her let go; I'm not sure if she's ready to yet.

It was always understood (by her and I) that she and Paul would end up together after he cleaned up.

Erin became the watermark for beauty, and my standard. She had a lean physique, like a drawing in my mind. She had jutting hips and long sinews of limbs that complimented her features and her hair, which appeared to be of a greenish tint. I know now that it was not green, but I seem to always see the hair of girls that I like as colors that it is not. That is extremely difficult to explain, but basically when I think of Erin, I picture her from eighth grade in front of a classroom that never existed, and her hair is light brown, but my brain looks at it and says "Green." I mean, it knows that it is light brown, but my brain SAYS "green." It's weird. Same thing happens when I picture Julee, only sometimes it's green and sometimes it's auburn.

On to 3rd grade, I don't remember Erin here, because Ms. Loyola was so hot that my memory was wiped clean. Okay, now 4th grade. Erin got me in trouble once, and I got detention. During recess she sat with me on the bench, which actually got her in trouble. I don't even think we spoke during that time we shared on the wooden bench. Okay, now on to 5th grade.

In 5th grade, I was sort of born. I decided that, for reals, I liked girls, and that was okay. At some point, I dated Laura. Maybe more about that later, I'm not sure yet. Also though, this is when Erin became the most sought after girl in our class. Every guy sort of simultaneously decided that Erin had it, and that we all wanted it. That sounds gross, but that's how it was; we didn't even know what it was, frankly. We just all sort of realized that she was hot and cool, and that we'd be hotter and cooler for being closer to her.

At some point, I wrote a note to Erin. It was neon green on one side, and white on the other. On the white side, I drew a skull that I largely lifted from a shirt I saw at Miller's Outpost, and I wrote "ERIN" in crappy Olde English lettering. I wrote something like, "Will you go out with me?" and then, "Yes/No Why/Why not?" and THEN "PS I really like you alot" (and the whole PS part was circled). I'm mostly excited that I asked "Why?" as in, "Yes? You WILL go out me? WHY?! What the hell's wrong with you?" Oh, and I wrote my name on the bottom, too. So yeah, I was a pretty smooth operator. I gave this note to Daniel to give to Erin (side note: Daniel was Erin's first kiss), which he did. Erin claims NOW that she wrote a note back that said "Yes," but I certainly didn't receive it. Her postulation is that Daniel didn't give me the note because of his jealousy (Daniel also liked Erin). I don't know, though, that's pretty convenient. So in the end, we never went out. Her loss. No, that's not true. My loss.

In sixth grade, I was completely smitten and in love with her. I called her all the time; enough even to be banned from calling by her mother. She dated Adam, one of my two best friends at the time, which actually really made me angry, but I didn't let anyone know. This was the height of my frustration.

In seventh and eighth grade I became more friendly with Elizabeth, and less with Erin. Those two did not like each other very much. I still secretly loved Erin, and wrote notes to her and stuff, but I was not as close to her as I used to be. Had she asked, I'm sure that I would have dropped everyone else for her.

High school was black days. We spoke rarely. She went to the all girl school across town. We grew apart. We came back together senior year, when we both worked at the rectory at St. Francis Xavier. We didn't like completely "rekindle," because she was with George, and I was with Julee, and we didn't always work together, but we became friends again.

We've sort of stayed friendly since then, and have recently (the past year or so, especially since Julee and I broke up) become very close. Inextricably close; perhaps symbiotically, at least on my end. My well-being these days involves her, even though we don't talk EVERY day anymore. I still love her as much as I did in 2nd grade, and in the same confusing way. I am perpetually secretly in love with her, though I am willing to hide that away for her benefit. It may be better for her that I am only her friend. I am okay with that, if that is what is truly best for her. I have only her best interest in mind.

to be continued...

The Ashy Ashleez

Ashlee wanted to leave, so I told her she could come here. We played massage and layabout and dinner. I had work the next morning, so I left her creamy corpse on someone else's bed and slung beans. She stuck around and "cleaned" my house (aka picked up a single piece of usable ware and made it into trash). Then after work we Chil[l]i[ed] for lunch. We also grabbed some iced gut death, and she bought Guitar Hero III (GHIII) for [louis and] I, but mostly less of the []. She loves me. I found out later that Erin had also bought GHIII for L&I, and was thusly very angered by this. But that's not what this is about.

My homage to Ashlee'z kindness was that I named my career after her: "The Ashy Ashleez". Louis did the same thing: "Baseline Rapi$t", I think because Ashlee'z buxom proportions inspire intense almost uncontrollable lust and desire. L&I also started a co-op career as "2 Crude Beez," which is code for "Two C-Cup Boobs," aNOTHER reference to Ashlee. Actually, I made that last one up. 2 Crude Beez doesn't mean anything.


“Gaily the Troubadour
Touched his guitar.”

Thomas Haynes Bayly

Time is [not] on my side

I manage always to pull things off. I am a master of bullshitting without lying, and a keeper of time. I have written papers in one hour that took others days. I cannot, however, account for the vengeance of deities; those who hate my arrogance. I cannot say no to a friend who has nothing left but death. I cannot say no to a friend who needs an escape that I can offer. I cannot say no to Guitar Hero III (I might have an addiction). What am I doing now? I'm not working on papers. I'm not studying what I missed because I didn't go to class. I'm watching reds and yellows and feeling the cancerous insurgence. Guilt seems appropriate for one who thinks that maybe there really IS nothing left for some. Does it matter that they are victims of their own designs? I don't think so. Pity. Mercy is for all. I wonder how much I have left. Suffering for the sake of a definition? I hope it's more than that. Someday I'll be rich and I'll just buy my clarity and clear my mind with deluges of shiny shiny things. Can't we just be in a place because someone would like us to be in that place? Buildings are imposing, frightening, we feel them. We are all buildings, and we are all immovable. Let the people in our lives find their way to our giant mirrored windows. All we have to do is not fall down.



