Preparedness

Preparedness is a concept that I have been thinking about a lot lately, especially with all of the recent uncontrollable natural disasters.  The most important question is simply, "Are you prepared?"  however the other side of that question is, "What is preparedness?"

I am attempting to separate out the various arenas of preparedness.  I am not talking about being prepared for slight changes in the weather, or being prepared for a job interview.  I am mostly talking about survivalism in the face of sudden catastrophic disaster.  Something along the lines of a nuclear war, I suppose.  In this instance, there are a few key areas that I think I should consider, and maybe try to improve on.

Mental Acuity
Strength
Endurance
Orienteering
General Usable Skills
Hunting/Trapping
Cooking
Water

So let's just start at the top, and try to describe each one.  Then, I will try to come up with a series of questions that should give you an idea of where you fall in the spectrum of preparedness, as observed by myself.  I am not talking about becoming the ultimate warrior, so most of the markers that I am creating are applicable to both men and women.

Mental Acuity
This is your ability to analyze a situation and come to a logical and rational conclusion.  You don't need to be trained in most areas of survivalism if you are just a generally sharp person who can use rules of science and logic to figure out a problem.  Additionally, this also encompasses your ability to keep a calm head during times of extreme distress.  If you lose it, and start acting like a fool, you will certainly die.
Can you use science and rational thinking to examine a situation?

 Strength
Quite frankly, strength will be extremely necessary if you find yourself suddenly thrust into the wilderness.  There may be situations in which you have to be able to pull yourself up off of a cliff.  Or maybe a boulder has rolled on to a companion, and you need to be able to move it.  Now, some lack of strength can be offset by intelligence (lever and pulley systems), but there may still be situations in which you have to act immediately and with great strength.
Can you do 15 chin ups?
Can you lift a two foot diameter boulder off of the ground?
Can you press at least 135 pounds over head? 


Endurance
This would be the other half of the athletic spectrum.  All the strength in the world will prove itself quickly useless if you suddenly need to run far and fast.  I think that this domain is obvious, as many natural predators may be willing to chase you for more than a mile.  Additionally, in the event of something like an erupting volcano, you may just need to flee.  I suppose it is true that if a predator that is wildly faster than you (think cheetah) is coming upon you, you're sort of screwed.  But if you're being chased by a group of roving cannibals or something, you may stand a chance if you can respond affirmatively to the following questions.
Can you run 6 miles without stopping?
Can you run 6 miles without water?
Can you climb a 30 foot rock face?
bonus: Can you run 100 meters in under 15 seconds?

Orienteering
Orienteering is really the ability to use a map and a compass to determine your location and a route to get where you want to go.  In the case of a sudden disaster though, I assume that you won't have a local map and a compass on you, so this is more about the ability to use geographic landmarks and astronomical figures to determine your bearing and present location.
Can you draw a rough topographical map of everything within sight?

General Usable Skills
This encompasses all areas of survivalism that you ought to know beforehand, instead of trying to figure out on the fly with your mental acuity.  Things such as how to use available materials to braid a rope, how to create an arrow head, and how to carve a spear using rocks.  In the event of complete societal collapse, this may expand to include simple things such as how to build a chair, or dig a latrine.
Can you braid a 15 foot rope using grass and plants?
Can you create a temporary shelter using found wood?

Hunting/Trapping
This one is pretty obvious.  If you find yourself living in wilderness, you'll need to be able to acquire food.  You can get by for a while by foraging berries and edible plants (although, if you don't know how to choose edible plants, you can get yourself in trouble quickly), but eventually you will need to hunt or trap some game.  Some of the other areas come in to play here as well, as you will probably need a spear or boomerang type thing in order to hunt.
Can you track game?
Can you accurately throw a boomerang device?
Can you create a trap for small game?


Cooking
If you manage to capture yourself an animal, do you know how to make it ready to eat?  Some of cooking will depend on the availability of water.  In the greater Phoenix-Tucson area, you can mostly assume that you won't have a great supply of water, so you'll have to cook everything on fire (instead of boiling).
Can you gut and dress an animal?
Can you build a fire using natural materials?

Water
Without water, you will die.  Relatively quickly, too.  There is a certain art to finding water in the desert, or maybe even in a place like a tropical island.  On an island that gets rain, but does not have any real lakes or rivers, you  will have to look first for plants that are designed to capture rain water in their leaves.  If you can't find that, then you better know how to convert salt water to fresh water without the benefit of fire (assuming you don't know how to make a fire, or don't have a vessel to boil water in).  There is a cool distilling method that involves one large tub with salt water, a small cup standing up in the middle of that water, and then a plastic sheet over the top of all of that with a small rock directly over the cup.  You end up creating a very humid type atmosphere inside, and fresh water will condense on the ceiling plastic.  Then, it will congregate and roll in towards the middle (due to the weight of the rock), and ultimately will drip in to the cup in the middle.  Additionally, if the island gets rain, you can use certain obvious capture methods (mental acuity comes into play again).  In the desert, finding water is significantly more difficult, and requires some basic common sense.  The only hint I'll give you is you find a wash.  After that, you're either going to be hiking forever, or digging forever.  Your choice.  There are also a certain few plants that can save you from immediate lack of water death, but I wouldn't count on them as a major source of water supply.
Can you find or make water?

More later...

Chasing Manhood

It's probably true that every man (and many women) wonders at some point what it is to be a man.  Masculinity.  Testosterone.  Other buzzwords.  Some men think that masculinity is modern rape and pillage.  Some women think so, too.  Some men think that masculinity is being able to be a woman, sometimes.  Some women hope this is not true.  There are those of us who see and acknowledge a quantum leap between biological human men and the things that we are now.  While once we performed outrageous feats of strength and athleticism merely as a daily necessity, we now throw up after running 10 kilometres.  Do you hear what I am saying now?

