A Little Bit of Lemonade In Your Eye

I found recently that I was avoiding writing about Lemon.  I'm avoiding it because it feels like a trap.  It feels like I will think about it and realize that I'm choosing to make my entire life into some massive sisyphean task.  I'm pushing this boulder up a hill, proving with every push that I'm worth her and definitely better than any other guy that she knows.  However, once I get up to the top of this hill, I get drunk and ask her out in the least attractive way possible.  What I'm saying is that I'm not sure yet whether I'm cool to just be her friend for the rest of my life.  I have a feeling also that she tends to date guys who end up really fucking her over.  I mean, that's based on nothing other than intuition, but if it's true, that means that I'd have to stand by and watch while that happens.  That is hard.  It's like watching Erin date totally obviously crappy guys.  Gets old.  Especially when i'm better.  It makes me have to question myself, actually.  I don't like having to question myself anymore.  I thought that I was past that?  I thought that I knew who I was, and what that was worth. 

Why is friendship more valuable to some people than love?  Why do so many girl-types prefer my company in that platonic way only?  I suspect that I know the answer, but it makes me sad, so I prefer not to.

"And I saw Sisyphus at his endless task raising his prodigious stone with both his hands. With hands and feet he tried to roll it up to the top of the hill, but always, just before he could roll it over on to the other side, its weight would be too much for him, and the pitiless stone would come thundering down again on to the plain." - Homer

Just Kill It Already

Is it ever appropriate to tell someone else to break up with their (in)significant other? I mean, if they are being beaten or abused, then duh, but I mean just based on the general trials of relationships. I mean, it is sort of arrogant to say, "I've heard one side of this story, and I can make a serious decision based on that." Also, it is foolish to say, "Well, because my similarly based relationship failed and needed to fail, I think that yours should, too." It's hard to tell someone that they should not be with who they are with, even if it seems so obvious to me. So I try not to. I try to lead the person to my own conclusion by laying out what it is that I see from the outside, since they are often blinded by the experience. However, I am aware that they will not always draw the same conclusion, as evidenced by the 30 different understandings obtained by the 30 different people all sitting in the same lecture. I'm not JUST talking about Ash or Adam here, but people in my life in general. Oh, I need to go to Body Positive. Later yo.

On Why I'm So Manly

Adam picked me up around 11:40 or so and we went to GETINTHEZONEAUTOZONE, then he dropped me off at my truck, which was sitting in a pile of its own shame in the Pei Wei parking lot. I replaced the fuel filter, but that didn't fix it, so I called the shop and had them send a tow truck. Blah blah blah, now here is why I am manly:

I wore my fake Dickies Jacket, which still has some cologne on it from the last time I used it. Then, I got gasoline smell all over me from changing the fuel filter. THEN, I got into the tow truck and the driver smoked. So I am a combination smell of cologne, gasoline, and cigarettes. How sexy is THAT?

“Smell that! That's gasoline you smell in there. You can't buy any perfume in the world that smells as sweet.”

William K. Whiteford

Jeremy Gillitzer

I read about Jeremy on http://www.queerty.com a while back, and was intrigued because he used to look pretty dope before he got into anorexia and bulimia, and the difference was disturbing. Well, I guess he is being held largely against his will now for treatment (he is obviously not of a right mind). I'm not sure where I stand on this. I'm very big into ownership of the body and the self, and this may be infringing on what I consider to be his rights. But he may be vulnerable to himself, so it's hard to say really. I think it's better that he is there now, but I'm not sure that I like the way that he ended up there.

interview about the whole deal @ http://www.queerty.com/health/jeremys-journey-continues-20071214/1/

BEFORE



AFTER

No Shoes Lyrics

No Shoes

(Written by Paranoid Lary, As performed by the Roches)


One, Two Three, Four

I had no shoes
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no feet
That's really beat

I had no feet
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no knees
That was his disease

I had no knees
And I complained until I met a man
And you know what?
He had no butt

I had no butt
And I complained about it all
And then I met a man
Who had no balls

I had no balls
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no guts
No balls, no butt, and now no guts

I had no guts
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no heart
The most important part

I had no heart
And I complained, I did not understand
And then I met a man
Who had no hands

