So I just got off the phone with Zolee. I tried calling her twice this weekend, but got her voicemail both times, so I was just about to write her off when I saw "[Zolee]" light up on my phone's LED screen. We had a decent conversation about a wide range of first conversation topics: "Why the hell would you move TO arizona?" "You're from Florida? Oh, I hated Florida." "You've lived here for four months and haven't even been hiking, and it's because you don't know where to go? Oh, well I will not take this opportunity to ask you out for a hike. Instead, I'm just going to berate you." Those things and others. Anywho, her phone sucks. I think that it is still serviced from Florida, because it had a shit connection, and there was an obvious delay on the line, or she was dumb and had to take a second to comprehend my hilarity before she laughed. I mean, I speak QUICKLY, so I need a reliable phone connection. I don't know, I think that I can get over it.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Rebirth
So I just admired house and horse for about 7 miles. In other words, I just ran and walked a little more than 7 miles. It took me forever, and I walked at LEAST as much as I ran, but it was long overdo. Sometimes a bloodletting is necessary. I want to keep going, but my bones and skin are blowing away. I like Coldplay more when I run than at any other time. I saw some beautiful homes, and some beautiful animals, and I found a couple of little alleys and thoroughfares that may come in handy later. I was out there for an hour and 45 minutes, which is way slower than I'd like, but I wasn't all that worried about my time, frankly. I just needed to be on my feet and moving for more than 30 minutes (it's been a long while).
Second winds are funny things. After a certain point, my feet become so painful, and my legs become so tired that I just want to quit. However, when the second wind really kicks in, it is actually less painful to run than it is to walk. I like that idea. Again, pain is perception. Pain is unexpected, and sometimes welcome in the light of monotony. Walking may become boring and painful; running then becomes a release. A chance to sleep in a waking world. We should fight the impulses of society and realign ourselves with the earth's desires. Movement. Flow. Remove stagnation.
"rapid motion through space elates one"
James Joyce
Top Five Songs
***For the sake of symmetry, I've added six songs here, as there are six albums on my previous list.***
So to continue my top five listing, here is the list of the top five songs in my life. These songs are on the list for various reasons, including their immediacy to my circumstance, sincerity of lyrics, or just plain beautiful arrangement.
This list is in no particular order, and I got all the lyrics from www.sing365.com, so they might not be 100% accurate.
1) DO IT AGAIN - NADA SURF
This is the second song on the CD "The Weight is a Gift," which is on my Top Five Albums list. This song is a perfection of alternative rock, and seems to have been written FOR me. The sentiment of waiting and wanting is common in alternative rock, though I think it is most masterfully explained in this song. The feeling that one is spending one's life just existing, hoping for something great, but not really knowing how to achieve it is a feeling that I secretly hold. This song also contains the key lyric that is also the name of the album, "Maybe this weight was a gift." This line is intensely important to me, as it seems to apply to all aspects of my life. On a literal level, as I constantly battle my own weight, I have to wonder how much better I will be when I come to defeat it, or at least learn to love it. On a more wide reaching level, I wonder if the burden of my own martyrdom will in fact pay off later in some way that I cannot appreciate yet fully.
"well i'd snap to attention
if i thought that you knew the way
i'd open my mouth
if i had something smart to say
i bought a stack of books
i didn't read a thing
it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing
let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
the hum of the clock
is a far-away place
the azalea air holding your face
you're lying down
and the moon is sideways
(from the hot to the cold
it never gets old)
it's like i'm sitting here
waiting for birds to sing
i spend all my energy
staying upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby
let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
(please) please let's do it again
(come on) come on let's do it again
i want you lazy science
i want some peace
are you the future?
show me the keys
i spend all my energy
walking upright
and i like the masking noise quiet
of your breathing nearby
when i accelerate
i remember why it's good to be alive
like a twenty-five cent game
maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift
i spend all my energy
walking upright
maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift
i spend all my energy
walking upright
maybe this weight was a gift"
2) GO OR GO AHEAD - RUFUS WAINWRIGHT
This song is number 6 on Rufus McGarrigle Wainwright's amazing album "Want One," which is on my top 5 albums list. This song made my list initially on its musical merits. It is an extremely powerful superballad with massive harmonies and intricate arrangements. The song speaks about love and abandonment and isolation. There is a feeling of wanting; screaming in the wilderness at uncaring trees. It is being in the middle of a crowd of wives and feeling completely alone and unloved. The song begins and ends with lyrics that are very important to me. It begins this way:
"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love"
and ends this way:
"This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"
The song sums up all of my fears about God and love, and makes me want to give up, which is a powerful thing to feel. I appreciate also though that the song does not deny love, just the definition that we all want to give it. The song calls to task the idea of love as a painful thing, and perhaps is speaking more about the hypocrisy of modern understandings of love.
"Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love
You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love
So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love
You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me
Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying"
3) PARANOID ANDROID - RADIOHEAD
One of the few songs in which I can find no fault. It is about alienation within modern culture, and isolation in an increasingly branded world. It may be getting clear that I relate well to ideas of isolation and alienation, and this song explains it on a societal level. Additionally, the music in the song is inspired evolutionary rock. It combines simplified cerebral rhythms with ambience and dynamism. It's quite simply brain music, for me. It puts my brain in a state of agitated excitement, but in a good way.
"Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
When I am king, you will be first against the wall
with your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking, screaming gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
That's it sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!"
4) TWO-HEADED BOY - NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL
This is perhaps the most simple song on my list. The music is not technically impressive. The singing is not particularly impressive. The chord progressions are not particularly progressive or advanced. However, this song could not be more beautiful than it is, as it is. The lyrics are some of the most amazing that I've ever heard, even though I am still not sure how I take the song. It seems to me to be a statement about a delicate life. Something about separation and depression. In this song I hear freedom in art and music, but slavery in love and society. This song relates to my tendency to hide things away within myself - hide things that may be more of my true self than any of the other things that people see of me. I hear in this song that no one dies alone, or that God exists. I'm not sure if those are the same thing or not.
"Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it has passed
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are
Two-headed boy
Put on Sunday shoes
And dance round the room to accordion keys
With the needle that sings in your heart
Catching signals that sound in the dark
Catching signals that sound in the dark
We will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds
Two-headed boy
With pulleys and weights
Creating a radio played just for two
In the parlor with a moon across her face
And through the music he sweetly displays
Silver speakers that sparkle all day
Made for his lover who's floating and choking with her hands across her face
And in the dark we will take off our clothes
And they'll be placing fingers through the notches in your spine
And when all is breaking everything that you could keep inside
Now your eyes ain't moving now
They just lay there in their clouds
Two-headed boy
There is no reason to grieve
The world that you need is wrapped in gold silver sleeves
Left beneath Christmas trees in the snow
And I will take you and leave you alone
Watching spirals of white softly flow
Over your eyelids and all you did
Will wait until the point when you let go"
5) BACHELORETTE - BJORK
This is off of Bjork's albm Homogenic. The song is intense with beat and arrangement, and is beautiful like all things that Bjork does. I relate to its vision of a person constantly giving love and being abused. The image of a tree growing hearts. This is a song about abuse and neglect, and offering oneself for the salvation of others. Or maybe it's about being taken advantage of, I'm not entirely sure, to be frank. The lyrics were not written by Bjork, but that doesn't matter to me. This section is important to me:
"I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near"
I have this odd thing happen to me every so often. I will be sitting or driving or otherwise alone and feel just that I would benefit from human connection. At this point I open my phone and start calling people. I usually call the same 6 or 7 people every time. For some reason, at these times when I so desperately just want to know that there is someone on the line, no one answers their phone. This happens at least once a week. No matter who I call, I get voicemail. It is maddening and depressive, and increases my feeling of alone-ness. This song seems to be about this feeling.
"I'm a fountain of blood
In the shape of a girl
You're the bird on the brim
Hypnotised by the Whirl
Drink me, make me feel real
Wet your beak in the stream
Game we're playing is life
Love is a two way dream
Leave me now, return tonight
Tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
Burning under your feet
You're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
Secret for you to hear
You are the one who grows distant
When I beckon you near
Leave me now, return tonight
The tide will show you the way
If you forget my name
You will go astray
Like a killer whale
Trapped in a bay
I'm a tree that grows hearts
One for each that you take
You're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break
Hum-yeah!
** Icelandic part **"
6) PICTURES OF SHORELINES - FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER
I don't have a whole lot to say about this song, I just really enjoy listening to it. The lyrics describe a love that I'd like to have, I guess, but really not more than other songs. The music isn't intensely amazing or anything, I just enjoy the song on a basic level.
"If you insist on pictures of shorelines
then i insist on pages of your lines meant for me,
to be sent to me.
Remember watching the storms from the lifeguard stand.
Remember feeling the tingling in my fingertips
when I touched your lips.
And I recall how you sat on the same side of me,
it always seemed that you'd always be on my side.