"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Challenge and Defeat

(I'll update about Ashlee a little later).

I find that in my life I seek out defeat. I don't mean that I like to lose, or that I have a defeatist personality. I mean that when it comes to athletics and exercise and sports and such, I like difficulty. Of course. Therein lies the point of the activity I suppose. I've always found that I'm an above average athlete. With a sort of minimal exertion I can usually exceed the average standard. For this reason, certain sports can become sort of "boring" for me, and I seem to be drawn to those at which I do not immediately excel. Case in point: running.

I am not a very good runner, nor have I ever been. Even when I only weighed 150, I still was not very quick or particularly blessed for distance. The quickest mile that I ever ran was about 7:30 or so, and the longest distance that I ran completely (without large stretches of walking) was 10k (6.2 miles), and that still took me about an hour and 20 minutes. Now that I am 60-75 pounds heavier, running has become even harder for me. I can run a maxed out mile in about 9:56 or so now, and i can only run an outright two miles without stopping for a walk break. I have decent biomechanics, I think, and above average cardiovascular conditioning (this may be a genetic thing, as I have good conditioning even when I'm very out of shape). The problem now is just moving this much weight for a long period of time. I ran/walked a 10k last May with my brother in about 1:40 or so, which is crazy slow. I just did 7.05 miles or so last week, but it took me about 1:50.

Athletes are interesting. They are very aware of the aging process, as they can see on paper how much they have slowed down. A runner can see exactly how much they have aged by seeing how much their mile time has dropped. They may see exactly how much older they have become by examining their pain levels in the 22nd mile of the marathon. It must be an odd sensation, knowing precisely how much less you are than you were, or at least how different you are. In his new book, "Again to Carthage," the sequel to his cult classic, "Once a Runner," John L. Parker's character Denton explains it to the protagonist Cassidy this way:

"...Your average citizen isn't that connected to the physical realm. Builders, farmers, your grandfather probably was more
than most, In an older time, with say manual agriculture or hunting-gathering, you always knew how much less you could
carry than a year ago. Believe me, when dinner depends on running game to the ground, you notice pretty quick when it
starts to get harder."
"You've done some thinking about this."
"You will, too. Modern civilian though, things happen too slowly to notice. Jeeminy, when did the basement steps get me
wheezing? Am I old or just out of shape? And if you were never IN shape, is there any difference?"
"Whereas we can just watch ourselves slowing down like there's a gauge on the dashboard."

This sounds scary and sad, but isn't NOT knowing even more frightening? The phrase "Am I old or just out of shape? And if you were never IN shape, is there any difference?" is particularly en pointe. I think that I'd like to experience life, and experience the slow decline thereof as well.

Running also has an interesting dynamic. It takes me at least two miles before my body really wakes up and decides that it wants to keep moving. This isn't the second wind. The second wind usually hits me at around mile 6 or so, which is unfortunately also about the time that my feet are hurting too much for me to keep moving forward, and I'm already largely on my way home. I am excited though that one day this won't happen until mile ten or more, and so I will be able to enjoy the second wind. For those who don't know, there is a discernible point during the run at which you are exhausted and then seemingly become re-energized or reinvigorated or something. You are still tired, but it seems like a switch was flipped and you are now running on new fuel. It's enjoyable, and I've only experience it with running. With cycling it seems like you have one peak right before the halfway point in the ride and then it is a slow decline into painful hell until you stop. Running has that double peak that I yearn for.

I have only enjoyed a runner's high two or three times in my life. The first two were back in the 160 pound days while I was running around Piestewa (read: Squaw) Peak. It was a 3-4 mile loop, or a 5 mile wandering trail that I liked to do, I don't remember which. Anyways, I became euphoric and exhilarated and felt like I could not run fast enough to match this feeling. It was amazing. The latest time actually happened on a treadmill during a 1.5 mile tempo run at 24Hour Fitness. At 1 mile in, with .5 mile to go, running at about 90% effort (7 mph, I think), I experienced a distinctly physical high. I noticed that my respiratory muscles began to burn, and I was expecting that painful near-cramping, vomit-inducing pain that accompanies high exertion. On the contrary, I felt a blood rush like what I used to get form powerlifting, and my entire upper torso and shoulders (diaphragm, intercostals, pecs, all neck muscles, anterior delts, and lats) felt amazing. It was not the mind altering high of the trail runs, but an almost orgasmic physical sensation. I felt like I never wanted to stop, but unfortunately had to get back home to shower and go to class, so I had to. I have had trouble recapturing that same feeling, but I am certainly trying.

I'm not sure where I intended to go with this entry, and I seem to be just rambling and jumping around randomly. My point is that running is not natural for me, and I seek out it's defeats as they keep me hungry. This is necessary for me, though other people get discouraged easily by those things, and should then find easier forms of exercise. I'll end this entry with another excerpt from "Again to Carthage," this one being thoughts coming to Cassidy as he does a tempo run through wooded trails:

"Picking his way carefully along the trail, he thought about something he had read about the great alpine climbers. As
children, they grew up surrounded by a vast landscape of unattainable peaks. As they grew older, stronger, and more
skillful, when they looked up, they saw more and more places they had been to and to which they could not return at will.
That zone of accessibility would grow and grow over the years until the very best of the guides could stand in the village
squares and turn full circle, searching the horizon in vain for some tiny forbidden aerie they had not conquered, some
remote crag beyond their powers.

