One More Time, With Feeling

Today was different.  In a physical way, it was different because I began using NOX as well as Creatine.  It was different in a preparedness way, because I brought a gym bag and used a locker.  I don't think that I can really overstate the gym bag.  In my mind, it is extremely important.  I think that the thing that has been stopping me from being successful in this aspect of my life is a lack of ritual.  I used to have this mental calendar, and the gym was not even officially represented on it.  A doctor's appointment would be a red bar.  A work shift would be a long blue bar.  A social outing would be a green bar.  All of these would have white words superimposed on them, explaining what they represented.  However, the gym was different.  It was just a black space.  No words.  Just a blackness.  Sort of like sleep.  In other words, it was an unavoidable certainty in my life on that day for a particular span of time.  It was not a rescheduable (neologism acknowledged) event.  Part of this inevitability was due to a ritualistic process immediately before and after the actual gym-going.  I would wake up, and immediately begin to make my breakfast - 1 cup oatmeal with two scoops of protein - and drink an enormous cup of water.  I would already have a gym bag ready to go with my wrist straps, weight belt, and towel.  My wallet, keys, and phone would get added to that bag.  I'd already be dressed by this time, and be on my way.  This whole process took nearly an hour, but it was an important part of my morning, I think, because it gave me time to prepare mentally for the upcoming workout.  The gym bag would also carry my water bottle for when I used one of those, and my post-workout shaker bottle thing.  Sometimes, I'd bring some pills or whatever I was taking immediately post-workout.  When I used a journal, it went in the bag, too.  This point has to be made by now.

So tonight, when I pulled out the bag, I felt something shift.  The water in the moon's surface melted a little bit and the surface slid slightly to the left.  The tides of the earth's oceans then ebbed and flowed in response, and retook the lands which used to be their floors.  Something in my mind clicked, and I felt stupid.  I felt stupid for not recognizing earlier something so obvious.  You cannot expect to be a serious gym-goer if you do not take going to the gym seriously.  You cannot just throw your keys and wallet and such in your pockets and head over whenever you feel up to it.  It must become a black bar of hellish seriousness.  You cannot take this too seriously, frankly.  You cannot be afraid to sound like a loser or a nerd because you make this a priority. 

Tonight, I have visions of a piano player.  An older man with tearful expression hewn into his medium-level talent which he displays regularly for friends and others in bars and the such.  A man for whom the world has become a sad display of a regrettable truth.  Now, amputate this man's hands.  Remove his only means of expression and connection.  Re-isolate him in a very real way.  Give him two years to realize that the human being is only so adaptable, and that once one loses one's ability to connect with other humans, that ability is truly gone.  It does not shift from music to suddenly being dance.  We all have only one way to say anything important, and it certainly can go away.  After two years, give him his hands back, and watch as he sits back down at the piano to express himself.  The past two years will come out in a soft approach.  Nothing as impressive as he played before, but a certain reminiscence will be undeniable.  A familiar sound will waft through his most used chords and melodies.  His blood will pump again, and his clothing will become cosmic dust.  

One Night In Lemonade

Let's skip the stage setting.

The plan was for me to bring the wine, and Lemon would supply the seating and TV.  I grabbed a bottle and headed to her apartment.  I brought with me the first seasons of The Office, Arrested Development, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.  It turned out that she had seen all of them except for Arrested Development, so we went with that.  We went through that first bottle pretty quickly.  A $12 cab sauv on sale from Bevmo!  We ran across the street to Total Wine and bought a Malbec and a Riesling.  We somehow drank through both of those, too.  Here is where things sort of get fuzzy.

I remember poking the top of her head and discovering she was asleep.

I think that I then went to the bathroom.

I came back, and I remember making the actual decision to sleep on the floor.  I felt like it would be creepy to crawl into her bed (we were sitting on her bed watching the show).

I was laying face down on her ridiculously uncomfortable and cold carpet when she woke me up, and said, "Just get in the bed, retard!" (she had presumably said a bunch of stuff before that that I do not recall).  I guess that I responded with a slightly agitated "NO" and something about how I like to do things the hard way.