One of my favorite blogs recently pointed out one of my favorite truisms.  Scientists and the such rebuilt Viking longboats and tried to replicate their, um, adventures.  They used Olympic rowers, but found that it was impossible to conduct the same things that the Vikings are documented to have conducted for hundreds of years.  It was too hard for Olympic rowers (considered the best rowing athletes in the world, apparently) to power Viking long ships.  It was too difficult to navigate with their technology.  It was too cold.  Is this registering?  Some of our best living athletes could not even temporarily perform the task that peoples of old routinely performed.  ROUTINELY.  There is something missing.

Has anyone thought about work?  What does this have to do with the world?  What does this have to do with being men, and being women?  What did your money...save?  Prevent?  Create?  I don't think there are answers to these questions, of course.  This is something that most everyone thinks about.  It is related to the question of masculinity.  I think that, biologically, it is very much related.  People like to think of the differences between men and women as being the differences between "Hunters" and "Gatherers."  I don't think that it is this simple, of course.  Cavewomen, as I will refer to them, probably hunted a ton as well.  They were bigger than modern women.  Most muscular.  More like what modern people consider men to be?  Don't know.  The point is that they were well equipped.  They were strong.  They were vicious and biologically inclined, and they killed.  Is killing the key?  I hope not.  Or, at least, if it is, I hope that nature does not abhor a metaphor.  Men killed too, of course.  Until civilization, men killed for dominance.  Men killed for food.  Men killed for sex.  Dominance.  Food.  Sex.  Not necessarily in this order, I suppose, but definitely IN.  To be a man, it appears that you must care about domination.  You must care about food.  And you must care about sex.  Don't be an idiot.  Nothing I ever say is literal.  Unless, I say it is.

It appears that every important thing any man has ever done that was great enough to be remembered by the collective consciousness was done for food, domination, or sex.

What would you kill for?

I am looking for something to dominate.
I am looking for food.
I am looking for sex.

"There must be something we can eat
Maybe find another lover...
...Try to see it once my way
Everything zen...
...There's no sex in your violence"
-Bush

Roadrunner III

She texts me on Thursday:

Her: "Do you have to work tomorrow? Oh this is ::roadrunner:: by the way"
Me: I think that I deleted this message, but I said something about not being sure that my mom's car would make it on Saturday (I obviously didn't read that her message was asking about Friday)
Her: "Well I was going to see if you wanted to run with me on Friday instead"
Me: "You're killing me, lol, i have to work on friday. Unless you run at night?"
Her: "Ha ha sure how late?"
Me: "Well, i will get out of work probably around 3 or 3:30 and then i might take a nap, lol. 5 or 6 too late?"
Her: "How about 5. Is that okay?"
Me: "Yeah, I'll shoot for that. How far are we running? I hope you're okay with running like really slow, lol."
Her: "oh please i don't care how fast we run it won't bother me at all. We can go 3 or 5 or 9. You pick"
Me: "Five sounds about right."
Her: "Okie dokie sounds good. I am so excited! Oh do you want to run out here or by your house?"
Me: "Your area. There isn't much good running around here. Or i'm just bored with it, who knows?"
Her: "Okay can i call and give you directions tomorrow?"
Me: "Yeah, totally. Anyways, i have to wake up to open the shop, so i'm off to bed now. Sleep well."
Her: "Whoops sorry see ya tom."

And so then Friday I wake up and get to work, blah blah, fine. I get off at like noon ish, and then at 2 I have to go to this lame coffee class thing that lasts until about 3 or 3:20. After that Duffy, Scary Eye, and I go to Hottie to look at the clothes. They mostly suck, but they had a few things that weren't too bad. Anyways, I leave, get home, eat, turn right back around and head out to meet Roadrunner. By the time I get there, I'm about ready to piss my pants. I don't know WHY, I just really needed to pee. We actually met in the parking lot of a church a few miles from her place, and ran in that neighborhood, so I just slipped into the church and used their bathroom.

We head out and I can tell immediately that it's going to be an embarrassing night for me. I've only run like once since the half, and I can feel that my legs are just not there for me. We get about a mile and I stop to retie my shoes (my new pair). After that, there is a pretty harsh hill that I end up having to walk the second half of. She does this hill routinely, but she never complains about the pace, even when we start walking. I keep up the interest by pointing out various plants on the side of the street and mentioning their medicinal possibilities when applicable. Everything is actually going pretty well at this point, even though I'm totally holding her back. We get to a certain point, and she says,

"If we go left, it'll be 5 miles total. If we go right, it'll be 3. What do you want to do?"

Now, I hesitate to voice my real choice (3, duh), because I don't want to appear to be such a damn baby. But at the same time, I'll probably look even more stupid if I try to do 5 and end up hurting hard. So I end up standing there for a minute, deliberating. She chimes in,

"I honestly don't care if you want to just do 3. That's fine with me."

"Alright, then let's just do 3."

So we turn right and start running downhill. We run fairly solid for the rest of the time back, making only one short walk break. Now here's the analysis.

She is super super nice. Incredibly encouraging. The mother in movies that died during the main character's childhood but remains a solid memory and vision of support. At the end of the hill, she is all "Good job! You did great!" And when we finished, it was more of the same. It's nice being around someone so pleasant. It's like being hugged, sort of. Warm and fuzzy. Care bears. Rainbows. Gay things. Smiles.

She is sort of out of touch with her generation. When I asked her what she usually listens to on her ipod when she runs, she said "Oh, uh, Journey. Ya know, like Hootie and the Blowfish...." and when I asked if there was anything from within the past 10 years, she couldn't think of anything other than Jack Johnson, "who you can't really run to."

