Best of: eHarmony

So I'm going to post some of the better matches presented to me by eHarmony or Match. eHarmony is funnier usually, because they require this massive (like 20 page long) personality profile that they then use to match you with other people. In other words, they are supposed to have some special insight into who I AM, and who I WOULD MATCH WELL WITH. So here's what they think:

Nancy:
The one thing nancy is most passionate about:
* that i am rich and always happy though family are dead
The three things which nancy is most thankful for:
* i am alive
* i am rich
* i have God
nancy typically spends her leisure time:
* laughing all throught and making stupid things

Ok, so Nancy is obviously the girl for me. I mean, I AM obsessed with money, right? I do like to spend my time "making stupid things" right? Yes, yes I am and do.
Here's all you need to know about this next potential match:

Erin (san antonio, Texas)

What the fuck eHarmony? How many times do I have to tell you that I'm "not willing to relocate" and that I'm not willing to be "matched with someone willing to relocate" ???? She was like the eighth girl from Texass that they tried to hook me up with. She also had 3 kids. eHarmony keeps giving me baby mommas. I guess that they got from my answers that I'm very paternal or something.

latecha (YOUNGTOWN, Arizona)
Occupation: I Am A CNA/CAREGIVER
The one thing latecha is most passionate about:
* I AM MOST PASSIONATE ABOUT THE WAY THAT I AM ABLE TO BE OPEN WITH MY PARTNER/AS HE IS WITH ME.BEING ABLE TO HAVE FUN,
The three things which latecha is most thankful for:
* MY LIFE
* MY KIDS
* MY MY FAMILY
latecha typically spends her leisure time:
* READING,SPENDING TIME W/MY KIDS. OR JUST HAVING FUN HANGING OUT OR STAYING HOME WATCHING A MOVIE.

Ok, so this bitch can't stop yelling. Psh, typical black woman. Lol, nah, I kid. But for reals, cut it out with the caps. Who fucking does that? And then she didn't even capitalize HER OWN NAME!!! Aaaaaaand she has kids.

Angel (Tempe, Arizona)
Occupation: College Advisor
The one thing Angel is most passionate about:
* Making my dreams become my reality! :)

I hate college advisors.

holly (phoenix, Arizona)
Occupation: bussijness associate
The one thing holly is most passionate about:
* making memories with my three children .
The three things which holly is most thankful for:
* I am thankful for my three wonderful daughters
* I am thank ful to have a good job .
* I am thank ful to be healthy and have healthy children
holly typically spends her leisure time:
* shopping , taking my kids to the park , hanging out with my other half .

What the hell. How can you possibly be what I assume is a "business associate" if you think that "business" is spelled "bussijness"?!?!?! Why the fuck would there be a "J"" in BUSINESS?!?!?! Also, you have kids. And you put a space in thankful twice. THEN, you said that you like hanging out with your other half. What the fuck hell could that possibly mean? Does that mean that you're married? If you ARE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?! WHAT!?!?!

Jessica (Florence, Arizona)
Occupation: Correctional Officer

Actually, I kind of want to contact this chick. A correctional officer? Hot. Correct THIS.

hakuna (mesa, Arizona)
Occupation: i work with kids
The one thing hakuna is most passionate about:
*hjk
The three things which hakuna is most thankful for:
*family
*friends
*education
hakuna's friends describe her as:
*Hard Working
*Caring
*Sweet
*Good Listener
Three of hakuna's best life-skills are:
*Long-term personal planning
*Socializing
*Achieving personal goals
hakuna typically spends her leisure time:
*jhkl

The one thing "Hakuna" is most passionate about? Hjk? Are those her initials or something? And she spends her leisure time "jhkl" ? Yes, I see. I'm glad that this person "works with kids,"

I've saved the best for last.

Lala (Pheonix, Arizona)
The one thing Lala is most passionate about:
*My passionat is is when My partner stay at home with me when he don't have to go work and goot with or go out to have toghether thahs all I ask for my partner.
The three things which Lala is most thankful for:
*I will thankfully for someone to respect me
*I will thankfull for someome to give love that give them
*I will thankfull for someone to preciate for me for the love I give
The most influential person in Lala's life has been:
*My sister is most influential person in my life because she know everything about me.
The most important thing Lala is looking for in a person is:
*The most important quality i would look for in other person is the respect.Respect other is more quality for me so thats what would look for.
The first thing you'll probably notice about Lala when you meet her:
*The first thing that peopl notice about me are my big smile and my atitude thats the most thing people notice of me
The one thing Lala wishes MORE people would notice about her is:
*My pernality is the thing that peopl don't notice of me for the first time because Im totally different person in goodway
Lala typically spends her leisure time:
*I love to go out a lot to have fun out go see difent in life because the life to short.
The things Lala can't live without are:
-My phone
-My Lip Gross
-My check
-New shoes
-My Purse
The last book Lala read and enjoyed:
*The Last book That I read and enjoyed is Loving youself and it is aboutlove who you are and no one can't change you.
One thing that only Lala's best friends know is:
*The only thing that my best friend know about me is my emotional feeling
Some additional information Lala wanted you to know is:
*The hting i woulld like my math to know about me is my feelin because im sentive person and seriouse

I can't really say anything to make that profile any more funny. At first I thought that maybe she was from Eastern Europe:
"My passionat is is when My partner stay at home with me when he don't have to go work and goot with or go out to have toghether thahs all I ask for my partner."
Or maybe Italian:
"because the life to[o] short."
Or maybe kindergarten:
"The last book Lala read and enjoyed:
*The Last book That I read and enjoyed is Loving youself and it is aboutlove who you are and no one can't change you."

THEN, I got a message that she had updated her profile.

Occupation: Work for Burn & Wilcox
Age: 22
Height: 5' 2"
Ethnicity: African-American

Okay, so I assume that she meant "Burn[s] & Wilcox," which is "North America's largest and most capable independently owned specialty insurance wholesaler," according to their website. How could they possibly be capable when they employ Lala? HOW?!?!?

I hate eHarmony. I'll do one of these about Match some other day.

Oh, I've also been sent five different girls recently who used the phrase "take time to smell the roses" in their profile. Verbatim. All five of them. I hate that phrase. Had they asked, I would have told them not to match me with anyone who says that.