Monteverdi: Ohimè ch'io cado - Jaroussky (Pluhar)

Chasing Manhood

It's probably true that every man (and many women) wonders at some point what it is to be a man.  Masculinity.  Testosterone.  Other buzzwords.  Some men think that masculinity is modern rape and pillage.  Some women think so, too.  Some men think that masculinity is being able to be a woman, sometimes.  Some women hope this is not true.  There are those of us who see and acknowledge a quantum leap between biological human men and the things that we are now.  While once we performed outrageous feats of strength and athleticism merely as a daily necessity, we now throw up after running 10 kilometres.  Do you hear what I am saying now?

One of my favorite blogs recently pointed out one of my favorite truisms.  Scientists and the such rebuilt Viking longboats and tried to replicate their, um, adventures.  They used Olympic rowers, but found that it was impossible to conduct the same things that the Vikings are documented to have conducted for hundreds of years.  It was too hard for Olympic rowers (considered the best rowing athletes in the world, apparently) to power Viking long ships.  It was too difficult to navigate with their technology.  It was too cold.  Is this registering?  Some of our best living athletes could not even temporarily perform the task that peoples of old routinely performed.  ROUTINELY.  There is something missing.

Has anyone thought about work?  What does this have to do with the world?  What does this have to do with being men, and being women?  What did your money...save?  Prevent?  Create?  I don't think there are answers to these questions, of course.  This is something that most everyone thinks about.  It is related to the question of masculinity.  I think that, biologically, it is very much related.  People like to think of the differences between men and women as being the differences between "Hunters" and "Gatherers."  I don't think that it is this simple, of course.  Cavewomen, as I will refer to them, probably hunted a ton as well.  They were bigger than modern women.  Most muscular.  More like what modern people consider men to be?  Don't know.  The point is that they were well equipped.  They were strong.  They were vicious and biologically inclined, and they killed.  Is killing the key?  I hope not.  Or, at least, if it is, I hope that nature does not abhor a metaphor.  Men killed too, of course.  Until civilization, men killed for dominance.  Men killed for food.  Men killed for sex.  Dominance.  Food.  Sex.  Not necessarily in this order, I suppose, but definitely IN.  To be a man, it appears that you must care about domination.  You must care about food.  And you must care about sex.  Don't be an idiot.  Nothing I ever say is literal.  Unless, I say it is.

It appears that every important thing any man has ever done that was great enough to be remembered by the collective consciousness was done for food, domination, or sex.

What would you kill for?

I am looking for something to dominate.
I am looking for food.
I am looking for sex.

"There must be something we can eat
Maybe find another lover...
...Try to see it once my way
Everything zen...
...There's no sex in your violence"
-Bush

Photos of animals in the womb

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/4G8S3e/www.thisblogrules.com/2009/12/stunning-photographs-of-animals-inside.html/r:f

Hey Leslie, remember when we talked about this?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34482178/ns/health-skin_and_beauty/?gt=43001

Why am I so ahead of the times?  It's because time is an expanding sphere - not a line - and I am a 4th dimensional doughnut.

Duh, lil' 'piph'nies

Sometimes I have "duh" moments.  Moments when super obvious things finally occur to me in real time and in real words.  The latest is the concept of "worth."

A person's worth is directly related to the amount of time one is willing to spend with or on them (notice the use of the words 'worth' and 'spend' which are obviously linked).  This means that a person's worth can be consistently quantified in units of time.  In other words, what a man's worth is may be answered by "2 hours."  A person is worth time.  People who are especially valuable (for one reason or another), remain present in timespace far beyond their actual living time.  Think of any now-dead historical figure.  They will be worth the aggregate total amount of time ever spent with or on them.  I think that I would like to add the personal caveat that time defined by negative energy (time spent bad mouthing a person, or perhaps planning and executing their assassination, just to give examples) is akin to negative time.  So here is a concrete example in super basic time: 

A ruler of a land.

Total amount of positive time spent on this person DURING their lifetime: 50,000 hours (remember, this would include time spent willingly WITH the person, as well as ON the person, which may include buying gifts or doing favors, or whatever).

Total amount of positive time spent on this person during all time AFTER their lifetime:  100,000 hours (students doing proud history projects in school, people debating this ruler's creative ruling style, et al)

Total amount of negative time spent on this person DURING lifetime: 65,000 hours (this person may have been a despot and a tyrant, which a large group of people constantly wishing them death and a few actually planning his assassination).

Totaly amount of negative time spent on this person AFTER lifetime:  750,00 hours (his legacy was well known by history).

This would mean that total positive time equaled 150,00 hours, while total negative time was worth 815,000 hours.  This human being's net worth was -665,000 hours.  This was not a worthy person.  This person COST existence that much time.

The fun part about this line of thinking is that it begs the question: How much time are you willing to spend on YOURSELF?  How long can you stand to be alone, without feeling the need to obtain company?  Your answer will apparently be directly related to your concept of self-worth.  Your self worth should always be a positive amount.  If you spend your time hating on your looks and your abilities, you are depreciating your own value.  You are devaluing your most abundant resource.  Stop it.  Start investing in your self, and your self worth will increase in value.  USUALLY, this translates into other's worths of you, as well, which will help give positive time back to creation, in turn helping to make up for the massive empty hole left by the aforementioned cruel leader. Anyways, this is sort of rambling, but I do believe that I've made my point.  Let's start reinvesting positive time into the universe in order to increase our worth and expand timespace.  Or, at the very least, let's start being  honest about how we rate the worthiness of our friends and family.  How much is that person ACTUALLY worth to you in measurable units?

Realty II

I was not able to get in to the 22nd st and Highland townhouse because the key only opened a little storage area.  I did, however, check out a place on Central just north of Northern (on the Bridle Path!).  It was your basic townhouse, but I really liked it.  Decent kitchen, one and a half bathrooms, and a nice little enclosed back patio that opens up to parking and the neighborhood (not an alley or another complex).  It is going for $55k, but may have some weird HOA issues, so my realtor is looking in to that. 

Looked at the house.  No.  Just no.

Hey Adam

Wachet Auf, Ruft Uns Die Stimme, Cantata 140 - Bach

Messages Through Fog

Sending her messages through the fog.  It's nearly morning, and I just want to talk.  I'm waiting for her to come back home.  I'm thinking clearly now, and I just want to let her know.  I'm not in love, but maybe I'm somewhere close by.

There's ether between us.  A silent medium through which my heart floats.  There's a million miles between us, but I'm standing right next to her.  I'm not in love, but maybe I'm somewhere close by.

All our matter is dispersed.  Giant things made small.  We rejoin the universe, and speed away into oblivion.

Realty

Which do you prefer?

Option 1
Townhouse at 22nd St, a few blocks south of Camelback.  Complex is kind of older, sort of shabby.
Beds/Baths: 2 / 2
SF: 1,504
Kitchen Features: Disposal; Microwave; Pantry
Master Bathroom: Full Bth Master Bdrm; Double Sinks
Additional Bedroom: Master Bdrm Upstairs

Laundry: Inside Laundry
Dining Area: Formal; Dining in LR/GR
Other Rooms: Great Room
$52,000 with a $361 listed HOA monthly fee. (For reference, the mortgage payment on this would be around $287.15, so with the HOA it would be $648.15)

Option 2
House at 20th St and a few blocks south of Indian School.  Has a decent sized front and back yard with grass and trees.  Not a super awesome looking neighborhood (really close to the 51), but this particular street is really nice.
Beds/Baths: 2 / 1
SF: 620 (I don't really buy this after walking around it.  It looked more like 850 or so)
Kitchen Features: Range/Oven; Microwave; Pantry
Master Bathroom: None


Laundry: Wshr/Dry HookUp Only
Dining Area: Eat-in Kitchen
Other Rooms: Family Room
$70,000 but with no HOA.  The mortgage for this is $386.54 per month, but then I would also be responsible for yard maintenance and the upkeep of the outside of the house.