She dressed like how my mom would probably dress if she were going out to run. That was sort of endearing, though. We laughed about fashion, and about our lack of it over the years (wearing sweat pants to class, for example). She has an amazing smile framed by dimples like a gold-leaf filigree frame around some John Currin painting. She had braces once. She wants to be a dental hygienist. She has such fantastic teeth.

Anyways, I'm going to see what I can do about seeing more of her. I texted her something about like "I had fun, giggle giggle, we should do it again, teehee," or something. I'll update as necessary.



Ann-Charlotte by John Currin, 1996

Roadrunner II

I've spoken with her a few more times. I usually stop her after class and talk to her for a few minutes. She called me on Friday to ask if I wanted to go hiking with her and some other people on Saturday. I told her that I had to work so that I would not be able to go. She sounded abnormally distraught about this, which was actually sort of weird, and she asked about the next Saturday. I wasn't on the schedule for the next Saturday, so she suggested I go on a long run with her. That would have been fine, except that she wasn't kidding about the long part. She wanted to do 9 miles. Not impossible or anything, just something that I wasn't excited to do yet. She mentioned that maybe we could hike instead, which sounded way better to me.

Anyways, so then I stopped her after class yesterday and gave her a brochure for the Skirtchaser 5k (http://www.skirtchaser5k.com/) and talked to her a little about Saturday. I, for some reason or another, suggested that we run Peralta Trail, which is a decent 6.5 mile hike. She sounded sort of scared, but maybe up to it. Whatever though, it's all good. I really cannot get a good read on this girl. I think that she might just be really nice, but it'd be pretty dope if she wanted to go out. I think that I'm going to see how Saturday goes, and then maybe ask her out after that.

“She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.”

-Benjamin Franklin

Ironwoman pt I

Last week I stopped by the Rural and Warner shop to pick up a jersey for Matt. He has been wanting to get back on his bike, and maybe get into triathlons again, so he wanted some new gear. Next door to the R&W store there used to be a Scottsdale Running Company, even though R&W is actually Tempe. SRCo used to be my go-to running store, because they gave me a small discount and most of the people were actually very knowledgable. When I arrived at R&W, I noticed that what once was SRCo was now called Sole Sports, so I was made to be very curious. I walked in and was greeted by Ironwoman.

She explained that SRCo was run by partners, and that when one of the partners was arrested for DUI the business exploded and the two stores broke up (there is a SRCo in Scottsdale as well, natch). So now this store was run by one of the partners (I think the one who was NOT arrested) separate of SRCo.

I had some time to kill, and I was in a good enough mood, so I decided to try some new running shoes on. I mean, my current pair are getting pretty tired, and they weren't all that great to begin with. So Ironwoman pulled out like ten different pairs of various shoes that I might like. We shot the shit while I tried them all on. She was fairly cute, and pretty cool, so I of course fall immediately in love with her. I call her Ironwoman because she is a world class triathlete. She placed 3rd among women overall at the World Triathlon Championship last year, and she has done like 3 or 4 full length Ironman Tris. My DAD describes her as "amazing."

Two days later, I decide that I might actually be able to use a new pair since, like I said, my old pair isn't the best thing ever. So I head back in to Sole, and am happy to see that Ironwoman is working. She remembers me, which is cute. She brings out about four pairs. The first one is the Asics Gel Cumulus, and this is the pair that I end up going with. I talk to her more while I'm trying on all of the pairs, and I find out that our families actually know each other. Apparently her mom used to be way into triathlon and stuff, and she used to go to my dad's shop for her gear. Blah blah blah, they had a falling out, but now they're cool. Anywho, I was at the counter, and she was ringing me up. The words were floating up into and out of my mouth when this other dude who worked there came out of nowhere and chilled out at the other register, which is like right next to her. He started talking to me, lame. So I left. I called back later to ask her out, but she had already gone home. I went back in the next day, but she wasn't working. Now what?

"The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do."

Orison Swett Marden

13.1 Miles of Vindication

Let's start with Saturday. The expo. We were going to drive together, but Julee stayed at her parents' house, which is in Phoenix, so we decided to just meet at the convention center. We were both late, though I was a little extra late. Whatever. We meet there. Hug. Honesty: she doesn't look as good as I was remembering, though she certainly didn't look bad. Her eyes are smaller, somehow. Memory magnifies, I suppose. We walked around the expo and got some free stuff, and then took off. Nothing big.

The plan for Sunday was that I'd call her and pick her up then drive us both to the pick up spot for the shuttles (you park at the finish, then take a shuttle to the start so that when you're done you can just walk to your car. This all required that we be parked and waiting for a shuttle before 7:30, since the last shuttle leaves at that time. I had some trouble sleeping the night before, and ended up getting up and taking a shower around 5:15 or so. I ate then and called her, apparently waking her up. I found out later that she was stupid and went out drinking the night before (didn't get drunk, but was out until like 3:30am, and was wearing heels), so she only got about an hour of sleep. The entire morning from when I picked her up until we actually passed mile one she complained about how tired she was ("to the point of nausea"), and how she sort of wished that she had slept through my phone call and stayed home. We stayed together until around mile 9.5, at which point I was having some issues (my right knee), so I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She really wanted to break 3:00 hours (we were on pace for about 2:55 or so if we had been able to continue that same pace, though I would've held her back what with my knee).

