Ashlee

I met Ashlee in high school. I don't remember much about this honestly. We became friends because she was intelligent and smartassed, and was actually able to keep up in conversations (no other girl had ever done this). I was different with Ashlee, as she hatefully points out to me now. I was an asshole to her when I was with my other friends, but when it was just her and I, I was very sweet and sympathetic. She loved me alone, hated me with others.

We went to Magic Mountain for a Physics trip, and on the way back we fell asleep on the bus. We joke about me having molested her (not really a funny subject, I know), because I felt her up on the bus on the way back.

I lived with Ashlee for a few months right out of high school. My friend Louis had a townhouse available and needed some roommates, so Ashlee and I moved in. By the way, I currently live with Louis again in a different place. She was gross. Her hair got everywhere, and her room was nasty. She got make up on all of the towels, and her face/hair junk made the tub pretty dirty. But she was fun, and I loved living with her.

She moved out, and we didn't really speak for a long while; until this past Spring, that is. We've reconnected, and we are great friends. I can be more honest with her than I can with most of my other friends. I'm not sure why this is, but I have suspicions that it is because I know how and to what extent she is flawed and broken. I know where her limits lie, and I know who she is. I am comfortable in this way with her. I have decided to let her into my own broken self.

I sometimes love her romantically, but this usually passes because I really do appreciate her on a friendly level. Although, I am occassionally sexually attracted to her, which is largely out of my hands. We're crude and disgusting to each other as well, which is always fun.

Ashlee is dating a guy who lives way up in the NorthEast (like Maine or something). She plans on moving from here to live with him. I am only sort of secretly against this. I think that he sounds like an alright guy, but I think that their "love" has been augmented by their degree of separation. I am worried that she will get there and fall out of love with him. He does not understand her depression, or her withdrawal (she is weening off of anti-depressants and other harmful pharmaceuticals), and is very selfish on the matter. She has lost her sex drive, and he thinks that she should just lay up anyways, for his sake. Regardless of whether or not she should, I don't like the implication that she exists as a sex thing for him, and that he cannot be happy with her company. But I'm not like most other people, and I guess that I'm the only who feels this way.

Ashlee is damaged, but adjusted. She needs affirmation and stability in her life, but she is a very volatile herself, so this is hard to provide. She wants a man who is masculine to an almost excessive degree, even though she might not realize it. She is the type that seeks out a constant small amount of abuse. She has lived a long time within a sphere of negativity (not her own), and I think that she is uncomfortable with constant reassurance and unmitigated love. It'd be nice if she could believe people, but I think that she has a certain amount of distrust engrained into her. She won't always be that way, but for now she is. I try to be as there as possible for Ashlee.

My profile picture was taken by Ashlee at the peacock farm.

"Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."
Simon and Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water