Martyrdom

There are lots in life. Things that we are either destined to be or do, or maybe just things that we BELIEVE we are destined to be or do. Some people think that this equates to having karma to pay, that they are paying off a very bad action from a past life. Anyways, this is not true. This is not what karma is, and this isn't how it works, but that would be a journal in and of itself, so I'll let it go for now. The point though is that we seem to be given certain gifts and lack certain others that sort of shape or niche in the world. For me, I call this my martyrdom. It appears to me that I may live my life as a martyr. That I will constantly be laying myself down so that others may not be rolled over. I donate a good portion of my own energy to help others, sometimes to the exclusion of myself, or the detriment of myself.

This idea sometimes presents itself in a very literal way. If there is a girl that I am really in love with, who likes me, but loves some other guy, I will do all that I can to help her get him. This seems sort of floot mat. This seems pushover. It is not. If I truly believe that the other guy will be better for than me, I will help her achieve that, even if it means my continuing loneliness and lovelessness. If I must enter a state of true suffering for someone else to leave that state, then I will do it. I do not necessarily WANT to, but I feel that I have to. For why else would I be here? My gifts seem to point me in the direction of helping. Do not think that I'm saying we are built perfectly for some thing. No one is. We are all given pain to deal with. I seem to be unable to deal with some of my own problems, even though I can "solve" the same exact situations for other people in my life. I'm not sure what this means. I'm overly fragile when it comes to myself, but I'm indestructible when it comes to others. I am here to be used. I love that about myself. I love that about myself. I love that about myself.

"A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘Can you tell me where I will go if I get martyred?' The Prophet replied, ‘To Paradise.' The man fought till he was martyred."
Bukhari: V5B59N377