She took off then, and I took to a steady quick walking pace. I kept this same pace until about mile 11, at which point I was planning on running again, however, my knee was only worse, so I decided to hold out for the last .6 miles or so. Also, my left ankle was starting to act up a bit. I found myself at mile 12, and I was starting to feel the beginning of cramps in both of my calves, and my right quad, so I hit a cup of Accelerade, and looked for a COACH who might have salt (the marathon hires people to walk around certain portions of the race shouting encouragement and possibly advice. Some of these people also carry salt with them for people who may be cramping, although certainly not all of them do this). I then ran out of water, and entered the bridge over Tempe Town Lake (Mill Ave Bridge), which told me that I was about .8 miles from the finish, with no water in sight. I spotted a COACH and asked them if they had any salt, which they did not. Worried, but not too much so, I decided to just go, since there was no help between where I was and the finish. So I picked it up to a quick pace and ran the bridge. On the way down the bridge however, my left calf and my right quad entered full spasming cramps, which was intense. At the bottom of the bridge, when we take a left on to Rio Salado, they were both largely completely seized, so I stopped for a moment and tried to stretch them out. This sort of helped, and I started walking again. After about 100 meters, I decided that I was going to run that last little .4 miles regardless, so I took back up, and didn't stop until I was through the line.

I was a little more exhilarated than I expected, honestly, as I weeded my way through the massive chaos that is the ending line family reunion area. I couldn't find my mom, so I just made my way back to my car. I met up with Julee, who DID finish under 3:00 (I think she was like 2:53). I finished 3:05, by the way. We walked back to get my car, only to realize that I had parked on the third floor of a parking garage. The stairs looked pretty hardcore, so we just walked to HER car (she had left it nearby the night before), and she was going to drive me up to mine. She did this, and then we promptly sat in a line for 20 minutes. I think that an ambulance was on the first floor, blocking anyone from leaving. I felt really bad about this though, because Julee was supposed to be at work at 2:00, and we didn't get out of that garage until 1:40. In any case, I decided to play at mass that night, because I wasn't dying, and I sort of need the money.

Here's the point, though: I'm over her. I realized that I still think she is cool and smart and all that, but that I'm not attracted to her anymore. Physically. Emotionally. Whatever. I look at her as a friend now. I can't guarantee that this is a permanent condition, since she will always be a very specific character in my love history, but for now, I have moved on. I think that is what I am most excited about after this weekend. I mean, I set a new distance watermark for myself, and I proved that I can do something that I was wondering if I was going to be able to do, but really, moving on from her is much larger. I'm happy about this.

"Moving on moving on from town to town
Movin' on I can't seem to stop now
Movin' on I never seem to slow down"

Movin' On by Bad Company

Her Legs Grow

This next weekend is the Half Marathon. That's 13.1 miles through Phoenix and a little bit of Tempe. This post isn't really about running, though. It's about Julee.

I spoke to her on the phone this morning about how we're going to work this weekend out. The expo is on Saturday, and that is where you go to get all final registration stuff and race number and all that. There are also vendor booths and free stuff and whatnot. It's a lot of fun, actually. I went with her last year when she ran the full marathon, and we said that we'll go together this year since parking is a bitch and we're both doing it anyways. So that's Saturday. I think that on Sunday we'll probably drive to the race together, too.

Speaking to her on the phone is weird, still. I mean, it's hard for me to deny that I still have feelings for her. She is perhaps THE most intelligent girl that I've ever known (sorry Ash and others), which is tremendously appealing to me. I recently had a conversation with Ambuler about how it's hard for me to find girls that I can really talk to (I can listen to anyone, but it's hard to find someone who can actually listen back). Now, those of you who have been around for a year or more may remember that I became disconcerted by the fact that I didn't talk to Julee. Paul died, and I didn't call my girlfriend. I called someone else. I felt like I couldn't speak to her about stuff like that. Now that we're just friends though, I am able to talk to her about more things, so it's like the one MAJOR issue in the relationship has been worked out. That makes it difficult for me for what I would think are obvious reasons.

It is sort of evident to me that she has the same problems with guys that I have with girls. She cannot find guys who are smart enough to talk to her and listen to her. She knows though that I am that guy. That's why she wants us to remain friends, I think. So that she has more than just girls in her life, because she doesn't even really like girls, I don't think.

Is it arrogant to assume that she still harbors secret feelings for me? If she holds valuable the same things that she used to, then there is no way that she doesn't. Or is that the flaw of the ex? To always assume that they are still wanted? Hmmm.

So anyways, here're the main points:

1) Julee and I are essentially spending the whole weekend together
2) We will be in more or less vulnerable/embarrassing situations that generally render one overly emotional
3) I obviously still have feelings for her
4) Am I afraid of the word "love"?
5) I am worried that she'll ask me to get back with her or something after the race
6) Aren't these the same things that I wondered about when we met for coffee months ago?
7) I wonder if I'm somehow thinking with the wrong part of my body (head vs heart, you perverts)?


I guess I don't really know what the hell is going on. Oh, and just to add to her litany of confusing actions, Duffy rolled her eyes in frustration when she walked in on me talking to Ambuler about hanging out with Julee this weekend.

I think that I'd like to hook up with one or two girls at least before getting seriously considering getting back with Juju. I mean, if I didn't, then this whole time off would have been a stupid pointless lie. Someone stop me.

I think that honestly if I manage to get back into shape, I will want her less. Does that make sense? I am also making the possibly erroneous assumption that after I lost some weight I'll be better able to meet other girls, so that must be related somehow. I don't know, like I said, someone stop me.

