Louis

I became friends with Louis late in grade school, even though we'd been attending the same school since like 2nd grade or earlier. We became friends because we were generally recognized as the artists of the class/school, and it just seemed to make sense. We are largely antithetical, although if there were one person who really understood my humor completely, it would be him. I can say "I pi R squared protein in the brain" and he will respond in kind with something along the lines of "Warmeanie, cloudmeanie, shark-cloudmeanie, fuckin carbone" to which I will then respond "SHADdup yeeeouuuu." It ONLY makes sense to us, and even then only slightly. I said that we are antithetical because I prize nature and exercise and pushing my limits physically and mentally. I eat insanely healthy food only, and am constantly evaluating things. He sleeps as much as possible, exists entirely on frozen pizza and can't run a neighborhood block. He hopes to die before he turns 40 just to avoid having to endure aging poorly (whereas I would rather gird myself in advance for a long lifetime of healthy and exciting aging).

I moved in with him (and Ashlee) after we graduated high school, and lived there for about 3 years. I lost my virginity in that house (to Julee, not Louis). My relationship with Julee wilted and re-blossomed in that house. I learned who I was, and experienced various extremes in that house (I was my most muscular in that house, as well as nearly my fattest/sloppiest/weakest).

Louis graduated college with a Fine Arts degree, which is appropriate because he is one of the most gifted artists that I have ever known. He not only has technical ability, but also unique vision which is the most important aspect of art anyways. He does not pursue this with enough vigor though. I wish that he would quit the bank job and give himself to art. But that is not fair of me to ask of him.

Louis acts like he doesn't give a shit, and he sort of doesn't. Really though, he is dangerously fragile, and desperately alone. He would like to have a girlfriend, but he has terribly high expectations and unrealistic standards. He needs to get his feet wet, but he is afraid of water. In fact, his toes are cracked and bleeding. Do you understand?

"People are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling."
- Dr. Robert Kelso

Ashlee

I met Ashlee in high school. I don't remember much about this honestly. We became friends because she was intelligent and smartassed, and was actually able to keep up in conversations (no other girl had ever done this). I was different with Ashlee, as she hatefully points out to me now. I was an asshole to her when I was with my other friends, but when it was just her and I, I was very sweet and sympathetic. She loved me alone, hated me with others.

We went to Magic Mountain for a Physics trip, and on the way back we fell asleep on the bus. We joke about me having molested her (not really a funny subject, I know), because I felt her up on the bus on the way back.

I lived with Ashlee for a few months right out of high school. My friend Louis had a townhouse available and needed some roommates, so Ashlee and I moved in. By the way, I currently live with Louis again in a different place. She was gross. Her hair got everywhere, and her room was nasty. She got make up on all of the towels, and her face/hair junk made the tub pretty dirty. But she was fun, and I loved living with her.

She moved out, and we didn't really speak for a long while; until this past Spring, that is. We've reconnected, and we are great friends. I can be more honest with her than I can with most of my other friends. I'm not sure why this is, but I have suspicions that it is because I know how and to what extent she is flawed and broken. I know where her limits lie, and I know who she is. I am comfortable in this way with her. I have decided to let her into my own broken self.

I sometimes love her romantically, but this usually passes because I really do appreciate her on a friendly level. Although, I am occassionally sexually attracted to her, which is largely out of my hands. We're crude and disgusting to each other as well, which is always fun.

Ashlee is dating a guy who lives way up in the NorthEast (like Maine or something). She plans on moving from here to live with him. I am only sort of secretly against this. I think that he sounds like an alright guy, but I think that their "love" has been augmented by their degree of separation. I am worried that she will get there and fall out of love with him. He does not understand her depression, or her withdrawal (she is weening off of anti-depressants and other harmful pharmaceuticals), and is very selfish on the matter. She has lost her sex drive, and he thinks that she should just lay up anyways, for his sake. Regardless of whether or not she should, I don't like the implication that she exists as a sex thing for him, and that he cannot be happy with her company. But I'm not like most other people, and I guess that I'm the only who feels this way.

Ashlee is damaged, but adjusted. She needs affirmation and stability in her life, but she is a very volatile herself, so this is hard to provide. She wants a man who is masculine to an almost excessive degree, even though she might not realize it. She is the type that seeks out a constant small amount of abuse. She has lived a long time within a sphere of negativity (not her own), and I think that she is uncomfortable with constant reassurance and unmitigated love. It'd be nice if she could believe people, but I think that she has a certain amount of distrust engrained into her. She won't always be that way, but for now she is. I try to be as there as possible for Ashlee.