So it's a townhouse for $52,000, which is easier to rent but harder to sell, versus a house for $70,000.  The townhouse has two full baths, while the house only has 1.5.  The townhouse would have a lower mortgage payment, but a high HOA fee.  This may not be such a big deal, as the HOA would presumably be responsible then for lawn maintenance and the exterior of the place (this sometimes even includes the A/C).  Also, most HOA fees cover water and sewer as well.  So it might work out. 

Choices?

Gyroscope!!!

Gyroscope!!!  Watch it.

how coffee works lawl

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/coffee

Patti's Favorite Flower

Daffodil.

Choir

correction

Ashley is right, I actually went as Obamanable Sarah Palin

Ashley

Halloween2009

Ashley as Lady Gaga.
Me as Snowman Sarah Palin.

Hey Leslie, Good News

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223001/Great-White-Shark-bitten-nearly-half-BIGGER-monster.html

Aren't you excited that a shark big enough to bite a 10 foot great white in half exists?

Chasm of Color

The worst thing of us all is that we refuse to believe that we are only biology.  Granted, our current definition and concept of biology may be limited, but that does not mean that it isn't still what runs this place.  Hira Ratan Manek is alleged to be able to sustain himself completely by the rays of the sun.  No food.  Just water and the sun (and an occasional cup of tea, from what I understand).  Now, let's assume that this is real truth.  The fact that a task was accomplished which cannot be explained by current science is not a failing of that task, but of the science that seeks to define it.  It does not mean that the task can not be, but that science must apparently be expanded in order to accommodate the very observed notion that the task in fact, IS.

I wonder at times if Satan knows he is the devil?

We are all compelled by varying but ultimately equal forces (the net measure of influential forces involved is "decision" which occurs only in units of one since you cannot make two decisions about one single choice).
  
 So what I wonder is if people always assume that their decision is the right one at any given moment.  The word "right" may be argued, but that is inconsequential.  People may say, "Well, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time."  This statement can never be false.  Even if a person describes a decision process as feeling wrong even as they were going through it, the fact that they ultimately made one choice only means they decided in one direction only, and it is antithetical to human nature to choose damage (this is why suicide is so abhorrent to society, which should probably abhor the person who is so non-functioning in their societal demand that they feel it is a good idea to end things).  Actually, let me add to that parenthetical note I just made.  Most people who try to suicide themselves but end up surviving say that even while they were falling into the abyss, they were thinking "this is the wrong decision."  For more on this subject, look up the studies about people who survived suicide attempts from the Golden Gate Bridge.  Only a tiny percentage of them ever return to try to finish the job. I guess that isn't a true statement though.  The act of jumping was the right decision.  In retrospect, it may not have been the most beneficial decision, but it had to have been the right decision, or else it would not have been made by that person.  In any case, this is all just meandering around a general idea.  Not really important to anyone other than myself.

I don't much regret choices.  I don't much think that I've made a few bad turns.  The problem is when you extrapolate a current path based on your previous navigational decisions and try to orient yourself to the anticipated route.  This is when you realize that you are a slave to your biology.  You are universally compelled into making a million tiny decisions at every moment.

Let's take a person with a wheat gluten allergy as an example.  They have the allergy, but it isn't severe enough to kill them.  They maybe just break out a little bit, or have an upset stomach.  Every now and then, this person will decide that these discomforts are worth the treat.  The problem is, you aren't just deciding to have a rough night in the bathroom and a sudden need for more makeup.  You're also dealing with the discomforts of the depressed self esteem resulting from the complexion issues.  The ultimate damage to your internal organs from the flood of long absent insulin and other biochemicals that will be released.  The decreased motivation and drive to do important things that results from the low self esteem and inner malaise.  Hell, you're even dealing with the possibility that you'll find yourself stuck in the bathroom at an inopportune time.  Maybe this is the night that the new girlfriend feels comfortable enough to want to spend the night.  Maybe this is the night that you are the victim of a home invasion.  Who knows?  How ready can you really be for these things?  Not much, as far as I see it.

People assume that they are meant to live forever.  This is why we fight so adamantly against things like cancer and whatnot.  The funny irony here is that most of these cancers are caused so very easily by us, but cannot as easily be fixed.  Combine our generally damaging diet with the definitely toxic environment we live in daily (air, water, stress), and you don't have much of an argument for genetics.  Not that it matters, since there is no way to say whether you picked up your cancer somewhere along the family tree, or from the pesticides that lace the orange grove that you visit every year.  The point is, not every person who was ever born needs to never die.  Death is the ultimate proof of biological finality.  At some point, the puzzle falls apart and the pieces just won't fit together anymore.  What happens when we "beat" cancer?  Then there is no longer this tremendous limiting factor supplied to our population.  When the earth failed to keep our numbers in check, we decided to proliferate cancer.  Maybe we didn't do it consciously, but don't forget that we are all just stardust.  We are compelled by biology.  We are compelled by forces that appear to favor biological necessity or convenience.  Maybe we don't need to eat, but that it's just an easier way to keep moving than it is to stare at the sun for hours on end every day.  After we "cure" cancer, then we'll move on to the next thing, and the next thing after that until finally we've got so many people living for so long at a time that we can't make enough food, and the skies are so full of our byproducts that we can't see the sun either.  At this point, Cosmos pushes restart and we all starve to death.

In different places, I have different names, but that does not change who I am.  It also does not change the fact that I am an unending drill pointed at the heart of the Earth.  Someday you will all bask in the glow of warm molten rocks while I become one with them and create a light that engulfs all suns and consumes all black holes.

One More Time, With Feeling

Today was different.  In a physical way, it was different because I began using NOX as well as Creatine.  It was different in a preparedness way, because I brought a gym bag and used a locker.  I don't think that I can really overstate the gym bag.  In my mind, it is extremely important.  I think that the thing that has been stopping me from being successful in this aspect of my life is a lack of ritual.  I used to have this mental calendar, and the gym was not even officially represented on it.  A doctor's appointment would be a red bar.  A work shift would be a long blue bar.  A social outing would be a green bar.  All of these would have white words superimposed on them, explaining what they represented.  However, the gym was different.  It was just a black space.  No words.  Just a blackness.  Sort of like sleep.  In other words, it was an unavoidable certainty in my life on that day for a particular span of time.  It was not a rescheduable (neologism acknowledged) event.  Part of this inevitability was due to a ritualistic process immediately before and after the actual gym-going.  I would wake up, and immediately begin to make my breakfast - 1 cup oatmeal with two scoops of protein - and drink an enormous cup of water.  I would already have a gym bag ready to go with my wrist straps, weight belt, and towel.  My wallet, keys, and phone would get added to that bag.  I'd already be dressed by this time, and be on my way.  This whole process took nearly an hour, but it was an important part of my morning, I think, because it gave me time to prepare mentally for the upcoming workout.  The gym bag would also carry my water bottle for when I used one of those, and my post-workout shaker bottle thing.  Sometimes, I'd bring some pills or whatever I was taking immediately post-workout.  When I used a journal, it went in the bag, too.  This point has to be made by now.