"Your Legs Grow" by Nada Surf

If you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost

you're the only person in the world
i feel that way about
and if you move off to the side
i'll get swept back out
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow

there's a light that rises up
from the bottom of the lake
and its beam has hit me hard
now i'm wide awake
where it's cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow
cold but not that deep
cuz your legs grow

if you were here
baby we'd increase the dose
there was no fear
in my room when we got close
call me anytime you've got a ghost

Favorite Sites

usatf.org/routes

Here's the start of a new regular thingy. I'm going to write about some of my favorite sites online. The first is USA Track & Field's "America's Running Routes" page found at usatf.org/routes. With help from a Google Maps feature, you can look up your area with a satellite image or a drawn streets map and plot out the route that you just ran or plan to run. Then it tells you the total distance of that route. This is super helpful for those of us who run but don't own foot pods or gps units that map our routes automatically. I use this page all the time, and I am always telling other runners about it.

I remember back in like 2003 when I was running on a canal in central Phoenix and I had an idea for the exact same feature. I went online looking for the AZ canals website, sort of assuming that they would already have this sort of thing available, since they are always bragging about their Sonoran Trail or whatever that thing is that runners are supposed to follow that moves along the canal for a while. Anywho, I'm glad that someone finally actually designed the damn thing, and I think that there are a few others out there now, too.

“Learn to run when feeling the pain: then push harder.”
-William Sigei

“Great people and great athletes realize early in their lives their destiny, and accept it. Even if they do not consciously realize the how, the where, the what."
-Percy Wells Cerutty

“When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I'd walk when cars passed me. I'd pretend I was looking at the flowers.”
-Joan Benoit Samuelson

Visions of greatness

I can see myself doing things. Great things. Actually, usually things so great that they are hard for most other to envision themselves doing. Completing an Ironman. Running 100 miles. Curing cancer. My photo on the covers of magazines. Being remembered, and for good reason. I sometimes get embarrassed about it. Sometimes though, I am excited about it. Does that make me selfish? Are these visions of the future, or just the dreams of a hopeless man? Does everyone have these images? Do people only have images of things within their reach? Does the two digit IQ working as a checkout girl really see herself being internationally loved? Is the 57 year old man with dental problems riding on top of that tractor up the road just waiting for his big break? Do people know their limitations? What about the person who has been told that he has no limitation? My dad once told me that he wasn't worried about me. He was confident that no matter what I chose to do, I'd be successful to the highest degree. He told me this in the middle of me worrying about choosing a major and a life path. It ended the conversation. I wonder if he is right. I wonder if there is anything that I cannot do. Is this arrogance? If I completely dedicated myself to any one thing would I be the world's best at that thing? If I decide that I am only here to end cancer or AIDs or something, does that mean that I'm actually going to cure those things? Is it really just a matter of me deciding where to point myself? And what happens if I'm wrong? If I dedicate my life to curing cancer, and then I don't, does my existence justify itself or not? Is there a failure of life? I wonder these things while I sit here thinking about what I'll say to GQ in my interview after I win the nobel. Will I call them out for their consumerist stances? Should I only grant interviews to Adbusters and other grassroots and cause-based publications? Hard questions to answer.

I'm off for a run.

Challenge and Defeat

(I'll update about Ashlee a little later).

I find that in my life I seek out defeat. I don't mean that I like to lose, or that I have a defeatist personality. I mean that when it comes to athletics and exercise and sports and such, I like difficulty. Of course. Therein lies the point of the activity I suppose. I've always found that I'm an above average athlete. With a sort of minimal exertion I can usually exceed the average standard. For this reason, certain sports can become sort of "boring" for me, and I seem to be drawn to those at which I do not immediately excel. Case in point: running.

I am not a very good runner, nor have I ever been. Even when I only weighed 150, I still was not very quick or particularly blessed for distance. The quickest mile that I ever ran was about 7:30 or so, and the longest distance that I ran completely (without large stretches of walking) was 10k (6.2 miles), and that still took me about an hour and 20 minutes. Now that I am 60-75 pounds heavier, running has become even harder for me. I can run a maxed out mile in about 9:56 or so now, and i can only run an outright two miles without stopping for a walk break. I have decent biomechanics, I think, and above average cardiovascular conditioning (this may be a genetic thing, as I have good conditioning even when I'm very out of shape). The problem now is just moving this much weight for a long period of time. I ran/walked a 10k last May with my brother in about 1:40 or so, which is crazy slow. I just did 7.05 miles or so last week, but it took me about 1:50.

Athletes are interesting. They are very aware of the aging process, as they can see on paper how much they have slowed down. A runner can see exactly how much they have aged by seeing how much their mile time has dropped. They may see exactly how much older they have become by examining their pain levels in the 22nd mile of the marathon. It must be an odd sensation, knowing precisely how much less you are than you were, or at least how different you are. In his new book, "Again to Carthage," the sequel to his cult classic, "Once a Runner," John L. Parker's character Denton explains it to the protagonist Cassidy this way:

"...Your average citizen isn't that connected to the physical realm. Builders, farmers, your grandfather probably was more
than most, In an older time, with say manual agriculture or hunting-gathering, you always knew how much less you could
carry than a year ago. Believe me, when dinner depends on running game to the ground, you notice pretty quick when it
starts to get harder."
"You've done some thinking about this."
"You will, too. Modern civilian though, things happen too slowly to notice. Jeeminy, when did the basement steps get me
wheezing? Am I old or just out of shape? And if you were never IN shape, is there any difference?"
"Whereas we can just watch ourselves slowing down like there's a gauge on the dashboard."

This sounds scary and sad, but isn't NOT knowing even more frightening? The phrase "Am I old or just out of shape? And if you were never IN shape, is there any difference?" is particularly en pointe. I think that I'd like to experience life, and experience the slow decline thereof as well.

