Ron Marchini Facts

30 Ron Marchini Facts You Might Not Know
(adapted from 30 Chuck Norris Facts You Might Not Know)

1. Ron Marchini's tears cause cancer.

2. When Ron Marchini plays Oregon Trail his family dies from cholera or dysentery. He also requires no wagon, since he sends the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat through a transporter using a crystal. He never makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Ron Marchini instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he realized he could not, and was birthed normally.

4. Ron Marchini recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. He then added ninjas and an un-intimidating enemy to this idea and made a movie out of it.

5. Ron Marchini built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Ron Marchini rode away on his motorcycle, instinctively dodging the bullets. JFK was murdered.

6. Ron Marchini's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He did not know the answer.

7. Ron Marchini sold his soul to the devil for his unparalleled martial arts ability and "Special Police" hat. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Ron Marchini roundhouse kicked the devil in the face. The devil, who was angry, killed Ron Marchini. Ron Marchini now languishes in torment for eternity.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Ron Marchini smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer. He suffered tremendously every day until the day of his death.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. Ron Marchini thought this sounded like a good movie idea.

10. Ron Marchini is a nice person.

11. Ron Marchini lives by only one rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

12. When Ron Marchini's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Ron said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He silently cursed her, because he was pretty selfish, and really wanted some turkey.

13. Ron Marchini once rode on an airplane.

14. A man once asked Ron Marchini if his real name is "Ronald". Ron Marchini acknowledged that it was, and that that at the end of his movies, he is credited as Ronald L. Marchini.

15. Ron Marchini sleeps for about 8 hours a night.

16. Ron Marchini can make a woman climax if he lucks into her G Spot and then rocks the clit for a little while.

17. Ron Marchini once went to a frat party, and was asked to leave because he was not welcome there.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Ron Marchini cries and wishes he were Chuck Norris.

19. Ron Marchini is a virgin.

20. Ron Marchini asked Conan O'Brien if he wanted to use clips from his movies on his shows. He suggested maybe every time Conan pulled a lever that a clip played. Conan considered the idea, but respectfully declined because he already did that with Chuck Norris clips.

21. The chief export of Ron Marchini is excrement.

22. Ron Marchini doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. He in fact has very low levels of these cells. Doctors are worried that he may have HIV.

23. Ron Marchini frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can practice the fundamentals. He then uses these fundamentals in his pulse-regulating movies.

24. Ron Marchini once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to make him a Western Burger. He even tried calling 911 to get the police that force them to make it for him. This did not happen.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Ron Marchini is unaware of this.

26. Ron Marchini punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault and now his neighbors get a letter everytime he moves into a new neighborhood.

27. Ron Marchini is currently suing NBC, claiming that they owe him money. NBC is not sure who Ron Marchini is.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Ron Marchini. His reasoning? It was more "sensical".

29. If you can see Ron Marchini you must be watching one of his movies. You may be only seconds away from death.

30. Ron Marchini ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one. When they start crying Ron Marchini says, "Oh geez, I'm sooooo so sorry" and offers to buy them ice cream.


So as you can see, Ron Marchini is way more interesting than Chuck Norris.

200!

200 individual hosts! Nice. I'm sort of impressed with myself. Or google. Or something. They all seem to look at the same two posts, lol, which are "My Type's Phenotype" and "Celebrities I Love," because most of them are STILL searching for "Jessica Biel's [butt, boobs, sixpack, muscles, legs, waist, etc etc]" or "side boob." I always knew that I was right about side boob being the hottest thing possible, and I guess that this is just vindication for me. I feel like Ron Marchini. There's no stopping me now. I bet that I get 200 more hits tonight just from my mention of "Ron Marchini," the next internet sensation a la Evolution of Dance, or more appropriately, Chuck Norris Myths. Uh oh, I feel a new post.