It would have to be a wonderful and prideful thing, to feel so thoroughly at home in such a daunting and beautiful
landscape. But as they grew older, the climbers who survived would find that some peaks were difficult again, some climbs
strangely taxing, some routes quite impossible. They would realize, to their surprise, that the process was reversible;
that it was, in fact, reversing.

You could see them, the aged former heroes sitting sadly in the village square, turning full circle to gaze at a frozen world
once again inaccessible to them."

Oh, and this quote from Plato would be good here as well, just as a self-caution:

"The mere athlete becomes too much of a savage, the musician is melted and softened beyond what is good for him. The two should therefore be blended in the right proportion."

Danette

Danette was Korey's friend. Korey owned the house at which my then band practiced (her parents/neighbors were pretty understanding). Korey was friends with AJ and Vic who were the guitarist and singer, respectively, in this band (The Virgin Yard, by the way). So anyways, this was during my freshman year of college during the portion of time that I Julee and I were broken up. Danette was very charming, and still rather young; she was naive, but not stupid. I liked that she hoped for the best from people, but already knew that most guys were generally shit, and would treat her poorly. She was busty and cute, though like with many of the girls that I call "cute," I was apparently the only guy who thought so. High school and college aged people generally have very underdeveloped appreciation for beauty, especially that which is steeped in nuance. Danette was this type: full of promise and defined by her subtlety.

We sort of flirted a little while the band played, and we would continue said flirting during band breaks. Eventually, Korey told me that I should ask Danette to her prom (reminder: at this point, I'm a freshman in college, Danette is a Junior at my old high school, where Julee is a senior). I instead take Danette out a few times. I don't really remember exactly all of what we did, but I know that we drove quite a bit. I loved driving at the time, and I would take her to places that she hadn't seen before, or places that were really dark, which is always exciting. I remember driving through a neighborhood full of gardens. We had the windows down so that we could smell the sweet aromas drift lazily through the desert development. I saw a large stand of bougainvillea that stood out among the low lying daisies and roses. I stopped my truck abruptly, jumped out and broke off a decent sized little branch covered with lush purple petals and got back into the truck, where I presented it to Danette. This was, obviously, the sweetest thing ever. A few of the petals fell off in my truck, where they stayed until my father unwittingly threw them away one day weeks later.

One day Danette for some reason or another had driven to the townhouse which I lived in with Louis. Frankly, I don't really remember why, but it ended up with us at my back gate in front of her car. I was holding her by the waist, and she had her hands around my shoulders. I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed back. I did it once more, same thing. Then I attempted the third, and probably more involved (read: open mouthed) kiss, and she backed off. I let her go sort of gracefully, and with the least amount of embarrassment or awkwardness possible. We said goodnight, and she left.

After that, we sort of cooled off. I still don't entirely understand why, honestly. She says that I backed off after that, and that she assumed it was because of the kissing thing. I said that SHE backed off, and I assumed that it was because I was either a terrible kisser, or I was somehow moving too quick for her. Didn't matter really, we still remained friends, and I still planned on going to the prom with her (oh yeah, I had asked her at some point between the dates).

Before I asked her, I checked with Julee. I didn't want to cause any trouble, and I figured that the best way to do that would be to ask Julee if she was okay with me going to her prom with Danette. Julee told me that she didn't care, so I went ahead and asked Danette.

Danette, Korey, AJ, and myself went all together in my dad's 72 Caprice. I remember that I let my then hair stylist (Hope) do my eyebrows. She did a terrible job, and I looked ridiculous, but I'm over it now.

Once at the actual prom, it became pretty clear to everyone that Julee was really NOT alright with me being there. This coupled with the fact that Julee wore the exact same dress as Julia (she gets a tag, now). So after talking a little bit, a massively offensive date swap was worked out, and I swapped dates with Josh who had come with Julee. He agreed to take care of Danette, who didn't seem too offended to be swapping. Now, this was in my earlier days, before I could really read people all that well, so don't blame me for my idiocy. Of course Julee wasn't okay with me going to her senior prom, even if she said that she was okay with it. Of course Danette wouldn't be okay with me dumping her at prom to go back with my ex girlfriend, and then pawning her off to the guy that said ex had come with.

I honestly feel pretty bad about the whole thing now. I wonder though if Julee and I would have gotten back together if it weren't for that prom. At the same time though, would Danette and I have persevered if I hadn't gone? Maybe. Weird.

Danette is one of those girls that I sort of wish I had a second shot with. I still think that she is gorgeous, and she was so nice that I think I would have really liked a better chance to get to know her. I guess that timing just doomed us. I think that she is in a pretty serious relationship with some guy that she met in college. Too bad. She falls in with Marissa and a few others on my "Would like a second/better shot."

"Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools."

William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

Bedrock

Is it better to have a relationship based on mutual reflection and examination of each other's pasts, or on hopeful anticipation of your combined futures? Or is it better to focus on the precise present; to have no recollection nor foresight?

Commitment

Can you really commit to more than one thing? As I was thinking more about previous weights and shapes lifted and carried, it occurred to me that it's about not much more than commitment. When I was at my strongest, it was because I was totally committed to being strong. When I was at my leanest, it was because I was totally committed to beinglean. Now that I am doing better in school than I ever have before, it is because I am foremost concerned with my school performance, above other things. Is this how it has to be? Can I only be successful in one thing at a time? Or is this only a consequence of a strained schedule? If that is true, it is not comforting, as I have another 5-10 years of fairly intensive schooling and such.