Running also has an interesting dynamic. It takes me at least two miles before my body really wakes up and decides that it wants to keep moving. This isn't the second wind. The second wind usually hits me at around mile 6 or so, which is unfortunately also about the time that my feet are hurting too much for me to keep moving forward, and I'm already largely on my way home. I am excited though that one day this won't happen until mile ten or more, and so I will be able to enjoy the second wind. For those who don't know, there is a discernible point during the run at which you are exhausted and then seemingly become re-energized or reinvigorated or something. You are still tired, but it seems like a switch was flipped and you are now running on new fuel. It's enjoyable, and I've only experience it with running. With cycling it seems like you have one peak right before the halfway point in the ride and then it is a slow decline into painful hell until you stop. Running has that double peak that I yearn for.

I have only enjoyed a runner's high two or three times in my life. The first two were back in the 160 pound days while I was running around Piestewa (read: Squaw) Peak. It was a 3-4 mile loop, or a 5 mile wandering trail that I liked to do, I don't remember which. Anyways, I became euphoric and exhilarated and felt like I could not run fast enough to match this feeling. It was amazing. The latest time actually happened on a treadmill during a 1.5 mile tempo run at 24Hour Fitness. At 1 mile in, with .5 mile to go, running at about 90% effort (7 mph, I think), I experienced a distinctly physical high. I noticed that my respiratory muscles began to burn, and I was expecting that painful near-cramping, vomit-inducing pain that accompanies high exertion. On the contrary, I felt a blood rush like what I used to get form powerlifting, and my entire upper torso and shoulders (diaphragm, intercostals, pecs, all neck muscles, anterior delts, and lats) felt amazing. It was not the mind altering high of the trail runs, but an almost orgasmic physical sensation. I felt like I never wanted to stop, but unfortunately had to get back home to shower and go to class, so I had to. I have had trouble recapturing that same feeling, but I am certainly trying.

I'm not sure where I intended to go with this entry, and I seem to be just rambling and jumping around randomly. My point is that running is not natural for me, and I seek out it's defeats as they keep me hungry. This is necessary for me, though other people get discouraged easily by those things, and should then find easier forms of exercise. I'll end this entry with another excerpt from "Again to Carthage," this one being thoughts coming to Cassidy as he does a tempo run through wooded trails:

"Picking his way carefully along the trail, he thought about something he had read about the great alpine climbers. As
children, they grew up surrounded by a vast landscape of unattainable peaks. As they grew older, stronger, and more
skillful, when they looked up, they saw more and more places they had been to and to which they could not return at will.
That zone of accessibility would grow and grow over the years until the very best of the guides could stand in the village
squares and turn full circle, searching the horizon in vain for some tiny forbidden aerie they had not conquered, some
remote crag beyond their powers.

It would have to be a wonderful and prideful thing, to feel so thoroughly at home in such a daunting and beautiful
landscape. But as they grew older, the climbers who survived would find that some peaks were difficult again, some climbs
strangely taxing, some routes quite impossible. They would realize, to their surprise, that the process was reversible;
that it was, in fact, reversing.

You could see them, the aged former heroes sitting sadly in the village square, turning full circle to gaze at a frozen world
once again inaccessible to them."

Oh, and this quote from Plato would be good here as well, just as a self-caution:

"The mere athlete becomes too much of a savage, the musician is melted and softened beyond what is good for him. The two should therefore be blended in the right proportion."

Commitment

Can you really commit to more than one thing? As I was thinking more about previous weights and shapes lifted and carried, it occurred to me that it's about not much more than commitment. When I was at my strongest, it was because I was totally committed to being strong. When I was at my leanest, it was because I was totally committed to beinglean. Now that I am doing better in school than I ever have before, it is because I am foremost concerned with my school performance, above other things. Is this how it has to be? Can I only be successful in one thing at a time? Or is this only a consequence of a strained schedule? If that is true, it is not comforting, as I have another 5-10 years of fairly intensive schooling and such.

There are many things that i'd like to be associated with; a successful student, a long distance runner, an effective powerlifter, a size 32 waist, for example. I don't like the idea of any of these things defining me, though. I do not want to be A long distance runner any more than I want to be A successful student. I want them both. I want to be defined by the tremendous breadth of my talents, and the degree to which I have mastered them, but it seems increasingly hard. To be a successful student, I need to devote a large portion of my time to studying and homework, which cuts back on available time for running and working out. To be a successful powerlifter or bodybuilder, I need to spend a large portion of my time cooking and eating and resting. To be whatever else, I need time to do whatever. It comes down to time, I guess. Time management? I don't know. I don't think that I want to live on a schedule again. It worked well for me at the time, but I also had a steady girlfriend, so I didn't need to really have any time for generic socializing. I sort of just scheduled her in when we both had a block open. This worked, but only because we both were sort of strained for time, and it was the only time that we were both available anyways.

Do I live on a grid? Do I want to? It's harder now, since my work schedule changes a bit every week, and it is going to change drastically into this Holiday season. So do I use that excuse to spend the rest of this semester retaining time and focus on school, and start a new focus during December? Who knows? I think that I'm going to open Excel now.

"There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or out. There's no such thing as a life in-between."
-Pat Riley

Amber

Okay, so Amber sits next to me in EXW325. She has the most amazing skin tone ever, and her eyes are incredible to boot. She has a slight goofiness to her, which makes me think that she probably doesn't get hit on a whole lot. So anyways, I am not a freak about it or anything, but I throw her a compliment every now and then, and I went full bore on it like a week ago. I told her something along the lines of "Can I tell you something? No matter how you're dressed, or what you've done with your hair, you always look so beautiful." She responded with like, *blush/smile* "I'm usually just wearing pajamas or something" (this isn't even really true, by the way), to which I then said "I know, that's why I'm so impressed." Ashlee thinks that this was lame of me, and that Amber probably thinks I'm creepy now. I have evidence to the contrary however. So ha, read on Ashlee bitch.

