Ramble On

I usually watch shitty tv. Or sometimes good tv, but mostly just sitcoms and other light nonsense of that ilk.  It is the only way that I have found to at least temporarily dull the sensation of her absence.  I don't know why I still have to endure it.  I would think that it should have passed by now, it has certainly been quite a while.  For whatever reason though, I can't move on.  I am stuck.  Stuck at 250, stuck on her, stuck on this couch.  I really do know and believe that she was wrong for me, and that she could never be right for me.  I get that.  I know and believe that she treated me like shit, even if she maybe also loved me.  It is how it is sometimes.  I used to wonder about my friends having trouble getting over their emotionally abusive boyfriends.  I would ask "What is it?  Why would you even think about talking to that guy, let alone want to be with him?"  Now I understand when they said, "I don't know."  I understand because I do not know.

Once a week, usually.  Sometimes when I am driving.  Too many songs remind me of her.  So sometimes when I am driving, I will scratch lazily at an itch on my cheek, and then I will understand what is happening.  I sing sometimes when I drive, too.  Before, I used to scream.  Loudly and unabashedly.  I think that I actually did some real damage to my throat doing this, but it helped me express something.  Probably anger, but I think frustration most likely.  I for a while was scared because I found myself converting all emotions to anger.  My old self thought that this was bad, and that all anger was to be avoided.  In real hindsight, anger was saving for me.  If I didn't learn how to change despair into anger, I would not have come out of it.  A few times, I thought about borrowing something from a friend to finish things off.  I figured out slowly how turn anger into movement.  How to use it as fuel.  I don't hold a grudge, and I don't do things out of spite.  I learned to use anger.