There are many things that i'd like to be associated with; a successful student, a long distance runner, an effective powerlifter, a size 32 waist, for example. I don't like the idea of any of these things defining me, though. I do not want to be A long distance runner any more than I want to be A successful student. I want them both. I want to be defined by the tremendous breadth of my talents, and the degree to which I have mastered them, but it seems increasingly hard. To be a successful student, I need to devote a large portion of my time to studying and homework, which cuts back on available time for running and working out. To be a successful powerlifter or bodybuilder, I need to spend a large portion of my time cooking and eating and resting. To be whatever else, I need time to do whatever. It comes down to time, I guess. Time management? I don't know. I don't think that I want to live on a schedule again. It worked well for me at the time, but I also had a steady girlfriend, so I didn't need to really have any time for generic socializing. I sort of just scheduled her in when we both had a block open. This worked, but only because we both were sort of strained for time, and it was the only time that we were both available anyways.

Do I live on a grid? Do I want to? It's harder now, since my work schedule changes a bit every week, and it is going to change drastically into this Holiday season. So do I use that excuse to spend the rest of this semester retaining time and focus on school, and start a new focus during December? Who knows? I think that I'm going to open Excel now.

"There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or out. There's no such thing as a life in-between."
-Pat Riley

Amber

Okay, so Amber sits next to me in EXW325. She has the most amazing skin tone ever, and her eyes are incredible to boot. She has a slight goofiness to her, which makes me think that she probably doesn't get hit on a whole lot. So anyways, I am not a freak about it or anything, but I throw her a compliment every now and then, and I went full bore on it like a week ago. I told her something along the lines of "Can I tell you something? No matter how you're dressed, or what you've done with your hair, you always look so beautiful." She responded with like, *blush/smile* "I'm usually just wearing pajamas or something" (this isn't even really true, by the way), to which I then said "I know, that's why I'm so impressed." Ashlee thinks that this was lame of me, and that Amber probably thinks I'm creepy now. I have evidence to the contrary however. So ha, read on Ashlee bitch.

I was sitting in class, waiting for the professor to get there, and Amber came in and sat down. Now, normally, I'd say something like "Hi, how are you doing?" and then not really talk to her much after that. NOW though, after last week's love fest, SHE says "Hey, how're you doing?" to which I responded sort of lightly, and returned the question, then she sort of pushed a conversation, and we talked about her knees and her horses and stuff. It was nice, and she is very pretty. Of course, this would have been a good time to ask her out, and see really how far she was, but I didn't want to risk the chance of proving Ashlee right, so I didn't.

Oh, and I also talked a lot to Lauren beFORE class, but sort of decided that I think I'd rather be just friends with her. I asked her to go to dinner with me, but as friends. We might go this weekend.

"We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes."
-John F. Kennedy

A History in Pictures

So it occurred to me that I'd almost lost all of my previous bodybuilding and powerlifting related pictures when my computer crashed a little while back. So, I'm going to post some of my favorites for posterity.

APRIL 2004







These pictures are from essentially my smallest point. I'd been dieting and working out for about 5 or 6 months I believe.

AUGUST 2004



This was my thickest point, after a Summer of bulking and working out very hardcore.

APRIL 2005







These pictures were probably of my best combined form. I was thick, but also relatively lean. I would love to get back to this point. I was at this point, only a little more muscular, when I broke my ankle the following August.

"Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray"
Creep - Stone Temple Pilots

Leslie

I met Leslie when I was about 17 and playing drums in Fountain Hills. She was only 14 at the time, and the niece of our band director, Jackie. She looked far older than 14, and sort of hit me off guard. She was so beautiful that a spotlight from the heart of God literally glowed around her wherever she walked. She acted sort of bitchy and quiet, but it was only because she was sick, although she denies this now. I remember thinking that she was one of the most beautiful girls that I'd ever seen at that point in my life.

We worked together for a long while before I really started talking to her. I mostly just creeped her out and sat by myself for a year or so. Eventually we started talking before mass began, and found that we got along fairly well, although she can be pretty caustic, which sometimes hurts me, because i'm pretty sensitive.

From the beginning, she was dating this guy, Stevie. I always joked about how with other girls I didn't mind that they had boyfriends, because I was better than their collective boyfriends, and that I could win them away if I wanted. However, the kick was that with Stevie, I was bested. He was slightly cuter than me, taller, liked good music, AND was a better drummer. He also treated her well, so I had nothing to be optimistic about. That's fine though, I was just happy that she was with someone who treated her well.

In May 2006, she and Stevie had apparently been broken up for a little while, so I decided that I should at least tell her what was up. So I did. I told her everything, and held absolutely no detail out, not matter how pathetic or embarrassing it was. I told her how beautiful I REALLY thought she was, and I used the words that I wanted to use, or at least the words that I use in my head. She was appreciative, but she and Stevie had already reconnected and were now back together. I told her that it was alright, and that I was just glad that she knew, and that I wasn't going to be awkward about it, so she shouldn't either. The next week at mass, I brought her some flowers and thanked her again for not being all weirded out. Oddly, this whole episode brought us much closer together. I think that it was actually because I also analyzed her at her request. It is something that I am sometimes able to do. I called her out, and told her things about herself that she was unaware that I knew. Things that I was just able to deduce. I so completely nailed who she really was that it scared and excited her. I think that it convinced her that I would be a valuable ally, and so we became better friends.