I had no hands
And I complained until I met a man
Who was a wreck
He had no neck

I had no neck
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no chin
Some folks lose, some folks win (Ahhhh)

I had no chin
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no nose
That really blows

I had no nose
And I complained until I met a man
Who never cries
He had no eyes

I had no eyes
And I complained until I met a man
Who felt no pain
He had no brain

I had no brain
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no head
As good as dead

I had no head
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hair
There was nothing there

I had no hair
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hat
Picture that. Not even a hat (Ahhhh)

I had no hat (had no hat? no hat!)
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no sky (no sky)
No reason why

I had no sky (why?)
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no stars (he had no stars?)
No Venus or Mars (no Venus or Mars?)

And not any stars!

I had no stars
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no God
That's rather odd

I had no God
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no faith
Nothing just in case

I had no faith
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no love
Nothing to dream of

I had no love
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no hope
At the end of his rope

I had no hope
And I complained until I met a man
Who had no luck
That really sucks

I had no luck
And I complained that I had nothing left to lose
And then I met a man
Who had no shoes... (Ahhhh)

Always Love By Nada Surf

This one goes out to my girl, Ashlee:



To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me..
Always love… Hate will get you everytime
Always love… Don’t wait till the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight

Self-directed lies
I want to know what it’d be like to
Aim so high above
any card that you've been dealt you...

Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said…
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love…hate will get you everytime
Always love…hate will get you…

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
I…



As do you, so do I. It is hard, maybe impossible. I have found that religion is inconsequential. God doesn't matter. These things are only words. If God is anything, it is a conceptualization; a cosmic embodiment of love. There is no hate but what we have created for ourselves, and all illness and sadness is borne of it. I used to feel alone in a cold universe, until I realized that love connected me with every aspect of that universe, and, in effect, with God itself. If I find myself asking "Does God exist?" I find that the question becomes "Do I exist?"

More of Who I Am

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My type's phenotype

Bottom up:

Feet: Just SLIGHTLY larger than average, though not overly bone-filled or lean or sharp.

Calves: Larger than average, though not like fatty at all. I like a little muscle here.

Knees: No sagging.

Quads: Muscular shape, but no separation due to leanness.

Hamstrings: Muscle. Hook. It. Up. One of my favorite places. A nice curve. Mmm, tasty.

Butt: Thick due to muscular foundation, not fat. Cellulite not welcome here.

Waist: Smaller the better.

Stomach: I like to know that there is a six pack hiding under there, but I don't necessarily want to see it all the time. Just the side lines, and the oblique definition (another one of my favorite areas).

Boobs: Traditionally I pursue girls who are flat in the name of athleticism. I am not much of a breast man type (I prefer legs), but my ideal chick is otherwise athletic and lean with C cups. I don't like them too big. Although, Duffy might be edging up on some Ds. Side boob is one of the hottest things ever.

Arms: Um, what the fuck ever, so long as they aren't all flabby or trackmarked.



Here is a graphical representation of what I just described (my perfect female's body):



okay, so since it's apparently not obvious, this specimen is Jessica Biel

Adam

Adam is a curious story.

He had become engaged to his high school girlfriend Becky while he was still living in St. Louis, which is where he grew up and went to school, and also where he earned his music degree. The only major problem is that Adam was pretty sure that he was gay. So about halfway through the engagement, he broke down and drove to Becky's parents house and fell apart and said that he couldn't get married (though he didn't say why). Becky came over, or they called her or something, and the engagement was officially called off. Adam felt like his whole life was crashing down, so he wanted to get out of St. Louis. This is when he moved to Phoenix.

He came here and lived with a friend of his from St. Louis who had relocated to Phoenix previously. This friend was also gay (which Adam was now starting to identify himself as, though he still hadn't said it to anyone who lived in St. Louis). He played a few piano and jazz and gay bars for money, but didn't really settle into a job per se. After a few months, he followed an ad for a church looking for a new music director; he interviewed and was almost immediately offered the job, even though I think he was only 23 at the time, and looked about all of 16.

The band that I already played in at another church had been asked to come to this church to help with the contemporary mass. I met Adam and sort of realized that he didn't have any friends (he had to move out of his place with his friend, because the church was on the other side of the valley), so I asked him if he would like to hang out and go to lunch. We did, and we became friends sort of easily. I remember confusing him when I said that "I'd be gay for Rufus Wainwright."