So tonight, when I pulled out the bag, I felt something shift.  The water in the moon's surface melted a little bit and the surface slid slightly to the left.  The tides of the earth's oceans then ebbed and flowed in response, and retook the lands which used to be their floors.  Something in my mind clicked, and I felt stupid.  I felt stupid for not recognizing earlier something so obvious.  You cannot expect to be a serious gym-goer if you do not take going to the gym seriously.  You cannot just throw your keys and wallet and such in your pockets and head over whenever you feel up to it.  It must become a black bar of hellish seriousness.  You cannot take this too seriously, frankly.  You cannot be afraid to sound like a loser or a nerd because you make this a priority. 

Tonight, I have visions of a piano player.  An older man with tearful expression hewn into his medium-level talent which he displays regularly for friends and others in bars and the such.  A man for whom the world has become a sad display of a regrettable truth.  Now, amputate this man's hands.  Remove his only means of expression and connection.  Re-isolate him in a very real way.  Give him two years to realize that the human being is only so adaptable, and that once one loses one's ability to connect with other humans, that ability is truly gone.  It does not shift from music to suddenly being dance.  We all have only one way to say anything important, and it certainly can go away.  After two years, give him his hands back, and watch as he sits back down at the piano to express himself.  The past two years will come out in a soft approach.  Nothing as impressive as he played before, but a certain reminiscence will be undeniable.  A familiar sound will waft through his most used chords and melodies.  His blood will pump again, and his clothing will become cosmic dust.  

One Night In Lemonade

Let's skip the stage setting.

The plan was for me to bring the wine, and Lemon would supply the seating and TV.  I grabbed a bottle and headed to her apartment.  I brought with me the first seasons of The Office, Arrested Development, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.  It turned out that she had seen all of them except for Arrested Development, so we went with that.  We went through that first bottle pretty quickly.  A $12 cab sauv on sale from Bevmo!  We ran across the street to Total Wine and bought a Malbec and a Riesling.  We somehow drank through both of those, too.  Here is where things sort of get fuzzy.

I remember poking the top of her head and discovering she was asleep.

I think that I then went to the bathroom.

I came back, and I remember making the actual decision to sleep on the floor.  I felt like it would be creepy to crawl into her bed (we were sitting on her bed watching the show).

I was laying face down on her ridiculously uncomfortable and cold carpet when she woke me up, and said, "Just get in the bed, retard!" (she had presumably said a bunch of stuff before that that I do not recall).  I guess that I responded with a slightly agitated "NO" and something about how I like to do things the hard way.

I woke up again later from pre-hypothermia.  I stood up and thought to myself, "well maybe I'll just drive home then, since I have to work tomorrow."  However, as soon as I did this, I discovered my inability to walk.  I was still rather smashed.  So I went to the bathroom and drank some sink water.

I walked in to the living room and laid on the couch.  I remember trying to use the tiny throw blanket, but discovering that it was about as big as a towel.  I also remember looking at the decorative throw pillow and thinking to myself, "Okay, so this side is plain brown like the couch.  This side is all decorative and weird with gold lacing and stuff.  I should use the fancy side in case I drool, that way they won't be able to see it."

I woke up a few times to random noises, and I found out later that one of the noises was drunk Lemon trying to find me, but not seeing me on the couch.

I'd just like to reiterate that I was so drunk that I refused to get in to bed with Lemon.

I woke up for reals, snaked some mouthwash and made my way home, then to work.

I also drunk texted Leslie some choice things.  Fun times. 

Melinda

*walks into back room of Conspire*
"So did you make all of this?"
"Yeah.  Well, my little sister helps sometimes, but I think that everything that is in here now is just by me."
"Oh cool.  I really like it."
"Thanks!  I'm just adding these skulls, because it seems like everyone else in the store is getting ready for Halloween."
"Oh.  I actually think the skulls look pretty cool.  You should just keep them all the time."
"Yeah, you know what?  I was just thinking that myself."
"Definitely.  They're good merchandising tools."
*giggle*
"I'm Nathan, by the way."
"I'm Melinda."
*handshake*
"Well, I guess I'll see you around.  I frequent this location...sporadically."
*obvious chemistry...obvious fail*

First picture of the new tattoo

Only took about 2.5 hours...Most ridiculous pain that ever has befallen a man.
By the way, it's a full skank flank (rib panel).  Armpit to beltline,

almost to my nipple forward, and about as far backward.

Just To Be Clear

In case I have not already explained this very important aspect of my worldview, let me do this now.  I have most likely already said this, or some variation of this, but I feel that I can not be misunderstood about this.  This would be the guiding principle of my life, as far as usefulness and worth is concerned.  I look at the things around me and I deconstruct them into their various components and constituent pieces.  The table becomes a collection of wood, nails, glue, and paint.  The rangers' shed in Lockett Meadow is coincidentally this same collection of materials, just in larger quantity.  So too would be the walls of the house that I see myself building.  In other words, the table is the shed is the house.  If I can build that table, then I can build the house.  The main philosophy here is that there is nothing that I see that I don't immediately think to myself, "I could make that, and I could do it better."  There is nothing that I see that I do not believe I could do better of.  Not just in the building of physical things, but the learning of material, the understanding of wisdom, and the general living of life.  I'm not the greatest human being to ever live, but I could be.  I live in a world literally void of obstacles.  I am saying this very specifically about myself.  This is not a philosophy that can be applied to all of humanity, and I don't pretend that it ever will be.  This is something that I'm saying about myself.  The only thing that prevents me from being that best welder that ever welded is that I have yet to buy a welding torch or learn how to weld.  The only thing that stops me from designing the most efficient airplane that ever floated around our planet is that I haven't tried to do that yet.  Keep this in mind when I conquer and ultimately destroy the earth.

Calico beginning and END

I'll spare you most of the details, because they are way more funny in person.

Night ended with her literally rubbing her boob saying that she just wants to get the left one pierced because the right one is bigger and gets all of the attention.  She thinks that if the left one had a little "bling" it may get more noticed.

She also rubbed lip plumper on my lips...with her finger.

These things happened in the parking lot of the restaurant.

This experiment is over.  Obv.

A Little Bit of Lemonade In Your Eye

I found recently that I was avoiding writing about Lemon.  I'm avoiding it because it feels like a trap.  It feels like I will think about it and realize that I'm choosing to make my entire life into some massive sisyphean task.  I'm pushing this boulder up a hill, proving with every push that I'm worth her and definitely better than any other guy that she knows.  However, once I get up to the top of this hill, I get drunk and ask her out in the least attractive way possible.  What I'm saying is that I'm not sure yet whether I'm cool to just be her friend for the rest of my life.  I have a feeling also that she tends to date guys who end up really fucking her over.  I mean, that's based on nothing other than intuition, but if it's true, that means that I'd have to stand by and watch while that happens.  That is hard.  It's like watching Erin date totally obviously crappy guys.  Gets old.  Especially when i'm better.  It makes me have to question myself, actually.  I don't like having to question myself anymore.  I thought that I was past that?  I thought that I knew who I was, and what that was worth. 