By the time that I moved to East Campus (Fall 2006), we were very close, and she had no problem talking to me about everything in her life. At one point she called me at like midnight, and we talked for about four hours. This happened again a few days later. Then, it happened almost every night for two solid weeks. It was weird; it almost felt like cheating. I told her things that I wasn't comfortable telling Julee, for example. Then, all of a sudden, she said that we couldn't do that any more because she just didn't think it was fair to Stevie, or that she felt like she was wronging him. What this secretly says to me is that she started to have feelings for me, but felt loyalty to Stevie, and so called it off. Very upstanding.

All through this I WAS dating Julee. I'm not sure if I think it was wrong. I mean, I don't plan on telling her, because I know that it would indeed hurt her, and for that reason, I think that I probably should not have done it to begin with. In all honesty, there were a few points when I would have left Julee had Leslie only asked (right after the epiphany, and in the midst of the midnight phone calls). I think that I would have regretted doing it, but I would most likely have done it nonetheless.

Leslie and Stevie eventually broke up (I think the following Spring). She has since become an entirely different person (this was actually sort of formative in my thoughts regarding Julee's need for freedom). She sees the world differently, and is now actually exploring her possibilities. I like her less now, honestly, but every so often she makes me melt. She abuses our friendship and forgets easily, so I have had to create a certain amount of distance just to protect myself. She is now dating a guy named Joe who looks just like me only slightly smaller (though also less muscular), and slightly cuter. He also isn't as charming as I am. But i'm not bitter or anything.

Oh, she also managed to find the literal perfect man:
He was tall (like 6'2" I believe)
He was handsome (no fucking joke, like model hot)
He was a dancer (a number of styles, including break and spanish)
He was incredibly rich (self made millionaire at 21)
He was super nice and willing to go to great lengths on her behalf

For some reason, things with this guy just didn't work out. Anyways, that's about all now. She is gaining weight, which is unfortunate, because she gains it awkwardly. She gets fat arms first. Then she gets the rest in her legs (including ankles/calves). She still looks great, and her waist is still pretty tiny, but she just doesn't wear heels as well as she used to.

She is still a watermark when it comes to my evaluating girls physically, even though I feel like she has sort of abandoned me, or that I am more of an annoyance in her life than an actual friend. We'll see how this all turns out.

"Angel, you can come and see me here tonight
Angel, of course you're always more than welcome here
Still I'm needing somebody else… again"

Angel - Iggy Pop

Does this make sense?

Girls tend to tell me, as Ashlee recently did, that i'm some sort of otherwise perfect guy. This usually boils down to me being an above average listener, a compassionate confidant, a preternaturally feministic full-on male, and not completely ridiculously hideous. Apparently, my views on sex and intimacy are more female in nature, which most chicks squirm about. However, with all of this in mind, no girls seem to jump at the opportunity to snag me, and none seem to want to set me up with their friends. I have a feeling that it's really the whole "not completely ridiculously hideous" thing, which translates to "eh, he's got a good personality," which then really translates to "he's really not that good looking." All girls will then refute this assessment, but come on now, you can't hide your lying eyes. This is the confusion that is my constant romantic life. All girls tell me constantly how they wish they could find a guy like me, or that they wish their boyfriend was more like me, or that they wish I wasn't seeing anybody (obviously, this happened when Julee and I were still together). Three wishes, no genies; consider it granted. Then why do I sleep alone in this cold bed? Why, now that I'm available, no one comes running, even when I ring that fucking triangle bell? No one says, "You'd be perfect for my friend." All I hear NOW is how I'm not their friend's type, or they're not mine. This is fairly frustrating, of course. Some of my friends try to explain this by saying that their friend isn't good enough for ME. This is bullshit. I don't believe it for a second. I wish that they'd just be honest and be like "listen, if you lose some weight and maybe clear up a little, then I'll consider it, but for now you just aren't cutting it." I can deal with that. It might even convince me to commit to changing, which I still have a few issues with. Stop lying to me.

"I'm ok, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this
Prison cell

Some day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Find me somebody to love."

Somebody to Love - Queen

Zolee part one

So I just got off the phone with Zolee. I tried calling her twice this weekend, but got her voicemail both times, so I was just about to write her off when I saw "[Zolee]" light up on my phone's LED screen. We had a decent conversation about a wide range of first conversation topics: "Why the hell would you move TO arizona?" "You're from Florida? Oh, I hated Florida." "You've lived here for four months and haven't even been hiking, and it's because you don't know where to go? Oh, well I will not take this opportunity to ask you out for a hike. Instead, I'm just going to berate you." Those things and others. Anywho, her phone sucks. I think that it is still serviced from Florida, because it had a shit connection, and there was an obvious delay on the line, or she was dumb and had to take a second to comprehend my hilarity before she laughed. I mean, I speak QUICKLY, so I need a reliable phone connection. I don't know, I think that I can get over it.

Rebirth

So I just admired house and horse for about 7 miles. In other words, I just ran and walked a little more than 7 miles. It took me forever, and I walked at LEAST as much as I ran, but it was long overdo. Sometimes a bloodletting is necessary. I want to keep going, but my bones and skin are blowing away. I like Coldplay more when I run than at any other time. I saw some beautiful homes, and some beautiful animals, and I found a couple of little alleys and thoroughfares that may come in handy later. I was out there for an hour and 45 minutes, which is way slower than I'd like, but I wasn't all that worried about my time, frankly. I just needed to be on my feet and moving for more than 30 minutes (it's been a long while).