I woke up again later from pre-hypothermia.  I stood up and thought to myself, "well maybe I'll just drive home then, since I have to work tomorrow."  However, as soon as I did this, I discovered my inability to walk.  I was still rather smashed.  So I went to the bathroom and drank some sink water.

I walked in to the living room and laid on the couch.  I remember trying to use the tiny throw blanket, but discovering that it was about as big as a towel.  I also remember looking at the decorative throw pillow and thinking to myself, "Okay, so this side is plain brown like the couch.  This side is all decorative and weird with gold lacing and stuff.  I should use the fancy side in case I drool, that way they won't be able to see it."

I woke up a few times to random noises, and I found out later that one of the noises was drunk Lemon trying to find me, but not seeing me on the couch.

I'd just like to reiterate that I was so drunk that I refused to get in to bed with Lemon.

I woke up for reals, snaked some mouthwash and made my way home, then to work.

I also drunk texted Leslie some choice things.  Fun times. 

Melinda

*walks into back room of Conspire*
"So did you make all of this?"
"Yeah.  Well, my little sister helps sometimes, but I think that everything that is in here now is just by me."
"Oh cool.  I really like it."
"Thanks!  I'm just adding these skulls, because it seems like everyone else in the store is getting ready for Halloween."
"Oh.  I actually think the skulls look pretty cool.  You should just keep them all the time."
"Yeah, you know what?  I was just thinking that myself."
"Definitely.  They're good merchandising tools."
*giggle*
"I'm Nathan, by the way."
"I'm Melinda."
*handshake*
"Well, I guess I'll see you around.  I frequent this location...sporadically."
*obvious chemistry...obvious fail*

First picture of the new tattoo

Only took about 2.5 hours...Most ridiculous pain that ever has befallen a man.
By the way, it's a full skank flank (rib panel).  Armpit to beltline,

almost to my nipple forward, and about as far backward.

Just To Be Clear

In case I have not already explained this very important aspect of my worldview, let me do this now.  I have most likely already said this, or some variation of this, but I feel that I can not be misunderstood about this.  This would be the guiding principle of my life, as far as usefulness and worth is concerned.  I look at the things around me and I deconstruct them into their various components and constituent pieces.  The table becomes a collection of wood, nails, glue, and paint.  The rangers' shed in Lockett Meadow is coincidentally this same collection of materials, just in larger quantity.  So too would be the walls of the house that I see myself building.  In other words, the table is the shed is the house.  If I can build that table, then I can build the house.  The main philosophy here is that there is nothing that I see that I don't immediately think to myself, "I could make that, and I could do it better."  There is nothing that I see that I do not believe I could do better of.  Not just in the building of physical things, but the learning of material, the understanding of wisdom, and the general living of life.  I'm not the greatest human being to ever live, but I could be.  I live in a world literally void of obstacles.  I am saying this very specifically about myself.  This is not a philosophy that can be applied to all of humanity, and I don't pretend that it ever will be.  This is something that I'm saying about myself.  The only thing that prevents me from being that best welder that ever welded is that I have yet to buy a welding torch or learn how to weld.  The only thing that stops me from designing the most efficient airplane that ever floated around our planet is that I haven't tried to do that yet.  Keep this in mind when I conquer and ultimately destroy the earth.

Calico beginning and END

I'll spare you most of the details, because they are way more funny in person.

Night ended with her literally rubbing her boob saying that she just wants to get the left one pierced because the right one is bigger and gets all of the attention.  She thinks that if the left one had a little "bling" it may get more noticed.

She also rubbed lip plumper on my lips...with her finger.

These things happened in the parking lot of the restaurant.

This experiment is over.  Obv.