Why is friendship more valuable to some people than love?  Why do so many girl-types prefer my company in that platonic way only?  I suspect that I know the answer, but it makes me sad, so I prefer not to.

"And I saw Sisyphus at his endless task raising his prodigious stone with both his hands. With hands and feet he tried to roll it up to the top of the hill, but always, just before he could roll it over on to the other side, its weight would be too much for him, and the pitiless stone would come thundering down again on to the plain." - Homer

The Prophet - Gibrain

From Kahlil Gibrain’s “The Prophet”

And a youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Introducing....someone?

I had forgotten that Match will keep renewing your membership as long as you don't cancel. I'd recently signed up (and paid) so that I could get in touch with this girl, Emily, who I never wrote about, but did go on exactly one date with (lol, she wouldn't call me back). Anyways, so I still had this membership floating around, and a girl winks at me all of a sudden. To my tremendous surprise, she actually looked cute, so I emailed her back and we began a light correspondence. We quickly moved on to texting, and decided to meet up for coffee on Wednesday night, which was last night.

She lives in Glendale (which may actually be problematic, since it's kind of far), so I figured we'd meet somewhere in between. She had never been to or heard of Lux, so we decided to go there. Blah blah blah, a bunch of nothing happens, I go to work, whatever. So even though the news people were expecting rain last night, I figured I'd go through one of those drive through car wash things at the gas station, since my car looked like a bucket of dirt. So now, car is clean and gas is full. I had also stopped earlier by Safeway, because Safeway has a deceptively good flower section usually. More or less paid off, as I grabbed a red and red calico rose (I think they call them "Intuition" roses these days), which was brought to prominence in my life first with Leslie. I think it was her 17th birthday, perhaps? I don't remember. Anyways, rose, gas, clean car, good to go.

I didn't have much time after all of this, so I did not get to take a shower or do my hair. I just changed my shirt and threw on some deodorant, basically. Oh, and washed my face. I definitely still had my trashy beard and crappy hair, lol. I sent her a text warning of my impending terrible experimental beard, even. She said that she didn't mind, so I suppose all systems are go?

Anywho, she ended up having to follow me to Lux, because she could not find it, so I feel that the car wash paid off. She was a little bit overly impressed by the rose, frankly, which leads me to believe that she has had shitty relationships in the past (turns out I was right). Reconfirming this thought was her sincere gratitude for me paying and opening the door and doing other very obvious things that I still can't believe all guys don't do automatically.

She had a caramel iced coffee. I ordered a medium breve cappuccinos, but Sammy said he only makes small cappuccinos, so we did a latte instead. We sat outside, and apparently RIGHT below the crazy misting system. We talked for a long time at that first table before I realized that my hair was like dripping wet, and we moved to the next table over. We also spoke for a long time at that table. Topics of conversation included work, past relationships (hers, mostly...I didn't much feel that mine were important at this time), favorite colors, buying houses, and pets.

She's really very pretty. In the interest of disclosure, I'd be forced to admit that she would be the curviest girl that I'd ever been out with. This was not a surprise, as her Match body type is indeed, "Curvy" so it is not a point of contention or anything. So yeah, she's very pretty, and has like three or four piercings in each ear (she works at a Piercing Pagoda). Her style is hard to describe, but she looked cute anyways.

She agreed to go to dinner with me this Sunday (pending my schedule being clear...I may be in Flagstaff), so we'll just see how this goes.

Oh, I have yet to name her...let's go with Calico.

Recent Sexy Dream Participants UPDATE

Erin
Julee
Ashlee
and now introducing...Leslie!

Congratulations Leslie!

UPDATE:
I feel bad that I forgot to mention Terra, but Terra has definitely participated as well.

Just Asking For It

I'm now openly asking someone to direct me to either pursue or NOT pursue Ms. Julee once again. Give me what you got.

Oh, faulty subconscious memory

Did I just have a sexy dream about Julee?

My Tag List

Here is a list of all of my tags. I have arranged them from least to most tagged, and then alphabetically. Just for fun. Don't anybody go get upset because of how little they've been tagged. Some people have switched names/tags, some people I've just forgotten to tag at times, and some people I jokingly tag as other things (I might tag Erin as "things that COULD kill you" when she's mad, for instance)...

# Andy (1)
# Bjork (1)
# Bunna (1)
# Buster (1)
# Daniel (1)
# First Post (1)
# giant XTC (1)
# GUBOM (1)
# jessica biel (1)
# Joe (1)
# Laura (1)
# Loghouse (1)
# LT (1)
# mama m (1)
# Neighbor (1)
# paramount (1)
# Rage Against the Machine (1)
# Sean (1)
# So I've got this friend (1)
# stumpjumper (1)
# Tea (1)
# Terra (1)

# Amber (2)
# Ambuler (2)
# Birdhand (2)
# blaise (2)
# Carebear (2)
# Chris (2)
# Delux (2)
# Elizabeth (2)
# Family Affair (2)
# Further Seems Forever (2)
# Guitar Hero (2)
# Hana (2)
# Julia (2)
# langster (2)
# mandala (2)
# Nella (2)
# Radiohead (2)
# San Fran Half Marathon (2)
# Search Terms (2)
# Tango (2)
# The Doleful Beard of the Woeful Bard (2)
# Todd (2)
# Top Five Albums (2)
# univega (2)
# Zolee (2)

# Art (3)
# drugs (3)
# Fashion (3)
# favorite websites (3)
# God (3)
# Ironwoman (3)
# Korey (3)
# Lauren (3)
# Marissa (3)
# politics (3)
# Rufus Wainwright (3)
# Wink (3)

# Becca (4)
# bikes (4)
# Erica (4)
# Havasupai (4)
# Hiking (4)
# Laird of the Hunterbear (4)
# Michelle (4)
# Nada Surf (4)
# Neutral Milk Hotel (4)
# Raerae (4)
# Savra (4)
# Sex (4)
# The Bean (4)
# the World (4)

# Alcoholism (5)
# Celebrity look-alikes (5)
# Danette (5)
# ॐ (5)
# Scary Eye (5)
# Top Five Songs (5)

# Amburger (6)
# body art (6)
# Coffee (6)
# Heroes (6)
# Peace Corps (6)
# Miss Jen (6)

# Granola (7)
# online dating (7)
# Places I've Been (7)

# Gay Issues (8)

# Conspiracies (10)

# Lemon (11)
# Paul (11)

# Karma (12)

# Running (13)
# Secret Lover (13)
# Song Lyrics (13)

# Eating Disorders (14)

# Erin (16)

# Julee (19)
# Leslie (19)

# Weight Issues (20)

# Duffy (21)
# Louis (21)
# Roadrunner (21)

# ex-girlfriends (22)

# Adam (23)

# Things that COULD kill you (28)

# Aspirations (40)

# Who I is (41)

# Ashlee (44)

# random and/or funny (64)

Leslie will like this

http://viewat.org/?hd=1&i=en&id_aut=34&id_pn=4704&md=sf&sec=pn

Do You Want To Come In?

Check me out. Erin said that she didn't really like me writing about her in here instead of just saying things to her face, but here I am, writing away.