Second winds are funny things. After a certain point, my feet become so painful, and my legs become so tired that I just want to quit. However, when the second wind really kicks in, it is actually less painful to run than it is to walk. I like that idea. Again, pain is perception. Pain is unexpected, and sometimes welcome in the light of monotony. Walking may become boring and painful; running then becomes a release. A chance to sleep in a waking world. We should fight the impulses of society and realign ourselves with the earth's desires. Movement. Flow. Remove stagnation.

"rapid motion through space elates one"
James Joyce

Top Five Songs

***For the sake of symmetry, I've added six songs here, as there are six albums on my previous list.***

So to continue my top five listing, here is the list of the top five songs in my life. These songs are on the list for various reasons, including their immediacy to my circumstance, sincerity of lyrics, or just plain beautiful arrangement.

This list is in no particular order, and I got all the lyrics from www.sing365.com, so they might not be 100% accurate.

1) DO IT AGAIN - NADA SURF
This is the second song on the CD "The Weight is a Gift," which is on my Top Five Albums list. This song is a perfection of alternative rock, and seems to have been written FOR me. The sentiment of waiting and wanting is common in alternative rock, though I think it is most masterfully explained in this song. The feeling that one is spending one's life just existing, hoping for something great, but not really knowing how to achieve it is a feeling that I secretly hold. This song also contains the key lyric that is also the name of the album, "Maybe this weight was a gift." This line is intensely important to me, as it seems to apply to all aspects of my life. On a literal level, as I constantly battle my own weight, I have to wonder how much better I will be when I come to defeat it, or at least learn to love it. On a more wide reaching level, I wonder if the burden of my own martyrdom will in fact pay off later in some way that I cannot appreciate yet fully.

"well i'd snap to attention
if i thought that you knew the way
i'd open my mouth
if i had something smart to say

i bought a stack of books
i didn't read a thing
it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

the hum of the clock
is a far-away place
the azalea air holding your face
you're lying down
and the moon is sideways
(from the hot to the cold
it never gets old)

it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing

i spend all my energy
staying upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again

i want you lazy science
i want some peace
are you the future?
show me the keys

i spend all my energy
walking upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby

when i accelerate
i remember why it's good to be alive
like a twenty-five cent game

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift

i spend all my energy
walking upright

maybe this weight was a gift"

2) GO OR GO AHEAD - RUFUS WAINWRIGHT
This song is number 6 on Rufus McGarrigle Wainwright's amazing album "Want One," which is on my top 5 albums list. This song made my list initially on its musical merits. It is an extremely powerful superballad with massive harmonies and intricate arrangements. The song speaks about love and abandonment and isolation. There is a feeling of wanting; screaming in the wilderness at uncaring trees. It is being in the middle of a crowd of wives and feeling completely alone and unloved. The song begins and ends with lyrics that are very important to me. It begins this way:

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love"

and ends this way:

"This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

The song sums up all of my fears about God and love, and makes me want to give up, which is a powerful thing to feel. I appreciate also though that the song does not deny love, just the definition that we all want to give it. The song calls to task the idea of love as a painful thing, and perhaps is speaking more about the hypocrisy of modern understandings of love.

"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love
You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love
So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me
Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"

3) PARANOID ANDROID - RADIOHEAD
One of the few songs in which I can find no fault. It is about alienation within modern culture, and isolation in an increasingly branded world. It may be getting clear that I relate well to ideas of isolation and alienation, and this song explains it on a societal level. Additionally, the music in the song is inspired evolutionary rock. It combines simplified cerebral rhythms with ambience and dynamism. It's quite simply brain music, for me. It puts my brain in a state of agitated excitement, but in a good way.

"Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking, screaming gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does...

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

That's it sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!"

4) TWO-HEADED BOY - NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
This is perhaps the most simple song on my list. The music is not technically impressive. The singing is not particularly impressive. The chord progressions are not particularly progressive or advanced. However, this song could not be more beautiful than it is, as it is. The lyrics are some of the most amazing that I've ever heard, even though I am still not sure how I take the song. It seems to me to be a statement about a delicate life. Something about separation and depression. In this song I hear freedom in art and music, but slavery in love and society. This song relates to my tendency to hide things away within myself - hide things that may be more of my true self than any of the other things that people see of me. I hear in this song that no one dies alone, or that God exists. I'm not sure if those are the same thing or not.

"Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it has passed
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

Two-headed boy
Put on Sunday shoes
And dance round the room to accordion keys
With the needle that sings in your heart
Catching signals that sound in the dark
Catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
With pulleys and weights
Creating a radio played just for two
In the parlor with a moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays
Silver speakers that sparkle all day
Made for his lover who's floating and choking with her hands across her face
And in the dark we will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds

Two-headed boy
There is no reason to grieve
The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves
Left beneath Christmas trees in the snow
And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go"

5) BACHELORETTE - BJORK
This is off of Bjork's albm Homogenic. The song is intense with beat and arrangement, and is beautiful like all things that Bjork does. I relate to its vision of a person constantly giving love and being abused. The image of a tree growing hearts. This is a song about abuse and neglect, and offering oneself for the salvation of others. Or maybe it's about being taken advantage of, I'm not entirely sure, to be frank. The lyrics were not written by Bjork, but that doesn't matter to me. This section is important to me:

"I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near"

I have this odd thing happen to me every so often. I will be sitting or driving or otherwise alone and feel just that I would benefit from human connection. At this point I open my phone and start calling people. I usually call the same 6 or 7 people every time. For some reason, at these times when I so desperately just want to know that there is someone on the line, no one answers their phone. This happens at least once a week. No matter who I call, I get voicemail. It is maddening and depressive, and increases my feeling of alone-ness. This song seems to be about this feeling.

