When and Where

I said it the other day, then I realized it was true.  I will always get everything that I want, but I will not always get it when I want it.  I will get the girl, and the job, and the whatever and ever on and on, but it may all come on my deathbed.  Is that good enough?  Is it about winning?

Would I rather get only some of what I want, but always exactly when I want it?  I don't know.  I think of her warmth and her nearness, and how it then does not matter what my brain does.  It does not matter then that I can comprehend this or that, or that I can solve the problems.  In that brief moment, the universe says that "when" is the most important experience.  A sandwich means everything to a starving man, and nothing at all to he who is full.  She means everything to me now, but what will I think when I have everything else?  Do I wager that? Fuck.

Are we here for ourselves, or for others?  If I am here for myself, then I move and I be with her and life is simple but hard.  If it is for others, then who is here for me?  Where is the person who is living their life for my sake?  It is a big circular back rub, which only really works if we are all actually giving each other back rubs.  If I sit there with my hands in my lap, then at least one other person is not getting what they want.  Can I trust the circle?  I want her now, and I want her completely, but does it matter what I want? 

Does it matter what anyone wants?  Or does it matter only what we seek to obtain?  These are two different ideas, of course.  We want perfect bodies, yet we eat to obtain normal pudgy shitty bodies.  Which matters?  I have heard that we all judge everyone else on their behavior, but ourselves on our intentions.  Seems true.  Sounds legit.  My intention is to be happy.  My behavior is questionable.