Erin wasn't really responding to my texts. She wasn't exactly answering my phone calls. She most certainly was not calling me back. After about a week of this, I was convinced that there must be something up. Turns out I was right. She happened to also be sick that week, but that major player here was this very blog. She stumbled upon this thing most likely by following comments on Adam's Italy blog (not a big deal as I did originally gave her the address, but she told me she couldn't deal with the rules, and would therefore not read it). She most likely did what most people would do, and searched her name to see if I'd written about her, which of course I have. She found the old entry about herself, and focused in on a very specific portion of it.

I wrote about Paul, very briefly. Keep in mind that this was about a year and a half after he'd gone. My observation sounded cold,

"She has experienced shit, and her life is so empty, that it almost makes me angry. Paul died, and killed a large portion of her. The bags under her eyes are my monument to him, and they will seemingly never let me forget him or his impact on her. If I were to want her to love me, I am not sure that I'd ever be convinced that I had 100% of her. She belongs to him still, and I do not know how to help her let go; I'm not sure if she's ready to yet.
It was always understood (by her and I) that she and Paul would end up together after he cleaned up."

Now, to me, this doesn't sound as bad as I suppose it might to someone else. What I meant at the time was that Paul had become such a big part of her life, and with him gone, she didn't know how to refill that void yet. There is an interesting phenomenon to mention now. In some clinical studies, scientists looked at hibernating animals in order to understand the relationship between calories, fat, metabolism, exercise, and obesity. Basically, a hibernating animal is a very obese form of its normal self. The animal puts on a tremendous amount of weight in anticipation of a cold hard season that would yield an insubstantial amount of food to continue daily living. The weight is in the form of fat (brown fat, I believe), and it serves as an energy source for the animal, who then enters a state of something sleep-like wherein they can dramatically reduce their energy requirements. This reduction is generally attributed to the drastic lowering of core body temperature and the slowing down of all bodily functions. Blah blah blah, we all know how hibernation works, I guess. Anyways, scientists would take an animal who was in the midst of hibernation and then surgically remove a portion of their fat. Now, I'm not sure what I would have expected to happen, but what happened was certainly unexpected. The animal regenerated the lost fat to compensate. Considering that no additional food was going IN to the animal, it's baffling to try to figure out how they managed to regenerate fat to replace that which was removed. The point of this, though, is that when an important part of them was removed without their permission, they were able to replace it with something just as valuable that ultimately may save their life.

Erin is a hibernating ground squirrel, and Paul was forcibly removed by a curious surgeon. Her self has since regrown and recouped, in a way that ultimately saved her life. While once she was cold inside and her heart was beating very slowly, she is now gallivanting about the meadow with a thousand acorn-producing trees in each direction. The piece of her that was taken has not prevented this from happening.

To continue, Erin must have read the various parts of that post in which I extol her virtues and proclaim undying secret love for her. I wonder why I don't feel more embarrassed about this? I mean, she must have put the pieces together to understand that nothing has really changed, right? I think so, at least.

On Friday night, I had my bike and a jones for some trouble. I laced up and hopped on the light rail in to Phoenix. I rode in to downtown, where I got off and rode over to her (parents') house. I texted her, "Can you come outside for a minute?" and waited about for about ten. No answer, so I called her. She woke up and came outside to talk. We talked lightly for a minute or two to lighten up the mood or something? We hadn't spoken for like two weeks now, right? Then I just launched in to it and asked her what was going on. Laundry list. I hurt her with the stuff that I'd said. She didn't understand why I didn't just say it to her. She always comes to me with her problems, and maybe she should start to distance because she won't always be able to do that. A few others. Nothing that really surprised me, I guess. I apologized, because I think this was largely misunderstanding. She can't tell if I'm writing facetiously sometimes or not. Fair enough. I almost spilled guts when I started to tell her about how she had confused with me a few things, but it just didn't feel right yet.

Eventually, it became time to leave. I made motions to this effect, and she said that she would walk me to the light rail stop, which was right near her (parents') house. She was barefoot, but insisted that it wasn't a problem. We walked and talked and it was cute. Got to the light rail, bought a ticket, sat down. We continued to talk. Light rail arrives, but there appears to be approximately three crap loads of people on it, and no more bike hooks open, so I say that I'll just ride to the next stop and catch a less busy one. We start walking back to her house then, since I'm not going to get straight on a train. I don't remember when or how, but she offers to drive me home. I sort of felt like riding actually, but the night seemed unfinished, so I said okay. Drive home is light, but fun still. At the apartment too soon.

An interesting exchange occurred at the apartment. She had stopped the truck, but it was still running. We had a moderately awkward, "okay, well, I guess, goodbye then?" sort of moment happening, so I said, "Do you want to come in?" I was almost joking, but not really. Then, in a tremendous mindfuck, she thinks about it for a seconnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddddd that lasted what God considers to be eternity. She eventually declined, due to lack of privacy, sort of? I mean, I don't think she was even considering the extrapolated extreme ending that is implied by my question, but it's fun to live in fantasies, isn't it? It feels like being a goldfish. You live in a fish tank with a castle and a rock and a seaweed thing. When finally someone introduces another goldfish to your tank, it is the beginning of an epoch. A new era of existence that surpasses your three month memory. Something better than a new castle, or a piece of coral, or a diver guy with a treasure chest that floats bubbles to the top of your tiny world. You can't ignore it when God puts a new colored rock there, but after three months, you forget why the rock was interesting in the first place. You always have someone to swim in circles with, though.

As for love:
"If you have it, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have."
-Sir James M. Barrie

Don't Forget

"The mere athlete becomes too much of a savage, the musician is melted and softened beyond what is good for him. The two should therefore be blended in the right proportion." -Plato

The Langster

The rest of the bikes

Just a great picture of the current bike situation.

The Univega

I've been fixing up my bikes in hopeful anticipation of possibly riding with Blaise when he comes through Phoenix on his way to Aguila. I guess that I'll start early with him and then stay at some hotel with his pops and catch a ride home the next day. Here are pics of the now ready to ride Univega 10 speed.

What just happened? Or... Nella pt I

Nella and I had agreed to meet at Cartel this evening at 5pm. I arrived a little bit early, which my photo album from Havasupai, and my one pink rose. I sat there at the bar and struck up a conversation with this guy who does high interest loans for small businesses. We spoke for a little while and laughed about how he is some sort of modern loan shark. At some point, Nella arrived. I was pretty sure it was her from the corner of my eye, but could not be certain. She then interrupted and verified that it was her, so I ended my conversation with loan shark, paid for Nella's toddy, and my small latte, and sat at a table with her.

We spoke of a lot of different things. Most of it centered around science, and health, and the underlying philosophies guiding these things. She explained more about what she does now, and what she had done in the past. Her voice is less awkward in person than it was on the phone, but she still has a very teacherly voice. That is to say that she speaks slowly and over enunciates her words. This is, of course, the exact opposite of how I speak. Yin Yang, whatever. It was a nice conversation. Not life changing, by any means, but nice. There was no serious discernible spark, but I think that I may call her again anyways. I asked her if she was okay with me calling, and she said yeah, so we'll see.

Then, I was just chilling at Cartel sort of debriefing with Ashley (the barista), and I sat down at the bar next to this Indian dude (India, not Native American). Eventually, he was sucked in to our conversation, and ultimately I began to speak to him directly. His name is Tejaswi (tay-jhus-vee) or Te (tay) for short. Te is here from India, and studying some sort of Computer Sciences, but he has something to do with Biology, too. We spoke at length about the differences, or rather, the lack thereof, between America and India. He says that they are the same place. He is from Bangalore, which is somewhere in south India. We spoke about the amazing place that is Mumbai (formerly Bombay), and how Slumdog Millionaire actually captured it quite accurately. He explained the the people in the slums of Mumbai have been enticed to leave by the government, because they sit on very popular real estate. Te believes that they do not want to leave, even though they live in abject squalor, because if they leave, they become irrelevant. When they are on the important real estate, people care in some way about them, but as soon as they relocate to the outskirts, no one pays attention anymore, he thinks. He may be right. Te hates Arizona, because of the hicks, which I thought was funny. He was a cool cat, so I grabbed his number. I mean, I see him at Cartel often, but I'll probably call him up for a beer sometime.

While I was talking with Te, Elizabeth (neighbor girl who used to date Tree, and to whom I lent my ipod, which was subsequently lost) and her friend/roommate Ari came in. Ari is a very beautiful girl with an absolutely killer ass, and she was wearing a t-shirt material dress that very wonderfully accented this portion of her anatomy. Anywho, she was going to have a party tonight, so she invited Te and I to come. Te could not make it due to school and the such, but I figured why not? I mean, worst case scenario: I end up sleeping with Ari, right? That's what I thought.

Her directions actually included the words, "bring beer," so I did. Just a 12 of Miller Lite, which seemed silly when I first arrived. I got there around 10:30, and the true core of the party was there. It was a hippy party. Her friend Starlyn gave me a 30 second hug and a kiss on the cheek, and was just a cool nutball, and everyone else sort of fit in. Very happy free love types of people all drinking small microbrews. So my giant box of shit beer stood out, but I drank it anyways. Eventually, more and more people showed up, and it started to get weird so I left. Before that happened though, I sat in some living room area while this Matt guy played his various ethnic flutes. Chinese, Japanese, Irish, etc. He even brought a few didgeridoos. He was actually really good, and I enjoyed listening to him raga out. I told him about the elusive "listening night" and asked if he would like to come some time. He of course said YES to this, and I warned him that it would probably be a chant listening night, but he was unfazed by this. No worries. As long as he brings his rad flutes, Adam will love him. Adam's trip sounds amazing, I can't wait until he gets back so I can actually hear about it instead of read. I keep almost calling him to just say what's up, but then I remember that he is a broad. ha ha.

Hmm, oh and this drunk girl was flirting with me, but I would have felt bad so I didn't let it go anywhere. Tracy? Stacy? Tracy, I think. She was the first person to arrive with beer that wasn't all local and microbrewy, so we hit it off (she brought one of those hilarious personal pump keg things of coors light). On the way out, she was sad that I was leaving, and really wanted to run in to me again, but like I mentioned, she was drunk. So, I don't know, I just let that one slide. I probably will see her again anyways, so we'll see what happens then. Hmm, was a weird night. Fun, but weird. Oh, also, Starlyn let me bless myself with her personal incense blend. Good times. Adam, this was YOUR kind of party.


Oh, PS, I heard Mandala closed down? Lame.

Match Girl: Nella

Just to remind any of you who forgot, I've asked both Amburger and Lemon out now, and they've both retained their option to remain just friends with myself. No hard feelings, I sort of suspected as much would be the case (well, Amburger was a surprise, but I saw Lemon coming). So now I was kind of bored the other day, so I ran a little match.com search to see who was new and exciting and everything else. Interestingly, there were some fresh new faces to flex my fancy forward. In fact, one of these new faces was particularly interesting. We'll henceforth know her as Nella. The reason for this name reveals my creepiness, so we'll keep it an unpublished whisper for now. She's well educated (working on her PhD), and sort of old school about stuff, according to what I can glean from her profile. Well, anyways, I actually signed up for a month long account just so that I could email her, which I did. She responded positively, and now we've sent a few emails back and forth. She sounds very interesting, and is definitely intelligent. We have plans in two ways. First, she is going to call me some time tonight after work. Second, we're going to meet up for coffee at Cartel some time in the very near future (I can't be specific, or else there may be spies). I'll keep the one or two of you updated as things progress. I have hope for this one.

“Dum spiro, spero”

FML X 2

So Amburger is seeing someone.

I drunkenly asked Lemon if we were just friends, or if I could ask her out. She got mad at me, lol. Just friends is the answer.

Hmmm, suddenly, I have no prospects? Interesting. Hey random girl, beware!

Amburger LOL FML

Okay, just real quick one:

Asked Amburger out.
She's seeing someone, it's new, she hasn't told anyone yet.
FML.

Bar with Lemon, Louis, and Matt C tonight.

Amburger Continued

My apartment complex was going to shut off the water to the whole place this morning from 10am until like 12 or 1pm , so I took off and drove in to Phoenix. I knew that I would have some time to kill after going to my parents' house, so I texted Amburger since she lives near my parents' neighborhood, and asked if she would be up for some coffee. She indeed was up for some coffee, so we met up at Lux. We ended up hanging out there for like an hour and a half or two hours, just talking about a bunch of nonsense. She gave me a goofy little magnetic voodoo doll that she got for me in New Orleans on her latest road trip vacation thing. Cute. I almost asked her out on the spot, but decided to wait and ask Lemon, since I had previously decided that that would be the prudent thing to do. So now, I guess that I'm just waiting to see what happens with Lemon before I do anything with Amburger? I feel bad saying that, for some reason, but 'tis what 'tis.

Amburger

Okay, so let's throw her into the mix.

Amburger is Jen's (remember her?) friend. One of her best friends, apparently. I'd seen her at Cartel a whole bunch but never actually talked to her. One day, I was there with Adam, and she came in and we all started talking. She's super nice, and I told her that I could help her locate a glittery saddle for her bike that she wanted, so we exchanged numbers. Blah blah blah and one glittery saddle later, we're friends now.

I can't tell if I like her or not. I'm fairly sure that I do. She isn't really my normal type, in all honesty; it's a departure for me. She is very petite and sort of mousy, if I had to use a slightly derogatory descriptive. She rides her bike a whole lot, so she has that fixie girl body. In case you don't know what this is, it would be a girl who is very lean with narrow shoulders and hips, no butt, minimal bust, and a tendency to wear slip-ons or flat low tops, knee length shorts, and a t-shirt. She is totally nice, and fun to talk to, but I think that I want to see if I have any chance with Lemon first. Speaking of, hold on a second...

Lemon II

So, this girl, seriously. Alright? I mean, come on!!! This is like a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle that went through a house fire and then was doused by fire houses. Impossible to assemble. It is true that she seems to be open to hanging out often, although it is also true that I'm like her only friend in Phoenix other than her roommates, and even so, I may be the only native and, therefore a valuable asset in general. We DO get along preternaturally well, and she has admitted as much. She does outstanding and weird things like invite me to go camping with her and her family over the weekend in New Mexico. This seems like an obvious thing, but it becomes significantly less so when I mention that she also initially invited Louis (this happened when we three went to First Friday). I am worried about the things that are at risk here. I mean, if she ISN'T cool, and I spill guts, she'll never be able to be friends with me again, which I would hate. There are a few girls out there who can totally break your heart but then remain your friend. I don't know if she is one of these girls or not. When I first went to dinner with her and Marble and this other guy from training, she and Marble made a point of telling me how they hate it when they make a male friend, and that guy immediately thinks that they're interested, and gets all creepy with the texting and phone calling and stuff when they really just wanted to be his friend. I sort of took this as a warning. Co-workers tell me that this is overthinking it. I don't know. Opinions?