"I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl

Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream

Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street

I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near

Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay

I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break
Hum-yeah!
** Icelandic part **"


6) PICTURES OF SHORELINES - FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER
I don't have a whole lot to say about this song, I just really enjoy listening to it. The lyrics describe a love that I'd like to have, I guess, but really not more than other songs. The music isn't intensely amazing or anything, I just enjoy the song on a basic level.

"If you insist on pictures of shorelines
then i insist on pages of your lines meant for me,
to be sent to me.

Remember watching the storms from the lifeguard stand.
Remember feeling the tingling in my fingertips
when I touched your lips.

And I recall how you sat on the same side of me,
it always seemed that you'd always be on my side.
You're my best side.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and you have got the boldest eyes,
and I can't help but think it's right,
that inside you it's me I'll find.
And I'm still waiting.

And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and the storm off shore is not far behind.
And I'm still waiting.

And sometimes you don't say a thing for a long while.
And the ships off shore hold stories that we'd make.
And sometimes we are held at bay by these miles.
But less of you is more than I can take.

And the moments that we've shared could last a lifetime.
And the faith I have in us will keep you near.
And several of these miles placed in between us
mean several of these words being sent by mail.
I hope this letter finds you well."

Top Five Albums

***It occurred to me that I made a tremendous mistake when I first wrote this post, and so I am now correcting this and adding a sixth top CD that should have been listed in the top five. Further Seems Forever should actually be number 6 (in the original post, I had it as #4), and so I am moving it down but allowing it to stay in the post. Radiohead's OK Computer replaces FSF.***

These are the top five CDs in my life thusfar, or at least the five most important/influential to me.

These are in no order, by the way.

1) Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This CD is amazing. It is the type of CD that builds in importance and relevance as you listen to it more. The music and lyrics are more sincerely searching than those of nearly any other band, which is why this CD in on my list. Honesty is important, and this CD says nothing but total truth. This CD contains the song "Two-Headed Boy," which is also on my top five songs list.

2) Rufus Wainright - Want One
This CD is a work of mastery. Rufus is a unique voice in a crowd of screaming idiots, and he has complete control over his expression. The music is totally his, and could never be confused with someone else's. Again, he only says things that he intends to say. This CD contains the song "Go or Go Ahead," which is also on my top five songs list.

3) Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
A work of perfect alternative rock, with a taste for pop and harmony. The very title of the CD is an idea that I've long worked to believe, and think it is a beautiful statement. Basically every song on this CD has the potential for life change, and should be taken in that very serious way, even though it is just rock stuff. This CD contains the song "Do It Again," which is on my top five songs list, and seems to speak to me on a very personal level. I feel that this song is MY song, if ever there was one.

4) Ok Computer - Radiohead
Everything about this album is amazing and beautiful. The cover art is cryptic and aesthetically pleasing. The entire album speaks largely about floating homelessly through a cold world. It is about moving in a world too fast. I'm not sure if I am moving too fast, or if the world is, but one of us is moving at a different speed than the other, and it is the source of our problems. We are aliens searching for ships, hoping to find our home planets. It is sometimes better to die than to live the way that we do. Sometimes death is the only stop for our oddly propelled existence.

5) Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
This CD was really my first foray into anger, and is the earliest cd (in my life) on this list. It was really my first experience with the idea of strife, or of institutionally based anger. I began listening to this cd around fifth grade, after my brother bought it. Though I can't say that I necessarily agree or disagree with all of the lyrics, it was really the first music that I'd listened to that was to the point and hard. It was about this time also that I began to rebel in general and to start considering the impact of my life as well as that of others. I still think that this CD is a masterpiece of hard rock. None of the songs on this CD are on my top five songs list.

***6)Further Seems Forever - The Moon is Down
This band was my first introduction to Chris Carrabba, who went on after this album to become Dashboard Confessional, which I also love, though he didn't quite make it into my top five. This CD is beautiful from beginning to end; it is a perfect emo hard rock mixture. Though it is largely about love and other very traditionally emo topics, I have no problem believing Carrabba's sincerity. This CD contains the song "Pictures of Shorelines," which is also on my top five songs list.


I will post my Top Five Songs List some other time.

Adam

Adam is a curious story.

He had become engaged to his high school girlfriend Becky while he was still living in St. Louis, which is where he grew up and went to school, and also where he earned his music degree. The only major problem is that Adam was pretty sure that he was gay. So about halfway through the engagement, he broke down and drove to Becky's parents house and fell apart and said that he couldn't get married (though he didn't say why). Becky came over, or they called her or something, and the engagement was officially called off. Adam felt like his whole life was crashing down, so he wanted to get out of St. Louis. This is when he moved to Phoenix.

He came here and lived with a friend of his from St. Louis who had relocated to Phoenix previously. This friend was also gay (which Adam was now starting to identify himself as, though he still hadn't said it to anyone who lived in St. Louis). He played a few piano and jazz and gay bars for money, but didn't really settle into a job per se. After a few months, he followed an ad for a church looking for a new music director; he interviewed and was almost immediately offered the job, even though I think he was only 23 at the time, and looked about all of 16.

The band that I already played in at another church had been asked to come to this church to help with the contemporary mass. I met Adam and sort of realized that he didn't have any friends (he had to move out of his place with his friend, because the church was on the other side of the valley), so I asked him if he would like to hang out and go to lunch. We did, and we became friends sort of easily. I remember confusing him when I said that "I'd be gay for Rufus Wainwright."