I was sitting in class, waiting for the professor to get there, and Amber came in and sat down. Now, normally, I'd say something like "Hi, how are you doing?" and then not really talk to her much after that. NOW though, after last week's love fest, SHE says "Hey, how're you doing?" to which I responded sort of lightly, and returned the question, then she sort of pushed a conversation, and we talked about her knees and her horses and stuff. It was nice, and she is very pretty. Of course, this would have been a good time to ask her out, and see really how far she was, but I didn't want to risk the chance of proving Ashlee right, so I didn't.

Oh, and I also talked a lot to Lauren beFORE class, but sort of decided that I think I'd rather be just friends with her. I asked her to go to dinner with me, but as friends. We might go this weekend.

"We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes."
-John F. Kennedy

Rebirth

So I just admired house and horse for about 7 miles. In other words, I just ran and walked a little more than 7 miles. It took me forever, and I walked at LEAST as much as I ran, but it was long overdo. Sometimes a bloodletting is necessary. I want to keep going, but my bones and skin are blowing away. I like Coldplay more when I run than at any other time. I saw some beautiful homes, and some beautiful animals, and I found a couple of little alleys and thoroughfares that may come in handy later. I was out there for an hour and 45 minutes, which is way slower than I'd like, but I wasn't all that worried about my time, frankly. I just needed to be on my feet and moving for more than 30 minutes (it's been a long while).

Second winds are funny things. After a certain point, my feet become so painful, and my legs become so tired that I just want to quit. However, when the second wind really kicks in, it is actually less painful to run than it is to walk. I like that idea. Again, pain is perception. Pain is unexpected, and sometimes welcome in the light of monotony. Walking may become boring and painful; running then becomes a release. A chance to sleep in a waking world. We should fight the impulses of society and realign ourselves with the earth's desires. Movement. Flow. Remove stagnation.

"rapid motion through space elates one"
James Joyce

Karma and such

I like the idea of karma, because it makes sense to me. It is comforting. It is the existence of God paraphrased but somehow made more clear. It is a rewards system (not one based on punishment, as some tend to believe), and it is the ether that links all of the universe of existence. Karma is in a constant struggle for equilibrium, always seeking to equalize forces, and eliminate pulls in either direction. Such is chi, and such is the concept of yin and yang.

Yin and Yang are not representative of opposite forces, but rather the representation of the lack of the existence of opposites. It is that all things exist simultaneously within their opposite concept. Love cannot exist without hate, because it would be nothing. Cold and hot are relative ideas that are defined alternately by the excess of one, or the lack of the other, but really, all things are both, only to certain degrees in either direction. The key to love within the universe is balancing oneself with the desires of the karma of creation.

To be in balance is essentially to experience life as a human, with good and bad things affecting us sometimes greatly. It is not the quest for baseline or normalization. We all wronlgy seek out numb floating. Pain is the essence of life. Wanting is painful, and salvation can only be realized when we stop wanting and let pain exist. It is our concept of pain that helps us get through life in this way. What IS pain? What I consider painful may be wonderful and loving. How do we receive pain? We are told that pain should be avoided and that we should hate pain; but what worthwhile experience is NOT accompanied or preceded by some degree of painfulness? All things that should happen, happen with pain. Love is a path of generosity; an access to something that will make us better. In this way, pain is love, and should be received as such. When things in life are hurtful and cause us to yearn for numbness and desensitization, we should instead look to see in what way we will be made better by the pain. We should not run from it, but to it. Live for pain.

"Pain solves everything."
BME slogan

Fear and Self Loathing

HISTORY:
I've been overweight my whole life. Not necessarily "fat" (I know this in hindsight only), as I apparently have always carried the weight well and come off as muscular, but overweight and certainly over fat nonetheless. I was 185 (at 5'8") as a freshman in high school, and I had not really ever worked out or anything previously, so it was a loose 185 (size 36 pants). I played football those two years and got up to about 190 or 195 (still size 36) during the sophomore season. I didn't play junior year and stuck around 195 (size 38) or so. I'd lost a lot of muscle because I did not replace the exercise I lost from football. On the first day of senior year (2002), I began a hardcore low carb diet and lost weight like crazy. I dropped 18 pounds in two weeks and eventually landed at around 165 in October or so. I joined the wrestling team and was asked to get down to 152. I did, no problem. I never once had a problem making weight. I came in at 151.5 (size 30) for the entire season (except State Finals, for which I was 153). I did well. I was one of the best wrestlers on the team, though I did poorly at State (8th). After the season, I finished out the semester at around 160 (size 32) or so.

After graduation, I stayed around 160. In August (2003), I joined a gym and made it to 161.5 and 11% body fat, which was my all time best at that point. I continued to bodybuild and powerlift (powerbuilding, essentially, with a bias towards bodybuilding). By the next spring (2004), I was about 170 (size 33), and rather muscular. I spent that Summer literally eating everything possible, and got up to 215 by the next Fall, though I was still more thick and muscular than anything else. In January 2005, I began to diet back down again, and in the Spring of that year I was about 180 and muscular. I spent the summer working at a bike shop, working out, and rock climbing a few times a week. I was about 185 (size 36, sort of loose though) and very muscular (for me) in August, when I fell from a bouldering wall and broke my ankle. I had surgery to repair it and was laid up for a few weeks. I had to withdraw from school, and I spent that semester gaining 40 pounds of fat (225lbs). I had trouble getting back in to the gym, even after I was given the all clear to begin heavy loading again. I hit an all time high of 230 (size 40, tight) that Summer. It was not a solid 230.