Adam originally had issues with the church at which he accepted the job, because he was now referring to himself as gay, and he was worried that they might not be okay with that. I suppose that his concern was warranted, as the church had a touch of the conservative streak going for it. In the end though, he came out to his immediate bosses (a handful of deacons and a couple of priests), and they all told him it was no big deal, as long as he didn't act on it (or at least as long as they were unaware of him acting on it). So, it was all worked out in that way.

We had begun hanging out quite a bit, even though I still lived in Phoenix. I'd drive to his apartment to hang out. We'd press some coffee and watch a movie or go over some of his songs. Nothing romantic of course, as I wasn't really attracted to him at all, but we hung out a fair amount of time.

I eventually moved out to his part of town to go to a different campus, and we started hanging out even more, of course, as none of my other friends really wanted to drive all the way out here. I remember one time Adam drunkenly came on to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but in hindsight, it's actually kind of funny. We had gone to Karaoke with the band leader from the band group that I came over to the church with (and her husband). Adam had a number of amaretto sours, a martini or something, and a scooby snack, and so was fairly drunk. I drove us back to his house, where I figured I'd just spend the night and then have him drive me back to my truck. He for some reason slept on the couch, instead of his bed, so I slept in his piano room on a recliner. At one point during the night, I got up to use his bathroom, and as I was walking in its general direction, Adam says "I'm still awake, ya know." So I said "Um, okay." He said, "I just thought you might like to know" or something to that effect. So I basically ignored him. In hindsight, and knowing Adam better now, it is sort of clear that that was his advance. I never told him that he said it though, because he was too drunk to remember saying it at all.

Adam went on a few dates with girls, just to see, and a few dates with guys, just to hope. The girls never panned out, and most of the guys seemed sort of creepy. Finally though, he went out with his old roommate (the one he originally lived with when he moved here), and they ended up having sex. He described giving oral as making him "feel like a pornstar," which was obviously hilarious.

As far as I know, they never hooked up again.

Adam is now with Kristin. She came on to the church as the new youth minister, or the person in charge of the youth groups and other such things. He had begun speaking to her before she even arrived in town (Facebook is a fabulous thing). She was moving back here after leaving to go to school on the East Coast. I cautioned him against getting involved with her romantically (oh yeah, by the way, Adam had sort of arrived on the idea that he was more bi than gay, but more gay than straight), because he was going to have to work very closely with her, and if the relationship didn't work, it would be very bad. Ignoring my advice, as so many foolish people often do, he started hanging out with her constantly when she first arrived, and they sort of started dating. Within about 3 or 4 weeks they were in a full blown relationship situation, and within 6 weeks, he was sleeping at her house more than ours (oh yeah, we had moved in to a house with Louis). I continually cautioned him against where he was heading with her, because I had sort of figured out who she was by this point, and didn't think that they would work well.

They don't. She is rude and largely humorless. She hugs like an old tire. She is critical, and probably dismisses his homosexual tendencies. She thinks that she is smarter than me, which is impossible. She is one of the few women that I've ever met that I have absolutely no attraction to in any way. Sexual, emotional, intellectual, whatever, absolutely no attraction to this girl.

Whenever just he and I hang out now (which is almost never, especially since he now essentially lives with her) he spends the time complaining about her, and saying basically how much he wishes he wasn't with her. THEN, he'll tell me that he's moving his piano into her house or something. He doesn't make any sense.

Adam believes that he will die in November (the month that we are currently in). He believes this because someone (a priest who has since left the priesthood) told him that he will die in November of this year. Adam then corroborated this prediction by using some Angel Rods (his were made out of coathangers, of all things), which did indeed say he would die in November, although I've already explained to him how faulty these methods of prediction are. I've explained to him also that I believe if ANYTHING, he will experience a kind of death other than a physical one. I would see it more likely that he experience a social death, or an emotional death, or the death of someone he is symbiotically linked to, or in a relationship with.

Anyways, if Adam dies this month, I'll probably blame it on self-fulfilling prophecy (he really secretly believes it to be true), rather than the predictive abilities of someone as flaky as Basil.

"There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?"

Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen