Martyrdom

There are lots in life. Things that we are either destined to be or do, or maybe just things that we BELIEVE we are destined to be or do. Some people think that this equates to having karma to pay, that they are paying off a very bad action from a past life. Anyways, this is not true. This is not what karma is, and this isn't how it works, but that would be a journal in and of itself, so I'll let it go for now. The point though is that we seem to be given certain gifts and lack certain others that sort of shape or niche in the world. For me, I call this my martyrdom. It appears to me that I may live my life as a martyr. That I will constantly be laying myself down so that others may not be rolled over. I donate a good portion of my own energy to help others, sometimes to the exclusion of myself, or the detriment of myself.

This idea sometimes presents itself in a very literal way. If there is a girl that I am really in love with, who likes me, but loves some other guy, I will do all that I can to help her get him. This seems sort of floot mat. This seems pushover. It is not. If I truly believe that the other guy will be better for than me, I will help her achieve that, even if it means my continuing loneliness and lovelessness. If I must enter a state of true suffering for someone else to leave that state, then I will do it. I do not necessarily WANT to, but I feel that I have to. For why else would I be here? My gifts seem to point me in the direction of helping. Do not think that I'm saying we are built perfectly for some thing. No one is. We are all given pain to deal with. I seem to be unable to deal with some of my own problems, even though I can "solve" the same exact situations for other people in my life. I'm not sure what this means. I'm overly fragile when it comes to myself, but I'm indestructible when it comes to others. I am here to be used. I love that about myself. I love that about myself. I love that about myself.

"A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘Can you tell me where I will go if I get martyred?' The Prophet replied, ‘To Paradise.' The man fought till he was martyred."
Bukhari: V5B59N377

Karma and such

I like the idea of karma, because it makes sense to me. It is comforting. It is the existence of God paraphrased but somehow made more clear. It is a rewards system (not one based on punishment, as some tend to believe), and it is the ether that links all of the universe of existence. Karma is in a constant struggle for equilibrium, always seeking to equalize forces, and eliminate pulls in either direction. Such is chi, and such is the concept of yin and yang.

Yin and Yang are not representative of opposite forces, but rather the representation of the lack of the existence of opposites. It is that all things exist simultaneously within their opposite concept. Love cannot exist without hate, because it would be nothing. Cold and hot are relative ideas that are defined alternately by the excess of one, or the lack of the other, but really, all things are both, only to certain degrees in either direction. The key to love within the universe is balancing oneself with the desires of the karma of creation.

To be in balance is essentially to experience life as a human, with good and bad things affecting us sometimes greatly. It is not the quest for baseline or normalization. We all wronlgy seek out numb floating. Pain is the essence of life. Wanting is painful, and salvation can only be realized when we stop wanting and let pain exist. It is our concept of pain that helps us get through life in this way. What IS pain? What I consider painful may be wonderful and loving. How do we receive pain? We are told that pain should be avoided and that we should hate pain; but what worthwhile experience is NOT accompanied or preceded by some degree of painfulness? All things that should happen, happen with pain. Love is a path of generosity; an access to something that will make us better. In this way, pain is love, and should be received as such. When things in life are hurtful and cause us to yearn for numbness and desensitization, we should instead look to see in what way we will be made better by the pain. We should not run from it, but to it. Live for pain.

"Pain solves everything."
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