Adam originally had issues with the church at which he accepted the job, because he was now referring to himself as gay, and he was worried that they might not be okay with that. I suppose that his concern was warranted, as the church had a touch of the conservative streak going for it. In the end though, he came out to his immediate bosses (a handful of deacons and a couple of priests), and they all told him it was no big deal, as long as he didn't act on it (or at least as long as they were unaware of him acting on it). So, it was all worked out in that way.

We had begun hanging out quite a bit, even though I still lived in Phoenix. I'd drive to his apartment to hang out. We'd press some coffee and watch a movie or go over some of his songs. Nothing romantic of course, as I wasn't really attracted to him at all, but we hung out a fair amount of time.

I eventually moved out to his part of town to go to a different campus, and we started hanging out even more, of course, as none of my other friends really wanted to drive all the way out here. I remember one time Adam drunkenly came on to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, it's actually kind of funny. We had gone to Karaoke with the band leader from the band group that I came over to the church with (and her husband). Adam had a number of amaretto sours, a martini or something, and a scooby snack, and so was fairly drunk. I drove us back to his house, where I figured I'd just spend the night and then have him drive me back to my truck. He for some reason slept on the couch, instead of his bed, so I slept in his piano room on a recliner. At one point during the night, I got up to use his bathroom, and as I was walking in its general direction, Adam says "I'm still awake, ya know." So I said "Um, okay." He said, "I just thought you might like to know" or something to that effect. So I basically ignored him. In hindsight, and knowing Adam better now, it is sort of clear that that was his advance. I never told him that he said it though, because he was too drunk to remember saying it at all.

Adam went on a few dates with girls, just to see, and a few dates with guys, just to hope. The girls never panned out, and most of the guys seemed sort of creepy. Finally though, he went out with his old roommate (the one he originally lived with when he moved here), and they ended up having sex. He described giving oral as making him "feel like a pornstar," which was obviously hilarious.

As far as I know, they never hooked up again.

Adam is now with Kristin. She came on to the church as the new youth minister, or the person in charge of the youth groups and other such things. He had begun speaking to her before she even arrived in town (Facebook is a fabulous thing). She was moving back here after leaving to go to school on the East Coast. I cautioned him against getting involved with her romantically (oh yeah, by the way, Adam had sort of arrived on the idea that he was more bi than gay, but more gay than straight), because he was going to have to work very closely with her, and if the relationship didn't work, it would be very bad. Ignoring my advice, as so many foolish people often do, he started hanging out with her constantly when she first arrived, and they sort of started dating. Within about 3 or 4 weeks they were in a full blown relationship situation, and within 6 weeks, he was sleeping at her house more than ours (oh yeah, we had moved in to a house with Louis). I continually cautioned him against where he was heading with her, because I had sort of figured out who she was by this point, and didn't think that they would work well.

They don't. She is rude and largely humorless. She hugs like an old tire. She is critical, and probably dismisses his homosexual tendencies. She thinks that she is smarter than me, which is impossible. She is one of the few women that I've ever met that I have absolutely no attraction to in any way. Sexual, emotional, intellectual, whatever, absolutely no attraction to this girl.

Whenever just he and I hang out now (which is almost never, especially since he now essentially lives with her) he spends the time complaining about her, and saying basically how much he wishes he wasn't with her. THEN, he'll tell me that he's moving his piano into her house or something. He doesn't make any sense.

Adam believes that he will die in November (the month that we are currently in). He believes this because someone (a priest who has since left the priesthood) told him that he will die in November of this year. Adam then corroborated this prediction by using some Angel Rods (his were made out of coathangers, of all things), which did indeed say he would die in November, although I've already explained to him how faulty these methods of prediction are. I've explained to him also that I believe if ANYTHING, he will experience a kind of death other than a physical one. I would see it more likely that he experience a social death, or an emotional death, or the death of someone he is symbiotically linked to, or in a relationship with.

Anyways, if Adam dies this month, I'll probably blame it on self-fulfilling prophecy (he really secretly believes it to be true), rather than the predictive abilities of someone as flaky as Basil.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen

Martyrdom

There are lots in life. Things that we are either destined to be or do, or maybe just things that we BELIEVE we are destined to be or do. Some people think that this equates to having karma to pay, that they are paying off a very bad action from a past life. Anyways, this is not true. This is not what karma is, and this isn't how it works, but that would be a journal in and of itself, so I'll let it go for now. The point though is that we seem to be given certain gifts and lack certain others that sort of shape or niche in the world. For me, I call this my martyrdom. It appears to me that I may live my life as a martyr. That I will constantly be laying myself down so that others may not be rolled over. I donate a good portion of my own energy to help others, sometimes to the exclusion of myself, or the detriment of myself.

This idea sometimes presents itself in a very literal way. If there is a girl that I am really in love with, who likes me, but loves some other guy, I will do all that I can to help her get him. This seems sort of floot mat. This seems pushover. It is not. If I truly believe that the other guy will be better for than me, I will help her achieve that, even if it means my continuing loneliness and lovelessness. If I must enter a state of true suffering for someone else to leave that state, then I will do it. I do not necessarily WANT to, but I feel that I have to. For why else would I be here? My gifts seem to point me in the direction of helping. Do not think that I'm saying we are built perfectly for some thing. No one is. We are all given pain to deal with. I seem to be unable to deal with some of my own problems, even though I can "solve" the same exact situations for other people in my life. I'm not sure what this means. I'm overly fragile when it comes to myself, but I'm indestructible when it comes to others. I am here to be used. I love that about myself. I love that about myself. I love that about myself.

"A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘Can you tell me where I will go if I get martyred?' The Prophet replied, ‘To Paradise.' The man fought till he was martyred."
Bukhari: V5B59N377