My profile picture was taken by Ashlee at the peacock farm.

"Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."
Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water

Match.com

I recently decided that I suck at talking to girls, and my friend Ashlee convinced me that online dating isn't as desperate and pathetic as I thought it was. So I signed up for eHarmony and match.com.

eHarmony is terrible. The matches are crappy, and there is no way to search independent of the people that they believe to be good for you. I asked for a refund, but you can only get that if you cancel within like 7 days of signing up. So yeah, eHarmony was lame.

Match.com is far more fun. You can search through profiles and read about all sorts of different people. I don't know, it's online people watching. I have gone on a date with one girl from there (Kate), but there wasn't much of a spark, so I don't know if I will really pursue it. And now, I have received a second request for further communication. Actually, let me step back and explain the process a little more:

Search using basic parameters
Browse profiles, find one (or 57) you like
Wink at that person to indicate interest or
Email that person with a plea for further communication
Wait
Wait
Cry
Wait
Get a response wink or email
Talk
Fall in love
Get married

So yeah, that's how it works. I emailed this new girl (we'll call her Zolee) because she looked cute, referenced Firefly on her page multiple times, and had a picture of her rockclimbing as one of her photos. Within a few hours, Zolee had returned my email and included her phone number with the instruction to call her sometime. I'm excited. I think that I'll call her tomorrow and see if she wants to go out this weekend or next week or something.

"The miserable have no other medicine
But only hope."
~William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure

Michelle

Michelle was my first real relationship, I think. We dated during the Summer before my junior year of high school and during the first semester therein. She was cool. A skateboarder who went to the local all girls school. She had a sense of adventure, and a little bit of a slutty streak. Her parents were dead (either figuratively or literally), and her guardian (her uncle) wanted to fist fight me. In hindsight, she was looking for an escape through love but she was going about it all wrong. I wasn't ready for sex, but she couldn't wait. We did do some stuff (oral, etc), but I wasn't really that good, frankly.

I failed Michelle.

She tried to kill herself around Christmas (though it may actually have been a ploy for attention, as she was prone to do). Our relationship was already winding down, and I felt that I could not be there for her the way that she needed someone to be. So I ended it. I wish now that I were a better person then, and that I could have been there for her.

Later revelations include that she probably cheated on me. I'm okay with it now, but I refused to believe it at the time. It's okay, I hope that she found some comfort in it. I wonder now where she is.

"We're going through the changes
Hoping for a replacement
Untill we find a way out of this
A way out of this hole"
Josh Rouse - 1972

Julee

I imagine that I will use this blog partially as a way of documenting and cataloguing all of the females that weave capriciously through my heart. The first in this series is Julee.

I met Julee in high school. She was a grade below me, but in my (advanced) math class, which means that she was super intelligent. I liked her immediately, even though my friends thought she was goofy looking/being. I spent about a year courting her, eventually winning her over with my ridiculous charm and persistence (and a videotaped birthday message from Atreyu, who used to be pretty cool). We dated for about 9 months, at which point I was a freshman in college, and not feeling the whole relationship vibe for her anymore. We broke up but remained friends and got back together at her senior prom (I actually went with another girl, Danette, who may get her own entry in the future). We stayed together then for three years, and broke up in April 2007, two weeks after my friend Paul died (this will definitely earn its own entry later).

We have retained our friendship, as we do get along very well, and it is very hard for me to find girls who understand my humor (only Julee and Ashlee really do).

I have realized that our relationship was not as emotionally mature as it should have been after being together for so long. We may someday get back together, but it would have to be after a lot of evolution on both of our parts (though maybe a little more on hers, lol). For now though, we are apart and searching separately for new love.

Oh, it is also probably noteworthy that I lost my virginity to her, although she was not my first sexual experience (that would be Michelle, who I will talk about later).

"Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette "
John Mayer - Back to You

Welcome to the world

So I decided that it is probably about time for me to reveal all of my thoughts to complete strangers and possible enemies alike. I am a premed student in Arizona, learning about the crap that we all put up with in our various pursuits of health and happiness. I fully intend to change the world, though I'm not entirely sure how just yet. Maybe as an internationally beloved doctor guy, or maybe as a rockstar. Although, it might just be as a philosopher and writer. Who knows? I might even end up living in the forest with my preternaturally beautiful redhead wife (who I have yet to meet) climbing mountains and eating plants. Either way, whatev.

"It occurred to him that the whole of art--maybe the whole of life--was writing your name on a wall, hoping that someone would see it after you're gone." - Neil Gaiman, Death