A Little Bit of Lemonade In Your Eye

I found recently that I was avoiding writing about Lemon.  I'm avoiding it because it feels like a trap.  It feels like I will think about it and realize that I'm choosing to make my entire life into some massive sisyphean task.  I'm pushing this boulder up a hill, proving with every push that I'm worth her and definitely better than any other guy that she knows.  However, once I get up to the top of this hill, I get drunk and ask her out in the least attractive way possible.  What I'm saying is that I'm not sure yet whether I'm cool to just be her friend for the rest of my life.  I have a feeling also that she tends to date guys who end up really fucking her over.  I mean, that's based on nothing other than intuition, but if it's true, that means that I'd have to stand by and watch while that happens.  That is hard.  It's like watching Erin date totally obviously crappy guys.  Gets old.  Especially when i'm better.  It makes me have to question myself, actually.  I don't like having to question myself anymore.  I thought that I was past that?  I thought that I knew who I was, and what that was worth. 

Why is friendship more valuable to some people than love?  Why do so many girl-types prefer my company in that platonic way only?  I suspect that I know the answer, but it makes me sad, so I prefer not to.

"And I saw Sisyphus at his endless task raising his prodigious stone with both his hands. With hands and feet he tried to roll it up to the top of the hill, but always, just before he could roll it over on to the other side, its weight would be too much for him, and the pitiless stone would come thundering down again on to the plain." - Homer

The Prophet - Gibrain

From Kahlil Gibrain’s “The Prophet”

And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Introducing....someone?

I had forgotten that Match will keep renewing your membership as long as you don't cancel. I'd recently signed up (and paid) so that I could get in touch with this girl, Emily, who I never wrote about, but did go on exactly one date with (lol, she wouldn't call me back). Anyways, so I still had this membership floating around, and a girl winks at me all of a sudden. To my tremendous surprise, she actually looked cute, so I emailed her back and we began a light correspondence. We quickly moved on to texting, and decided to meet up for coffee on Wednesday night, which was last night.

She lives in Glendale (which may actually be problematic, since it's kind of far), so I figured we'd meet somewhere in between. She had never been to or heard of Lux, so we decided to go there. Blah blah blah, a bunch of nothing happens, I go to work, whatever. So even though the news people were expecting rain last night, I figured I'd go through one of those drive through car wash things at the gas station, since my car looked like a bucket of dirt. So now, car is clean and gas is full. I had also stopped earlier by Safeway, because Safeway has a deceptively good flower section usually. More or less paid off, as I grabbed a red and red calico rose (I think they call them "Intuition" roses these days), which was brought to prominence in my life first with Leslie. I think it was her 17th birthday, perhaps? I don't remember. Anyways, rose, gas, clean car, good to go.

I didn't have much time after all of this, so I did not get to take a shower or do my hair. I just changed my shirt and threw on some deodorant, basically. Oh, and washed my face. I definitely still had my trashy beard and crappy hair, lol. I sent her a text warning of my impending terrible experimental beard, even. She said that she didn't mind, so I suppose all systems are go?

Anywho, she ended up having to follow me to Lux, because she could not find it, so I feel that the car wash paid off. She was a little bit overly impressed by the rose, frankly, which leads me to believe that she has had shitty relationships in the past (turns out I was right). Reconfirming this thought was her sincere gratitude for me paying and opening the door and doing other very obvious things that I still can't believe all guys don't do automatically.

She had a caramel iced coffee. I ordered a medium breve cappuccinos, but Sammy said he only makes small cappuccinos, so we did a latte instead. We sat outside, and apparently RIGHT below the crazy misting system. We talked for a long time at that first table before I realized that my hair was like dripping wet, and we moved to the next table over. We also spoke for a long time at that table. Topics of conversation included work, past relationships (hers, mostly...I didn't much feel that mine were important at this time), favorite colors, buying houses, and pets.

She's really very pretty. In the interest of disclosure, I'd be forced to admit that she would be the curviest girl that I'd ever been out with. This was not a surprise, as her Match body type is indeed, "Curvy" so it is not a point of contention or anything. So yeah, she's very pretty, and has like three or four piercings in each ear (she works at a Piercing Pagoda). Her style is hard to describe, but she looked cute anyways.

She agreed to go to dinner with me this Sunday (pending my schedule being clear...I may be in Flagstaff), so we'll just see how this goes.

Oh, I have yet to name her...let's go with Calico.