You're my best side.
And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and you have got the boldest eyes,
and I can't help but think it's right,
that inside you it's me I'll find.
And I'm still waiting.
And it's early June, so the sand's still dry,
and the storm off shore is not far behind.
And I'm still waiting.
And sometimes you don't say a thing for a long while.
And the ships off shore hold stories that we'd make.
And sometimes we are held at bay by these miles.
But less of you is more than I can take.
And the moments that we've shared could last a lifetime.
And the faith I have in us will keep you near.
And several of these miles placed in between us
mean several of these words being sent by mail.
I hope this letter finds you well."
Top Five Albums
***It occurred to me that I made a tremendous mistake when I first wrote this post, and so I am now correcting this and adding a sixth top CD that should have been listed in the top five. Further Seems Forever should actually be number 6 (in the original post, I had it as #4), and so I am moving it down but allowing it to stay in the post. Radiohead's OK Computer replaces FSF.***
These are the top five CDs in my life thusfar, or at least the five most important/influential to me.
These are in no order, by the way.
1) Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
This CD is amazing. It is the type of CD that builds in importance and relevance as you listen to it more. The music and lyrics are more sincerely searching than those of nearly any other band, which is why this CD in on my list. Honesty is important, and this CD says nothing but total truth. This CD contains the song "Two-Headed Boy," which is also on my top five songs list.
2) Rufus Wainright - Want One
This CD is a work of mastery. Rufus is a unique voice in a crowd of screaming idiots, and he has complete control over his expression. The music is totally his, and could never be confused with someone else's. Again, he only says things that he intends to say. This CD contains the song "Go or Go Ahead," which is also on my top five songs list.
3) Nada Surf - The Weight is a Gift
A work of perfect alternative rock, with a taste for pop and harmony. The very title of the CD is an idea that I've long worked to believe, and think it is a beautiful statement. Basically every song on this CD has the potential for life change, and should be taken in that very serious way, even though it is just rock stuff. This CD contains the song "Do It Again," which is on my top five songs list, and seems to speak to me on a very personal level. I feel that this song is MY song, if ever there was one.
4) Ok Computer - Radiohead
Everything about this album is amazing and beautiful. The cover art is cryptic and aesthetically pleasing. The entire album speaks largely about floating homelessly through a cold world. It is about moving in a world too fast. I'm not sure if I am moving too fast, or if the world is, but one of us is moving at a different speed than the other, and it is the source of our problems. We are aliens searching for ships, hoping to find our home planets. It is sometimes better to die than to live the way that we do. Sometimes death is the only stop for our oddly propelled existence.
5) Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
This CD was really my first foray into anger, and is the earliest cd (in my life) on this list. It was really my first experience with the idea of strife, or of institutionally based anger. I began listening to this cd around fifth grade, after my brother bought it. Though I can't say that I necessarily agree or disagree with all of the lyrics, it was really the first music that I'd listened to that was to the point and hard. It was about this time also that I began to rebel in general and to start considering the impact of my life as well as that of others. I still think that this CD is a masterpiece of hard rock. None of the songs on this CD are on my top five songs list.
***6)Further Seems Forever - The Moon is Down
This band was my first introduction to Chris Carrabba, who went on after this album to become Dashboard Confessional, which I also love, though he didn't quite make it into my top five. This CD is beautiful from beginning to end; it is a perfect emo hard rock mixture. Though it is largely about love and other very traditionally emo topics, I have no problem believing Carrabba's sincerity. This CD contains the song "Pictures of Shorelines," which is also on my top five songs list.
I will post my Top Five Songs List some other time.
Adam
Adam is a curious story.
He had become engaged to his high school girlfriend Becky while he was still living in St. Louis, which is where he grew up and went to school, and also where he earned his music degree. The only major problem is that Adam was pretty sure that he was gay. So about halfway through the engagement, he broke down and drove to Becky's parents house and fell apart and said that he couldn't get married (though he didn't say why). Becky came over, or they called her or something, and the engagement was officially called off. Adam felt like his whole life was crashing down, so he wanted to get out of St. Louis. This is when he moved to Phoenix.
He came here and lived with a friend of his from St. Louis who had relocated to Phoenix previously. This friend was also gay (which Adam was now starting to identify himself as, though he still hadn't said it to anyone who lived in St. Louis). He played a few piano and jazz and gay bars for money, but didn't really settle into a job per se. After a few months, he followed an ad for a church looking for a new music director; he interviewed and was almost immediately offered the job, even though I think he was only 23 at the time, and looked about all of 16.
The band that I already played in at another church had been asked to come to this church to help with the contemporary mass. I met Adam and sort of realized that he didn't have any friends (he had to move out of his place with his friend, because the church was on the other side of the valley), so I asked him if he would like to hang out and go to lunch. We did, and we became friends sort of easily. I remember confusing him when I said that "I'd be gay for Rufus Wainwright."
Adam originally had issues with the church at which he accepted the job, because he was now referring to himself as gay, and he was worried that they might not be okay with that. I suppose that his concern was warranted, as the church had a touch of the conservative streak going for it. In the end though, he came out to his immediate bosses (a handful of deacons and a couple of priests), and they all told him it was no big deal, as long as he didn't act on it (or at least as long as they were unaware of him acting on it). So, it was all worked out in that way.
We had begun hanging out quite a bit, even though I still lived in Phoenix. I'd drive to his apartment to hang out. We'd press some coffee and watch a movie or go over some of his songs. Nothing romantic of course, as I wasn't really attracted to him at all, but we hung out a fair amount of time.
I eventually moved out to his part of town to go to a different campus, and we started hanging out even more, of course, as none of my other friends really wanted to drive all the way out here. I remember one time Adam drunkenly came on to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, it's actually kind of funny. We had gone to Karaoke with the band leader from the band group that I came over to the church with (and her husband). Adam had a number of amaretto sours, a martini or something, and a scooby snack, and so was fairly drunk. I drove us back to his house, where I figured I'd just spend the night and then have him drive me back to my truck. He for some reason slept on the couch, instead of his bed, so I slept in his piano room on a recliner. At one point during the night, I got up to use his bathroom, and as I was walking in its general direction, Adam says "I'm still awake, ya know." So I said "Um, okay." He said, "I just thought you might like to know" or something to that effect. So I basically ignored him. In hindsight, and knowing Adam better now, it is sort of clear that that was his advance. I never told him that he said it though, because he was too drunk to remember saying it at all.
Adam went on a few dates with girls, just to see, and a few dates with guys, just to hope. The girls never panned out, and most of the guys seemed sort of creepy. Finally though, he went out with his old roommate (the one he originally lived with when he moved here), and they ended up having sex. He described giving oral as making him "feel like a pornstar," which was obviously hilarious.
As far as I know, they never hooked up again.
Adam is now with Kristin. She came on to the church as the new youth minister, or the person in charge of the youth groups and other such things. He had begun speaking to her before she even arrived in town (Facebook is a fabulous thing). She was moving back here after leaving to go to school on the East Coast. I cautioned him against getting involved with her romantically (oh yeah, by the way, Adam had sort of arrived on the idea that he was more bi than gay, but more gay than straight), because he was going to have to work very closely with her, and if the relationship didn't work, it would be very bad. Ignoring my advice, as so many foolish people often do, he started hanging out with her constantly when she first arrived, and they sort of started dating. Within about 3 or 4 weeks they were in a full blown relationship situation, and within 6 weeks, he was sleeping at her house more than ours (oh yeah, we had moved in to a house with Louis). I continually cautioned him against where he was heading with her, because I had sort of figured out who she was by this point, and didn't think that they would work well.
They don't. She is rude and largely humorless. She hugs like an old tire. She is critical, and probably dismisses his homosexual tendencies. She thinks that she is smarter than me, which is impossible. She is one of the few women that I've ever met that I have absolutely no attraction to in any way. Sexual, emotional, intellectual, whatever, absolutely no attraction to this girl.
Whenever just he and I hang out now (which is almost never, especially since he now essentially lives with her) he spends the time complaining about her, and saying basically how much he wishes he wasn't with her. THEN, he'll tell me that he's moving his piano into her house or something. He doesn't make any sense.
Adam believes that he will die in November (the month that we are currently in). He believes this because someone (a priest who has since left the priesthood) told him that he will die in November of this year. Adam then corroborated this prediction by using some Angel Rods (his were made out of coathangers, of all things), which did indeed say he would die in November, although I've already explained to him how faulty these methods of prediction are. I've explained to him also that I believe if ANYTHING, he will experience a kind of death other than a physical one. I would see it more likely that he experience a social death, or an emotional death, or the death of someone he is symbiotically linked to, or in a relationship with.
Anyways, if Adam dies this month, I'll probably blame it on self-fulfilling prophecy (he really secretly believes it to be true), rather than the predictive abilities of someone as flaky as Basil.
"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"
Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen
