Fear and Self Loathing

HISTORY:
I've been overweight my whole life. Not necessarily "fat" (I know this in hindsight only), as I apparently have always carried the weight well and come off as muscular, but overweight and certainly over fat nonetheless. I was 185 (at 5'8") as a freshman in high school, and I had not really ever worked out or anything previously, so it was a loose 185 (size 36 pants). I played football those two years and got up to about 190 or 195 (still size 36) during the sophomore season. I didn't play junior year and stuck around 195 (size 38) or so. I'd lost a lot of muscle because I did not replace the exercise I lost from football. On the first day of senior year (2002), I began a hardcore low carb diet and lost weight like crazy. I dropped 18 pounds in two weeks and eventually landed at around 165 in October or so. I joined the wrestling team and was asked to get down to 152. I did, no problem. I never once had a problem making weight. I came in at 151.5 (size 30) for the entire season (except State Finals, for which I was 153). I did well. I was one of the best wrestlers on the team, though I did poorly at State (8th). After the season, I finished out the semester at around 160 (size 32) or so.

After graduation, I stayed around 160. In August (2003), I joined a gym and made it to 161.5 and 11% body fat, which was my all time best at that point. I continued to bodybuild and powerlift (powerbuilding, essentially, with a bias towards bodybuilding). By the next spring (2004), I was about 170 (size 33), and rather muscular. I spent that Summer literally eating everything possible, and got up to 215 by the next Fall, though I was still more thick and muscular than anything else. In January 2005, I began to diet back down again, and in the Spring of that year I was about 180 and muscular. I spent the summer working at a bike shop, working out, and rock climbing a few times a week. I was about 185 (size 36, sort of loose though) and very muscular (for me) in August, when I fell from a bouldering wall and broke my ankle. I had surgery to repair it and was laid up for a few weeks. I had to withdraw from school, and I spent that semester gaining 40 pounds of fat (225lbs). I had trouble getting back in to the gym, even after I was given the all clear to begin heavy loading again. I hit an all time high of 230 (size 40, tight) that Summer. It was not a solid 230.

I went back to college that August 2006, and began to eat a vegetarian diet. I moved on to campus to accommodate my intense pre med schedule. I had trouble still keeping to a program (diet or physical). I stayed at about 225-228 that semester (size 40). I attended the pre-race convention for the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Marathon 2007 with Julee (who was running it), and was inspired by the energy. I enrolled in a Spring Half Marathon (Whiskey Row in Prescott), and a Summer Full (San Diego Rock N Roll). I had trouble really sticking to a running program because my schedule was even more intense than the semester before it. Spring rolled around and I had to downgrade to the 10k Whiskey Row, and I dropped entirely out of the San Diego race. Disappointing, but I still enjoyed the experience in Whiskey Row, which I ran with my brother.

At that point, I was between 223-225 (size 40). I spent the Summer working and occassionally running and working out. I started the Fall semester at 226. I've spent this semester battling various issues with food, though I've managed to work out and run and hike enough to find myself at 213.5 (size 36) and losing. I am enrolled in the PF Chang's Rock n Roll Half Marathon in January. I was recently measured to be 23.2% body fat at 214.5 lbs.

ETIOLOGY and EFFECTS:
My mother used to tell me to eat less, and would ask me "You don't want to be obese, do you?" However, I was 10 when she asked this. I had no idea what obese really was. I also didn't see the connection between eating and obesity clearly. I found myself feeling ashamed when she said these sorts of things to me, and I responded by eating even more. I spent a lot of time eating or finding ways to eat. I ate crazy things (american cheese and butter on a tortilla with ranch dressing). It got quite out of hand. I found that I was able to eat enormous quantities of food in single sittings, and this "talent" was encouraged by family when we went out to eat.

In high school, my closest ring of male friends referred to me by the nickname "Fat." It was sort of intense to be called just that singular word so often, as a noun. As if it were THE thing that I WAS. I couldn't help but be affected negatively by this, even though I think that I was a fairly strongly willed person.

When I lost so much weight in Senior Year, I was flattered by the apparent circling concern among faculty that I was anorexic. People remarked to me, "You look so good now" and "Your face is built so much differently than I'd expected!" The word "now" from that first statement stands out to me. I take that to mean "You look good NOW, you didn't THEN." I was also able to finally convince Julee to date me, after months and months of trying (I started courting her in February 2002, and she didnt' go out with me until December in the Senior year (2002). EVERYTHING in my life seemed to get better.

I enjoyed bodybuilding very much, and I loved the way that my body looked, although I still felt like I had fat to lose. I was never satisfied, even when my friends told me how lean I was, or how excellent I looked. One girl (Korey, Danette's best friend at the time) even commented once while walking behind me, "Nathan, holy shit, you're so tiny! Your waist is smaller than mine!" But I couldn't hear these things.

When I gained the 40 pounds in the Summer of 2004, it was by eating anything and everything and working out very intensely 4 or 5 times a week. I was at my most muscular, though also maybe my fattest. I was not bothered by this though, as I felt like I was laying the muscular groundwork, and that I could diet the fat off later.

I broke my ankle at the end of the Summer of 2005, when I was probably at my all time most FIT. I was lifting the heaviest weights of my life, cycling to work (15.5 miles one way), rockclimbing, and doing other active things, too. So breaking my ankle was like falling off of a mountain. I had reached this awesome pinnacle of fitness, only to fall (literally) into a depressive inactive state.

I gained weight and gained weight.

Summer of 2006 hit me with 230 pounds and a tight size 40 pants. I was actually probably more like a 42, but I absolutely refused to buy a pair of 42 waist pants. This was the fattest AND least fit point in my life. I was mired in depression, and felt helpless. I struggled with eating issues. In the Fall of 2006, I found that I had to force myself to NOT purge, and that I was exhibiting symptoms of anorexia. I battled with it alone for that entire semester, not really telling anyone who could help me (I told Leslie, but she was limited in her capacity to help.

I've learned about anorexia athletica and hypergymnasia, which are basically when a person uses to exercise to overcompensate for food intake. Generally this is considered when someone figures "Ok, I ate 1000 calories today, so I need to do at least 1000 calories worth of exercise to make sure that I don't gain any weight." I didn't know it at the time, but I see now that back in Spring 2004 I did exactly that. I would say "I want to go out to eat with Julee tonight, and I think that I'm going to eat 750 calories, so I'm going to do 1000 calories worth of cardio before I go to compensate."

I still have issues with disordered eating. Lately, I've been refuting my body's desire to begin anorexic behaviors. Anorexia is either the absence or denial of appetite. I have had to force myself to eat a few times this past semester, and I'm finding that I'm losing weight for no apparent reason. I'm not really dieting, and I've not done very well to stick to an exercise program (even in light of the impending half marathon). However, this semester I have dropped from about 225 to my current 213.5. The past weekend (Thursday through Sunday), I ate poorly and excessively every day. I stepped on the scale on Tuesday just to see what sort of effect that had on me, only to find that I'd lost another half of a pound. I'm excited, but also worried. I'd like to be below 200 when I run the half, if that is possible, but I've decided to not focus on outcome oriented goals. Rather, I'm trying to set lifestyle or behavior goals, in the belief that the outcomes will follow.

I've spoken to Ashlee and Julee about my eating issues. I feel guilty because I never spoke to Julee about it while it was happening. But we are still great friends, so I feel comfortable talking to her about it. Ashlee is my girl, and she understands having issues with image and beauty, so I think that she gets me as far as this is concerned.

I feel ashamed of these things. I feel like I'm far too intelligent and aware to be victim to such silly things. However, I also feel like I can't affect my situation at this point. I'm a car with a full tank of gas in the middle of a faceless desert.

"Pray not for lighter burdens but for stronger backs."
-T. Roosevelt