Lemon

I hung out with Lemon three times this weekend.

Friday: Beers and food at Rose and Crown, then First Friday
Sunday: Burgers and beer at my brother's house
Monday: Movie

Louis drove myself and Lemon to downtown for First Friday. We all walked over to Rose and Crown where we had some sandwiches and beer and stuff. Fun times. It turns out that Lemon lived for a little while in London and the pub by her house was called Rose and Crown. WEIRD. First Friday was fun, too. Not as many people as normal, and it sort of started to rain, which was nice. We checked out my brother's tattoo shop and ran into a bunch of random people that I've known from over the years.

On Sunday, my family was originally planning on having a barbecue at my cousin Kris' house, but we were informed that Kris crashed his Ducati in Cottonwood and had to cancel. He is fine, but had to go in to the hospital. Anyways, the original plan also was for Erin to come to the barbecue with me, but it looked like she wasn't going to make it back in time from Pinetop. Bearing this in mind, I called Lemon and asked her if she was hungry. She was. I asked if she would like to go to my brother's for a little grilling. She would. I picked her up about forty minutes later, and we hung out at my brother's house for a while. My cousin Jenny was around for a little bit too, but had to take off, leaving just Me, Lemon, David, and Rachel. Lemon just could NOT get over my brother's 210 pound Mastiff, Elden. Elden remained the focus of most conversation, although we also talked about a lot of other stuff. Then I took her home.

THEN, on Monday, I was really bored and just sitting around my house. I asked Erin if she wanted to go to a movie with me, and she said no. I texted Amburger (new girl, 1st mention) and asked her too, but she was busy. Now, see, I would have asked Lemon first, but I figured she was all tired of me by this point. However, at this point, I was so bored that I figured I'd take my chances (I also really wanted to see her again), so this text exchange occurred:

Me: "What're the chances that you're bored and NOT tired of my company yet? and wanting to see a movie..."
Lemon: "Lol! I couldn't tire of you. For goodness sakes, i was just writing you on facebook! Lol!"
Me: "Really? What to go see a movie tonight?"
Lemon: "Sure. I'm still doing meds, do you want to go in soon so i don't go too far?"
Me: "What? I can't make sense of that."


So then she drove over here to my apartment and I drove us to Camelview. I had these sweet free passes for Harkins, so I used them. Score. We saw Away We Go, which was excellent. It's Jim from The Office, and Maya Rudolph from SNL. Great movie, totally funny and slightly tear-jerking. Then we drove around a little, and I showed her those ridiculous waterfalls on the canal. Romantic? Who knows? I'd like to think that she's coming around to my way of thinking. That thinking which involves her dating me. We'll see though, I seriously cannot read her yet. I don't THINK she is interested, but I'm not convinced yet. Updates as they happen...

He's Back??

Roadrunner Fin

Just a quick heads up, I ended things with RR. More details later. Mothers,lock up your daughters.

The Ecological Disaster That Is Dolphin Safe Tuna

http://southernfriedscience.com/2009/02/16/the-ecological-disaster-that-is-dolphin-safe-tuna/

This is an interesting article about how "dolphin safe" techniques cause significantly more damage than "non dolphin safe." Here's the big highlight:

Dolphin Safe:
“Ten thousand sets of purse seine nets around immature tuna swimming under logs and other debris will cause the deaths of 25 dolphins; 130 million small tunas; 513,870 mahi mahi; 139,580 sharks; 118,660 wahoo; 30,050 rainbow runners; 12,680 other small fish; 6540 billfish; 2980 yellowtail; 200 other large fish; 1020 sea turtles; and 50 triggerfish.”

NOT Dolphin Safe:
“Ten thousand sets of purse seine nets around mature yellowfin swimming in association with dolphins, will cause the deaths of 4000 dolphins (0.04 percent of a population that replenishes itself at the rate of two to six percent per year); 70,000 small tunas; 100 mahi mahi; 3 other small fish; 520 billfish; 30 other large fish; and 100 sea turtles. No sharks, no wahoo, no rainbow runners, no yellowtail, and no triggerfish and dramatic reductions in all other species but dolphins.”

And the math:
"If you work out the math on this (and you don’t have to, because the environmental justice foundation did) , you find that 1 dolphin saved costs 382 mahi-mahi, 188 wahoo, 82 yellowtail and other large fish, 27 sharks, and almost 1,200 small fish."

Weird.

Girl Picture Reference: Terra

Terra = Enid from Ghost World + Shirley Manson + any/all SuicideGirl(s) + (Christina Ricci x 1,000) + Sex

Gross, but sweet

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/06/is_oral_sex_good_for_your_fetu.php

Hey Ashley, read this article about why you should swallow.

If You Love Me,

Make this happen

More

I still maintain that pretty much everything that happens can be looked at and learned from. That every situation has a distinct purpose in the greater scheme of things is still definitely a reality in my mind. However, I think that I now realize also that sometimes you can miss out on the bigger or better lesson in a situation by not acting. Turns out that my cousin Sean was a magnanimous and amazing person, despite his rampant racism and offensive jokes. I'm bringing this up, because I do feel a bit of regret about not spending more time with him, because it turns out also that he had an interesting philosophy on life and local impact that he wasn't shy about sharing. I wish that I'd had a chance to talk to him directly about it.

So to recap, I have learned that I should really jump on it more. Meet and befriend as many people as possible. Really try to gain more closeness to my family. Become larger souled. Help people when they ask for it. Help people when they need it.

Blow to the Old Account

Got a speeding ticket today, by the way. Going 43 in a 30 on Chaparral. I guess I can take an online class for it. TCB.

Death in the Family

So my cousin Sean died today. And, in writing that sentence, I realized that I don't know if he spells his name Sean or Shawn. I think he was 27. Cause unknown. Keeping an eye on things.

Simpsons Wisdom

Moe: "It's so nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say."



I hear ya.

Snacks on Snacks pt II

So she is part mexican, part italian, and part puerto rican, I found out. I forgot what I was talking about. Anyways, it was a good night, and like I said, I didn't leave until 3am. It's not like we did anything other than talk, but that was nice. I feel bad for her, because she really doesn't have a whole hell of a lot of friends here, and doesn't seem to really know that many people outside of myself and her roommates. She refers quite casually to me as her friend. Sorry Adam. I might try to bring her around the other friends sometime, see if everyone gets along. That might be a bad idea, but whatever. I don't really feel like writing much more. As I've mentioned before though, they will definitely have to note in my biography my extraordinary ability to be completely surrounded by beautiful women at all times. Good life.

Girl Picture Reference: Ashlee

Ashlee = Bratz Cloe + Christina Aguilera + (Lady Gaga X 3) + Christina Ricci

Girl Picture Reference: Erin

Erin = Claire Forlani + Jane from Tarzan

Girl Picture Reference: Lemon

Lemon = Dita Von Teese + Brown Snow White

Girl Picture Reference: Roadrunner

For your viewing convenience, I will try to post some pics of celebs that the girls commonly referenced here sort of resemble.

Roadrunner = Vanessa Hudgens + Lilo

Snacks on Snacks

Hung out with Lemon last night (Girl #2).

I arrived at her place last night around about 8:30pm. We were planning on seeing The Hangover at 9:10. When I arrived, I could hear Lemon and her roommate playing Rockband, and we ended up playing a few games before we left. Fun times playing with people who are still mystified by the difficulty of the game on Easy.

Watched the movie. Funny, just like the first time, although the theatre was actually rather packed this time, and that sort of made it more funny? Maybe? Who knows.

We go back to her apartment then to have a beer or three and some conversation. Before anyone really noticed one way or the other, it was 3:00am. Conversational topics changed quickly, but retained a general subject: relationships. We talked for a long time about my current situation. And hers. She hasn't really met anyone. I'm fairly positive that she has no interest in myself, which is really too bad, because she is very beautiful and intelligent. We get along very well, and we seem to be very comfortable around each other.

When I first met her, I guessed that she had some Native blood in her veins. She denies this, and says that her background is Italian and Mexican, I think. Oo, I just had an idea. I'm going to finish this post later.

Current favorite website

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

I told Girl #2 that we'd end up on this site.

So I've got this friend

So I've got this friend:

He's dating Girl #3, who he likes, but doesn't love. She is a great girlfriend to him, even though he's sort of lame. She would probably drop the L bomb if she thought it were safe, but we think she's aware of the discrepancy in their feelings. She'll do anything to make him happy.

My friend is insanely intrigued by Girl #2. They seem to be just perfect together. They were ending each other's sentences before they had been introduced. Literally. She's a little more of a partier than he is, and he doesn't fit her expectations, but he's pretty sure that they'd be a great couple if he had the ability to pursue her.

Girl #1 is the girl, maybe. Long time friends. She is impossible to deal with, and insanely irrational almost all the time. However, to quote Rilo Kiley kind of, when she's on, she's really fucking on. She'd probably be the end all, so to speak. My friend is fairly certain that she's just hanging out waiting for him, kind of like he had been doing with her for so long.

Girl #4 through 13: random repeat sightings that pique my friends' interest. Not enough information to gather a proper opinion.

Girls #14 through 3.5 billion or whatever: my friend more or less just wants to sleep with these girls

Who does he choose?

4 chords, 36 songs

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Hey Leslie, let's go to St. Maarten's

Insofar as crushed dreams are concerned.

Dolphins

Detachment

I feel like I rarely get sideswiped. I am almost never overwhelmed. I don't know if this is a strength or a weakness, though. I mean, to people who are thrust into massive depressions when someone does even the most minutely offensive thing to them, this sounds like a great situation, I'm sure. Living in a steady state isn't as comforting as it sounds.

When something comes along that should cause me to be slammed, I step back and examine it as an outsider. This gives me unusual clarity and a pretty good handle on the situation, but I lose some of the depth of emotion that others remember so vividly. The weird thing is that I can usually identify how I otherwise SHOULD feel, and to what degree; I just sort of auto-suppress the majority of it. I don't look back and remember the pain or the anguish, but rather the lesson learned. Sometimes I learn something from the intended emotions. Sometimes I learn something from the sudden change of circumstance that I didn't really see coming.

Someone whom I know to be awesome and who I think will factor into the completion of the puzzle someday throws me off kilter. I was recently confused anyways. A long-term friend exhibits behavior that hints at something more. The possibility makes my tongue hurt. Why my tongue? Who knows. The first girl asks me what I think about her beginning to date a friend of hers. Too many circumstances preventing she and I right now, although I know she'll be important for a long time. I already said that. She sort of half asks, half furrows her brow in worry. Can you split between those two things? She texted. She asks and I tell her that I'm totally okay with it, because he is a good dude, and he'll look after her, which she sort of needs more than she'd like to admit. I mean, based on her history, she wouldn't appear to need ANYONE'S help, but I know better. She needs me, and I will need her more and more. She asked what I thought about her recent decision. I said it was cool. I said that I was surprised by the sudden change in her status in my life, and that I had to reconsider her future possible placement. I mean, does this ex out the possibility of her being my future love? Does the sudden maybe change of the long-term friend really mean that I've always sort of wanted it to mean? If it does, then I have to rethink Peace Corps, and Med School, and Everything.

None of this really affects me. It puts me into the same state of mind that I get into when trying to figure out the answer to a tough problem. A math problem, or a larger more conceptual problem. More abstract, more conceptual...conceptual. Conceptum "draft, abstract"...I don't know, the point is that everything hits me like a piece of a large puzzle that is itself a piece in an even larger puzzle. I have to figure out certain other peoples' lives so that I can figure out how they will fit into mine.

Pieces of the puzzle Pt I

In no particular order:

-Rufus Wainwright
-John Curring
-Neutral Milk Hotel
-The World According To Garp
-Terra
-The Allman Brothers
-"Christina'a World" by Andrew Wyeth
-Philip Glass
-Erin
-Adam
-Roadblocks to Med School
-Patti
-Broken Ankle
-Julee
-Shai Hulud
-The Beta Band
-"End of the Line" by The Traveling Wilburys
-Eating Disorders
-Social Work
-SEIU Disillusionment
-Detachment (this may warrant another entry)

Much Ado About Something ... Again

It recently occurred to me that most people appear to get more and more crazy as they get older, but with the exceptions of senility and dementia I think most people stay the same and society just moves away from them over the years.

Also, I wonder if for those people who really DO go a little crazy, do they know it? Do they recognize it happening? I can so easily see myself becoming more and more obsessive and getting to a point of insanity somewhere in the not too far off future. I have shockingly little control. I mean, I have many times more control than the average person (arrogance), but I also have exponentially more to control. In other words, if they have X amount of control to exert over Y amount of whatever, I have 5X control, and Y^10 amount of stuff to control. Does that make sense? I'll do more with what I have than most people who stretch themselves to their absolute maximum. I'll do that, but I'll leave quite a bit undone, and I'll always wonder why I didn't save the world. Or maybe I'll wonder, "When will the world know that I've saved it?"

I'm looking forward to that calm that I so desperately hope comes with certainty of purpose. I mean, I'm certain that I HAVE purpose, but I don't really have any specifics. Great American Novel? Musical Revolution? Medical Breakthrough? Something much, MUCH smaller? I don't know.

I try to comfort myself with the idea that so many great people didn't become great until very late in their lives, and even then only after doing many horrible things or failing tremendously dozens of times before. I haven't really failed YET, but I see the obstacles already piling up and waiting for me. I feel at once that I have both to choose correctly the path to fortify myself (medical school? peace corps? work at a gas station?) and also to let everything just happen. I mean, I am trying my best to convince myself that this really is a matter of destiny and that I will accrue the necessary tools naturally and in that way will find the exact thing that I am to do.

I sometimes run in to other people who speak like this. People who feel such a tremendous tug towards greatness that they've stopped denying it, and stopped hiding it from everyone. Unfortunately, it's clear that most of these people will probably never achieve what they hope for. I hope that is never me. I can't really imagine much else worse.

I need to find myself living somewhere else.

ashlee

I guess my text wasn't going through for some reason. What it basically said was that the thermostat is in Louis' room, and sort of right under the vent. This means that it heats up to the established temperature way faster than the rest of the house. Because of this, we set it super high, like 77 degrees at first, but you said it was cold, so we set it higher, like 80 or so, and then we never saw you again. It will never be toasty warm in any part of the house, so I suggest you supplement with a pair of sweatpants or something if you find that it is still too cold for you.