Learn me

Can I just say that it drives me a little crazy? 

Not that none of my friends understand me, but that they don't understand that they don't understand me.  They are ignorant of their ignorance. 
I really do feel always like I am some sort of other species and I am living in another world.  Like I am an outsider.  I have learned the patterns of behavior of the humans, and I use that knowledge to engage with them and build relationships.  It does not feel very natural to me, because it is not.

I do not do things out of spite.
I do not ever want to make anyone feel stupid.
I do not ask questions to which I already know the answer.
I treat you as an individual.
I do not forget who I am talking to.
I do not think that you are doing something just because someone I once knew did something.

Stop treating me like every other person you know.
I think that I may be not like any other person you know.
I think that you will admit that, if you are asked.

Ramble On

I usually watch shitty tv. Or sometimes good tv, but mostly just sitcoms and other light nonsense of that ilk.  It is the only way that I have found to at least temporarily dull the sensation of her absence.  I don't know why I still have to endure it.  I would think that it should have passed by now, it has certainly been quite a while.  For whatever reason though, I can't move on.  I am stuck.  Stuck at 250, stuck on her, stuck on this couch.  I really do know and believe that she was wrong for me, and that she could never be right for me.  I get that.  I know and believe that she treated me like shit, even if she maybe also loved me.  It is how it is sometimes.  I used to wonder about my friends having trouble getting over their emotionally abusive boyfriends.  I would ask "What is it?  Why would you even think about talking to that guy, let alone want to be with him?"  Now I understand when they said, "I don't know."  I understand because I do not know.

Once a week, usually.  Sometimes when I am driving.  Too many songs remind me of her.  So sometimes when I am driving, I will scratch lazily at an itch on my cheek, and then I will understand what is happening.  I sing sometimes when I drive, too.  Before, I used to scream.  Loudly and unabashedly.  I think that I actually did some real damage to my throat doing this, but it helped me express something.  Probably anger, but I think frustration most likely.  I for a while was scared because I found myself converting all emotions to anger.  My old self thought that this was bad, and that all anger was to be avoided.  In real hindsight, anger was saving for me.  If I didn't learn how to change despair into anger, I would not have come out of it.  A few times, I thought about borrowing something from a friend to finish things off.  I figured out slowly how turn anger into movement.  How to use it as fuel.  I don't hold a grudge, and I don't do things out of spite.  I learned to use anger.

Chicago, With Difficulty

After many months of incredibly frustrating comparison shopping, I have chosen to attend University of Chicago Law School.  It came down to them vs Vanderbilt, really, even though schools more highly ranked than Vanderbilt extended offers as well.  Vanderbilt is in Nashville, a town which, after only one weekend spent there, I realized was perfect for me.  I think that I would fit in very nicely in Nashville, and so it was hard to choose to go to Chicago.  I have never actually been to Chicago.  The closest I came was St. Louis, I believe, and that trip taught me that Midwesterners are super weird, and that I do not fit in particularly well with them.  I think it is not naive to expect Chicago to be more diverse, and not quite so midwesterny, but maybe i'm in for a surprise.  In any case, it is only three years, and I figure I could live just about anywhere for three years, so I am not too worried.  UCLS is just a better fit for me, and I think it will open doors that Vanderbilt would not have been able to open.  Hell, one of the reps for Vandy even said, "Well, I mean, we aren't Chicago, but we do pretty well," when I asked about their placement of students in the highest level clerking positions.  This was not the first time that another top law school referenced Chicago as the epitome of one thing or another.  The alumnus who interviewed me for Vandy told me, after discussing at length what I wish to do with my career, "Well, Vanderbilt is a great school, and you will not really be limited by attending there.  However, if you get in to Chicago, you should really go to Chicago."  So to Chicago, I now go.

Of course, this decision could not have existed without the universe first presenting some outside difficulties.  Namely, Terra (remember her?) essentially saying that she loves me and always has and that she wants to be with me.  Long story short: she is going to take the next year "off," and will try to get her own shit in order before thinking about possibly moving to Chicago.  More on this some other time, but know that I did extend the invitation if she was willing to accept.

Just wanted to keep this thing active.  More when time permits.  Did I mention I have a new job?




From http://www.top-law-schools.com/chicago-law-school.html :

University of Chicago Law School

"Lauded as one of the most intellectual law schools in the country with one of the most acclaimed faculties, The University of Chicago Law School has long been rooted as one of the true elites. ..."

"At just under 600 students, Chicago Law has one of the smallest student bodies of the top schools (only Stanford, Yale and Cornell are smaller, and the latter two by only a few students), so it’s no surprise that students and faculty describe it as a setting of intimate, “intellectually intense” engagement. ..."

"Students said that from visiting other campuses, they could tell that students at Chicago seemed like they “actually wanted to be at law school to have careers in law, instead of just because they did well on the LSAT or something and had nothing else to do.”

Professor Leiter said the students are “self-consciously intellectual, ‘let’s argue about ideas all day’ types.” He continued to say,

Partly because Chicago has the reputation of being serious intellectual, rigorous, the self-selection factor perpetuates that. The nice thing about the law school is it’s happy to be nerdy. People take their work seriously, they take ideas seriously, and they like to argue — nobody’s a slouch around here.

A rising 2L offered:

Chicago’s reputation for competition is deserved insofar as you’ll find a lot of students who are willing to work hard to get good grades, but you’ll not find any mean spiritedness in the student body. People don’t discuss their grades or brag. It’s just that people are serious about doing well. It’s more about individual success and achievement as opposed to beating other students. ..."

"The reverence for Chicago Law graduates in the legal community is both apparent and deserved. Students are exposed to a plethora of legal concepts, and the school’s emphasis on teaching quality is manifested through student’s admitted engagement in class and, consequently, in their work. Employers know of Chicago Law students’ dedication and in turn reward them with consistently promising career prospects."

2013 USN Rank (March, 2013)	2012 USN Rank	2011 USN Rank	2010 USN Rank	2009 USN Rank	Law School	ATL Rankings (May 2013)	2013 GPA 25th-75th Percentile	2013 LSAT 25th-75th Percentile
1	1	1	1	1	Yale U (CT)	1	3.84-3.98	170-176
2*	3	2	2	2	Harvard U (MA)	3	3.77-3.95	170-175
2*	2	3	3	3	Stanford U (CA)	2	3.76-3.96	168-173
4*	4	4	4	4	Columbia U (NY)	8	3.58-3.82	170-174
4*	5	5	5	6*	U Chicago	4	3.65-3.96	167-173
6	6	6	6	5	New York U	10	3.54-3.84	169-173

When and Where

I said it the other day, then I realized it was true.  I will always get everything that I want, but I will not always get it when I want it.  I will get the girl, and the job, and the whatever and ever on and on, but it may all come on my deathbed.  Is that good enough?  Is it about winning?

Would I rather get only some of what I want, but always exactly when I want it?  I don't know.  I think of her warmth and her nearness, and how it then does not matter what my brain does.  It does not matter then that I can comprehend this or that, or that I can solve the problems.  In that brief moment, the universe says that "when" is the most important experience.  A sandwich means everything to a starving man, and nothing at all to he who is full.  She means everything to me now, but what will I think when I have everything else?  Do I wager that? Fuck.

Are we here for ourselves, or for others?  If I am here for myself, then I move and I be with her and life is simple but hard.  If it is for others, then who is here for me?  Where is the person who is living their life for my sake?  It is a big circular back rub, which only really works if we are all actually giving each other back rubs.  If I sit there with my hands in my lap, then at least one other person is not getting what they want.  Can I trust the circle?  I want her now, and I want her completely, but does it matter what I want? 

Does it matter what anyone wants?  Or does it matter only what we seek to obtain?  These are two different ideas, of course.  We want perfect bodies, yet we eat to obtain normal pudgy shitty bodies.  Which matters?  I have heard that we all judge everyone else on their behavior, but ourselves on our intentions.  Seems true.  Sounds legit.  My intention is to be happy.  My behavior is questionable.