I went back to college that August 2006, and began to eat a vegetarian diet. I moved on to campus to accommodate my intense pre med schedule. I had trouble still keeping to a program (diet or physical). I stayed at about 225-228 that semester (size 40). I attended the pre-race convention for the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Marathon 2007 with Julee (who was running it), and was inspired by the energy. I enrolled in a Spring Half Marathon (Whiskey Row in Prescott), and a Summer Full (San Diego Rock N Roll). I had trouble really sticking to a running program because my schedule was even more intense than the semester before it. Spring rolled around and I had to downgrade to the 10k Whiskey Row, and I dropped entirely out of the San Diego race. Disappointing, but I still enjoyed the experience in Whiskey Row, which I ran with my brother.

At that point, I was between 223-225 (size 40). I spent the Summer working and occassionally running and working out. I started the Fall semester at 226. I've spent this semester battling various issues with food, though I've managed to work out and run and hike enough to find myself at 213.5 (size 36) and losing. I am enrolled in the PF Chang's Rock n Roll Half Marathon in January. I was recently measured to be 23.2% body fat at 214.5 lbs.

ETIOLOGY and EFFECTS:
My mother used to tell me to eat less, and would ask me "You don't want to be obese, do you?" However, I was 10 when she asked this. I had no idea what obese really was. I also didn't see the connection between eating and obesity clearly. I found myself feeling ashamed when she said these sorts of things to me, and I responded by eating even more. I spent a lot of time eating or finding ways to eat. I ate crazy things (american cheese and butter on a tortilla with ranch dressing). It got quite out of hand. I found that I was able to eat enormous quantities of food in single sittings, and this "talent" was encouraged by family when we went out to eat.

In high school, my closest ring of male friends referred to me by the nickname "Fat." It was sort of intense to be called just that singular word so often, as a noun. As if it were THE thing that I WAS. I couldn't help but be affected negatively by this, even though I think that I was a fairly strongly willed person.

When I lost so much weight in Senior Year, I was flattered by the apparent circling concern among faculty that I was anorexic. People remarked to me, "You look so good now" and "Your face is built so much differently than I'd expected!" The word "now" from that first statement stands out to me. I take that to mean "You look good NOW, you didn't THEN." I was also able to finally convince Julee to date me, after months and months of trying (I started courting her in February 2002, and she didnt' go out with me until December in the Senior year (2002). EVERYTHING in my life seemed to get better.

I enjoyed bodybuilding very much, and I loved the way that my body looked, although I still felt like I had fat to lose. I was never satisfied, even when my friends told me how lean I was, or how excellent I looked. One girl (Korey, Danette's best friend at the time) even commented once while walking behind me, "Nathan, holy shit, you're so tiny! Your waist is smaller than mine!" But I couldn't hear these things.

When I gained the 40 pounds in the Summer of 2004, it was by eating anything and everything and working out very intensely 4 or 5 times a week. I was at my most muscular, though also maybe my fattest. I was not bothered by this though, as I felt like I was laying the muscular groundwork, and that I could diet the fat off later.

I broke my ankle at the end of the Summer of 2005, when I was probably at my all time most FIT. I was lifting the heaviest weights of my life, cycling to work (15.5 miles one way), rockclimbing, and doing other active things, too. So breaking my ankle was like falling off of a mountain. I had reached this awesome pinnacle of fitness, only to fall (literally) into a depressive inactive state.

I gained weight and gained weight.

Summer of 2006 hit me with 230 pounds and a tight size 40 pants. I was actually probably more like a 42, but I absolutely refused to buy a pair of 42 waist pants. This was the fattest AND least fit point in my life. I was mired in depression, and felt helpless. I struggled with eating issues. In the Fall of 2006, I found that I had to force myself to NOT purge, and that I was exhibiting symptoms of anorexia. I battled with it alone for that entire semester, not really telling anyone who could help me (I told Leslie, but she was limited in her capacity to help.

I've learned about anorexia athletica and hypergymnasia, which are basically when a person uses to exercise to overcompensate for food intake. Generally this is considered when someone figures "Ok, I ate 1000 calories today, so I need to do at least 1000 calories worth of exercise to make sure that I don't gain any weight." I didn't know it at the time, but I see now that back in Spring 2004 I did exactly that. I would say "I want to go out to eat with Julee tonight, and I think that I'm going to eat 750 calories, so I'm going to do 1000 calories worth of cardio before I go to compensate."

I still have issues with disordered eating. Lately, I've been refuting my body's desire to begin anorexic behaviors. Anorexia is either the absence or denial of appetite. I have had to force myself to eat a few times this past semester, and I'm finding that I'm losing weight for no apparent reason. I'm not really dieting, and I've not done very well to stick to an exercise program (even in light of the impending half marathon). However, this semester I have dropped from about 225 to my current 213.5. The past weekend (Thursday through Sunday), I ate poorly and excessively every day. I stepped on the scale on Tuesday just to see what sort of effect that had on me, only to find that I'd lost another half of a pound. I'm excited, but also worried. I'd like to be below 200 when I run the half, if that is possible, but I've decided to not focus on outcome oriented goals. Rather, I'm trying to set lifestyle or behavior goals, in the belief that the outcomes will follow.

I've spoken to Ashlee and Julee about my eating issues. I feel guilty because I never spoke to Julee about it while it was happening. But we are still great friends, so I feel comfortable talking to her about it. Ashlee is my girl, and she understands having issues with image and beauty, so I think that she gets me as far as this is concerned.

I feel ashamed of these things. I feel like I'm far too intelligent and aware to be victim to such silly things. However, I also feel like I can't affect my situation at this point. I'm a car with a full tank of gas in the middle of a faceless desert.

"Pray not for lighter burdens but for stronger backs."
-T. Roosevelt